Dear Facebook:I'm enamored with your ability to connect me with long-lost classmates, friends from the other side of the country and strange older men who are looking for "barely legal" teens (although, really, what does "barely legal" mean? Can I tell the cops that my speeding was "barely legal"?)
But Facebook, here's the thing. Your gig is up.
I'm getting tired of these hos you are putting on the left side of my Facebook page who are "single and available in my area." I've attached a montage of women who have all popped up on my Facebook page in the past few weeks.
It's a lie, and we both know it. These girls are neither single or living in my area.
I've been in my area. There are lots of great women out there. And I've perused the single pages, too. But c'mon. Who are you trying to kid? If these anatomically perfect women actually existed outside the LA/NY/Miami metro areas, they'd be snatched up in a second, or not interested in a long-term relationship so much that they are using an online dating service. That girl in the UCLA shirt does not live here, Facebook. The LA part stands for Los Angeles, in case you didn't know. And I'm not sure if her implants would survive the flight over, anyway.
God's made a lot of beautiful, everyday women, flaws and all, who actually are interested in long term relationships and ordinary guys. Why not highlight them, Facebook, instead of trying to push silicone DDs and fake tans on me every time I update my status or add a bumper sticker?
It's time to keep it real, Facebook. You're not MySpace, after all. That's why I like you.
Andy
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10 comments:
I completely 100% agree with you! I love this post. Love love love it. And I can't think of anything intelligent to add, because you said it all. And I'm still half-asleep.
Wait...are you sure you don't have a vagina?
Andy, after your mention of your blog during our "fake Andy getting married in Pittsburgh" exchange, my need to procrastinate told me I should check it out. I've found it quite entertaining and it has given me a reason to not do my paperwork. Nothing like getting paid to read your blog. BTW, the "barely legal" girls probably pop up because your status is single. My status is engaged, so I always have ads for overly priced wedding invitations. Keep writing, so I can keep procrastinating.
Sam
Whoa, Facebook must have a whole lotta folks riled up today. This is the third blog I've read mentioning it's ridiculousness. The truth is, we are all nosey and want to compare our success, beauty and status with those near or far. Mmmm. I love life...and sometimes facebook....
I completely agree! UPi think random fake ho's are ridiculous? try this:
On my Facebook page, which also has the status set to single, their is an ad that says " Single in Sydney ? " with a picture of an apparently typical single male living in the city. I think not. It is, in fact, a picture of James Franco, the actor from Spiderman and Pineapple Express.
James Franco does not live in sydney, you liars! HE may be single, i dont know, but he does not live in Australia, let alone Sydney, and i highly doubt he's available to plain janes such as myself....
My theory is that women such as the ones you've montaged don't actually exist in real life. The ones you see in such pictures and/or on TV and/or in magazines are specially-bred in certain towns across the US -- loosely referred to as "factories" by those in charge -- and if they reach the anatomically perfect status, they are then shipped to the same metro areas you've mentioned ("warehouses") for use in television, movies, and/or modeling.
haha, thanks ARS...
TLK- it's so nice when people actually agree with me.
Haute- Um, I'm sure- I stand up when I pee.
Sam- It's amazing how many people read this stuff instead of working. I am glad to directly contribute to America's lagging work effort.
Teej- What else were people ragging on? I still heart Facebook. It's just a love-hate relationship.
XXOO- James Franco? Really? Does that mean I can date Kirsten Dunst? (Actually, I'll pass on that.)
Josh- Excellent theory. Then the thought is, when they become older, can I send her (it?) back to get refurbished, you know, like a DVD player?
Update - as of yesterday there was a new " Single ? " ad featuring teenage hearththrob Jesse McCartney. OMG - vomit.
Of course. That's what the plastic surgeons of the world are for.
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