Capricorn and I took a trip to my brother's house on Saturday for a little Wii action.
Being deprived children when we grew up*, my brother and I didn't have the latest video gaming system and were often told to instead "use our imagination" or "read a book." Now, sure, all of that creativity and reading helped me become what some might call a "good writer" and "a productive member of society."
But it didn't help me beat Bowser or figure out what exactly WAS the legend of Zelda.
Since those days, my brother and I (my sister is not a gamer, per se), have taken greater appreciation of video games, whether on a Playstation 2, a Nintendo 64 (Mario Kart is the pinnacle of 90s gaming) and now, with his Wii.
No, we're never going to be hardcore gamers, however attractive it might be to endlessly play World of Warcraft so much your girlfriend breaks up with you because you've installed a catheter to cut down on bathroom breaks.
But we do love when we have a chance to play a game together. On Saturday, that meant Wii tennis (Capricorn beat me, btw), Wii bowling, Wii Mario Kart and Wii Duck Hunt. It's not far fetched to say if Wii had been around when we were kids, I might not have been the writer I am today. I also might be a total fatty.
In an effort not to disappoint my mother, let me combine my childhood creativity and modern Wii gaming in something we'll call, "Andy's Attempts to Justify a Post about Wii." Here are Wii games I would have liked as a boy:
Wii Dodgeball: High schools around the country have stopped allowing dodgeball out of the danger of injury to nerds. Well, in Wii Dodgeball, the nerds fire 100 mph throws at their jock opponents. Using real-life arm motion, nerds can get revenge despite their lack of arm muscle and athletic prowess. When jocks get hit by a ball, their testicles explode into a puff of confetti and failure.
Wii Homework: Wii scans your homework, and fills out the answers for you. Users can enter the approximate amount of spelling mistakes and inaccurate information needed to give it a "realistic feel." Completed homework can be sent to users e-mail accounts. And, when users get caught in real life cheating and are kicked out of school, they'll have tons of extra Wii gaming time on their hands.
Wii Vegetables: Tell your parents you're eating your vegetables every day, because technically, you are. Little do they know, it's Wii broccoli. To get bonus points, gamers must find new ways to hide their spinach without being detected.
Wii Middle School Dance: Users must first pass a note to a girl during class, a note that must be folded in an intricate style so as to impress the girl with your origami skills. This difficult Wii task is done with the new "Wii Trembling Hands" controller. If the girl circles "yes" to your request to go to the dance together, you must then Wii pin a corsage on her without drawing blood, Wii slow dance to "Endless Love" without stepping on her foot, and Wii kiss without getting your braces tangled. This game is compatible with "Wii High School Prom," which features such levels as "Rent a Hotel Room" and "Try to Get Lucky."
Wii Captain Planet: I'm not sure why this hasn't happened yet. You could have special hand movements to do "Earth!" (arms spread out around them) "Wind!" (hands rush upward) "Water!" (arms do a wave gesture, 80s style) "Fire!" (hands do explosion gesture) and "Heart!" (hands rub crotch vigorously)
Wii Sex Ed: Users have to virtually put a condom on a banana, Wii giggle at the teacher, watch a Wii movie about wee little semen entering a Wii vagina, and make Wii inappropriate hand gestures.
* By deprived, I mean having all the food, clothing, shelter and affection a boy could ask for, but not having a Super Nintendo.
Sidenote: StateIAmIn got me addicted to my first Facebook app game, Typing Maniac. She even warned me. Now I'm up to robot level (581,000 points!). I'll take on all challengers... This is the best thing to happen to computer gaming since Oregon Trail. Yeah, I said it.
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