If everyday phone conversations were like calls to a customer service center:
You: Hey, Andy
Me: This conversation may be recorded to help monitor quality.
You: Andy, I was just going to ask a quick question. No need to ...
Me: If you are a current friend, please enter your friend identification, such as a Facebook status update or Twitter username, now.
You: Is all this necessary? Fine. @andysfriend
Me: I did not understand your identification. Please enter again.
You: Seriously? Uhhhhh. Fine. @. a. n. d. y. s. f. r. i. e. n. d.
Me: Thank you. I look forward to having a conversation with you. Your conversation is very important to me. So important, I'd like you to hold.
You: Hold? It's 8 a.m. on a Thursday. Who else is trying call you?
Me: *jazz music*
You: You couldn't at least get some Kings of Leon?
Me: *jazz music swells and then fades, then more jazz music starts* I'm experiencing higher than normal call volumes. I'll be with you as soon as possible.
You: You say that every time. When aren't you experiencing higher than normal call volumes. Did you set the bar so low that it's impossible not to be overwhelmed? And how is that possible when I know you outsource our conversations to India?
Me: *jazz music*
You: Kenny G called, he wants his dignity back.
Me: Hi, my name is Andy. Can I get you friend identification please?
You: What the hell, dude?! I already gave you it. Ahhhh! Fine. Whatever. It's @andysfriend.
Me: Hmmm. That's not showing up on my friendship registry. Can you tell me your friend account number?
You: Why would I have that on me? Do you think I carry a piece of paper around with that number like it's some seventh grade love note you passed me during study hall?
Me: Hmmm. Oh, here, I found you. Great. Uh-hmm. Let me just take a second to review our friendship. Uh-hmm. Oh my. OK, good. How can I help you today?
You: Wow, OK, all I wanted to do was reschedule our dinner plans and move them to next week.
Me: Let me see what I can do for you. Please hold.
You: Are you fu....
Me: *jazz music only a crazy cat lady could love*
Me: OK, what date would you like to reschedule for?
You: Next Friday.
Me: Oh, it appears I'm all booked for next Friday. How would Sunday at 3 a.m. do for you?
You: We're doing dinner plans, not a rave. How is that possibly a good time to schedule dinner?
Me: It appears that's my only available time for the next six weeks, so...
You: Fine, whatever, I'll take it.
Me: Now according to our friendship contract, I'll have to charge you an extra $57 for dinner because you rescheduled within 24 hours of the original dinner plans. And then you'll, of course, be paying for dinner and any tips and drinks associated with dinner.
You: What in sweet baby Jesus' nativity scene are you talking about?
Me: I'm sorry, friend, it's all laid out in our friendship agreement.
You: That's just great. Well, is it possible to downgrade this to lunch? I can't afford dinner anymore.
Me: Please hold.
You: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP PUTTING ME O...
Me: * Kenny G is making love to that alto sax *
Me: OK, friend, I talked with my manager and he said we can do that for you. But you're now locked into a two-year friendship agreement with me. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
You: Oh, you've done more than enough. If you could just call the paramedics, I think there may be enough time to stop the bleeding from the knife wound I just self-inflicted...
Me: And take care. Have a great day, friend.
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