Tuesday, September 16, 2008

To discuss a dog with more issues than you

I'm taking Bailey to the vet this afternoon, which is both scary and great.

Scary, because you always get a little nervous the vet will find something wrong with your pet (last time, they discovered he has a heart murmur, which makes his heart beat like a Nelly Furtado song). And scary because it freaking costs a freaking lot of money for freaking everything.

Great, because it gives me a reasonable excuse to talk about my dog, which I try not to do often since I don't want to be one of "those" guys that talks about their pet like anyone gives a crap.
Some things you should know about Bailey:
  • He's a chihuahua/dachshund mix, a.k.a. a Chiweenie, a.k.a. likeliest dog to become the neighborhood bitch of other dogs.
  • I adopted him from an animal shelter, where Ex-Fiance and I were told no one else wanted him because he was weird. For some reason, no alarms went off in our head. Hmm.
  • He has a small chunk missing out of his right ear, making his already gigantic ears look even stranger. I'm hoping it was because he used to get in gang fights with other dogs, with one vicious fight ending with him, sans full ear, telling other dogs, "You should see the other guy," as he smokes a cigarette and the other dog limps away with his testicles ripped off.
  • He does dumb things, often involving fecal matter. Examples: When driving from Connecticut to Pennsylvania in the early days of owning him, Bailey, who usually curls up and sleeps in the passenger seat, jumped on to my lap. He looked up at me as we cruised down the highway, arched his back, and took a giant dump all over me.... Example 2: Bailey follows me everywhere, and I mean everywhere. So at one point earlier this year, I had just sat down on the porcelain throne. The bathroom door was ajar, and in walks Bailey. He has a strange look on his ugly mug. Within a second, he is tip-pawing across the bathroom floor, right in front of me, as he dispenses diarrhea everywhere like a chocolate fire hose. I gasp in horror, as I see Bailey continue his Trail of Poopy Tears back toward the door and onto the carpeted hallway. With my pants still around my ankles, I lunge after his pulsating rear end with a Kleenex to catch the remains of this running brown tragedy. Moments later, he's done and calmly walks away. I survey the scene around me-- pants down, tissue full of dog nastiness, poop all around (but not on) me-- and I decided it might just be time to call it quits on life.
  • He humps things, even though he's fixed. In the first days of owning him in 2005, Ex-Fiance and I already had adopted her Pomeranian, Lucy (who, at one point, jumped into a toilet and stood there like she was in a bird bath). Lucy was spayed. Lucy did not appreciate Bailey trying to hump her like an audition for Bailey Bangs Baltimore in the days leading up to his neutering appointment. He also humped one pillow with such disdain and vigor that I'd come home from work every day with stuffing littering the floor like a fallen cloud, incriminating pieces of pillow stuffing clinging on his disproportionally large mantool.... And even now, every so often, I catch him trying to hump something. Just like dad.
  • He's an awesome dog. We spoon every night.
His appointment today is to investigate why he's licking all of his paws incessantly, giving new meaning to the phrase "Lap dog." It may be allergies; it may be skin irritation; it may be he needs the touch of a good woman. I already mentioned how Sister and I looked at potential partners for Bailey, and how that ended in scary metal pipe images. Here's hoping today's appointment isn't as scary. I'll update you later.


gracie-mel said...

You forgot to mention his most endearing quality: he prefers to be covered in blankets when he's on the sofa. And he'll conduct his guard-pup business as usual while totally covered up in a comforter, barking away looking totally ridiculous as a barking mound of terror. Makes you just want to hug him!
Good luck at the vet today!

SouthernBelle said...

awww, poor little Bailey. I am also one of those people who talks too much about their pets, but I am (a) a woman, so allowed to be sappy and (b) married, so not a crazy cat lady.

I feel you on the vet bills, they're always insane. Here's hoping you'll get away relatively unscathed.

Herding Cats said...

Your dog looks EXACTLY and sounds exactly like my boyfriend's. He also has a chiweenie. Very strange dog. Also adopted at a shelter where "no one wanted him." Oh - and he has a heart murmur too! Long lost brothers perhaps?

Sam_I_am said...

This was my favorite entry. I LOVE to talk dog/pet. Plus, it's reassuring that your dog is about as screwed up as mine. My female dog has a broken spincter, which means she'll just let go and pee everywhere (I had to replace the couch). Fortunately, they make a pill for that.

Miss Tiff said...

Poor Bailey. Good luck at the vet.
It's also very reassuring to know that my dog is not the only dog that behave crazily.

alexis said...

I couldn't get my once-feral-now-rescued cat in the carrier. So I had to cancel my appointment, when I called to tell him, the woman on the other end suggested that I put him in a pillow case "because that really works."

I think I will be shopping around for a new vet.

PS: every time I go to the vet now, it's like $100 bucks. Reason 2 for shopping around for a new vet.

Andy said...

Just got back... That was.. uh... interesting... Will update either today or tomorrow.

Sister: I almost forgot about that. I used to have a comforter with a removable outer layer so you could wash it. Bailey used to tunnel in between the comforter and the outer layer and get stuck. He'd start barking while he ran around.
Belle- Consider me scathed.
Herding- As I commented on your page, I'm going to need a photo. If you want, we can post them side by side on this site for comparison.
Sam- If I read that correctly, your dog broke his ass?
Tiff- I don't think there are normal dogs.
Alexis- Once in the pillow case, are you supposed to beat them with a bat?

Anonymous said...

Ugghh. Vet bills are the worst. Hopefully Bailey is healthy. (P.S. My dog would incessantly lick his paws and it was, in fact, due to allergies.)

sj said...

i loved this post!

i, like sb, as usual, am also one of those people who love their dogs and must talk about them, as is evident by my blog this week.

strangely, my dog is also named bailey. but he is not such a blend. but he has a crush on our vet, so we are lucky there.

(and he humps the air. can't explain it.)

Finger Talks said...

i hope Bailey's visit went good. My dog Moose is doing better thanks! Although i do wish i could have had a video of me trying to carry my 70 pound dog to the car in a blanket. Even he looked at me like i was crazy. I'm envious of Bailey's carryability.

bianca said...

I just started laughing out loud in my Wills & Trusts class. Good thing it's a night class and only the people around me noticed :)

ANG* said...

1) how did i not know that your pup was half weiner?!!? you are aware of my love for that breed, correct? (oh boy did i set myself up for a joke there...)

2) heart murmur to Nelly Furtado song -- amazing simile

3) the visual you created with your second poo story is incredible. and a bit sad... i mean i guess thats what you get for not locking the door ;)

4) "And even now, every so often, I catch him trying to hump something. Just like dad." <--- that, killed me.

5) please talk about your dog more!

Anonymous said...

I love when people talk about their dogs, but (after reading the newest post, following this one), I'm glad to here Bailey is doing well. =)

If it makes you feel any better about your shitting dog... My puppy girl, Sophie, decides almost daily to shit in her crate when I'm not home. So nearly every single day, I have to clean up dog crap once I'm home -- and no, not whole dog crap, but some smooshed version after she decided to step in it, and occassionally sit in it, for the greater portion of the afternoon.

Needless to say, I deal with constant scratching, but it's her own fault. If she just stopped stomping shit all day, I wouldn't have to bathe her ALL THE TIME and her skin wouldn't be so damn dry.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I don't know how I missed this post back when you posted it, but I just read it out loud to the Pretend Husband... and I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. Even the PH, who thinks blogs are lame, was laughing his ass off. Our dogs weren't laughing, but I think that's only because they're in awe of Bailey and his "talents."

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