To discuss a movie review: Don't see "Quarantine" if you value all things holy and good

Coming to theaters this Halloween season:
A movie that will make you completely uncomfortable, wish you had your mommy, make you wish you were next to a toilet and make you question if your dog is going to murder you.

"Quarantine." Rated R.

Friends, if there's ever a time I need you to trust me, it's now. Quarantine is the murderer of restless sleep and of relaxed stomachs. If you see it, you may never be the same again.

Capricorn and I wanted to celebrate our faux holiday, Fall Fest 2008, a night early, so we went to see a scary movie. Makes sense, right? Halloween + scary movie= good times. Sweet fancy Moses we were wrong. It was the first time I've ever apologized to a girl on the way out for making her watch a movie I chose.

Let me make this clear: Quarantine is not a poorly executed movie. It might just be the worst movie and the best movie I've ever seen in the horror genre. I love zombie-type movies, too. 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, even Shawn of the Dead. This movie is freakier than all of them, but not necessarily in a good way.
As Capricorn eloquently put it, Quarantine is "Excruciating."

There are spoilers in here, mostly because I am telling you not to see this movie, so spoilers shouldn't be an issue. If they are an issue, that means you are going against my advice, and in that case, say hey to Satan for me, because that's where your soul is headed after watching Quarantine.

The official description, off of Sony: On March 11 2008, the government sealed off an apartment complex in Los Angeles. The residents were never seen again. No details. No witnesses. No evidence. Until now.

Andy's official description:
Quarantine starts off like most scary movies- you get to know the main characters in a normal environment. In this case, a TV reporter and her camera guy (who is mostly only heard and not seen the entire movie- he does do a good job of acting in that limited capacity, however) are doing a profile of a city fire department.

They shoot the whole movie documentary style. Now, I've had no problem with that before, despite the shaky camera movement-- I saw it with "The Blair Witch Project" and was fine. This time, for whatever reason, it left me feeling nauseated the entire time, to the point where I had to look at stationary objects offscreen just to regain composure.
They do an excellent job of making the filming of the documentary part of the plot, I'll give them that.

Back to the plot- Eventually, the main dudes go on a call to an apartment building, where an old woman has been screaming and acting all Linda Blair. As they try to help her, she freaking bites a cop in the neck. A few minutes later, as the tenants gather downstairs, one of the firefighters who remained upstairs to help the woman seemingly throws himself down three flights of stairs, where we see that the old lady chewed half his leg off and gashed his neck.
This marked the last time Capricorn and I felt comfortable at all. I can handle blood and gore-- "Hostel" was a decent movie, for instance, and that was all kinds of nasty-- but this takes it to a different, queasy level.

Everyone wants to get out of the building, but emergency crews and eventually the Center for Disease Control block off all exits to the building and have snipers covering all the windows. It's then that the people quarantined (hence the title) inside start freaking out.
After a few scary trips to investigate other apartments in the building, where a few more sick residents are found and effing murdered, the CDC comes in to investigate what disease is afflicting people. Now, a vet in the building already believes it's some strange form of rabies (If only Michael on The Office had been successful in his Race to Prevent Rabies).

Turns out, the vet is right. Too right. The almost dead firefighter attacks a CDC dude, and it's FREAKING ON.
Within a minute, it goes from "Hey, this movie is making me feel nauseous, uneasy and frightened, but I think I can handle it," to "OH SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN WHEN WILL IT END! IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN YOUR EYES!"

Soon, everyone is biting each other. A rabid dog attacks one resident in the elevator, as you hear him scream for God's mercy as the dog rips off his skin, while the doors close. A core group of people escape, but even they are screwed, as a few of them had been bitten and soon try to munch on flesh in the most disgusting ways imaginable. I wish I had the words to describe how disturbing it gets. Even a little girl becomes infected (It turns out it was her dog that started this whole thing) and she gives her mom a death hickie.

With only a few characters left- firefighter, TV reporter, TV camera dude- they try to make a run for it. Let's just say it doesn't end well for firefighter.
TV reporter (Who does a nice job emoting this whole movie) and camera dude are forced to murder people left and right just to make it to the attic.
If you're life depends on killing zombies just to get to the dark, desolate attic, let's just say things aren't going well.
Capricorn has, at this point, covered her eyes with her hands, which will remain there until the end of the movie. I haven't breathed in 10 minutes. The duo discover that some crazy dude invented a doomsday virus and they are now in his laboratory, which has rats everywhere. Camera guy's light finally gives out, making him go with night vision on the camera (effectively used in 28 Weeks Later, also). TV girl can't see a thing, which is just as well, because a crazy baby pops out of nowhere before vanishing, and then crazy dude lurches in, eventually hears and slaughters camera guy, leaving TV girl all alone.
And let's just say that doesn't end well for her either.

Ex-cru-ti-at-ing.

That last half hour was the most intense, horrifying, unpalatable, disgusting, ghastly a sequence as I've ever seen in a movie. That's not to say it was the best concept ever for a scary movie, or the most well-executed scary movie ever. But there was something about Quarantine that had me completely incapacitated to have rationale thoughts. I think what truly made it horrifying is that it is not that insane to think that a virus could spread quickly that would make people do terrible things. That's one reason I like movies like "28 Days Later," but in this case, I got what I wished for...real fear.

"Why did we pay money to feel that way?" Capricorn said as we exited. Good question.

Afterward, Capricorn and I sat in her car for a minute trying to calm down. We had to go to Wal-mart just to be among normal things. The cashier, mentioning that she wants to go see "Saw V," said she was even more interested in seeing "Quarantine" now after I described it to her, even though I used phrases like "motion sickness" and "completely uncomfortable." I say, go see "Saw V." It'll be like watching Sesame Street in comparison.

When I got home, I was hoping Bailey wouldn't be infected and try to murder me in my sleep.

The jury is still out on that one.