Tuesday, March 31, 2009

To discuss things I hate about moving, plus Where's Bailey?

Minus a few boxes, my move is done.
That should mean I can get back to blogging regularly, and boy, do I have some good stuff for you.

But first, let's play a game called, "Where's Bailey?"Can you find the chiweenie in this photo taken during Moving Weekend 2009?

Yes, Bailey, in a secretive, Anne Frank-esque move minus the murderous Nazis and plus the fur, has taken occupancy of a studio apartment-- the bottom shelf of my bookcase. He has yet to pay rent, however.

In fact, he owes me $300. That's how much it cost for the pet deposit. In the first of what will likely be a series of blog posts about moving, here's my 5 Things I Hate About Moving:
  1. Pet policies: 75 percent of renters don't allow pets, and the other 25 percent allow pets, but only after cash-raping you with a deposit and a series of forms to prove your dog doesn't have rabies/won't attack children/won't hump your leg. What's wrong with a little dog-humping? Beggars can't be choosers.
  2. Address change: You have to notify every single company you deal with of your new address, let alone the Postal Service. It's at this point that you realize how antiquated mail delivery is, and yet how much of a thrill you get when you have actual mail. I notified all the companies, making it much easier for them to send me bills and other sources of tears. I also got new subscriptions to Maxim and to Cosmo. Capricorn: "You got the subscription to Cosmo in your name?" Me: "Yes. It's for business purposes. It's not weird. Um, right?"
  3. Packing: It is always at this point that you think, "My God! How did I accumulate all this stuff? I've got an entire moving box full of pens and notebook paper! Where did all these knick-knacks come from? How long has that drifter lived beneath my sink?" Every time I move, I capriciously throw away or donate as much as possible. And yet, I never seem to have fewer things. More than once during a move, I have sworn I'd become a monk and throw away everything except the most essential items. That never works, though, as "essential" on my list includes Tivo, a laptop, a couch, a Shamwow*, etc.
  4. Learning the New Area: At least this time, I was only moving across town. But normally, this involves starting from scratch and finding the local grocery store/gas station/dope smuggler, and that can be time-consuming. It's a lot of trial-and-error to find the good ones. You have to figure out which Chinese restaurants have good sweet-and-sour chicken, and which ones have an unusual relationship with the animal shelter.
  5. Hanging up things: I hate hanging up things on the wall, but I love having things on the wall. So I'll bang in a couple nails, and discover the frame is crooked. Then I re-bang the nails, and after thirty minutes of banging, all I have is a crooked frame and syphilis. Plus, you have to get the little frame hang-y thingies to latch on to the nails. I'd have better luck getting Lindsay Lohan an Oscar for "I Know Who Killed Me." Until God grants my request for X-Ray vision, hanging things on little hooks will always be a headache.**
* I didn't forget about my promise to review Shamwow. In fact, I've got something special cooked up, Made for TV style, as soon as I get the chance to write it.
** God won't grant it because He knows I'd only use it to see through girls' clothing. You got me, Jesus, you got me.

Bailey's in the bottom right, if you haven't him by now. And, if that's true that you haven't found him by now, please cut up your driver's license. Thanks.


Ben said...

Dear Bailey,

I would very much like to carry you around in my pocket and feed you treats all day long.

You in?



Racquel Valencia said...

I found him almost immediately. Then again, I'm drawn to animals like flies to shit. Only the cuter version.

I also hate to hang things. HATE IT. I sometimes put them up crooked on purpose so that it looks "artsy".

Soda and Candy said...

What a great little apartment Bailey has found himself.

Andy: You sir, are a lightweight. Try moving COUNTRIES!!! Everything gets shipped in giant wooden crates.

Amy xxoo said...

And you have just remained me there is only towelve more weeks til i move into my duplex.... woohoo! This of course does mean all the horrors of moving however, all my furntiure is currently already packed in a storage shed plus it will be the first piece of property i OWN.

That will make the whole experience different right ?

Diane said...

Moving sucks. The last time I did it, it was SO bad that I swore I was throwing EVERYTHING out and starting from scratch when I have to go again. And I'm not kidding. Really. Everything. Trash.

PS... all my pictures are crooked. Drives me nuts.

Heather said...

Glad you're all settled in. And thank God you don't have to find a new dope smuggler. That would be terrible.
Good luck getting Bailey to pay rent. I hope that works for you. I wish Toby would get off his lazy ass and get a job. Seriously.. dog food ain't free, homeslice.

Anonymous said...

I would like to inform you that you're statistics in #1 are incorrect. Not only do I rent a place that allows pets, but I do not pay a dime extra because I have one.

Ha ha. I win. You lose.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Dude, the number one reason to have a girlfriend is so you can put Cosmo subscriptions in her name and not look like a total pussy to your new neighbors (didn't anybody tell you?)

Erin said...

Pet policies are awful. I get why they are necessary, but they are such a pain. At our last apartment before homeownership, we had to pay $15 a month in pet "rent". I used to threaten Rufus that if he didn't behave, I wouldn't pay his rent and he would get evicted. This had no effect on his behavior whatsoever.

BeckEye said...

What are you doing? Reviewing the actual usefulness of a ShamWow, or reviewing Vince's hooker slap-chop technique?

Anonymous said...

Bailey=Adorable and incognito.

But seriously...those pet policies are insane. Our dogs owe us $600 total and are not responding well each time I insist they get a JOB. Although, Ari has taken to marking a bunch of new trees. I think he aspires to a career in real estate.

Anonymous said...

First time commenter, but I'd like to add a little side note to your first "*". The Shamwow guy was arrested. His mugshot on the smoking gun is amazing.

Geiger Girl said...

Awwww! I love how Bailey is gazing soulfully from his new studio apartment.

I wish I had a cute little dog like that. But no, I have a sinister cat. (Aren't they all though?)

kimmers said...

Ahhhhh, that dog is so cute it hurts. The expression on his face is killing me a little bit.

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