Wednesday, June 8, 2011

To discuss moving over to a new website


Some of you, if not all, likely noticed by now that I've moved operations over to a new website.

No, that doesn't mean I'm folding up blog writing. It just means that all the performance stuff I've been developing in the past year - often at the detriment of getting any writing done - has created a need for a bigger, more expansive site.

All of that is just a fancy way of saying WildARSChase doesn't meet my needs. I'm not sure if they are feminine needs, but they are needs.

So I developed http://andyshawcomedy.com. It still has all my old posts, but also will help me show you what I'm up to with stand up comedy and improv comedy, both of which I love hard. Like, real hard. And I'm still writing blog posts, too (like the one about the Top 10 of Everything 1998). The WildARSChase name is being phased out gradually, although you can still get me on Twitter @WildARSChase.

I think your feeds should switch over, based on what I set up. But please update any bookmarks! And if you have any issues, or maybe even just want to tell me this is all a really dumb idea, email me at wildarschase@yahoo.com. Or add me on Facebook!

I started this blog about three years ago - first post here - and have loved the hundreds of people I've interacted with, and the thousands of times people have decided to read my random thoughts. I think this will help me stay more up to date by keeping everything under one site, and I really hope you'll decide to join me there.

Thanks for all of your support, and let's meet up over at the new place!

Hugs and kisses,

Monday, February 21, 2011

To discuss something I just learned about women

I know a thing or two about women, not the least of which are tidbits such as:
1) They never want you to reply if you are asked if they look fat
2) They always like hugs, unless they are sweaty and then eww gross I'm disgusting
3) They have fantasized about Leonardo DiCaprio. Or is that Kate Winslet? I can never remember.
4) They are afraid of bears.

But, according to Someone in the Know, I recently learned this:

If two women like the same guy, they will exchange catty comments to each other to display who the guy likes best...

"Haha, Andy and I were just laughing at an inside joke. It's great, not that you'd get it because you weren't there."
"Oh, well that's fine. I was just writing Andy a handwritten note, because I know he prefers those. It's OK that you stick to emails. I'm sure he doesn't mind that much."
"No problem at all. While you're doing that, I'm taking care of his dog. You know, his dog really likes me. Andy says his dog only likes certain kinds of people. Too bad he doesn't like you, so sorry."
"On a related note, I heard you're a bitch, you dirty slut."

And so on.

Now, you'd never hear guys talk in passive-aggressive tones like that. If we don't like someone, we stop talking to them, yell at them or light their loved ones on fire. It's a simple system. But women? Noooooo. It's evidently much better to take subtle digs at each other to see which one breaks first.

I knew women were catty, but I wasn't aware there's some kind of system in place that you can trade barbs back and forth to establish superiority over who will eventually get a guy. Here's a secret, ladies: We're oblivious to all that, and instead are choosing based on who makes us feel the best, who gets along with our family/friends, and who has nicer boobs/butt/legs/eyes/kidneys.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

To discuss 10 reasons women make no sense

In no particular order, 10 reasons women make no sense:

1. They'll say they don't like another girl, but refuse to tell her to her face. Instead, it's done through a series of ever-more passive aggressive Facebook messages.
2. They wear clothes that make them cold/hot/uncomfortable, to look cute. That's fine ... until they say they are cold/hot/uncomfortable. Often.
3. Their pants are sized according to numbers that have no real relation to their measurements. A size 0? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You know how a guy knows his pants' size? By measuring his legs. I'm a 31 x 32. Every time. Not a 4 here and an 8 there.
4. They get mad if you stare at their boobs, but spend an awful lot of money at Victoria's Secret buying things to make you stare at their boobs.
5. They will cry at the mere thought of cutting their hair shorter. Hair that grows back. Sidenote: Men don't date or not date women based on a one-time hair decision.
6. They will hold a grudge longer than thought humanly possible.
7. They want a man to call them the next day. Until he does, and then he is "invading my personal space."
8. They say looks don't matter. Guys would never say that, because it's ridiculous.
9. They spend hours reading about perfect sexual technique and picking out the perfect lingerie, all to impress men who are just happy to see a naked woman to begin with. As a metaphor, that's like shopping for hours for the perfect toy, spending lots of money on it and wrapping it up in fancy paper, only to realize that the child was happy just to play with the cardboard box it came in.
10. They will overanalyze a text message within an inch of its life.

Here's a response, taken from the comments, by the lovely Cadence:
1. Human beings are social creatures, and women understand the value of retaining a relatively civil relationship with other women. Men, on the other hand, generally solve interpersonal conflict through a series of defensive verbal outbursts and homoerotic hand shaking.

2. Survival of the fittest, man. We can brave sub-zero temperatures in a flirty miniskirt and 4-inch heels, and any woman worth her weight will ONLY complain at the end of the night, by which time her male companion is probably complaining about wanting to go home from the place that he suggested they visit in the first place.

3. This is a genius ploy developed by probably female fashion executives to enhance feelings of superiority amongst women and sell clothes. I say, bravo. Also, we purposely don't want you to know our waist size, because ew. That is not your business. We are not the ones obsessed with measuring our body parts, as far as I know.

4. Who in God's name gets mad about men staring at our boobs? Why do you think we WEAR the low cut shirts? Obviously we act mad when you do it, otherwise you wouldn't find it so titilating (ha!) and forbidden.

5. Don't men cry over the losses of sports teams full of athletes to whom the men in question have absolutely no personal relationship. We sleep with our hair every single night. We miss it when it's gone.

6. I'm almost 100% convinced that the Hundred Years War, the Crusades, both World Wars, and most major global conflicts are the result of ridiculous male grudges.

7. If we like him, we want him to call the next day. End of story. If we're not interested, he's invading our personal space. It's not a terribly complicated system.

8. Has any girl actually told you that looks don't matter? Any real, live girl? In fact, don't answer...I'll do a quick survey for you. I'm going to guess that 100% of girls will agree that looks, while not the most important factor in choosing a mate, certainly matter. I think this is a phrase that perpetrated amongst men to make themselves feel better about themselves.

9. Would you prefer we didn't read about the perfect sexual technique? That we werent interested in appropriate blow job procedures? I mean, it'd be way easier for us to lie around naked...if that's what you want...

10. I think women only overanalyze text messages from men, which leads me to believe that your texting skills are subpar and confusing. Why respond to a 140 character text from a woman, asking about your day and how you're doing with "Fine. U?" Really? Or when engaging in a text argument, they say things like "haha ur so funny." No tone indicated.
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