To discuss There's Something about Abused Puppies, and Why Cheating is Acceptable

First off, chill. Abused puppies, bad. Cheating, bad.. Let's take a deep breath...
This is a hodgepodge of things that happened over the holiday weekend; I'm writing about it now because, on very few occasions, I do actually hang out with real, live people and don't get to a computer. Fortunately for you, these cases are rare and shouldn't interrupt this blog often. God help us if I get a girlfriend. She'll have to understand priorities.*

I spent a big chunk of the weekend in Baltimore (B-Vegas? Can I make that happen, too?) with Sister and her Yorkie Poo (which, unlike the breed name, does not mean a Yorkie that stepped in a toilet). Since I took my chiweenie down with me, he actually had another dog to play with for once, a fact he greatly enjoyed. He's been worrying me some because he's been licking his paws like there's chocolate inside, so anything to distract him is helpful...
And that leads us to Web site visit number 1:
Petfinder.com
On a whim, Sister and I perused the site looking at potential female dogs to adopt for Bailey to play around with/hump with vigor while I'm at work... The dog has to be about the same size, or he freaks out, so that limits our options to chihuahua mixes or tiny furballs that I want to name Swiffer.
Petfinder did not disappoint, with lots of cute dogs around. But, disturbingly, they have lots of animal shelters that don't exactly know how to market their pets...First off, I'm greatly bewildered at the phrase "high-kill shelter," as in "poodle saved from a high-kill shelter."... Couldn't you call it a "low adoption rate shelter" or something nicer? High kill shelter makes it sound like they are slaughtering puppies Cruella de Ville style. Hey, there are dead puppies everywhere, want to adopt the one that survived the canine holocaust?
Other choice options include:

• Cameron Diaz (in sad photo). Not the actress. This 4-year-old Yorkie's name is Cameron Diaz. That name, technically, would make it perfect for my horny Chiweenie, because it sounds as if the Yorkie, like Diaz, is prone to getting sperm on her head (and also underachieving, but let's hope that's just the actress and not the dog). But the real issue here is how they describe the appalling crap CD went through, none of which makes her sound appealing: "I am very, very scared of humans...I don't bark because the people that owned the mill where I came from decided to debark me. This is a terrible procedure that is done with a metal pipe...I am potty trained and will even make a strange noise when I need to go to the bathroom." . Are you f'in kidding me? Who shoves a pipe down Cameron Diaz's throat**? I can just hear the sound that dog makes, and it sounds like death.
• Cagney: She's a 5-year-old Miniature Pin./Chihuahua... and she was abused by the Amish! Just read this: "I was rescued with a 6 month old Pekingese that had been strangled so hard that her eye popped out of it's socket. The Pekingese died several months after she was released." Sweet Jesus in the morning...Who DOES that? "The Amish people did not treat us kindly and our bodies are evidence to that." Did the Amish rape Cagney? Is she tainted goods now? "I had a dental (procedure) that caused me to lose every other tooth in my mouth so when I smile, which I do quite a bit, I look like an old comb." So, let me get this straight- this dog survived some kind of Amish torture chamber where she may or may not have been touched in her private spot, and her smile reminds people of broken combs.... Sign me up!

Needless to say, I did not get another dog... yet. I'll keep you updated. So, Sister and I also took a trip to a Boscov's (a major department store here, like a Macy's or JCPenney or Kohl's) in Delaware because it's going out of business. The last time and only other time I was in Delaware, it was because my brother got us lost on the way back from NYC- Pittsburgh is almost straight west of NYC. My brother went south. Good times.
Anyway- Boscov's had their freakin Christmas display up. It was only Labor Day. I don't want to see any nuts cracking or lights twinkling yet. None. And I like Christmas. A lot. Baby Jesus' birth fills my belly with jovial goodness. But not at Labor Day...
During our car ride, Sister had on the Howard Stern show, and an ad came up for..
Website number 2:
ashleymadison.com
Check it out at some point, although maybe not at work (no nudity, but your moral fiber may vomit all over your work computer and you'll have to pay for it). This site is for people not satisfied in their current relationships, and are looking to hook up with other people in relationships....To recap, I can't even get one girlfriend, and these people want TWO! They don't even try to hide what they are doing. In fact, the web site's philosophy is that these people deserve happiness outside of their relationship. Um, couldn't you just break up with that person first? You know, man up? Or at least use Craiglist's miscellaneous encounters*** and keep it low key?
The world is a scary, scary place.... now, where's that metal pipe I was looking for?

* To future girlfriends: By priorities, I mean you look pretty today/is that a new haircut/I love that shirt/I'll cook, you rest.
** Shame, shame on you for taking that pervertedly. We're talking about abused puppies here.
*** Don't ask me why I know about this. No, I haven't used it. I'm four, maybe five years away from that....
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Thanks to everybody who has submitted questions so far for next Monday's Question and Answer session (if you haven't done so yet-- and really, what's holding you back? There aren't even any rules-- send them to wildarschase@yahoo.com, or leave them in the comments).