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Monday, August 17, 2009

To discuss getting my game on, and what Wii might want for other games

Capricorn and I took a trip to my brother's house on Saturday for a little Wii action.
Being deprived children when we grew up*, my brother and I didn't have the latest video gaming system and were often told to instead "use our imagination" or "read a book." Now, sure, all of that creativity and reading helped me become what some might call a "good writer" and "a productive member of society."

But it didn't help me beat Bowser or figure out what exactly WAS the legend of Zelda.
Since those days, my brother and I (my sister is not a gamer, per se), have taken greater appreciation of video games, whether on a Playstation 2, a Nintendo 64 (Mario Kart is the pinnacle of 90s gaming) and now, with his Wii.

No, we're never going to be hardcore gamers, however attractive it might be to endlessly play World of Warcraft so much your girlfriend breaks up with you because you've installed a catheter to cut down on bathroom breaks.

But we do love when we have a chance to play a game together. On Saturday, that meant Wii tennis (Capricorn beat me, btw), Wii bowling, Wii Mario Kart and Wii Duck Hunt. It's not far fetched to say if Wii had been around when we were kids, I might not have been the writer I am today. I also might be a total fatty.

In an effort not to disappoint my mother, let me combine my childhood creativity and modern Wii gaming in something we'll call, "Andy's Attempts to Justify a Post about Wii." Here are Wii games I would have liked as a boy:

Wii Dodgeball: High schools around the country have stopped allowing dodgeball out of the danger of injury to nerds. Well, in Wii Dodgeball, the nerds fire 100 mph throws at their jock opponents. Using real-life arm motion, nerds can get revenge despite their lack of arm muscle and athletic prowess. When jocks get hit by a ball, their testicles explode into a puff of confetti and failure.

Wii Homework: Wii scans your homework, and fills out the answers for you. Users can enter the approximate amount of spelling mistakes and inaccurate information needed to give it a "realistic feel." Completed homework can be sent to users e-mail accounts. And, when users get caught in real life cheating and are kicked out of school, they'll have tons of extra Wii gaming time on their hands.

Wii Vegetables: Tell your parents you're eating your vegetables every day, because technically, you are. Little do they know, it's Wii broccoli. To get bonus points, gamers must find new ways to hide their spinach without being detected.

Wii Middle School Dance: Users must first pass a note to a girl during class, a note that must be folded in an intricate style so as to impress the girl with your origami skills. This difficult Wii task is done with the new "Wii Trembling Hands" controller. If the girl circles "yes" to your request to go to the dance together, you must then Wii pin a corsage on her without drawing blood, Wii slow dance to "Endless Love" without stepping on her foot, and Wii kiss without getting your braces tangled. This game is compatible with "Wii High School Prom," which features such levels as "Rent a Hotel Room" and "Try to Get Lucky."

Wii Captain Planet: I'm not sure why this hasn't happened yet. You could have special hand movements to do "Earth!" (arms spread out around them) "Wind!" (hands rush upward) "Water!" (arms do a wave gesture, 80s style) "Fire!" (hands do explosion gesture) and "Heart!" (hands rub crotch vigorously)

Wii Sex Ed: Users have to virtually put a condom on a banana, Wii giggle at the teacher, watch a Wii movie about wee little semen entering a Wii vagina, and make Wii inappropriate hand gestures.

* By deprived, I mean having all the food, clothing, shelter and affection a boy could ask for, but not having a Super Nintendo.
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Sidenote: StateIAmIn got me addicted to my first Facebook app game, Typing Maniac. She even warned me. Now I'm up to robot level (581,000 points!). I'll take on all challengers... This is the best thing to happen to computer gaming since Oregon Trail. Yeah, I said it.

18 comments:

Erin said...

Typing Maniac is the greatest time suck ever. I have to go play some more now...

Doniree said...

Mario Kart = WIN

gracie-mel said...

i bounce back and forth between king.com (to get my Chuzzle on) and Typing Maniac (thanks bro!).
And I still think you bewitched those hands somehow.

Alexis said...

We didn't get a Super Nintendo until my little brother broke his leg and could do nothing but lay on the floor. And even then my parents had a major discussion about it.

I'm assuming since you said HAD a Corgi that they got rid of it!! AWWWW.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Ah, but there *is* Wii Dodgeball. It's part of the Schoolyard game, which includes tetherball (did anyone actually ever play tetherball and not just try to smack each other in the head with the ball?), slot car racing and paper airplane racing (it makes up for mine never flying in real life...) Oh, and I know this because my parents didn't buy us video game systems growing up so of course I convinced my husband we needed a Wii (take that, Mom and Dad!)

Debbie said...

You are a brilliant game designer. I sense a new career:)

Heather said...

Excellent game ideas.

I love Wii because it's the great equalizer. Everyone looks equally stupid as they swing, punch and swat the air.

Kellie said...

This:
"Heart!" (hands rub crotch vigorously)

Is hilarious. :)

Also, we are addicted to Wii Mario Kart. They'd better come up w/ a Mario Kart II (and soon!)

Amy xxoo said...

I'm loving a little bit of Wii action every now and then too. In fact, Mr Gil and I are heading to my brothers house this Friday for a Wii night.

For the record, i can beat him at Wii Bowling ( Wii Tennis, however, i'm still geting the hang of )....

Jill Pilgrim said...

Wii sex ed is genius. Awesome.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahhaha, brilliant.
I was similarly deprived, not even a Game Boy!!!
I wish I had Wii Vegetables when I was a kid.

P said...

Wii Homework would have been so handy as a child. (Not that Wiis were invented in the days when I was a child).

And you've actually reminded me how we used to have a Captain Planet game for our (I think) Amiga as kids. No crotch rubbing involved though. Thank god..

TishTash said...

That poor Heart kid so got the shaft when they were giving out superpowers.

Sam_I_am said...

We have a WII and a GameFly subscription. One of my favorites is Mario Party 8, except for the game where all the characters have to shake their pop cans and see which one explodes the most. The only problem is that the motion of the WII controller is eerily similar to a male masturbation movement. That might be why the object is to see who explodes the highest....

lbluca77 said...

Wii Dodgeball sounds so fun. Does it include Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller cause then I am so buying a Wii right now.

Jenners said...

Wii...the gaming system for non-gamers. We got sucked in last year and played every night for 3 hours for 5 months straight and then abruptly burnt out and quit. I suppose it will come back someday. All-time favorite Wii game? Wario Ware's Smooth Moves. MUST PLAY IT!

And I love love love your games!

amindinmotown said...

Would you like the know the best thing about Typing Maniac (I'm a recovering addict, by the way)? It sounds like you're doing work - when at work - but you're not. But the ferocious typing makes people believe you are writing the next best article at your desk.

Clairebear said...

Typing maniac has sucked me in. I hate it and love it all at once. Stupid typing maniac. stupid facebook. *grumbly face*

...Just kidding, I love you facebook.

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