To discuss a letter to Fall Television Season

Dear Fall Television Season:

You owe me this month. Like any television viewer, I have an attention span that makes a goldfish seem like Rainman. But I have not forgotten how you screwed me last fall.

Sure, it was for legitimate reasons—you wanted to better compensate writers—but after months of re-runs and Howie Mandel’s dramatic game show pauses and My Sweet 16, I wanted you to offer that refreshing breath into my viewing lungs, as ill-fitting and nonsensical as that metaphor seems.

This year, you’re strike free and back in action. You better deliver. It’s been so long since some of my favorite shows have been on, I’ve been keeping an eye on Nick at Nite in case they are already put in syndication between Home Improvement and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (btw, TV- how are those shows already on that station? Those shows only went off air in the past decade. What’s next, Sex and the City and The Sopranos?)
Here’s your job this autumn, FTS. I need to be reminded why I love The Office, which wasn’t quite as good last year. FTS, will Jim still propose to Pam? Will Dwight and Angela get back together, creating the worst day in Andy Bernard’s life since he got stuck drifting away in that sumo suit?

I could care less about most other NBC premieres, save for 30 Rock and Heroes. They’d probably get more viewers just showing re-runs of their old Must See TV line-up of Mad About You, Friends, Seinfeld and the fourth show that always sucked (Will and Grace, Third Rock from the Sun, Barney and Friends). That line-up used to be the shiznit. I totally underappreciated Helen Hunt back then, perhaps because I was 12. Now, she’s in my top three most attractive actresses-over-40 club, along with Marisa Tomei and your mom.*

And my CBS favorites will be back next week, FTS. Make sure they are kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic. I do have lingering questions, too. Will Big Bang Theory be as delightfully geeky, including as much on-screen time of Sheldon and Penny together as possible?

On How I Met Your Mother, will Ted propose to Stella, and will Barney come up with new levels of awesomeness that will be legend… wait for it…** Can you sneak one past CBS executives, FTS, and bring back The Class? These questions need answered.

On FOX, there’s the always excellent House— will Wilson ever forgive House after his girlfriend died in that accident? —­­ and there’s…um…Hole in the Wall? Are you bloody kidding me, FTS? Who green lighted this piece of crap? The entire show is based on people contorting their bodies to pass through Holes in a Freaking Wall. FOX is now one desperate step away from live telecasts of executions. And don’t think for one second people won’t watch that, either. Half of my readers just got giddy at the thought.

FTS, if ABC has anything good on beside Grey's Anatomy, let me know. I gave up on them after Step by Step went off the air. Dancing With the Stars just doesn’t do it for me anymore, although I may tune in to see Kim Kardashian fall on her butt and bounce back up like it’s rubber. I know some people love Lost, but I missed the first season and I just don’t feel like catching up, FTS, just like I missed that whole Harry Potter thing I keep hearing about. I mean, I’m just catching on to Goosebumps.***

FTS, I’m so glad you’re back, but you’ve got a lot of ground to make up. If this season doesn’t live up to my unreasonable expectations, I’ll go back to watching Seinfeld re-runs.**** And that’s a show about nothing, FTS. There’s also the chance I’ll actually get a life and be out with people, possibly even a woman, and won’t need your services…

Oh, don’t get jealous. You know I love you like Paris Hilton loves night vision cameras.

Love ya,

Andy

* Oh, I went there, yo..

** -Dary.

*** Just kidding. I read all those books. That, and Matt Christopher. “Catcher with a Glass Arm” was The Truth.

**** Other excellent options beyond re-runs, only on cable: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on FX, To Catch a Thief on Discovery (people allow ex-burglars to break into their home, while they watch on closed-circuit TV. It’s awesome) and America’s Next Top Possibility to Have Her Modeling Career Spectacularly Flame Out in Department Store Catalog Desperation, on the CW.

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