To discuss a review of Toy Story 3

I finally had a night yesterday with no musical or musical practice. So what did I do?

I did what I had been waiting to do for weeks.

I wrestled a bear in a cage match went to see Toy Story 3.

You have to understand, I grew up with Toy Story, which came out when I was 12. If I had it my way, and Burger King has already promised me that so it's basically a lock, no child under the age of, say, 18 would be allowed to see Toy Story 3, at least until they've seen the first two.

That's like the idiots who listened to Green Day's "American Idiot" and thought "Dude, Green Day is such a great new band." Uh, "Dookie," anyone? "Basketcase?" Nothing?

I had a Woody doll when I was a kid, while my brother had Buzz Lightyear. It's somewhat sad that it took a movie studio to come up with the idea to make toys like that, but man, they are perfect.

Buzz played to our dreams of space adventure, flying and shooting things with lasers. Woody warned us about bioterrorism - "Somebody poisoned the waterhole"- and was never afraid to pick favorites among his staff - "You're my favorite deputy."

So I was understandably filled with glee* when Toy Story 3 came out, and in 3D no less, as movie producers are bound by law to release everything in 3D.

* Not Fox's "Glee." Then I'd be singing and dancing and looking too old to possibly be a high school underclassman.

Thoughts on Toy Story 3 (with some spoilers, but c'mon, it won't ruin anything for you):

• I am now considering writing my name (also Andy, which is another reason I love these movies) on the bottom of my dog's paw, as this evidently is a good method of invoking a sense of loyalty.
• I'm glad they played up the sexual tension between Buzz and Jessie. But I have to admit I'm not sure how toys get down and dirty, as they lack the necessary parts. Is that weird to think about?
• Ken and Barbie scenes were all funny, but I'm worried Barbie might be bulimic.
• Belle (the new gf) and I loved the new body Mr. Potato Head jury rigged for himself.
• Did Toy Story ever address whether Legos can talk? This needs to be known.
• I used to have a brontasaurus much in the style of Rex, so I've always particularly liked him, and am glad he found love, even if Pixar may have assumed he was into female dinosaurs.
• Nice touch: Having Woody use Google maps, which weren't even invented during the time of the first movie.
• Don't you wonder after watching these movies what items in your house talk when you leave? And what do they say? "Andy never uses me anymore," my toaster oven says. "Oh yeah? Well Andy doesn't even know I exist. He sucks!" my vacuum retorts.
• The 3D animation was actually worth the extra cost. It looks crazy good. I wish real life was in 3D. Wait, it is? I can take off these silly glasses now? But I thought James Cameron invented 3D!?!
• Fun story- I once shook hands with John Ratzenberger, who voices Hamm. He was in a parade in his Connecticut hometown a few years ago.
• Which is your favorite of the three movies? I will probably always love the original the most out of respect, but this one at least had all the charm plus some nice new twists. That moment when all the toys grab hands/paws awaiting their doom, well that's just touching.
• Speaking of that, I didn't cry, but I did get a little misty eyed in the final scene as the toys get played with one last time. Then I thought of my childhood toys. I owned a My Little Pony and a Cabbage Patch Kid (and a GI Joe, but it's too late to help my case)... maybe it's good I didn't hold onto those.

To discuss watching the first three Harry Potter films

It has begun!

No, not Mortal Kombat. That was 1995. Man, Mortal Kombat used to be the cat's meow. I digress.

I started watching my first Harry Potter movies on Saturday as part of Harry Potter Fest 2010 with Capricorn.

I sorcerered my stone, I chambered my secrets and I emprisoned my azkaban.*

* Now say those again and add "with your mom" at the end.

I did end up enjoying all three movies - I had never avoided watching them because I thought they would suck, I just had missed the trend early and decided not to catch up.

Nothing so far has convinced me these wizards are better than the one in Disney's "Sword in the Stone."* But I had a generally good time watching them, and I'll get the other ones done soon.

* Thanks to Smeave for pointing out it's not called "Sorcerer and the Stone," a mash-up of Disney and Harry Potter titles.

Here are my thoughts so far. Um, don't read if you don't want spoilers. But seeing as I'm one of the few who haven't seen these, I doubt that:

Sorcerer's Stone:

• The beginning of the movie felt like a Roald Dahl book. I was expecting a giant peach to pick up Harry.
• Once Sister Mary Clarence gets a hold of these wizards and gets them to sing, I think Minerva McGonagall will relax a little bit.
• Emma Watson's hair is an unofficial character in this movie. It looks like it's been teased to within an inch of its life.
• Capricorn has a celebrity crush on Alan Rickman (her other slightly odd crush is here). I ceased to exist when Snape came onscreen.
• Chicks dig scars. But do they dig lightning bolt scars? Should I get one?
• The insurance rates at this school must be outrageous
• Did anyone else think of the dinner scene in "Hook" when Robin Williams/Peter Pan learns to believe again when they saw the big dining hall at Hogwarts? No one? Rufio? No? Just me?
• There are more black hockey players in the NHL than black wizards.
• Speaking of which, Draco Malfoy sounds like a member of the Iceland team from Mighty Ducks 2.

Chamber of Secrets

• Having seen "Lord of the Rings" first, Dobby seems like someone Gollum would have beat up in elementary school. And why do little creatures have personal pronoun problems? Don't they teach them that in school?
• When will Willy Wonka send Harry's cousin Dudley down a chocolate river?
• The plot - Slytherin heir wants to eliminate all non-pure blood wizards - sounds kind of like a wizard holocaust. And by kind of, I mean "exactly."
• Hermione's hair looks slightly better.
• Moaning Myrtle needs to get laid.
• I found myself wanting a phoenix, but then worrying that would require another pet deposit from my landlord.
• Took me a bit, but I remembered the guy who plays Lucius (Jason Isaacs) was the bad guy in "The Patriot."
• Basilisk sounds like someone pronouncing an herb with a lisp.

Prisoner of Azkaban

• Maybe we don't have an obesity problem in America. Maybe wizards are just pissy and inflating people.
• Hermione's hair is the best so far. She's also turning into a young woman. My Harry Potter loving-friend Cadence said Hermione starts getting hot by the next movie. I had wondered when it would be socially acceptable to say so.
• My brother called this the "puberty movie" while listening to Ron squeak.
• Some people call soul-sucking, remorseless, ghoulish things Dementors. I just call them BP executives.
• I don't know what happens with Ron and Harry duking it out for Hermione's affection, but we're headed down that way. Right?
• Scoring points in Quidditch seems kind of silly if someone always seems to get the golden snitch and end the game. Maybe the snitch should explode on contact so a seeker only wins once. Ever.
• Am I the only one who would use the Invisibility Cloak to go into the girl's locker room?
• That Marauder Map would be nice if you were at a mall, not only to track your friends whereabouts, but also to see if any ex's or others you have a disdain for are lurking in a store. Maybe Verizon can make this happen.
• Somehow, I expected Kristen Stewart to break up the werewolf fight with one of her patented biting-bottom-lip moves. It never happened.
• I've never seen anyone get knocked out and then wake up in a hospital bed as much as Harry Potter in these three movies.

So did I get the highlights? Is there something you remember?

P.S. Unrelated note: I have a feeling a fitness-related As Seen on TV Week may find its way on this blog sometime this summer. Could be legendary.

To discuss succumbing to movie franchise peer pressure

True story:

I have never seen any Harry Potter movie (or read the books, but let's not pretend any of us read books regularly).

This matter has come up the past two weekends, first when I was admonished by my friend Cadence, and then again this past weekend by Capricorn.

It should be noted Capricorn has never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies, but she said those look dorky, so that ended that. But Capricorn has decided it's time to fix my "problem" by making me watch all the Harry Potter movies in a marathon one upcoming Saturday.

As she put it:

"They made a freakin' theme park for Harry Potter!"

I know precious little about Harry Potter. There's magic involved. Alan Rickman is in there somewhere. I think the scary looking troll-like guy from "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" is in them. There are hogwarts involved, but evidently it's not sexually contagious. Harry Potter is still allowed to be in high school even if he's 32. Guys want to have sex with that Emma girl but pretended they didn't until she was legal.

I suppose it's only fair I watch them. I do try to keep up on pop culture for the blog, even if it's not up my alley.* But just because everyone else has seen them doesn't mean I have to watch them. I might even enjoy them, but that's beside the point.

* That's why I watched Twilight. Yep. That's the reason. Won't even try to say that's the reason I watched Jennifer's Body recently - that was for Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried. Both let me down. The most entertaining part of that movie was watching Adam Brody's insatiable appetite for guyliner.

I do think everyone has that certain movie franchise they have never seen and at this point are actively trying not to see. I've got a few, from Harry Potter to any Shrek past the first one. I wish I could say the same about the "Austin Powers" movies ... sadly, I can't.

Please tell me you have one, too, so I don't feel alone in this - vote in the poll on the right side. Capricorn, for instance, hasn't seen any of the first three "Die Hard" movies. Perhaps you've never seen any "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies ... or any "Muppet" movie.

P.S. If you tell me you haven't seen a "Muppet" movie I will hold a gun to your head and force feed Fozzie to you. You need to watch the Muppets not only visiting Manhattan, but TAKING THAT BITCH. Also, there are catchy songs and you will cry during the wedding. Kthanks.

To discuss movie reviews: Up in the Air and The House Bunny. That's right.

I'd like to apologize to the employees of two local Blockbuster stores that recently closed.

The blood is all over my hands.

No, I didn't murder them all, because that's something I would only do to employees of Abercrombie & Fitch stores, with their trendy outfits and judgment and whatnot.

But I do consider myself somewhat culpable for the closure of the Blockbuster stores.

Exhibit A for the prosecution: Those $1 rent-a-movie Blockbuster kiosks outside gas stations. I used one for the first time, and while they were sadly lacking in such cult classics as "Heavyweights" (Ben Stiller's best role, ever), they did have the Oscar-nominated "Up in the Air," or more lately known as "Oscar Cannon Fodder for Hurt Locker and Precious."

Exhibit B for the prosecution: Video on demand through the bane of my existence cable company. Movies are available right away, either through their own offerings or through Amazon. On Sunday, Capricorn and I made a random choice, "House Bunny," starring Anna Faris' abs, Emma Stone's raspy voice and Hugh Hefner's infertility.

There's no need to go to an actual store anymore. If only they could figure out how to do this for gasoline, I'd really cut down on trips.

So we watched these two movies on back-to-back nights. Thoughts (with spoilers, but c'mon):

Up in the Air: I've made it a point to see as many of the Oscar-nominated movies this year as I can. Most recently, we saw "Precious," which had amazing performances and a crazy amount of incest references, in that order.

This weekend, I finally got to see "Up in the Air," starring George Clooney, the girl from "Twilight" and the lady who's name I can't pronounce. The movie had bonus points for a Zach Galifianakis appearance, Vera strutting in only a tie, Anna Kendrick's pony tail that had so much power I wanted to call it a stallion tail, and the effortless charm of Clooney. The last point can't be said enough. True story: All guys are a tiny bit gay for George Clooney.

Overall, the central theme of trying to find meaning in a life where there's no sense of home was terrific, especially for hobos and bin Laden, but what the movie lacked was more suggestions on how to cut down on hassle at the airport. Clooney's character, Ryan, tells Anna's character to always follow Asians through the metal detectors because they know how to travel efficiently. See, that's gold. But where was the advice on how to not get the seat next to a Chatty Kathy, or get free seat upgrades, or join the Half-Mile High Club for those afraid of both heights and commitment? Maybe for "Up in the Air 2"?

House Bunny Did you ever watch a movie and feel bad for some of the actors? I sent flowers and a condolences card to Anna Faris by the third scene. Now, I love her if only because of the vastly underrated "Just Friends." After watching this movie, though ... "Just Friends" is great, isn't it?

Capricorn compared "The House Bunny" to "White Chicks," a movie that's not well done but it makes her laugh. I agree. There are parts of House Bunny that are really funny, in the sense that a specific joke worked and not because the script or plot worked. Those parts do not include the time Katherine McPhee squeegees her pregnant stomach.

Actually, the entire plot is ridiculous and I won't even get into the fact the lowly, down-and-out sorority girls somehow have enough money and connections to buy all new clothes, renovate their house and throw a lavish party featuring a jello-filled volcano. Or the fact American Idol McPhee is inexplicably pregnant the entire movie, even though she is supposed to be afraid of boys, and that the pregnancy is supposed to make her ostracized. Or that she holds up her baby at the end like she's Moses holding up the Ten Commandments. Or the fact one of the Cheetah Girls is in it. Or the fact one of the girls runs around like a monkey and talks like an East German shot put thrower. Or the fact that Hugh Hefner can't act. Or the fact Rumer Willis' character has a Forrest Gump-like moment when she breaks free from her back brace... in a movie also featuring Tom Hanks' son, Colin. Or the fact Colin Hanks is in it.

Actually, the much bigger question Capricorn and I ask: Did Tom Hanks watch this? And what did he say to his son afterward?

"You know, you could always try accounting ..."

To discuss Golden Globes commentary, 2010

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association had its annual awards Sunday night, despite no one yet coming forth with a reason why foreign press are giving awards to Hollywood. I covered the Golden Globe awards in 2009, back when Kate Winslet was winning everything and forgetting Angelina Jolie's name.

Here are my observations from a night of watching the 2010 Golden Globe awards with Capricorn. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners (at bottom):

• Billy Butler is the homeless man's Ryan Seacrest, only the homeless man is also a talentless hack.
  
• A lavish award show seems kind of silly when you think about what's going on in Haiti, even though I'm sure we'll spend tonight hearing endless acceptance speeches about how it's an honor to win, but let's think about Haiti. Katrina was so five years ago. It's not like some of those people are still homeless or destitute or something.
  
• Already like Ricky Gervais ... except he stole all my jokes for the night. At least he didn't steal my Angelina Jol... ah, c'mon!
• I'll already say this: All the Glee nominees are going to annoy me, especially Lea Michele. As Toni Collette wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, I'm glad to see producers still haven't figured out how to arrange the tables so that winners have to play Frogger to get to the front.
  
• How can I get the job of walking the actresses up the steps to the stage? You spend the entire night holding the arm of beautiful women and getting on TV. Not a fun job: Mavis Spencer's presenter role, which evidently including standing around and looking clueless. The last time I saw a beautiful women look that unprepared and awkward stage, she was talking about "opposite marriage."
  
• The Princess and the Frog's animation looks like VHS in a Blu-ray world.
  
• Felicity Huffman can't remember her lines. At least she's not a professional actress.
  
• Time for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Michael C. Hall has a beanie. Jon Hamm has a beard. Bill Paxton has three wives. Hall wins, and the beanie is because he has Hodgkin's lymphoma. What's Hamm's beard excuse?
• January Jones wasn't nominated for her stint as an SNL host? But it went so well! "Who watches this #%&?" Capricorn wonders, as Anna Paquin is passed over for Juliana Margulies. Capricorn, now bitter that nobody we like is winning, has an idea. "We should have our own awards show. Only shows we watch are included. We don't get Showtime so none of them are nominated." According to this method, Jersey Shore and House Hunters would win a boatload.
  
• WTF, Harrison Ford? Heavy breathing. Awkward pacing. Weird glances. Bad jokes. Capricorn: "I feel like I'm going to get raped."
• "That was my beautiful girlfriend that I aspire to be like," Capricorn said after seeing a glimpse of Kate Winslet. Um, I think I just got dumped.
  
• It's to the point that Cher looks like a drag queen playing Cher.
• I imagine during commercial breaks there are all these famous actresses, like Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren, vying for a bathroom stall, and some random girl who snuck in, like Tara Reid, is hogging the toilet and trying not to get kicked out.
• Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy, as Capricorn points out Sharon Stone, who said Meryl looks like "an unmade bed," wasn't winning any Golden Globes lately. Of course, Meryl's acceptance speech is three times as long as the Up guys, but you don't hear them bust out the "stop talking" music on her. I think that's against the unwritten rules.
  
• Side note: Capricorn has been singing "Cinema Italiano" from "Nine" over and over this entire time.
• Gerard Butler: "It's an honor for us to present this award together." Jennifer Aniston: "*pause*... Yep, it is." If that wasn't a one-night stand gone wrong awkwardness, I don't know what is ... District 9, which I loved, doesn't win Best Screenplay; Up in the Air wins. Capricorn says we better watch all of these random movies before the Oscars, as she remembers we were making fun of "Slumdog Millionaire" last year when it won. Good point. We better watch "The Ugly Truth."
  
• Steve Carell never wins for "The Office," even though he's nominated every year. Maybe that's why every time they call his name, he looks like he's going to cry.
  
• Cutting short the foreign language film director winner- that's ethnic intimidation, Golden Globe people.
  
• Big Love loses to Mad Men for best TV Series Drama. When will America start to embrace polygamy? ... Wait, they just did! Chloë Sevigny wins for Best Supporting Actress... I mean Chloi Sevigny, according to the graphic. Did she become a Japanese fish and not tell anyone? Or wasn't she satisfied with her umlaut?
  
• Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B DeMille Award for his cameo appearance in Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, and for his movies. He thanks everyone for spending time and money "to preserve film." Was there some mass conspiracy to eliminate all movies that I missed? "Hey, it's the original copy of Wizard of Oz. Let's use it as a Frisbee."
• I was under the mistaken impression "The Hurt Locker" was about the time Slater punched a locker after he heard Preppy asked out Kelly to the prom first.
  
• I haven't seen "Avatar." I have no idea what it's about, except that the visuals are amazing and the storyline is mediocre. Which is the same thing you can say about porn. But, hey, James Cameron, good for you. Now you can afford a haircut and stop looking like the after-dinner entertainment for a luau.
  
• Glee beats out Capricorn's and my preference for Best Comedy, Modern Family (I would have been cool with Entourage, 30 Rock or The Office, too). Well, at least I won't have to endure #gleegotrobbed as a trending topic on Twitter all day Monday.
• Not going to be nominated next year: "When In Rome." Sorry, Kristen Bell.
• I hope Mike Tyson punches James Cameron in the face sometime tonight. Who wouldn't watch that? I'm very glad The Hangover won, but I think it's disgraceful they didn't invite the tiger on stage to accept the award.
  
• I think they should choose category winners by who will give good acceptance speeches. So, Sandra Bullock/Robert Downey Jr., yes, James Cameron/Drew Barrymore, no. Drunk Mickey Rourke gets a lifetime pass.
• Avatar wins the top honor of the night, as it should, considering it made enough money to save Haiti all on its own. (Hey, James Cameron wore a ribbon. Let's not go overboard with this charity stuff.) So nice of him to ask famous actors to applaud for themselves for entertaining people. Hey, with that in mind, how about all you bloggers give yourselves a big round of applause for entertaining each other. But don't actually applaud. Cause that's weird.
  

For your reference, here's the list of the 2010 Golden Globe winners:

Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Mo'Nique, Precious
Best Actress, TV Comedy Series/Miniseries: Toni Collette, United States of Tara
Best Supporting Actor, TV Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Actor, TV Drama: Michael C Hall, Dexter
Best Actress, TV Drama: Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife
Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind", Crazy Heart
Best Original Score: Up
Best Mini-Series/TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance
Best Actress, TV Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore
Best Screenplay: Up In the Air writers
Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Best TV Series Drama: Mad Men
Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloë Sevigny
Best Supporting Actor, Movie: Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorsese
Best Director, Movie: James Cameron
Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical: Glee
Best Comedy/Musical Movie: The Hangover
Best Actress, Movie Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Actor, Movie Comedy: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Best Actor, Movie Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Movie, Drama: Avatar

To discuss a year in review, with the top music, TV and movies... and the worst

Everyone and their mother, as well as their step-mother, baby mama, and their sugar mama, has been making lists to celebrate the demise of 2009.

Some even more adventurous people have been doing best of the decade stuff, which I think are a tad ridiculous. I was in high school a decade ago. My tastes in everything - my taste in girls- were all different. I had freaking braces a decade ago. How could I possibly evaluate what was good at the start of the decade, when I was basically a different person? And how can you compare, say, the hottest women of the decade - some of them were in middle school at the beginning of the decade. I guess you could rank middle school girls now to get a head start on 2020, while I'll get a head start on 2035 by ranking fetuses.

What I can do is look back at 2009, using my ever-handy Month in Reviews (minus May, which I skipped), and show you my list of the best music, TV and movies I experienced. Some of these were made before 2009, but I heard/watched them now, so I figure that counts. I mean, who has the time to check out all the new movies the same year they are released? Out of the top 10 grossing movies this year, I haven't seen any of them (nor will I for some, as there's no good reason to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen unless the "fallen" indicates Megan Fox's shirt, and even then, she'd still be talking, so what's the point?).

At the bottom, you'll find some of the worst stuff that came out in 2009. I was hard-pressed to think of bad movies, as I tend not to pay to watch crappy new movies, as I tend not to be rich.

What do you think of my selections? Can you offer some suggestions? Do not try to disagree about my inclusion of "Jersey Shore," or we'll have a Situation.

Best Music:
December: "Forever" Drake; "Shake It Out" Manchester Orchestra (Ed. note: Not included: Christmas Shoes.)
November: "In Case of Rapture" As Tall As Lions
October: "Wishing Well" Airborne Toxic Event
September: "Make Her Say" Kid Cudi (Ed. note: Yeah, everybody did a remix of "Poker Face," but this was among the better ones. Even if Kanye was on it.)
August: "Ignorance" Paramore
July: "Old White Lincoln" Gaslight Anthem
June: "Panic Switch" Silversun Pickups
April: "Zero" Yeah Yeah Yeahs
March: "Crack the Shutters" Snow Patrol
February: "Blue Ridge Mountains" Fleet Foxes (Ed. note: Kind of like the Beach Boys for the 2000s)
January: "A Milli," Lil Wayne; "In My Head," Your Vegas

Best TV:
December: Jersey Shore; Teen Mom (Ed. note: Jersey Shore is all the things we love about Real World, without the thinly veiled promise of emotional depth. Snookie gets punched in the face! The Situation has too many girls trying to get in his hot tub! J-Woww saw Pauly D's little Italian! Ronnie is an obvious HGH user! ... Teen Mom, on the other hand, is the best of True Life and one of the most accurate portrayals of lower middle class/working poor teen life I've seen. Plus, I love Gary, who most recently got slapped in the face by Amber. Love you, Gar!)
November: Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Ed. note: Bravo's best reality show)
October: Curb Your Enthusiasm; It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Ed. note: Charlie: "I'm a full on rapist." Disturbed date: "You mean a philanthropist?")
September: Community
August: Hard Knocks (Ed. note: This year, it focused on the Cincinatti Bengals ... who went on this NFL season to win their division while also suffering the death of teammate Chris Henry)
July: So You Think You Can Dance
June: True Blood; 16 and Pregnant
April: Eastbound and Down (Ed. note: I'm Kenny F*$@%@$ Powers)
March: Make Me a Supermodel; Big Love (Ed. note: MMS is everything Top Model wants to be, plus it actually uses the catwalk every episode; Big Love is one of the best written shows around)
February: American Idol
January: Property Virgins (Ed. note: I'd say this is a guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty for watching. I feel wonderful. That, and Sandra has such nicely-tailored outfits. I feel I should reward her by watching.)

Best Movie:
December: It's Complicated; Julie and Julia (Ed. note: My whole family went to see It's Complicated, and we all liked it. John Krasinski has a funny line every time he speaks, and who doesn't like Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin?)
November: Australia; The Goods
October: Zombieland (Ed. note: Humor and zombies and Bill Murray and Twinkies. There isn't a downside.)
September: I Love You, Man; Adventureland
August: Eagle Eye
July: The Proposal (Ed. note: Much better than it needed to be. Ryan Reynolds is the most underrated actor in Hollywood. Right? Well, he and Mark Paul Gosselaar.)
June: Star Trek
April: The Reader
March: Fast and Furious (Ed. note: I was 18 when the first Fast and Furious came out. And I still love it. That means either the movies have matured as I've grown older, or I haven't matured as more movies came out. Let's be real and go with B.)
February: Pineapple Express; He's Just Not That Into You
January: The Wrestler (Ed. note: Just watched it again on HBO. Marisa Tomei is incredibly naked the entire movie. And yet, Mickey Rourke is the most mesmerizing thing on screen. How is that possible?)

Among the worst:
TV:
NYC Prep, Bravo
This had all the worst qualities of Bravo reality shows, namely "Real Housewives," all rolled into one. Pretentious, snobby kids. Drama over non-events. Greediness. Shallowness. Bad hair. Talking about poor people but really meaning middle class people. More bad hair. Names that make you want to gag.

Runner-up: Accidentally on Purpose, CBS

Movie:
Bride Wars
I expect this from Kate Hudson, but Anne Hathaway? She didn't have a better script available? The whole movie made it seem like women will stop at nothing to get the perfect wedding, even at the expense of their best friend. And that women care more about the wedding than the man they are marrying. And that Kate Hudson is desirable.

Music:
"No Surprise" Daughtry
I generally don't hold a grudge when a really bad song is successful, as sometimes people like to play stuff that is so bad, it's good, i.e. "Party in the USA." But "No Surprise" isn't that. It's not a poorly crafted song. It's just mediocre. And it sounds like every Creed knock-off already out there. That's a far worse offense. Let's face it. Chris Daughtry is still moping for losing out to Taylor Hicks, Katherine McLegs and the Amish Guy.
Runner-up:
"Fire Burning" Sean Kingston; "I Gotta Feeling" Black Eyed Peas

To discuss thoughts on "Twilight," the, uh, best movie this side of "Citizen Kane"

Capricorn and I finally did it. Is that:

A) Got engaged, to the delight of our parents who await grandbabies with the most bated of bated breaths.
B) Bludgeoned said babies
C) Watched Twilight

The answer is C.

Basically, we had to see what the mass gnashing of teeth and panties is all about, so we decided to watch the first Twilight. We're fans of True Blood, after all, and Twilight has trendy vampires, so it must be decent. And it's based on a book- book to movie adaptations always go well!

Um...

Here are the positives:
1) Bella's dad is kind of funny and lovable
2) Edward's dad is the dude from "Can't Hardly Wait," so that's 5 bonus points
3) They didn't make Bella super-popular her first day, like some teen movies, as that's totally unrealistic. And even after she got friends, they didn't show her being the center of the group, which, again, is a more likely scenario since she's an outsider coming in.
4) There was some cool music (I appreciated the Radiohead song at the end)
5) Bella doesn't escape a super-strong, super-fast vampire on her own, and instead gets her leg broken. That's plausible. Plus, they developed the Bella/Edward relationship in a more drawn out way, instead of just falling in love right off the bat. Actually, when they first see each other, it looked like Edward was going to vomit. Sure, it was probably from the sunlight, but let's just admit it's because Kristen Stewart is probably a little smelly.

Here are the negatives that I'll pare down in order not to have my house burned to the ground:
1) We understand everybody will broach vampire abilities differently. But there are two basic principles of being a vampire that are kinda necessary: They burn in the sun, and they must be invited into a building. Edward Cullen glows like pixie dust in the sun like the gayest My Little Pony, and these vampires enter any place they want. I'm not cool with that.
2) What was the budget for this movie? Are we in "Blair Witch Project" range*? Some of the camera work must have been done by the crew from "One Night in Paris." And Edward's sun glow was like watching bad 3D effects without the 3D glasses.
3) Edward is a total creeper. Sure, we get it, teen girls. He's got the crazy hair and the enchanting eyes. He also uses those eyes TO STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP. He tells Bella he's snuck into her house to watch her sleep, because "it's beautiful." Capricorn: "What is he talking about? People are not sexy when they sleep."
4) The first 45 minutes was about Bella and Edward staring at each other in a contest to see who could brood the undies off each other. Lot of intense staring. Not a lot of action. In "True Blood," half the cast was naked by now.
5) The evil vampire has a pony tail and Spencer Pratt facial hair. I was more scared he was going to turn Bella into a douche than into a cadaver.

* Is that too dated a reference for teens reading this? Um, how about, Are we in "Paranormal Activity" range?"

So, are we out of line? I'd still watch the sequel, as I've heard there's more action in it, plus werewolves. And it doesn't hurt that Alice is on the cover of Maxim this month. But we're not sure what all the hysteria is about. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was better, wasn't it? Twilight is a decent movie, but if that's the kind of thing that makes people fanatical, well, I'm worried. Of course, I got fanatical about Ace of Base, so ...

Thanks to my sister for finding that Twilight Moms poster.

To discuss hosting Christmas

In the years since my older sister, younger brother and I have graduated high school and college, we've been spread out, far away from our parents, who live near Pittsburgh.

At various times, one of us has lived in northern New York, eastern Pennsylvania, Maine, Maryland and Connecticut.

So, in recent years, we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at my brother's place, as he's the most centrally located by living in southcentral Pennsylvania. Now that I live in the same area, and yet closer to my sister and our aunt and cousin, it's been decided that Capricorn and I are hosting Christmas.

I've always wanted to host Christmas, perhaps hoping something National Lampoon-ey will happen and I'll get locked in an attic or light a cat on fire. It's all golden. Maybe I'll have Capricorn wear a revealing white blouse and grab my crotch while calling me Sparky.

While I think this will be a great time for Capricorn and I, there are potential pitfalls to hosting a family Christmas, if I am to believe holiday movies (and if I can't believe holiday movies, what am I to believe?). I take my job as Christmas host very seriously, so I thought I'd consider possible outcomes.

I will spend the next two months properly preparing for:

• My brother becoming a pot-smoking hippie and secretly falling for Capricorn, while I fall for Capricorn's (nonexistent) sister who comes in from out-of-town. Capricorn will later star in a successful Sex and the City movie.
  
• Getting shot in the eye by a BB gun, which will hopefully land me on Texts From Last Night: "(717): Shot my eye out with a BB gun. This is exact opposite of a money shot."
  
• Misplacing my town's collective savings, curiously all placed in one envelope despite the proliferation of online banking and debit cards. This will later force me to spend Christmas hallucinating about never existing at all, leading to a Wild ARS Chase-less world. Tyra Banks cries at the thought of no one writing about her show anymore.
• Cooking a Roast Beast, once I figure out where to buy one and if it causes swine flu.
  
• Getting left behind by my family to fend off two hapless burglars who, rather than simply barge in the door and hold me at gunpoint, spend the better part of a magical two hours falling for my childish pranks. This will require me busting out my Micro Machines and a pet tarantula-- Bailey will have to do. I'll cap it off by using my neighbor to get me off the hook, but first I'll send him a Tweet: "@scaryneighbor Totally just busted burglars balls lol. Rescue me with shovel? C u in 5 #holidays #homeinvasion."
• Throwing together an impromptu holiday musical performance for my retired army commander who now happens to run an inn with the lady who was on Sister Act. Capricorn and I will marvel at the lack of snow, unaware they have a whole TV channel dedicated to weather forecasts and an iPhone app for that.
  
• Cooking a Christmas goose two times the size my boy, Tim, after my boss was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Guilt Trip.
  
• Switching homes with Cameron Diaz, only to be forced to be hit on by Jack Black.
  

Am I preparing for enough? What am I missing?

To discuss a month in review: September

Took me longer than expect, but I finally got around to the September Month in Review. The delay might be because September went by quicker than Tara Reid's fame.

From now on, since this blog is more than a year-old (753 in human years), I'll give you a link to the Month in Review from this time last year. Here's September 2008.

Favorite movie: "I Love You, Man." Exactly what you'd expect from it, in a good way. Paul Rudd=Funny. The strange thing is, he was equally good in "Clueless," except the Judd Apatow mafia wasn't famous then, so Rudd only gets appreciated for doing his lovable, goofy shtick now. Speaking of which, is Alicia Silverstone still alive? Someone should call her just to make sure.

Runner-Up: "Adventureland" It was filmed in Pittsburgh's Kennywood Park (anyone from that area knows how sweet that is), and was genuinely funny even though it starred Kristen Stewart. Don't expect a "Knocked Up" or "Superbad" kind of funny, though. It's more of a dark funny.

Least favorite movie: "Sex and the Teenage Mind" Completely random movie I watched, and it could be one of the worst movies of all time. Consider: 1) Although it was shot this decade, I thought the whole time it was filmed in the 1990s because of the outfits and technology used by the characters, such as a corded telephones and big flannel shirts 2) The biggest stars are Winnie from Wonder Years, Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts and Al from Home Improvement. 3) It makes American Pie look like high art. I'm not even being facetious.
This was the only clip I could find. It just about sums it up.

Favorite song: "Make Her Say," Kid Cudi, Kanye West. It makes Lady Gaga sound relatable (and makes "Poker Face" have a whole new meaning). And it makes me forget about Lady Gaga bathing herself in blood on the MTV Video Music Awards, and about Kanye picking on a skinny white girl.

Runner-up: "Wasted," Gucci Mane. I've really been into gangsta rap lately, like I'm 16 again, or Natalie Portman. I listen to Hip Hop Nation on XM Radio all the time, pretending it's perfectly acceptable for me to listen along with a station that A) talks about the hard street life and B) uses the 'n' word in songs like I pepper "dude" into a conversation. I might as well be Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Consider these lyrics from "Wasted":
"Sippin on purple stuff, rolling up stanky/Waking up in the morning 10 a.m. dranking." It's practically Gershwin!

Least favorite song: "Gotta Feeling," Black Eyes Peas. I've gotta feeling they wrote the lyrics on a napkin one night and decided to throw it together into a song.

Best New TV Show (in honor of the fall season): Um, "Community," maybe? It's uneven, but I do love Ken Jeong as the Spanish teacher... I caught one episode of Modern Family and Cougar Town, and both made me laugh.

Worst New TV show: You'd think I'd say "Glee," considering what I wrote recently, but Glee isn't horrible- just not as good as it could be.* No, the worst new TV show is "Accidentally on Purpose", the CBS show starring Jenna "Fading Star" Elfman. I watch it because it's in between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. It's got a shoddy plot (what happens when she has the baby?), two annoying characters in the sister and the best friend, and is trying way too hard.

Best TV show I just discovered: Tie, "Entourage" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Took me long enough to get on board. At this rate, I'll be extolling the virtues of "L.A. Law" next month.

Best moment: Capricorn and I celebrating our one-year anniversary. A year goes by fast when you're with someone who makes the hours fleeting.

Worst moments: There are some things that aren't meant to be blogged, so I'll just say part of September was really rough. If my year was a Zack Braff movie, then part of September was that portion of his movies where he sits on the steps in the rain and stares.

Best decision: Judging by your reactions, probably keeping my sponsorship for my African son. But the real question is, how can I get someone to sponsor me?

Favorite Blog Post by Me: I love guest blogging, so nothing was more fun than giving male insight to Miss Tiff.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Cavy had a very, very bad day. Delightfully, she decided to share it with us so we could laugh and pointcommiserate with her.

Blogger of the Month:I didn't get to do enough blog reading in September. Not nearly enough. So I'll hold off, and hope October gets me back on track. Thanks for coming by Wild ARS, anyway.

* P.S. Yes, I do understand the show isn't supposed to be totally believable. But neither is The Office. The difference is, The Office knows that, and never tries to make you think this is an actual, functioning paper company. Glee doesn't know what kind of show it wants to be-- is the glee club the focus, or is it the school as a whole/is it spoofing high school, or is it emulating high school... I'll give it time to figure itself out. Fair enough?

To discuss a Month in Review: July

July went by so quickly that I almost forgot to do a Month in Review. Before I forget all that happened, here's my rundown.

Favorite movie: "The Proposal" Ryan Reynolds is who I want to be when I grow up. He's like the more advanced version of me, the homo sapien to my homo erectus*. And his abs are pretty. On a non bromance note, there are a surprising number of laugh-out-loud moments (thanks, Betty White) and some nice old-school hip-hop. Yep.

Runner-up: "Stardust" Yeah, I'm surprised, too, but Robert DeNiro makes a great flamboyant gay pirate, and Claire Danes is just so Claire Danes-ee.

Least favorite movie: "The Breakup" I almost forgot Jennifer Aniston walks around naked in this movie. And even that was kind of a letdown, as she's eternally PG-13 naked on magazines, anyway. The big reason this movie is on here? The ending. Won't ruin it, but there's a feeling the director forgot to include the last scene.

Favorite song: "Old White Lincoln" Gaslight Anthem. Think "Friday I'm In Love." Same style. I heart this band in a total Tiger Beat fan club way. Runner-up: "Since We've Been Wrong," Mars Volta, "Winter Song," Sara Barailles (it was on So You Think You Can Dance)

Least favorite song: "No Surprise" Daughtry. The 2000's Creed.

Favorite album: "'59 Sound," Gaslight Anthem. Check out High Lonesome and the title track in particular.

Best TV Show: "So You Think You Can Dance" Everything that's wrong with American Idol is right with SYTYCD. Better judges. More memorable performances. Much better host.

Worst TV show: "Michael Jackson SpectacleMemorial." That was just creepy, like a morbid Grammys. I couldn't stop watching it, and yet, on the other hand, who gave a crap about Michael Jackson in the past 10 years? That's not to undermine his impact, but after listening to all those eulogies, you'd think he saved the world from sin by moonwalking up Calvary. He sang catchy pop music and contribued to the "Free Willy" sountrack. Legend? Sure. Relevant? If it wasn't for his child molestation stuff, would anyone have talked about him this decade?

Best moment: Going to Virginia for a wedding and a trip to Mt. Vernon. There is now photographic proof of the alleged "Tearing Up My Heart" performance, led by the groom and groomsman and the only guy not wearing a suit, me.
Runner-up: My first Fourth of July with Capricorn. Fourth of July is the most romantic of holidays- Christmas has too much happy holidays pressure, New Year's is only about one second, Valentine's Day is a bit forced, and Easter is about my favorite guy dying. Fourth of July, well, that's about America Rock Flag and Eagle. If you're not an "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" fan, please disregard that statement. If you are, then enjoy this:


Worst moments: Getting caught in D.C. traffic, which reminded me of getting caught in Connecticut traffic, which reminded me of being doused in hydrocholoric acid and transportation failure.

Worst decision: Not having a more lucrative career, so I can go on splurges when I visit the biggest mall in all the land.

Favorite Blog Post by Me: Wasn't even on my site. Plus, I think I offered some good social media advice.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Although much more adult-contenty that some might like, I enjoyed Zan's TMI about something that was loss, and then found. It's not the prodigal son, I'll just say that. Hysterical.

Blogger of the Month: In a long overdue award, let me give some praise to Min-D, who, among other things, delved into the hidden meaning of a certain Britney Spears song. I confess it took me a bit to also realize Britney isn't some Cold Case detective searching for a runaway named Amy. Consider this award a belated birthday present, Min-D.

------------------------
* heh.

Coming soon: Review of Maxim and Cosmo.

To discuss a Month in Review: June, and I'm back

I'm back, and bigger* and better** than ever! (* Actually, not bigger. Curse you, Extenze!) (** Actually, not better. Curse you, lack of ability!)

Well, I'm still back. It's been a month since I was last blogging. I most definitely needed June off, as I spent precious few minutes at home in between work and the musical, "Sound of Music." There really was no time for blogging, and, as you may recall, Capricorn told me I was "half-assing it," so I decided it was better to take a break (Not like a Ross and Rachel break... a real break) and then come back full force.

So what have you missed? Here's the Month in Review, which hopefully will get you up to speed so we can get right back into things with all the ferocity of Jon & Kate plus Hate.

Favorite movie: "Star Trek" My mom used to make all of us watch Star Trek: The Next Generation, so I'm a Trekky by association. Capricorn had never watched any of it. But we were both more than pleased with this latest installment, which was, in a hyphenated exaggeration, kick-me-in-the-crotch-fantastic. Runner-up: "Bottleshock" Kind of like Sideways, in that it focuses in wine, except subtract Sandra Oh getting jackhammered and add Alan Rickman being pithy and droll. Oh, and Chris Pine (Star Trek's Kirk) is in this, too.

Least favorite movie: "Summer Catch." MTV showed this for some reason, and, like a car wreck or cleavage at an inappropriate moment, I couldn't keep my eyes off it. Jessica Biel and Freddie Prinze Jr are the bizarro Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. And Biel wasn't even hot in this movie-- not even 7th Heaven hot! Technically, I watched this July 1, but I need to write this now to warn others. Runner up: "Max Payne." I love Mark Wahlberg-- "Hey goat. So you live in a barn? I like that about you. I was in The Italian Job. Say hey to your motha for me."-- but this is just bloody awful.

Favorite song: "Panic Switch" Silversun Pickups, "Best I Ever Had," Drake.

Least favorite song: "Fire Burning" Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston's formula: (Formulaic, limited range chorus) + the phrase "Shorty" + a Jamaican accent x incessant radio spins=Top 40 hit - (Andy's will to live).

Favorite album: "It's Blitz" Yeah Yeah Yeahs. "Zero" and "Heads Will Roll" are stellar.

Best TV Show: "True Blood," HBO. At least, I think it's the best TV show. I was catching up on season 1, and then HBO decided not to offer those episodes anymore and switch to season 2. So, I'm stuck at the fourth episode. So far, it's been lots of vampire sex and strange happenings. Runner-up: "Sixteen and Pregnant," MTV. I can't get enough of these teens getting knocked up! Capricorn and I personally enjoyed the the guy who bought his pregnant girlfriend an engagement ring at Wal-mart for $25, after he had spent $300 on a Playstation. It's the thought that counts. And the ring. But mostly, the thought.

Worst TV show: "Silent Library" MTV. Might be their dumbest show to date, which is saying something. The show is about people playing "Jackass"-style silent games in the library and trying not to make noise. Their next show idea? Sustained silent reading.

Best idea: Signing up for Tweetdeck, which has made tweeting much, much easier. So, please follow me @wildarschase. I'd rather not talk to myself anymore than I already do.

Best moments: Getting back on stage, and, more specifically, hearing that applause every night and acting with some great people. Plus, I had a legitimate reason to sing every day. Runner-up: Capricorn's birthday!

Worst moments: Everyone famous died (except Hugh Hefner, who refuses to die). In particular, Billy Mays died. My "As Seen on TV Week" now seems much more like a tribute.

Worst decision: Having to abandon the blog for a month, although it was necessary.

Favorite Photos: Here's a few Sound of Music photos. I'd love to put up video, but I was reminded that's a big copyright no-no to show footage of a licensed show. If it helps, Capricorn, who had never seen me in a musical, said she was impressed enough that she thinks I should keep doing shows, even if that means not being home a ton. That means a lot. Or it means she wants me out of the house... If I figure out a way to get some singing footage on here, I'll do it.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: I took a break from blog reading too, for the most part, but I do want to give a retro-active nod to one of my longterm blogfriends, Amy XXOO, and the great, albeit surprising, news she received in June. When I first read about it weeks later, I did a Tom & Jerry worthy jaw drop... Please, please let me know if there was any life-changing news in any of your blog posts so I can catch up (or any changes to your web site address). Otherwise, I'll just assume you snorted cocaine/murdered kittens/cut down the rain forest or whatever you usually do.

Blogger of the Month (here's March's winner): No winner for June, since I didn't fully check out blogs, but I have fallen in love with textsfromlastnight.com and fmylife.com. Please enjoy. They are KSFW (kinda safe for work)

Thanks for coming back... you will be rewarded in heaven, or in the post-death afterlife of your choosing.

To discuss a Month in Review: April showers bring... rain. What did you expect?

I wasn't aware April ended until a coworker told me. I figured I'd better do the April Month in Review, then, before May finishes on me, too.

Favorite movie: "The Reader." Capricorn had been wanting to see this since it came out, as she already read the book. I knew absolutely nothing about the movie, going into it, beyond: A) Kate Winslet got lots of award consideration for it; B) Kate Winslet would be naked, again; and C) It had something to do with reading. After seeing it, A) I can see why she got award consideration. She's such a fantastic actress that B) unlike other actresses that frequently get naked, you pay attention to the acting and not the nakedness; and C) It was a nice reminder that not only will illiteracy stifle your social life, it might also get you tossed in prison for war crimes. Let's see that slogan on Reading Rainbow, Levar! Runner up: "Notorious" out of the newer movies I saw; "Braveheart" out of the older.

Least favorite movie: "Stomp the Yard." Meagan Good is in it. And then... uh... well, Meagan Good is in it. I remember that part. And there was a lot of dancing. Runner up: Talledega Nights. I love baby Jesus, but I also love plot development.

Favorite song: "Ride Like the Wind" Christopher Cross. Not my selection. It's Capricorn's. She loves Christopher Cross. Please help me understand.

Least favorite song: "The Climb," Miley Cyrus. Please notify me when she stops being famous.

Favorite album: "Sound of Music" soundtrack. At least it better be. I'll be hearing those songs nonstop for the next two months.

Best TV Show: "Eastbound and Down." One of the raunchiest, dirtiest, unapologetic shows I've seen in a while. This HBO show (produced by Will Ferrell) stars the guy who was the explosives expert on "Tropic Thunder" as a down-and-out ex-ballplayer vying for a comeback. In the meantime, he's teaching middle school gym and trying to bang his high school sweetheart. One of the funniest shows this side of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

Worst TV show: "College Life." MTV, do we really need a show with college freshmen filming themselves? If we wanted voyeurism, aren't we supposed to watch "Real World"?

Best idea: "As Seen on TV Week" was a rousing success. All of you are a little too excited about infomercials.

Best moments: Doing a murder-mystery, and then auditioning for "Sound of Music" and getting the role of Max. I promise to keep you updated.

Worst moments: Taking some of my furlough days (unpaid time off), which had me verging on Little Debbie territory. At one point, Capricorn bought me a Little Debbie cake just so I could say I had one.

Worst decision: Not having my spam filter on when writing about infomercials, which attracted Ed the Spammer. But we got back at Ed, didn't we?

Favorite Blog Entry by Me: Could it be anything else?

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: I found a few new sites this month. I discovered Melbotis, who wrote about his experiences at Chuck E. Cheese. Sample: "And, of course, the kicking and hitting began as Chuck uttered some profanities and retreated to the stage door."... check out this entry at yousuckatcraigslist.com. It'll make you take a vow of celibacy... and, just in time for spring, here's Cadence and her thoughts on the wrong people wearing shorts.

Blogger of the Month (here's March's winner): Some of you have said you're impressed with my 90s knowledge. But just take a look at Children of the 90s. She will blow you away. Just in the time I started reading her blog a few weeks ago, she's written about Bill Nye the Science Guy, Lunchables, and MTV's "Singled Out." I have no idea how she gets so much information on all this stuff. And so, Children of the 90s, you are a most deserving winner of the Wild ARS Blogger of the Month award. As Ug and Budnick might sing, "Children of the 90s, we hold you in our heart, and when we think about you, it makes us..." well, it makes us want to read more.

To discuss a movie review: Fast & Furious Fun

If the original "The Fast and The Furious" was all about street racing, fast women, testosterone and Ja Rule's fleeting acting career...
If "2 Fast 2 Furious" was all about Miami sun, scantily clad women, car chases, and Tyreese's fleeting acting career...
If "Fast and Furious: Toyko Drift" was all about Japanese culture, scantily clad Asian women, drifting and Bow Wow's fleeting acting career...
Then the latest "Fast & Furious" is all about...

A) A return to street racing, fast women, testosterone, and Michelle Rodriguez's fleeting acting career
B) A infusion of Girls Gone Wild-style background actors, armed robbery on the highway, death-defying stunts, and Paul Walker's fleeting acting career
C) The rekindling of American interest in muscle cars, the use of a mediocre drug lord as the villain, the use of a main character's death to spark a storyline, and Jordana Brewster's fleeting acting career.
D) Boobs, cars and Vin Diesel's impressive biceps
E) All of the above

After watching the fourth installment in the "Fast and Furious" franchise, I'm going to have to go with E.

And that's just fine with me.

You see, I saw the first F&F as a high schooler, with my family. We fell in love with the movie as a kind of "sure it's not well-acted or scripted, but that's a sweet car chase!" movie. Since then, it's become somewhat of an inside joke to refer to the movie, as we joked about adding NOS to our cars, boosting cars in parking lots and street racing.

I was glad to see the latest F&F will help us continue the inside jokes for years to come. The new movie has most of the original cast, although Ja Rule is M.I.A., a glaring omission that really had... no impact on the movie whatsoever.

You want Vin Diesel*? He's here, after making a cameo in the "Tokyo Drift" installment. Diesel's Dominic Toretto and his girlfriend, Letty (Michelle "I rack up D.U.I's like you rack up calories" Rodriguez), are back to their old tricks at the start of the movie, hijacking moving trucks on the highway for money in the Dominican Republic.

But (SPOILER ALERT...well, whatever, it's not going to stop you from watching) Toretto realizes he has to get out of town before he gets caught. Soon, he finds out Letty was murdered by some drug runners who hired her to smuggle coke over the Mexican border.

This sets the *cough* plot *cough* in motion. Brian (Paul Walker), who still works for the FBI even though in "2 Fast" he broke about every rule you could as a cop, including banging the enemy, is hunting down the same guy Toretto is looking for, so they eventually join forces. Toretto's sister, Mia (Jordana Brewster), also is around to create some nice sexual tension for Brian.

I'd tell you more about the plot, but that's not why you'd see this movie. You'd see it to:

• Look at the amazing cars, so as to remind you that some people aren't affected by the recession and can drop thousands on upgrading their Mitsubishi.
• Watch an absurdly high number of attractive people all congregate in the same venues, night after night, in a well-orchestrated street racing operation. I worry about getting busted going 10 mph over the speed limit, and yet scores of people can having an underground racing life where they drive as fast as possible every weekend, with few repercussions.
• Watch hot women make out, despite having nothing to do with the plot (Sample F&F producers meeting: "We really need to find a way to breathe life into this franchise... Hey, I got it. Those hot chicks we always have in scenes? Let's have them make out! And, let's have Vin Diesel's love interest not wear a bra, with a shirt more transparent than glass!")
• Revel in unreal car chases... This F&F outdoes itself with some insane stunts, none of which would be physically possible but are still fun to watch.**

For pure entertainment value, it's one of the better F&F installments. Hey, it made $70 million on the opening weekend, and my theater was sold out last Friday, too. You either love these movies, or you hate them. And be prepared to love or hate them more... they are already planning on a fifth one, which will probably be: Fast cars, exotic women, impossible stunts and fill-in-the-blank's fleeting acting career.

* Vin Diesel's cool name always makes me want to change my name to "Andy Gasoline" or "Andy Hybrid Electric," but it doesn't have the same ring.
** It also makes you want to spin out in the parking lot and rev your engine unnecessarily... which I, along with many other guys who saw the movie, did immediately after the movie ended. And yeah, it felt good. Real good.