Sunday, September 14, 2008

To discuss Michael Phelps staying poolside

Dear Michael Phelps:
First off, in the interest of honesty, let me say that after you won eight freaking medals at the Olympics this summer, I basically am required to have a man crush on you. Not in the, "Hey, let's go back to my place and do it Brokeback style," kind of way- that's gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that... and not to say you aren't an excellent lover... I'm sure you are... It's just that I'm not into the gay stuff... Mikey, whoh, don't misunderstand me... I don't know what you do...if that's what you're into, I mean, I know you hang out with dudes in Speedos all day and maybe you play a little Marco Polo in each others wet suits or whatever... but, you know, I'm just not a man who likes dudes like that.)
Where was I Mike?
Oh yeah, you dominating your Olympic competitors like they were little girls. Mikey, you are a true child predator of the pool- those little girls stood no chance. You just kept lapping them up, no matter how fast they stroked. You always touched first.*
So, Mike, when I heard you were hosting Saturday Night Live's season premiere, I was excited, as was Ladyfriend**. Lil Wayne was the musical guest, and his songs are dirty and hard and gritty, the good stuff you listen to get pumped up, whether it's right before a 4x400 relay race, like you said you did, or, in my case, to get pumped up to grocery shop at Super Wal-mart.
The show starts, Mike, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler doing dead-on political commentary on Palin and Clinton. Classic.
Then... you introduced the show.
By introduced, I mean slowly read off the cue card like the poster child for another 12 years of No Child Left Behind. I'm a little worried you have a speech impediment. Can chlorine do that? I should investigate.
Sure, Mike, you were in funny bits-- The T-Mobile sketch, the 12,000 calorie sketch-- but, good God man, I've seen better acting in sixth-grade productions of the Christmas Carol***. I'm not asking you to be Peyton Manning-as-host funny. I'm just asking you to at least be Nancy Kerrigan-as-host funny. And, you know, learn to not stare at the cue cards like it's your first rehearsal (Wait, was it? I'd go with that if that's the case.)
Nobody's expecting you to be a top-flight actor. No one will care, anyway, as long as you keep winning medals and celebrating with wild, muscle-rippling fist pumps so girls can literally watch your abs with more intensity than an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
But try not to do improv again. Even in the two sketches where you played mentally deficient kids, you gave a bad name to mentally deficient kids.
Best of luck in London!


* Ticket to hell: Priceless.
** A quick update: I hung out with Ladyfriend again Saturday night (I did tell her how you all have thrown your support behind her). We made breakfast for dinner- French toast, sausage, bacon, blueberry muffins.. jealous?- and watched the magic that is "Once." All good times. Also, my dog did not bite her, which is a plus. This concludes the update, you voyeur.
*** You know what's an under-appreciated version of A Christmas Carol? The Muppet Christmas Carol. It's amazing. The penguin Christmas party! The Christmas goose! Marley and Marley!


Amy xxoo said...

Aww, who cares if the kids dumb ? Aside from ears that he could of stolen from the young Forrest Gump, Mr Phelps is hot and athletically talented. I appreciate that.

Also, Andy, i love that you are indie-cool enough to love " Once " but at the same time nerdy-cool enough to be into the Muppets. Seriously, if Ladyfriend doesnt work out, you wana hook up with me ?

alexis said...

I think Phelps and Lil Wayne have Man Crushes on each other and I always thought Lil wayne would get one pumped up to shoot someone, not to go swimming.

PS: I freakin' LOVE Breakfast for Dinner. I am jealous because my ManFriend hates it. What a loser.

gracie-mel said...

take it from a transplanted Baltimoron: Mikey is WAY over-exposing it right now. Living it up in the public eye, every way, every day. I'd say he's taking advantage of EVERY opportunity thrown at him, and like the young kid he is, he's drinking it up. Pretty sure he doesn't have a PR guy at the gate. But I must say that he does know how to stretch that 15 minute thing....

Miss Tiff said...

I agree with gracie-mel he's just trying to stretch his 15 minute thing.

Btw, I'm still super jealous about the breakfast for dinner thing. Oh and the comment in the email about my indiana self hurt. :( (ha ha). (So sending you the man friend's email so you could hint form one guy to another.) Ha ha.

Elisse said...

Just had to tell you that the line "By introduced, I mean slowly read off the cue card like the poster child for another 12 years of No Child Left Behind" had me literally laughing out loud. Wonderful!

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