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Friday, September 12, 2008

To discuss a letter to Fall Television Season

Dear Fall Television Season:

You owe me this month. Like any television viewer, I have an attention span that makes a goldfish seem like Rainman. But I have not forgotten how you screwed me last fall.

Sure, it was for legitimate reasons—you wanted to better compensate writers—but after months of re-runs and Howie Mandel’s dramatic game show pauses and My Sweet 16, I wanted you to offer that refreshing breath into my viewing lungs, as ill-fitting and nonsensical as that metaphor seems.

This year, you’re strike free and back in action. You better deliver. It’s been so long since some of my favorite shows have been on, I’ve been keeping an eye on Nick at Nite in case they are already put in syndication between Home Improvement and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (btw, TV- how are those shows already on that station? Those shows only went off air in the past decade. What’s next, Sex and the City and The Sopranos?)
Here’s your job this autumn, FTS. I need to be reminded why I love The Office, which wasn’t quite as good last year. FTS, will Jim still propose to Pam? Will Dwight and Angela get back together, creating the worst day in Andy Bernard’s life since he got stuck drifting away in that sumo suit?

I could care less about most other NBC premieres, save for 30 Rock and Heroes. They’d probably get more viewers just showing re-runs of their old Must See TV line-up of Mad About You, Friends, Seinfeld and the fourth show that always sucked (Will and Grace, Third Rock from the Sun, Barney and Friends). That line-up used to be the shiznit. I totally underappreciated Helen Hunt back then, perhaps because I was 12. Now, she’s in my top three most attractive actresses-over-40 club, along with Marisa Tomei and your mom.*

And my CBS favorites will be back next week, FTS. Make sure they are kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic. I do have lingering questions, too. Will Big Bang Theory be as delightfully geeky, including as much on-screen time of Sheldon and Penny together as possible?

On How I Met Your Mother, will Ted propose to Stella, and will Barney come up with new levels of awesomeness that will be legend… wait for it…** Can you sneak one past CBS executives, FTS, and bring back The Class? These questions need answered.

On FOX, there’s the always excellent House— will Wilson ever forgive House after his girlfriend died in that accident? —­­ and there’s…um…Hole in the Wall? Are you bloody kidding me, FTS? Who green lighted this piece of crap? The entire show is based on people contorting their bodies to pass through Holes in a Freaking Wall. FOX is now one desperate step away from live telecasts of executions. And don’t think for one second people won’t watch that, either. Half of my readers just got giddy at the thought.

FTS, if ABC has anything good on beside Grey's Anatomy, let me know. I gave up on them after Step by Step went off the air. Dancing With the Stars just doesn’t do it for me anymore, although I may tune in to see Kim Kardashian fall on her butt and bounce back up like it’s rubber. I know some people love Lost, but I missed the first season and I just don’t feel like catching up, FTS, just like I missed that whole Harry Potter thing I keep hearing about. I mean, I’m just catching on to Goosebumps.***

FTS, I’m so glad you’re back, but you’ve got a lot of ground to make up. If this season doesn’t live up to my unreasonable expectations, I’ll go back to watching Seinfeld re-runs.**** And that’s a show about nothing, FTS. There’s also the chance I’ll actually get a life and be out with people, possibly even a woman, and won’t need your services…

Oh, don’t get jealous. You know I love you like Paris Hilton loves night vision cameras.

Love ya,

Andy

* Oh, I went there, yo..

** -Dary.

*** Just kidding. I read all those books. That, and Matt Christopher. “Catcher with a Glass Arm” was The Truth.

**** Other excellent options beyond re-runs, only on cable: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on FX, To Catch a Thief on Discovery (people allow ex-burglars to break into their home, while they watch on closed-circuit TV. It’s awesome) and America’s Next Top Possibility to Have Her Modeling Career Spectacularly Flame Out in Department Store Catalog Desperation, on the CW.

In case you missed it, a reminder: Any questions you’d like answered by me about anything—and I mean, anything—leave them in the comments or e-mail me at wildarschase@yahoo.com. Whenever I get enough questions, I’ll run a feature. But, you know, it’s not called Answer and Answer…Also, I created a Facebook fan page, so that’s another easy way to share this page with others. There’s a photo of my chiweenie on that page, if that catches your interest.

10 comments:

bianca said...

Hole in the wall is totally ridiculous...and yet I watched it. And even worse...I was kinda entertained. Not something I'll see out but if I need to feel better about myself I think this will do the trick.

Amy xxoo said...

See, we here in Australia missed the whole writers strike thing - we're already a season behind you guys with most shows, so we're now pretty much caught up.

Also, we have an australian version of that Hole in the Wall and i too was wondering what dunderhead would even entertain the idea of green lighting it. What a waste of precious airwaves...

alexis said...

Did you ever watch Pushing Daisys? That show is really good.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Amen, brother! And while we're at it, what's with starting the new season at the end of September? I could be wrong, but I thought the new seasons used to kick off right after Labor Day.

I don't know if I can wait two weeks for a new "Office"!

Sam_I_am said...

um, did you notice that Scrubs is now on Nick-at-Night?

hautepocket said...

Remember how the shows on Nick at Night used to seemed old, boring, and way above our heads? Remember how now we're old and boring? My little sister watched Nick at Night recently as was all, "What is this crap? I've never heard of this." IT'S HAPPENING. The end of the world is near.

And also, excuse me, but Entourage? Best show ever?

I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to handle the fact that Grey's and the Office premier at the. same. time.

RainbowEclipse said...

Sooooo, have you NOT watched "Life"? I'm thoroughly addicted to that show, went through withdrawal for a bit realizing that there were no new episodes on the DVR (cuz I never see anything when it's actually ON tv). I actually programmed the season premier date in my phone - with a reminder alarm, just in case.

Second - DVR is amazing. For people like myself who also have a horrible, horrible, embarassingly awful memory, you preset everything you think you might possibly want to see (even before the season officially starts), then it's a surprise that you'll have something to watch when you're bored.

Fingers crossed that the rumors of an actors strike are false....

RainbowEclipse said...

Sorry - final note -- Hole In the Wall - watched it once with no sound, at a bar... I was thoroughly entertained. Except, i'd rather try it than watch it I think.

Miss Tiff said...

If Sex and the City and Sopranos goes to Nick at Nite anytime in the near future I think I will just lose it. Period.

I love House and Office.. :)

Andy said...

Bianca- Isn't it crazy that even when something is terrible, we'll watch anyway? TV Lemmings.
Amy- Yet another reason for me to move to Australia.
Alexis- I might have to add that to my Blockbuster queu. I've heard good things. Let me get through The Wire first.
Funnygal- I think you're right- it's getting later and later, even though the promos started months ago. Kind of like Christmas- it feels like it's already happened a dozen times before the 25th arrives.
Sam- So is Family Matters. Crap.
Haute- I don't have HBO, so no Entourage- I'll consider it just because of Piven, though. And you're right- we are getting old. I realized it one day when a high schooler called me "Sir." I immediately slapped him across the face with gale force winds. Oh, and try getting a DVR so you can watch everything you want, and pause it, too. It'll change your life. If you can't afford it, work the streets. It's worth the loss of dignity to rewind TV.
RainbowBright- "Life" is a show? I thought it was a cereal? And a damn good one, too, even though it gets prematurely soaked like a 13-year-old boy's boxers during his first makeout session.
MT- Agreed... I wouldn't mind it if The Office was added to Nick at Nite, though.

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