To discuss Dog Food Nation Part II: Montezuma's Carpet Revenge

I was just about to retire* for the night (* Retire sounds so much cooler than "going to bed) late last week, with Capricorn already fast asleep and both Leo and Bailey snuggled in on the bed.

I had already walked the dogs, washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed into my Muppet pajamasnightwear, ready for some sleep.

I turned off the light. I let Bailey get his customary position behind the crook of my knees. I closed my eyes.

*Pfffflttaat*

What the ...

* Pffffflluuuttttooooggghhhh*

Like the protagonist in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, I threw open the covers and the sash and all that jazz, turned on the light and tried to figure out what was going on. Capricorn was asleep. Bailey was curled up like a dried leaf. That leaves...

Col. Mustard in the drawing room with the candlestick!

Errrr... Leo!

Before I could get visual confirmation, I got olfactory confirmation. Something stank up in this mother. Like if Ursula from Little Mermaid beached herself and rotted.

I peered under the bed. Leo scampered out, leaving behind such stunningly obvious evidence you wouldn't need CSI: Las Vegas to take an hour to solve this crime (CSI: Montana, maybe). Quickly, I grabbed Leo and raced him outside, where, in the night's blustery, frigid weather, he had a contest with Mother Nature on who could break the most wind.

Then, back inside, I had to scrub the carpet, while Capricorn in her half-awake daze tried to figure out what was going on.

For the rest of the weekend, we've been laughing like 5th graders every time we make a whoopee cushion sound and say Leo's belly must be hurting again.

Leo's Montezuma's Carpet Revenge was a signal for change (and for more Febreze).

Two weeks ago, I wrote about how LoveMaegan helped inspire us to give our dogs better food. We had fed them Pedigree, which we now realize has all types of mediocre ingredients. We switched to Evo, which has ingredients that practically would make a Thanksgiving feast: Turkey, Chicken, Blueberries, Tomatoes, Apples, and more.

But it also turns out that some dogs, namely ours, can't handle the richness of it. Even though we mixed their food with the old stuff, we basically had a couple weeks worth of Taco Bell's bathroom. Not that it's Evo's fault- dog food is very finicky that way.

So on Saturday, I returned the giant bag of Evo to the pet store, thankful that I had kept the receipt, and that Evo's company has a satisfaction guarantee. In its place, I got a product that had been number 2 on my list, and in the top 10 of many reputable dog food reviews: Solid Gold.

It's a little less protein rich, which should help. And its first ingredient (dog foods should always have a meat for the first ingredient) is bison, which will come in handy if we ever traverse the Oregon Trail and run out of bullets.

We'll see how this goes. I'd prefer it if I didn't hear any more canine flatulence. And I'm also taking Bailey to the vet Tuesday for dental work, because on a scale of 1 to Crystal Bowersox,* he's the American Idol frontrunner. (* P.S. Love her singing. So there's that.).

He has to go under anesthesia and might even have to get teeth pulled, which could render all this new dry dog food irrelevant if I have to spoon feed him like an elderly man.

That sums up my life- spoon feeding my elderly man/chiweenie.

If you're interested in how your dog's food holds up, check out dogfoodanalysis.com. If you don't have a dog, might I interest you in a flatulent, rectally explosive chihuahua?