To discuss a Maxim review: July

My August Cosmo review will come as soon as Cosmo decides to bestow its latest edition upon my mailbox. They are hella slow. But Maxim? Once I subscribed (for blog purposes, people), I not only got the latest issue, I got two recent ones. Customer service!
Here's the July 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

• I'm not sure if Olivia Wilde is showing her nipple on the cover shot in her sheer top, or if I just spilled something. Not sure I can get aroused over cola. Hey, who am I kidding.
• Olivia is already setting new marks in the "not naked, but as close as I can get it" with the Contents page. She's wearing two strips of fabrics-- literally, just strips of fabrics-- hung vertically over her boobs. I admire her dedication and her apparently cold-resistant nipples.
• Why do Newport ads look like they are stuck in the late 1980s? It's almost like they stopped trying and figured, "Hey, our customers are going to smoke anyways, why try to impress nonsmokers with the latest advertising designs?"
• New pop singer Jessie James decided to up her credibility quotient with the ever-classy Q&A-plus-photo of my button up shirt not buttoned. I have yet to bump into a girl on the street who just thought it be better to go braless with an unbuttoned shirt. Maxim is a liar.
• Surviving the Barbecue From Hell: Maxim offers tips on everything from helping an uncle who is choking to fighting off a bear attack. Not mentioned: How fend off a Yogi the Bear attack. I suggest putting a steel claw inside the pic-a-nic basket.
• Maxim Music Reviews: Maxim recommends Wilco, Mars Volta and... Rob Thomas?!? Did someone transport me back to eighth grade, and I just missed it? Oh, crap, that means I'm 30 pounds lighter, have braces and no social skills. But I've got Matchbox 20!
• Stuff: Fill Your Inner Emptiness With Material Goods... '10 Chevy Camaro vs. '10 Ford Mustang: I appreciate Maxim for having no pretenses. And I also appreciate the photo of the Camaro, which in a certain light arouses me and most men on a level only Olivia Wilde will match in this issue.
  Riding out the Recession: The market may have gone bust, but your sex life is about to go boom. A Maxim reporter interviewed a few Slutty McSlutterstonsfemales who all said the recession is making them hornier then ever. They are willing to try *ahem* new things and have as much sex as they can to get their mind off the recession. If only they would have been like that a year ago, a few choice bank execs may have been too busy to go to work and make terrible loan decisions, and we could have avoided this whole fiasco. Shame on you, Slutty. For shame.
• Sex slang terms: Spider-man- "When a man throws a handful of his own baby batter." Gaylord Perry- "Use spit as a sexual lubricant." Now, I dare you to use both of those terms in a conversation tomorrow. Go!
• Cover girl Olivia Wilde, star of "Year One": I've watched just about every episode of House, and have never seen Olivia Wilde in the context she's in for this photo spread. Maybe that's because doctors aren't allowed to walk around with only their hair covering their nipples (sanitation issue). Olivia was chosen as Maxim's Number 1 Hottie. Does she get a trophy? Is the trophy one giant, slightly covered nipple?
• Olivia responds to Megan Fox's comment that Olivia makes Megan "want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands." Olivia thinks it's flattering. Well then, Olivia, you make me want to castrate a puma using a Q-tip and a lighter! Let's hook up!
• Lady GaGa has a photo spread in a black leather bikini (video). Judging by her flawless skin--and I mean, Beyonce looks like a leper in comparison-- I'm guessing the Photoshop guy got slipped a little extra. Unless GaGa bathes in shea butter and fairytales.
• Christina Milian even has her own photo spread: Who is Christina Milian, you ask? Well, if you didn't see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" with Matty McConaughey (no one did), then let me give you a hint: ".... Poke it out like your back broke. Pop, pop, pop that thing/I'm a show you how to make your man say "Oh!"
• Girls Gone Wild ad, offering the free DVD, "Top 50 Breasts EVER!": Is that 50 single breasts, or 25 pairs? I think it's misleading if it's 25 pairs, GGW. I would love to see your criteria, however: A) Did she show her boobs 'cause we asked? B) Are they even or lopsided? C) Is she barely legal? D) Does she have low self-esteem? .... Not in next Girls Gone Wild ad: "50 Best Creative Thinkers, plus 25 Outstanding Female Scientists! Fully clothed but with intellectual capacity!"
  

To discuss a Weekend Update: Goodwill is a modern bucco's booty

Today's my first day back at work after a week off. So, technically, my weekend update should be covering nine days.
Let me quickly recap the first eight days:
Sleep in. Work on blog stuff. Eat. Watch a re-run of (fill in an HGTV/TLC home improvement show). Eat. Walk the dogs. Eat. Work on blog stuff. Assassinate world leaders. Work out with Capricorn. The uze.

Yesterday, to cap off the vacation I went to Capricorn's parent's house for dinner, as we do most Sundays. Before the meal, Capricorn, Caprimom and I went to Goodwill in search of an ottoman, clothes and Long John Silver's buried treasure. Since Goodwill is neither underwater or a pirate ship, we relented and settled for the first two.

While I discovered two ties (for just $4-- take that, Express Men), I also found a treasure no pirate could claim: Goodwill's assortment of WTH? donated items. And so, here's a visual Weekend Update, Goodwill edition. Click on images to enlarge.

In retrospect, this book is to poor example of literature what the song "Crazy" was to ironic portent of things to come for Britney.

"I'm Titanic. Oooooh, I won 11 Oscars. I'm all dramatic and three hours long and always on TNT and have Kate Winslet's now well-exposed boobs and Leo DiCaprios' boyish charm"....Well, Titanic, looks like your VHS collector's sets aren't a hot item at Goodwill. So suck it. P.S. I'm totally watching you next time you're on cable.

Creepy.

Creepier.

Creepiest. I see murder in those eyes. And vengeance. Yours for $2.85!

Two things. One, someone felt the need to make a shirt about all the great things about cats. Two, you just clicked on the image, because just had to know all the things in life this person learned from their cat. I ask you, who is worse off?

Rejected subtitle:
Model Railroading: We both know the only thing getting laid around here are tracks.

Twenty bucks says '80s singer Melba Moore regrets this rainbow craptastic album cover till the day she dies. You'd never guess what she looks like now.

This is supposed to be a 100 piece puzzle. Something tells me if they made an updated Olsen twin puzzle, they'd only need about 65 pieces- 60 for the now wafe-like bodies and 5 pieces for a caption that reads: "For just 10 cents a day, you can help support an Olsen.'

Confession time... I used to own a copy of this CD. And kinda loved it. They also had copies of Backstreet Boys' "Millenium" and *NSYNC's debut album. Show Me the Meaning of being sold for 99 cents!

To discuss barking up a blog post: WildARS is overrun with chihuahuas

Bailey caught a fly midair and ate it.

No, this isn't a post about my dog's apparent knack for extermination-- he's the Venus fly trap of dogs-- but it does serve as a preamble* to one of your favorite types of blog posts.

It's not a Cosmo or Maxim review (those are coming). It's better. It's a dog post. Yes, I notice how you love reading about my chiweenie, Bailey.

Well, like Lindsay Lohan in a hapless remake of the Haley Mills classic "The Parent Trap," I've got double trouble. I've got two chihuahuas running around my apartment.

Now that Capricorn is fully entrenched in my abode (and my commode- she's got 15 bottles of shampoo in the bathroom, give or take), her dog, Leo, has also taken up residence. Unless the landlord of my apartment complex asks. Then, no, he's just visiting and will be gone by tomorrow, k? Thanx.

Leo and Bailey (both fixed boy dogs) have become quite the duo. I thought it might be worth highlighting some of what has transpired so far:

• Leo is the neediest dog you will ever find. He must be held just about every second. Bailey finds this puzzling.
  
• Leo and Bailey might be turning gay for each other. At least, I'm assuming they are because if I sniffed a dude's butt that much AND spooned with him, I sure as hell would have to admit I was flying my rainbow flag.
• Leo has a bladder the size of a peanut... if you ate half the peanut. Capricorn has to get up every night in the wee hours to walk him. Bailey, because he's awesome, doesn't need walked until he wakes up after I'm done getting ready in the morning. That is, except for the recent night when I woke up around 2 a.m. to hear "Ssssssssss." Yep, Bailey was making a non-refundable deposit at the Urine Bank by the bed.
• Leo likes to play first thing in the morning. Bailey, possibly hung over, likes to sleep in. So Leo's new trick is to tunnel under the covers to get Bailey, then nudge him and pull back the covers until Bailey comes out to play. Bailey usually looks pissed.
• For one reason or another, given the option, both dogs like to sit on me. Bailey sits in between my legs-- only a hooker is in between a man's legs more than Bailey, and even then, it's not close-- and Leo likes to curl up on my left arm. Which is all very cute. Until I need to, oh, type, pee, eat, use the remote, or anything useful. How's a man supposed to dial his dealer?
• Leo squats like a girl when he pees. He also likes to sniff Bailey when Bailey pees, except sometime he gets too close and gets peed on... which would be fine if he was into golden showers, but he's not.
• There is a giant cage for both dogs when we're out of the apartment. Bailey has no problem with it. Leo will bark and paw at the door with all the intensity of an Elisabeth Hasselbeck/Rosie O'Donnell split screen. This makes Bailey fear for his life. As a note, Bailey is about 11 pounds and is inexplicably ripped. Leo is about 6 and has a skeleton that feels like it's made out of packing peanuts.
• If it was bad enough having an adult male walk around a chiweenie... well, now I'm walking a chiweenie and a chihuahua who looks like a prancing reindeer when he walks.
  
• Capricorn is convinced Leo is the second coming of Jesus, as he has never sinned.
  
• Capricorn is convinced Bailey is the devil. We call him El Diablo.
• Leo, based on his dominant personality and apparent awesomeness (Capricorn's thoughts) has been dubbed "The Boss." Except, you need to say "Boss" like a rapper, so it's two syllables: "baw-us." Gives it that certain something. Capricorn's favorite joke now is to have The Boss (not to be confused with Bruce Springsteen) facing her, and make his paw pimp slap her while she goes "Who's the boss? I'm the boss!" Tony Danza, eat your heart out.**
  
• Other names we have given the pair since Leo moved in: Billy the Kid (Bailey) and Walker Texas Ranger (Leo), Bailey Mays (Bailey, after Billy Mays died. We had Bailey give product pitches in our house), Angel (Leo) and Bailzabub (Bailey).
  

* Not entirely sure what that word means, but it gives the blog post a certain Gettysburg Addressian feel, doesn't it? Four score and whatnot.
** Tony, that's just a saying. Don't take it literally! Gross, Tony!