To discuss a TV Play by Play: The Bachelorette premiere recap

I really thought I could avoid the lure of another season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Last season, the first full one I had watched in a while, was just SO over the top, with Vienna and Jake finding "love," i.e. each other's private parts, in the finale.

But there are just too many golden comedy opportunities for me to not at least recap the season premiere of The Bachelorette, starring a girl who quit last season, Ali. And America loves a quitter! Let's get to the TV Play by Play ...

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I almost forgot Ali brought that peacock feather along to meet Jake. Let's keep that in mind when all types of cheesy items are brought to her.

What I don't forget: Ali constantly talking behind people's backs and complaining a lot. And then having to "choose" between her job at Facebook and competing for Jake, which begged the question, why did she compete on the show if she knew she'd have a chance of losing her job? Which leads me to believe, as some have said, the producers offered her The Bachelorette in exchange for creating some drama on the Bachelor and leaving.

We're reminded again that Ali quit her job, and is still the kind of girl who "will throw on a pair of jeans and kick the soccer ball around." AND IT'S CRAZY TRUE BECAUSE THEY SHOW HER DOING JUST THAT! HEAVENS TO BETSY!

People, stay away from beaches. They are only good for staring pensively and longingly.

Did Ali get a little bigger since last season? Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. Just noticed it. You know, when I wasn't trying to figure out if she has hair extensions or her hair naturally looks like that.

And now on to the guys:

Frank, 31, a retail manager from Geneva, Ill.... who shouts "I love Chicago," unaware he lives an hour from Chicago. He quit his big corporate job to become a screenwriter. He also "loves" Ali already. Frank, a prime candidate for the next ADHD pill trial, climbs out of the limo sunroof in an attempt to make "The Soup." It's a real mystery how he hasn't settled down yet ... He's an early contender for "least liked by other contestants," and you know producers will tell her to keep him around. He also seems to love to talking about his "riches to rags" life choice, which makes it seem phony. And nothing on these shows is phony.

Jay, 29, a lawyer from Barrington, R.I. ... who missed his calling as a used car salesman. He also is totally Mitch Albom-ing his big ears with his hairstyle.

Craig M, 33, a dental salesman from Sarnia, Canada and self-professed "ladies man"... Bachelorette producers, please limit the "Staring into the sunset" montages. We're up to 4 already, and we're 14 minutes into the season. Craig gets best line so far- "I'm so happy you're not Vienna." He's such a "ladies man" he gets steamrolled by a weatherman, and jealous of a wrestler.

Kyle, 26, "outdoorsman" from Highlands Ranch, Col., who basically said he's lonely ice-fishing by himself, and has killed everything from rattlesnakes to mountain lions to a ... dove? What's next, a kitten? "I'm not afraid of the other 25 guys. I mean, I've killed a bear," Kyle says. Hard to argue with that kind of logic. Ali says she loves fishing, so that'll buy him a couple weeks.

Justin, 26, a wrestler from Toronto. "Mr. Rated R" is a douche/pro wrestler who is so hardcore he knows what a first impression rose is. And is a "grandma's boy." Home visit! Home visit! He gets sympathy right off the bat with a broken foot/crutches. Dude, you should have asked her to sign the cast. -1 point for using the word "jabroney." +1 point for saying "I think Craig might be here to get more hair products."

Phil, an Investment Manager from Chicago. His brother died, and so Phil has changed his priorities, and now does triathalons. Beat that sob story, people.

Jonathan, 30, a weatherman (!) from Houston. He says his humor will help him, but that's "weatherman humor," so get ready for lots of storm jokes. He offers her his jacket, a suave move, but he's still veering into friends territory. I say this because I just rewatched "Just Friends."

Ty, 31, a medical salesman from Nashville. He's a divorcee as of a couple months ago, so he's definitely ready for another relationship. I wonder if the airline charged him for all that extra baggage? He thanks Ali about 10 times for meeting him. He's got a Southern accent, so that's automatically going to get you some leeway.

Chris L., 32, a landscaper from Cape Cod, Mass. His mom recently died, so he'll compete with Phil for sob story of the night. Ali gave him the friend vibe right off the bat. And then she asks him if his parents are together, and he says, "Yes." Touchy subject still.

Roberto, 26, an insurance agent from Charleston. He busts out the Spanish right away, a smart move. She's totally digging him. She's blushing, giggling... he's sticking around. By the way, I wrote all that before she said "I'm definitely, definitely digging Roberto," and before she gave him the First Impression Rose/Boutonniere.

Tyler V., 25, an online advertising agent from Chelsea, Verm. Way too meek for Ali. Walks away before she can even grab his hand again. It was like watching a middle school dance.

Derrick, 27, a construction engineer from San Diego who, if he's really 27, makes me wonder if I look that old, too. He also talk to himself in the mirror. Oh, and he calls himself "Shooter." Why is that? As he later tells her, inexplicably, he got the nickname because in college he was known for having having premature performance issues in the bed, to put it delicately. Not sure why I put it delicately, cause he doesn't. He also says he hopes he didn't say that to her "too early." I'll just leave that joke alone.

Steve, 28, a sales rep from Cleveland. About the same height as Ali. So, strike 1.

John C., 32, a hotel business development agent from Issaquah, Wash. Cheesy but cute- He "proposes" to her to guarantee alone time.

Kirk, 27, a sales consultant from Green Bay, Wisc. Demanded a hug. Gave an origami rose. 0 for 2, buddy. Wait, 0 for 3. He made a scrapbook about his life for Ali. "I spent, like, 8 hours on it," he says. "I really think she liked the scrapbook!" I'm sure she did, Kirk. I'm sure she did.

Chris H., 27, a real estate developer from Vancouver. Seems like a genuinely nice, fun guy. So that's a bad sign.

John N., 27, an engineering software salesman from Wichita, Kansas. Cannon fodder.

Jesse, 24, a general contractor from Peculiar, Missouri ... who probably thought up his "How do you feel about dating a Peculiar man?" line on the plane ride in but hadn't ever realized how dumb it sounds when you actually say it.

Chris N., 29, an entrepreneur from Orlando. He gives Ali a rose - kinda clever, except it's a fake rose.

Kasey, 27, an advertising account executive from Clovis, Calif. He promises to protect Ali's heart. He sounds like he swallowed a Muppet. And then he promises to protect her heart again. And he subliminally promises to continue to fake tan as much as possible.

Craig R., 27, a lawyer from Philadelphia. Cannon fodder who is playing the tattletale role. Tattletales never win these shows.

Tyler M., 25, a catering manager from Austin ... who wears cowboy boots, partially because he thought Ali wore the same thing on her first show. Yeah, she didn't. Awkward. Why don't you call her the wrong name next?

Hunter, 28, an Internet account executive from San Antonio ... who announced "I'm coming in for the hug" and then said he had to pee. You stay classy, San Antonio. And then he busts out his ukulele; it's bad enough when the token guy busts out his guitar, but you busted out a tiny guitar.

Derek, 28, a sales manager from Warren, Michigan. Another clever idea- playing off her falling leaves/make a wish thing. But she seems to prefer the manly men. He's not manly. In fact, he may be better suited for "Project Runway." Ahem.

Phil, 30, an investment manager from Chicago. Gets another "stick the butt out" hug from Ali," which Cosmo body language experts will tell you is a bad sign. So I've been told. Oh, whatever, you know I read it.

Jason, 27, a construction consultant from Denver. Does a back flip off the limo, in case Ali was interested in dating a street dancer. Then gets jealous of ukulele-playing Hunter, who he calls "the nerd that never gets the girl." No, Jason, the nerds do get girls now. It's the latest thing.

And back to the action:

Plot twist: Everyone writes down the name of someone who isn't there for the right reason. Are they allowed to write Ali? Anyway, the guy with the most votes is Justin (not Craig M.? Really?) Well, you know he's safe, because they spent so much footage on him already. And I'm right, as Ali gives him a rose.

Also getting roses: Peculiar Jesse, Ty's accent, Tattletale Craig R., Meek Tyler V., Frenetic Frank, Short Steve, Cape Cod Chris L., Kirk's scrapbook, John C's proposal, Chris N's fake rose, Nice Guy Chris H., Hunter's ukulele, Craig's M's hair, Weatherman Jonathan, Muppet Kasey. That's in addition to Spanish Roberto and Wrestling Justin

Notable no roses: Outdoor Kyle, who said he "feels like a failure for the first time in my life" (way to stay upbeat, buddy), and Shooter Derrick. That one's a mystery. "I kinda got it off to a bad start," Shooter says. Kinda? Then I "kinda" want to be the wings in a Victoria's Secret runway show.

Notable things coming up this year: Ali makes out with everyone; Justin is the token misunderstood villain; Kasey may have suicidal tendencies; one of the guys has a girlfriend back home (My thought: Just one?!); Ali makes out with more guys; someone possibly proposes to Ali in Tahiti...

Check out the ukulele moment:

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2 - Samantha

On this week's "16 and Pregnant," we get to watch a freaking C-section. The show focuses on Samantha Hernandez of Rosenberg, Texas (near Houston). If everything is bigger in Texas, Samantha is about to be in a world of hurt when her baby is being delivered.* (* I wrote that sentence before watching the episode, and as it turns out, she has a crazy delivery.) Let's get to the TV Play-by-Play...

:02 Samantha lives in a small house about to get smaller because someone is pregnant. Her mom! Nice, a double pregnancy, just like in Father of the Bride II. Let's hope Martin Short shows up.

:03 It's an epidemic ... Samantha says she and her friends used to tease the other girls in school about being pregnant, and now she's pregnant. How many pregnant girls are there? Oh man, did they make a pact? How come girls never make a pact to "Not be mean to boys" or "Not backstab each other"?

:04 "You can't prevent pregnancy," one of Samantha's friends says. And it's that kind of thinking that has made "16 and Pregnant" possible.

:05 Baby Daddy Alert: It's Eric, who goes to a neighboring high school and has yet to conquer his acne, let alone fatherhood. He wants Samantha to move in with him, like it's no big deal ... The problem is her parents already are mad at the couple for having sex at age 14 (Samantha's mom, Soledad, was pregnant with her as a teenager, hence the anxiety) and they already forced her to switch schools.

:05 Can they do an entire episode in the pencil sketch format? I'd watch that.

:07 BD Eric's mom, Estella, and Soledad aren't speaking to each other because Estella helped Eric and Samantha see each other behind Soledad's back. Dramz. So Estella doesn't come to the doctor appointment when Samantha finds out she's having a girl, who will be named Jordynn. Not to be confused with Jordache, which are vintage early 90s acid-wash jeans.

:12 OK, Samantha is all types of adorable. She tells her mom she's really scared about the pregnancy. Her mom, who has been in that same position before, consoles her. Soledad is definitely one of the most supportive moms on this show so far.

:13 You know you're too young for a kid when... 1) You share a room with your brother 2) You have a giant stuffed animal by your bed 3) You are figuring out what to wear for your first day of senior year.

:17 Samantha tells her mom and her dad (they are separated) about her idea to move in with BD Eric. Her dad says she'll probably get pregnant again, and her mom points out she won't be visiting as long as Eric's mom is there. Solid points. Maybe they'll let Samantha move in for "Teen Mom." There will be another season of "Teen Mom," right?

:25 Estella and Soledad agree to come to a family dinner together. At first, nobody speaks. Eye daggers are exchanged. Fortunately, Soledad breaks the ice and starts talking ... about Eric and Samantha having sex. Phew. That would have been awkward. But at least the moms make up.

:31 Samantha to her mom: "One of the babies is going to be calling you grandma, and the other one is going to be calling you mom." Good point. Oh, and Soledad's granddaughter will be older than her child. And Samantha's daughter will grow up being the older one to her aunt or uncle. Got that?

:34 Samantha is either auditioning for Texas Chainsaw Massacre or having intense labor pains. She is the loudest screamer of any "16aP" girl so far, partly because her baby's head is pushing on her back (called "back labor," giving new sense to the song, "Baby Got Back"). If this doesn't stop teenage girls from having sex, I don't know what will. You can watch her on this video.

:41 Holy sweet mother of God, MTV is showing the C-section.

:41.30 Give me a second. That was crazy.

:42 OK, I'm better. That was intense. Baby Jordynn is healthy. And, I might add, BD Eric was extremely supportive the entire time. And I might further add that Jordynn has a ridiculous amount of hair.

:49 Samantha realizes it's really tough to take care of a baby while Eric works and goes to school. I'm not sure how else she thought it would go ... of course, Eric makes a classic BD mistake when he says, "She's a month (old). It can't be that bad."

:57 Good for Samantha for returning to school. But she still wants Eric to help with the baby more. All in all, it's the least drama between the mom and dad on this series I've seen. Who do they think they are? Mature responsible adults or something?
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For anyone interested in "America's Next Top Model" recaps, by the way, I've been posting them over at my reality show blog, ydblogz.com/realblogger. There will be one up tomorrow.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2- Lori

In the fifth episode of "16 and Pregnant," now in its second season, we meet Lori Wickelhaus, 17, from Fort Thomas, Kentucky. She attends an all-girls Catholic school. As Catholics don't believe in birth control, Lori's appearance on this show ranks somewhere between a mild surprise and an inevitability. Let's get to the TV Play-by-Play ...

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:01 Lori is adopted, and wishes she knew who her mom is. If you would like to claim Lori on a very special "16 and Pregnant" reunion, please call Dr. Drew.

:01 Baby Daddy: It's Cory, who gets +1 bonus point for being a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Good start, Cory. Hey, you can't do any worse than the Baby Daddy last week ... he and Lori (ooh, Lori and Cory) broke up but are still friendly, which might actually make things easier.

:02 Why does MTV try to do the big reveal thing when the girl says, "Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant," as if the show title didn't give it away?

:02 So her parents said they kinda wished Lori got an abortion, and aren't happy she and Cory don't want to consider adoption. I'd say adoption is cool if the baby goes to the same parents that got Catelynn and Tyler's kid. They can be the go-to adoption parents for this series. And then we can have a spin-off, "Brandon and Teresa plus Some Kids' Babies."

:05 So much for the Catholic thing - Lori was on birth control (she thinks antibiotics messed it up). One of her friends was surprised to find out Lori even had sex. What tipped her off, the pregnancy? Or the Catholic school girl skirt?

:06 Tonight's "16 and Pregnant" drinking game: Every time Lori's mom expresses dismay over her pregnancy (her mom just told her there is "nothing to celebrate" over her being pregnant).

:07 Drink! "It would be such a mistake for you and for this baby to bring him into this house," her mom says.

:12 The current plan: Lori and the baby move in with BD Cory and his roommate, Ashley ... because that sounds foolproof.

:13 For the first time this season, I think we have a mom on par with Farrah's mom from season 1. Lori's mom does more eye rolls, hrrumphs and condescending tones than you can shake a sonogram at. She thinks Lori can't handle this, and, although she keeps saying she's "open" to all options, she's basically saying give this baby up for adoption or I will disown you.

:16 Drink!

:17 Family friend Liz, who gave up her baby for adoption, comes by to coerce see Lori. Lori's mom says it's impossible for a teen mother to be successful in life. "Damn if that ain't true," says a bitter Jamie Lynn Spears.

:18 Drink! (P.S. I swear I'm not trying to get you drunk, so maybe you should swap the vodka for some juice.) "I can tell you it's going to be a disaster," Lori's mom tells Cory on the phone. You get the sense her mom is acting like she's the one facing the life-changing decisions, not her daughter. Her brow is so furrowed it looks like a doctor Botoxed the lines in. You know, like Lynn on Real Housewives of Orange County.

:25 Brian and Jen, a.k.a. Brandon and Teresa 2.0, meet with Lori. The couple already adopted Liz's kid, Brayden (who is super cute). It helps ease Lori's mind to see they aren't psychos (that honor goes to Chelsea's boyfriend). But as soon as her mom finds out her friends want to throw a baby shower, everything goes sour. Her mom says it's ... well, it doesn't matter at this point because we're all drunk from her bitterness.

:29 Somebody got to BD Cory, because now all of a sudden he wants to go for adoption. Did Lori's mom threaten bodily harm? Anyway, that was the breaking point for Lori, who is now in tears and resigned to her fate. She's giving up this baby. Her mom tries to act like she's not ecstatic. Her dad tries to ease Lori's pain by telling her - no joke - that she's not good at life. Screw it, just drink whatever you had left.

:32 A great point by Lori: Her baby is the only blood-related family she would have, and she has to give it up.

:34 Uhhh, Brian and Jen say they "couldn't prepare for a newborn" in time and the adoption is off. What, were they surprised by the due date? ... That means Cory and Lori (Cori? Lory? Oror?) have to look at portfolios of prospective parents. Is there a Match.com thing for this? It worked to get Capricorn and me together, after all.

:43 I wish you could see Lori's doctor. She looks like Phyllis Diller. It's epic. By the way, the baby's name is Aiden. Who his adoptive parents will be, nobody knows yet, but I'm sure Steve Jobs is busy inventing iBaby to solve that.

:46 Delivery time: In a "16 and Pregnant" rarity, there isn't much drama. Baby Aiden is healthy, Lori doesn't complain, Cory shows up and stays quiet, and even Lori's mom doesn't throw lightning bolts from her ivory tower.

:51 Spoke too soon. Mom starts reminding Cory he shouldn't get used to being a dad, and Cory flips out. Lori does her best Asian Amber impression, although she looks more like an East German softball player.

:52 Cool- they have an "Adoption Ceremony" for Aiden with the unnamed couple that gets him. It's an open adoption, so Lori will get to see him again. Plus, she stayed in school, another big bonus. As "16 and Pregnant" goes, Lori did well for herself. She's the new Catelynn ... although Cory is no Tyler. Tyler is a dreamboat.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2 - Chelsea

This is the fourth episode (Valerie was last week) of "16 and Pregnant" season 2, featuring Chelsea, who lives with her dad in Vermillion, South Dakota, home of the University of South Dakota and now one more baby. Let's get to the TV Play-by-Play.

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:01 Dude, a Baby Daddy intro and we're only 30 seconds in! Adam inspires a new 16 and Pregnant drinking game, this time a "Drink every time the baby daddy calls his girlfriend a whore on Facebook." Drink up!

:01 Politics aside, it never seems like abortion is heavily considered on this show. Not saying I agree with that option or not, but not one teenage girl on here ever strongly considers it, which has to run contrary to reality of teen pregnancy ... Of course, those girls wouldn't exactly be ideal candidates for this show.

:02 Chelsea says she got pregnant as a junior and is having a girl, who will be named Aubrey, hopefully after the Danity Kane singer/Cosmo skanky list veteran of the same name ... Chelsea is worried she'll poop when she gives birth, but the doctor assured her the staff won't tell her if she does. With everything getting discharged out of her body at the time, it'll be hard to tell, anyway. Although that makes it sound like poop and her baby could be mistaken for one another.

:03 OK, a touch of reality: BD Adam initially wanted an abortion, but then changed his mind. And Chelsea's family isn't into adoption, either ... Jim from Real Housewives of OC Chelsea's dad has a sit-down talk with Adam about all of this. What always gets me is how the baby daddys always look so immature, even more so than the moms- backward hat, no facial hair, poor verbal skills... it's almost like, "Did they even hit puberty yet? Was this pregnancy from artificial insemination?"

:05 Drinking game update: A drink every time they turn the scene into a drawing of the girl crying and/or being disappointed by her bf. P.S. Call the paramedics now, because you'll have alcohol poisoning before I can say "He won't return my calls."

:10 Chelsea is having Braxton Hicks, or false labor pains. At 30 weeks, she's already dilated a fingertip width. Her friend can't believe how wide her cervix is going to expand. "Tell me about it," Kourtney Kardashian says.

:12 BD Update: Adam is working on his Camaro and ignoring Chelsea's calls. Chelsea wants to go to a party, but is scared to do so without Adam's permission. It's almost like you can't get on "16 and Pregnant" without dating a control freak boyfriend with self-confidence issues. The exception so far in two seasons has been Tyler, and he was dating his step-sister.

:19 Is there a Mary Kay dealer in South Dakota? Because someone made a boatload of cash selling foundation and bronzer to these girls, who are various shades of Jersey Shore orange. At this rate, at the baby's birth the doctor is going to say "It's the Great Pumpkin, Chelsea Brown!"

:22 Chelsea starts her first day of senior year at Vermillion High School with a bang: She gets contractions in math class and has to go to the hospital to have her baby. That beats the hell out of whatever senior prank you pulled ... Baby Aubree (not with an ey, it turns out) isn't due for five weeks though, so it's scary. For what it's worth, it seemed like Chelsea deserves the award for the most compusre during childbirth, also known as the Anti-Amber award.

:27 Good news! Baby Aubree will not be a member of Danity Kane. Oh, and she's healthy, too, although she's jaundiced. Inexplicably, BD Adam is shirtless and milking himself. I didn't make that a drinking rule, but what the hell, chug.

:30 If your daughter was born this week five weeks premature, would you A) Be by her and mother's side every waking moment or B) Work on your CAMARO BEEYOTCH!. Hint: Adam is a douche.

:32 Honestly, Chelsea is being a good mom. I'm pleasantly surprised. Not surprising: Adam (who has a camo-colored phone) wants to go to a muscle car show instead of staying home with Baby Aubree. "Can't your mom watch her or something?" he says to an incredulous Chelsea. I think Adam is confusing babies with puppies.

:33 Disappointed gf drawing scene. Drink!

:35 Chelsea's dad lives in a freaking mansion. It needs to be said that some of these teenage moms avoid a great deal of strife by not living in poverty like the Gary/Ambers or Tyler/Catelynns of the world. That takes a whole level of problems away. Unless your Farrah. And then you create your own problems. Problems named Shaq.

:37 New low this episode: The doctor is listening to Aubree's lungs, and Chelsea is talking with Adam on speakerphone. "Excuse me, Chelsea? It's hard for me to listen for a respiratory infection with all this douche in the air."

:39 I apologize for the following all-caps rant, inspired by the above clip: ADAM GET OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE AND STOP TEXTING WHEN THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD IS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER. P.S. "SHE'S NOT DEAD OR NOTHING" IS NOT A VALID WAY TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.

:41 Disappointed gf drawing scene. Drink!

:43 BD Update: Adam now won't return Chelsea's calls. He really doesn't have a case here- she isn't even asking to date him. She just wants him to see his daughter in between working on his Camaro and pheasant hunting. He says she's being "annoying." Again I wonder, why do girls date these guys? Date the nerds!

:46 Chelsea asks a legitimate question- will people judge her and say she's a bad mom for going to the homecoming game? Fortunately, Adam answers that for her by sending her a text, "hrd u went out...way 2b a good mom," reiterating that 1) He has huge double-standards and 2) The public school system is failing in South Dakota.

:47 I didn't think it could be done. I am honestly flabbergasted. Adam outdid Ryan. He outdid Josh. He outdid them all. This is the text message Mr. Adam Camaro sent the mother of his child: "no i want u to feel like the most worthless stupid f*** in the world u better beleive (sic) its so over for the rest of our lives ya fat stretch mark bitch tell me where and when to sign the papers over for that mistake." Adam better start running because I'm about to Most Dangerous Game his camo ass.

:54 After that little event, Chelsea decides maybe it wasn't so smart to let Adam give his last name to Baby Aubree, so she's getting it changed to hers ... she's also going back to school to get her diploma. That's two smart, mature decisions in one "16 and Pregnant" episode. How did MTV let that happen?

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2- Valerie

In the third episode of "16 and Pregnant," now in its second season, we meet Valerie Fairman, a high school sophomore from Oxford, PA, nearby me and not too far from the hometown of Johnny Weir. That means southeastern PA does three things well: writes comedy blogs, dances on skates and gets pregnant.

I did miss the first 10 minutes, so Capricorn gave me an idea what to expect: Valerie is one of 11 kids, she has old parents, her boyfriend is going to "beatbox a lot" and at some point is broke and at Perkin's restaurant. Oh, and he wants a paternity test, but Valerie replied "we had sex a lot" and that was that. Let's get to it...

:14 Valerie has already missed so much school her parents want her home schooled. She's telling her BFF Ashley about it, while I stare at her face and marvel at how it is a perfectly heart shaped like you see on eyewear or haircutting templates. But she's missing more teeth than my dog.

:15 Baby daddy alert: Matt is already almost out of the picture and we're only 15 minutes in! Valerie gives him a last-chance voice mail, but then gets contractions that night. "Call the doctor! Are you retarded?" she politely asks the woman who raised her.

:16 Idea for MTV: You should have celebrities deliver the babies! Who would want Patrick Dempsey elbow deep in placenta, or Neil Patrick Harris cutting little Doogie's cord? ... The contractions are a false alarm. Valerie says she "all I want to do is get this baby out of me," unaware the baby shares the exact sentiment.

:17 BD Update: Matt leaves a stellar voice mail and officially throws his hat in the ring, along with last week's BD, Josh, for the Ryan's Chewing Tobacco Award for worst MTV baby daddy. Qualifications include: A complete lack of awareness of the complexity of childbirth; an unwillingness to compromise; a disdain for the baby; an unexplainable annoyance with everyone; and complete immaturity.

:18 $50 the baby's first word is "like."

:20 At the doctor's office, Valerie asks a pressing question: Will her vagina go back to normal after the baby is born? The doctor says yes. Octomom says, "Depends by what you mean by 'normal.'"

:22 BD Update: Matt's jean shorts come by to say they are moving to Wilmington to get a full-time job, and that makes Valerie cry, as its hard to find jean shorts with a red dragon pattern these days.

:27 In a sweet moment, Valerie's friends hold a baby shower for her, then talk about some overweight lady who thought she was dying but unknowingly was in labor. Yet another example for "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," a show that dates back to the series premiere with the Virgin Mary.

:29 Valerie says homeschool is boring and wants to return to high school with her friends, even if she skipped class all the time before and is now going to have a child. She says the baby will motivate her in what appears to be the first ever attempt to turn teen pregnancy into a dropout prevention program. I heard Maine already adopted it.

:34 A few days after the due date, Valerie gets contractions. Good thing she didn't see what Nikkole went through during labor last week, or she'd be much more freaked out about what's about to happen.

:35 Context-free quote from Valerie on her dad: "He must be excited if he forgot his teeth." ... Matt shows up for the delivery, a minor shock.

:36 Not a funny situation: Baby Navae may have meconium aspiration, which means she may have breathed in her own fecal matter inside the womb. Funny thought: As if things weren't crappy enough...

:37 Delivery time, Sept. 14, 2009: Valerie scrunching her face up while pushing somehow reminds me of Jake Pavelka's face on "The Bachelor" when he had to ask personal questions ... Baby Navae comes out, and Valerie barely holds her a second before a nurse whips away the baby so hard I really though Navae's neck might snap. It's a baby! Handle with care!

:38 Baby Navae is still dealing with the meconium aspiration and the fact her dad is Matt. In a serious turn, Navae is flown to a bigger hospital for critical care. This is way too much for a 16-year-old girl to handle, a girl who doesn't even have her driver's license. I'm 27, and I'd have great trouble dealing with that kind of emergency.

:42 Good news! Gary's back! Baby Navae is OK! ... Valerie wants to get her daycare but finds it's too expensive. (I know for a fact PA provides greatly reduced/free daycare for students with babies, so I wonder why that route isn't explored) If I had a problem with MTV for this series -- one of the best series they've had in recent years -- it's that they make so much money from this show, but girl after girl can barely make ends meet. I'd hope they are compensated in some sort. I know MTV has to stay true to the documentary thing and all, but do we really need a half-dozen more high school dropouts if it can be avoided? Annnnddd I'm off my ivory tower of judgment.

:52 BD Update: Looks like Matt might be OK after all. He's kept his promise and shown up to support the baby ... The whole family is out for a meal at Perkins (great waffles there, by the by), as Matt says money is a little tight and he is going to stick to mozzarella sticks. Matt, even when money isn't tight, there is no shame in going with mozzarella sticks.

:54 Holy crap, Capricorn was right. Matt was beatboxing to Baby Nevae. We're just a Fresh Prince and Ashley away from a full-on 90s moment.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant - Nikkole

Now that "16 and Pregnant" is in its second season, I wonder if tons of girls were itching to get on this show to get the 15 minutes of fame and a lucrative diaper deal. Hey, maybe they got pregnant BECAUSE they wanted to be on "16 and Pregnant." Conspiracy theory!

This is the second episode (sorry I missed last week), featuring Nikkole, from Monroe, Michigan. Let's get to it...

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:01 Nikkole says she is 15. That disqualifies her from "16 and Pregnant" and enters her into "It's Getting Creepier How I'm This Young and Pregnant"

:04 Baby daddy: Josh. Now that we've been through "Teen Mom" and 16AP, we know that the success of entertainment lies as much on the baby daddys (Gary XOXO/Ryan bleh) as it does the moms. Josh knocked up Nikkole because they weren't using a condom, and he promised to "pull out" and didn't. That sounded like such a foolproof plan, I can't believe it didn't work.

:05 Baby's momma's momma: Rikki. She already looks fabulous, if this was a 1986 Guns n Roses video. "They look at the mom, and they say, how'd you let that happen?" Rikki says in a heart-to-heart-to-still-developing-heart talk. Rikki, Nikkole is a big girl. She's an adult now, capable of making mature, responsi ... Oh crap.

:06 Nikkole hopes Josh will stop dating another girl and come back to her. She seems way too young and naive to be having a baby. Didn't she watch Whitney's episode last year?

:06 BD update: Josh already got expelled from school. It's the first day! Do we have another Ryan on our hands? Check his mouth for chewing tobacco and mumbled apologies, pronto.

:11 BD update: "Instead of running, I have to face it like a man" Josh says while his hand rests on his smooth-as-a-baby cheek.

:13 It should be noted Nikkole has strong family support, and Josh's mom seems behind him. That is already a much, much better situation than many of the other girls. And yet, it seems naive of Nikkole to say she believes she's going to finish high school and then go to the University of Toledo. Amber= dropped out, couldn't keep up with her GED. Maci= dropped out of all of her online classes. Farrah= dropped out of reality.

:19 In the past few minutes, Josh has scoffed at his pregnant girlfriend for wanting emotional support during her doctor's visit, called her best friend Becca a bitch, and demanded Nikkole come to a football game without even a thought of how she might feel being stared at in the bleachers. Becca calls out Nikkole for being Josh's "puppy dog." Nikkole stands up for herself by staring blankly. Don't fault her, though. It's hard for her to see past the mascara.

:26 She's going to homecoming, which is a nice, normal thing for a teen to do. Good for her ... that is until she goes out to the parking lot to meet Josh (remember, he's expelled, so he can't attend school functions). Josh not only isn't there, he won't answer her calls, and then when he does, he says he can't hang out. Ladies and gentleman, it's our Ryan for Season 2!

:28 I may have a heart of coal, but even I thought it was both heartbreaking and yet touching to watch Nikkole, pregnant, in her homecoming dress and home early because of her jerk boyfriend, playing Rock Band with her little brother.

:33 Delivery time They are inducing labor, probably because this show is only an hour and they need to speed things up ... Josh is there, which is a surprise. Not a surprise: He's being a jerk again, asking her why she's "so tired" and then telling her "You're on your own dude" and how guys have a higher pain tolerance. WTF, Josh. You're making guys look bad. Why don't you go get another porcupine hair cut and leave her alone.

:37 BD update: Now Josh is telling Rikki to be quiet and threatens to leave. Josh's mom tells him he's an "ass" and "She's in labor so you shut your mouth and act like a grown person." Ah, I like her.

:38 27 hours into labor, it's time to push. What, was the baby taking a nap in there? My guess is Baby Lyle realized his dad was Josh, and decided to stay inside until a paternity test could be done.

:44Back home, Nikkole is disgusted by Lyle throwing up. I'd tell you more, but I was distracted by the leopard skin, head and tail included, nailed on the wall. And I thought Farrah's mom's nutcracker collection was bad.

45"They had to cut my crotch open to get him out," Nikkole tells her friend. Annnndddd TMI.

:46 Drinking game this episode: Every time Josh blames someone else for his actions. Every time you spot a leopard print. Every time Nikkole gives Josh another chance.

:51 Drink up! Nikkole just gave Josh another chance, even after he said he's not apologizing to Rikki for being a little bitch. Then he tells Rikki being disrespectful "is just how I am" and he won't change. And he says he knows he's No. 1 in Nikkole's life, not her mom. Unless he needs a ride, and then could you drive him home?

:53 Nikkole can't understand why her mom isn't cool with Josh. She's so young and naive (that should be her T-shirt slogan) that she can't see her mom is supporting her, and Josh is being completely selfish. Oh, and he's also cheating on her. This should make good drama for Teen Mom.

:57 Josh can't believe Nikkole isn't down for his "let be bang other girls and then keep my baby mama on the side" plan, and breaks up with her. That plan was gold! Not gold: Who is this silly girl he's cheating with that would want a guy who already knocked up another girl and is so selfish that it's infuriating? It's not Maci, is it? Stay away, Maci! We know you like the bad boys, but c'mon.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom season finale

Jersey Shore wrapped up last week.

Teen Mom is wrapping up this week.

What in the world am I supposed to do next week? I already watched The Pregnancy Pact. I guess I'll get by, somehow. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it. Baby recap: Leah- Amber/Gary; Carly- Catelynn/Tyler; Bentley- Maci/Deadbeat Ryan; Sophia-Farrah/Her mom. Let's get all Teen Mom up in this piece. It's the extended-length season finale.

:01 Leah can now say "Mama," which is adorable. And soon, she'll be able to say other frequently-heard words, like "Gary" "useless" and "domestic violence."
:04 Farrah is tired of being a single mom. I don't think she should worry, though. It's only a matter of time before Slade and Gretchen break up and he moves on to the next housewife. She could be next!
:05 Maci's friend asks what we've all been wondering: Why does she keep going back to Ryan? There's a long awkward pause, before Maci says it's for Baby Bentley. I'm now convinced Ryan is secretly playing subliminal messages while Maci sleeps: "You loooove Ryan. You love his chewing tobacco. And you love his inability to articulate. Stay with him no matter what."
:07 For some reason, I like Butch. And I'm not just saying that in case he reads this and decides he wants to murder me... Butch thinks Tyler is silly for wanting to propose to Catelynn. Yes, because at this point, those two kids are just in puppy love, Butch.
:08 Teen Mom Finale special with Dr. Drew? Yes, please. Amber might be pregnant, Farrah is still boyless, Ryan hates Maci, Catelynn might get to hold her baby. It's all gold. I kinda think Ryan and Farrah will hook up. Just an early prediction.
:15 Gary is crying as he talks about how he misses Amber. Is he thinking of the Amber I'm thinking of? She yells at him for breathing ... Amber is putting her GED on hold so she can have time to work and criticize Gary. I mean, there's only so much time in the day.
:23 Catelynn and Tyler again show their maturity by being happy to see photos of Carly with her adoption family. Don't they know that ruins the fun? What good is Teen Mom if people are reasonable and sane?
:33 I'll just put this out here. Leah looks like Gary.
:34 Maci says she and her mom spent about $200 on Bentley's 1st birthday party (pictured on right), not including presents. I'm turning 27 in two Saturdays, and I might not even have $200, total. Should I ask Maci to adopt me? Is that weird?
:38 Farrah takes Sophia to the zoo for more mommy/daughter time. Sophia is incredulous to this "Mommy wants to be around me" development, and demands MTV return her real mommy by the end of this episode.
:41 See, Gary and Amber have the right thought. They are going to Family Dollar for Leah's birthday party supplies. Ya see, Maci? Note that Gary, who isn't even with Amber anymore, still volunteers to help with the birthday stuff. Ya see, Ryan? Ryan? You still alive? Blink twice and mumble something if you are... OK, good.
:44 Farrah,who calls herself a MILF, and her sister are both single. I smell a spinoff show. "Date my Mommy/Auntie," with Sophia crawling to whichever boy she wants to send off on a date. And the boy must go through an interview with Farrah's mom. And, just for good measure, with Butch, too.
:45 Baby Bentley gets a Halloween birthday party. Maci dressed up as ... a naughty school girl? And Ryan dressed up as ... kind of a douche? What a strange party.
:54 We're near the hour mark, and Amber hasn't busted out crying Asian face. This is the saddest development since Kelly and Zack broke up at the prom so she could date Jeff.
1:02 Don't think for a second I'd let Farrah's mom's fur coat slip past me. Because of animal rights? No- because of fashion rights! It looked like she had a family of foxes biting her shoulders.
1:03 Hold the phone. Did Maci always have that upper lip stud in? ... It looks like Maci and Ryan are going to break up. What's next, Brad and Angelina? Oops.
1:11 There are an absurd amount of nutcrackers in Farrah's house. Take a look during the repeats. It's borderline creepy.
1:13 OK, Tyler is ridiculously sweet. And now he is going to propose to Catelynn ... just as soon as they watch a video on how to tie a necktie. "I never wore a tie in my life... 'cept 'dem snap-on ones!" Butch says. How can you not love this guy! Wait, don't answer that.
1:20 Ryan has gray hairs on his head. I know this, because he is doing his usual "look down at the ground and avoid eye contact during an argument" thing. "Can you not see that it kills me?" Maci says to Ryan about his lack of care. Ryan gives a half-hearted apology. Maci leaves. That was horrible, and I only had to watch it, not live it. Hey, at least when Bentley gets older, he can look back fondly at other parts of this episode... well, some of this episode ... well, he got a cool haircut.
1:22 Gary apologizes, and even uses the word "empathy." Amber says she's not going to run back to him like she always does, and seems more or less unmoved by his speech. I don't know who this Amber is, but I would like my old one back. Preferably the hysterically emotional one.
1:24 OK, I'll admit I almost just Asian Ambered when Tyler gave his heartfelt proposal. And, unlike Gary, he didn't get his ring at Wal-mart (with a return receipt, don't forget). He even took her to a classy restaurant. Can I marry Tyler?

So, should I do a recap of the reunion special? Let me know. And Tyler? E-mail me. XOXO.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is your baby daddy

You are all finally coming out of the woodwork and admitting you like Teen Mom. I know you left me high and dry during the premiere, like I was the only one who indulged in watching teenagers squabble about babies. But now, I know it, and you know it. You loves yous some Teen Mom.
Well, there's a bit of good news for you, then, which you'll find out toward the end of the show. Here we go:

:01 Amber is already yelling at Gary, this time for, uh, breathing or existing. These kids are going to make it, I just know it ... Amber has to take Leah to her job interview at the salon, and says she's great at multitasking - as she gets distracted by her baby.
:02 Baby Bentley can walk at age 1. No wonder- he's trying to escape from Ryan. Now Maci wants to put Bentley in daycare so she can get school work done. Too bad Leah and Bentley can't attend the same day care: "Fail Care: You Make 'Em, We Take 'Em"
:05 Does the camera man just sit there and film Farrah sleeping? And do you notice she sleeps with makeup on? Meanwhile, Farrah's mom comes in to choke and shove Farrah feed Sophia.
:06 Catelynn says "I wish our baby was here" every episode. New drinking game! (Other drinking games: Every time Amber yells at Gary... Every time Amber does her crying Asian face ... Every time Farrah has a date... Every time Ryan rolls his eyes)
:12 "Do you want me to slit your throat, cause I will," Maci says of Ryan. Maci, now it's on film. You have no alibi when you inevitably murder him.
:13 Air Force recruiter to Tyler, as he gestures to Catelynn: "Is this your... " Tyler: "Girlfriend." Correct answer: "Kinda my sister, but that's just semantics."
:15 Baby Leah is shirtless more than the Girls Gone Wild cast. Gary is trying to convince Amber he loves her by arguing with her. Surprisingly, she doesn't drop her pants and beg him to make sweet Gary love to her.
:21 Amber doesn't want to rely on government assistance, which is commendable. So why doesn't she just ask MTV for her own spin-off show to make money? "The Gary Gets Smacked Show"? I'd watch it. You would, too.
:25 Farrah has excuses for everything her mom blames her for. I have yet to hear her excuse about why she wears so much eyeliner.
:28 I can't believe this, but I think Ryan might have a point -- Maci didn't look like she was trying hard to pass her classes before she decided to drop out. I just agreed with Ryan. Please adjust your Mayan end-of-the-world calendars accordingly.
:29 Amber is apartment hunting, which makes me wish she and Gary would go on "House Hunters." Sample voiceover: "Gary likes House #1, because he can lock himself in the basement away from Amber, while Amber likes House #3, which has extra room for her to relax in when she feels overAsianed. What house will they choose? Who the **** knows?"
:34 Maybe Maci should sell her Fast & Furious car to have extra money for daycare.
:36 Tyler is going to give Catelynn an engagement ring ... except he's not going to propose ... so it's like a promise ring ... and he wants to be with her forever. I think that's the plan. Tyler, if you put yourself back on the dating market, you'd have more 17-year-old girls lined up than you could shake a cockeyed hat at.
:39 Gary says he's a resentful person and he doesn't want to be around Amber. That makes Amber cry. Asian face! Drink up!
:44 Farrah uses the Craigslist Omaha page! Somebody check the "Casual Encounters" page for recent activity, asap! ... Farrah has it the nicest of all the Teen Moms - paid bills, in-house babysitter - and yet says she can't stand it and wants to move out. I can kinda sorta see why Farrah's mom choked her (and shoved her in 16 and Pregnant). Doesn't make it right, but...
:48 Amber officially moved out of Casa de Gary, officially ending the War on Terror.
:49 Holy crap! Ten new girls on the new season of "16 & Pregnant," debuting next month! Like manna from heaven, except its bastard kids! P.S. Didn't those girls watch the show last year and think, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get preggers in high school?"
:54 Tyler is picking out rings. He has $1,700 saved up. Suddenly, I'm envious of a 17-year-old who can't even grow facial hair yet.
:55 Farrah looks at apartments, and realizes how nice she has it. That's only natural, considering she was looking at a frat house and what appears to be a brothel.
:58 Amber gets the salon job as a front desk receptionist. At this point, I'm hoping for a crossover event with Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

Next week: Season finale...

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is trying to stay out of jail

There was such a good response to last week's Teen Mom TV play-by-play, I couldn't resist doing one for this week. This show is like crack. Sweet, sweet crack. Here we go:

:02 Poor Butch got a cut across the face from fighting with his wife. Or, in other words, Tyler's dad got in a fight with Tyler's step-mom, who is Catelynn's mom. When daddy and mommy fight, Tyler and Catelynn can't really choose sides.
:03 Farrah announced she's "taking a break from dating" so she can concentrate on being a mom. Show of hands: How many people believe this will last through the season? Through the episode? Through this sentence?
:04 Maci and Ryan win the award again, as always, for most awkward situations. This time, it's for getting relationship advice from both their parents at dinner ... P.S. I'm afraid Ryan is a mute. He doesn't seem to be able to form sentences.
:10 Kudos to Amber for going for her GED, for losing weight and for busting out her sad Asian face this episode.
:14 Ryan's dad wants him to be a truck driver? Perfect! He can chew tobacco, not talk to anyone, wear hats, not be around his baby, and avoid his girlfriend. That's like his dream scenario.
:15 This is the longest Butch has been out of jail. How is it possible Tyler is so well-adjusted? Well, other than impregnating his step-sister.
:20 I will not be a patron at the Sophia and Farrah restaurant. I'd be afraid Farrah will decide mid-meal that she would rather go on a date, and make her mom cook. And that the restaurant would be called "Mom, You're Such a Bitch!"
:21 A trucker can make $900 a week, be home on weekends and, most importantly, get to pull that string to blow their horn?! I'm in the wrong profession ... that sounds great! Shebamzee! Oh wait... Ryan hates the idea. "Would you sacrifice for him?" the guy asks. "Yes," Ryan says. "Then what's the problem?" That's a very good question. My guess is he's worried they'll force him to speak two-plus syllable sentences on the CB radio.
:28 I hope this series is on long enough so that the babies are old enough to talk. I'd love to here Baby Bentley or Baby Sophia talk about life with their parents. "Get meez outta here!" "Deez people r crazzee!" (For some reason, I imagine them with crazy Russian accents)
:29 Catelynn and Tyler's baby's name is Carly, so step forward whoever won the betting pool on that one. I had $10 on "Butcharina"
:31 Amber doesn't want her kid in daycare. Yep, cause that's what would mess Leah up in her life. But Amber is going to do it anyway, since she's out of options. I have a feeling Leah would appreciate just being left alone in the house with a bottle of Courvoisier and film footage of Carly at home with her adopted parents. "What could have been, what could have been," Carly would say. Oops, I mean, "What cood huz bin..."
:38 Farrah has Sophia attached to her like a homeless, hungover kangaroo.
:40 Maci meets with her relationship counselor on her own. The counselor says Maci should think of one nice thing to do for Ryan. She should buy him a trucker hat!
:44 Leah is already flirting with another boy at daycare. Watch out, Leah. That's how Mommy got in trouble.
:51 Chances Butch will stay out of jail before the season ends = Chances Ryan will become the national poet laureate
:54 Amber, I would not leave my baby with the girl with half-cornrows. She looks like she just got out of the slammer and is somebody's bitch.
:55 Ryan's smiling? Ryan's saying complete sentences? Who is that kid? Give me back old Ryan! He was comedy gold!

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom

You (never) asked for it! It's the TV Play by Play series, with a special post about MTV's "Teen Mom." Please tell me you've watched this show. Please. If you haven't, here's my recap of the show that started it, "16 and Pregnant."
Get ready, get set, make bad decisions. It's time to be a Teen Mom. If you hear crying on the way, don't worry. That's just your child born out of wedlock and the tears of remorse.

:02 Maci, Ryan and Maserati or Volkswagon or Bentley or whatever the kid's name is are getting a family photo. "We're not in prison here," the photographer says, as Ryan tries to telepathically tell the dude that yes, in fact, this is his prison and he is serving a lifetime daddy sentence.

:03 Amber's face looks Asian when she's in pain, when she's crying, when she's angry, when she's tired. Essentially, she's emotionally Japanese.

:04 Does Farrah not realize how good she has it? She gets to live at home, have barely any expenses, a live-in babysitter and her biggest problem is a guy named Shaq. I wish I made that last part up.

:05 The votes (of my girlfriend and I) are in: Catelynn (and Tyler) win best couple, Farrah is dumbest/sluttiest*, Maci (and Ryan) are the saddest, Amber is the funniest (although she doesn't realize it).
* If Farrah isn't 18 yet and I called her slutty, I apologize. In that case, I'll call her "ever so slightly a bit of a whore."

:09 Ryan and Maci are the most depressing couple to watch. Ryan has all the facial expression of Heidi Montag, and all the charm of Spencer Pratt ... Ryan has been moping around since he lost his job. But, in all honesty, Ryan would mope if they canceled his favorite TV show ... which is probably "Cops."

:11 Capricorn on the Catelynn/Tyler step-sister/step-brother situation: "It's Cruel Intentions!" Why didn't I think of that? I just hope Catelynn doesn't tell Tyler he can stick it anywhere.

:13 "Nobody cares to hear what you have to say," Farrah tells her dad, who happens to be paying for her kid's food and shelter. Way to rape a gift horse in the butt (or something to that effect). She's really upset her parents don't love her going out every night, and let her be a "normal teenager." C'mon, Farrah's mom. It's not like she's made bad decisions and got pregnant before! P.S. Alexander, Farrah's date, must be 30. But at least he had the sense to tell her it's not cool she never hangs out with her baby. P.S.S. I've seen Farrah and Sophia together about 10 percent of the time. You'd be more likely to see Tiger Woods give Charlie Sheen marriage counseling.

:21 Gary and Amber are the best worst couple ever. They have no idea how to be in a relationship, and argue all the time. It's adorable. Amber slaps Gary. Gary calls Amber lazy. Amber cries. Gary buys a Playstation. It's fantastic.

:26 Times Ryan has smiled so far this season = Times Gary has been right in any argument

:27 Gary has moved from buying her an engagement ring at Wal-mart, to buying her a take home Cracker Barrel meatloaf meal. I can't say this is his worst strategy. I want to, but I know it will work.

:29 Let's be honest. This Sheena girl, the college student who gave a kid up for adoption, is vying for a spot on Teen Mom Season 2, with all her adopted mom therapy talk. Shrewd move.

:34 Gary is manning up. I'll give him that. I'm pulling for Gary and Amber to work things out; if Jennifer and Brad Jennifer and Vince Jennifer and John Jennifer and bitter loneliness can make it... er, best of luck! Confession: Part of my support is because I can't wait to see what "nice thing" Gary does for her next. I hope it involves K-Mart and 7-11. I kind of hope he's on the next season of The Bachelor.

:38 Farrah got home at 3 a.m.? On a night the guy didn't even like her? Now she wants to go out again, and her parents aren't having it. Excuse me, "Michael" doesn't get it. I forgot Farrah calls her dad that. Actually, she said "Michael, shut the &#%$ up." If I said that to my parents, I would be castrated on the spot. Saying the Lord's name in vein cost me a testicle.

:46 Baby Bentley* cries. Unemployed Ryan tells Maci, who worked all night, to take care of the baby, and to stop being lazy, and then he walks out. Other than that, his Dad of the Year nomination is still right in line.
* Not the name of a rapper.

:50 Capricorn to my future as a father: "You'd have the baby and go, 'You want to be on a blog, little baby?' You should not be a father anytime soon. You'd leave the door open and the baby would crawl out." The truth hurts.

:53 Ryan is the worst dad this side of K-Fed. It needed to be said. He's not even a dead-beat dad, because he sticks around and yet doesn't offer anything to the relationship or in support. He's an alive-beat dad. During relationship counseling, he's told to hug his cute fiance more (torture!). She's told not to expect he knows what she wants (what a revelation!). Baby Bentley is told to ask Catelynn and Tyler to adopt him, as clearly they are the most mature people on this show.

:55 So it was an episode about mended relationships... which will all be broken next episode. I mean, Gary and Ryan are involved.