Monday, October 13, 2008

To discuss a Weekend Update and a myriad of things

So that was a crazy weekend. I'll try to break the Weekend Update down for readability in sections, because it's Monday morning and your attention span is less than David Blaine's credibility.

I drove to western Pa. for the weekend, including my hometown and my college alma mater for homecoming. This included visits with a bunch of old friends, including Huf, my high school best friend, and lots of college friends. I drove a total of 750 miles. I also forgot my suitcase at my house, which left me laptopless for the weekend, hence the lack of updates.
I'll try to put these things out of context to maximize the confusion and your ability to come to your own conclusions.

Things I saw:
* A sex mirror. I went to a yard sale with my parents. In one corner, an old woman admired a large square mirror as the owner, an elderly woman, commented that she believes the mirror was originally located on the bedroom ceiling. Excellent. They also had two packages of Depends adult diapers for sale.

* The transformation of my college since I graduated in '05. For one, it's now a university. For another, the students all look like they are 12, which makes me wonder if I looked like I was 12 at the time (the answer is yes).

* My parents' new kitten, Velcro, so named because she climbs up pant legs. Here's Velcro and Bailey, face to face. Bailey was scared. Velcro fit in the palm of my hand, kind of like Polly Pocket. No, I did not own a Polly Pocket as a boy. I owned a My Little Pony.

* An effin car accident. Capricorn and I were getting pizza Sunday night. As we waited at an intersection to take a left, a car needing to go left in the opposite direction tried to cut in front of an oncoming car. They hit each other Airbag Hard. No injuries. Kind of freaky and frightening. I don't recommend it. I also realized how sick I am, because I told Capricorn it's a shame I didn't have a camera so I could a take a photo to blog about it.

Things I heard:
* The following conversation was overheard in downtown Pittsburgh as I waited for hilarious college friends Rainbow Eclipse, ThinkOutsidethePun and FishonaScooter to arrive at a bar that has a volcano theme, not unlike Dr. Evil's secret layer. The drinks cost One Million Dollars....
Busty drunk girl in the street: These are too big (Grabs chest and bounces her boobs up and down like flesh jelly as two girl friends watch)
Flat girl No. 1: I wish I had those. They are so perfect. Give your boobs to me.
Busty girl: No, I'm going to get rid of them (still holding boobs).
All three girls: (turn heads slowly toward me, as I realize that although I was just walking by them before, I had come to a stop) Can we help you?
Me: Uh... I gotta go (Thinking: Is this really what girls talk about? I always thought it was Grey's Anatomy.)

* "You're name is Adam, right?" asked a college student on Saturday. He was doing the TV announcing for our homecoming game, the same football broadcasting job I did all four years in college. I was going to go on air for a minute or two, now as an alum. Except, just before we go on air, he didn't know my name. Which means I'm getting old. And irrelevant. "No, it's Andy, man. No problem, though. (Of course it's a problem. You should know me. I own you. I'm a trailblazer. I'm the New Kids on the Block to your NSync. But not the New, New Kids. The Old, New Kids.)"

* I went to a bar with Huf, who was given a Ring Pop by a friend we met there. Huf proceeded to suck on the delicious Ring Pop as he and I watched the end of the Rays-Red Sox game... as a group of drunken dudes in the corner pointed and laughed. One of the guys came over and asked Huf if, essentially, the Ring Pop was practice for me later. Touché. Lesson learned: Don't lick a cherry ring in a bar, no matter how delectable.

* At the Volcano bar place- we saw a dead ringer for Heath Ledger (The pun is fully and unabashedly intended). He had black arm socks on and was dancing by himself to songs like Amy Winehouse's "You Know I'm No Good." I cannot make this stuff up.

Things I considered:
* Crashing the wedding reception of a former college classmate who I held hands with once. Vote: No.

* Trading in Bailey for Velcro. Vote: No.

* Becoming a professional fantasy football player. I'm 6-0, baby. Still, Vote: No.

* Counting all the additional college people I know who have since gotten married/had babies since graduated. My classmate/single girl (space) friend N and I lost count. We decided to come back to Homecoming in 5 years with spouses and children. Even if we have to pay them. I will sire somebody and they will like it. Vote: Yes.

* Bragging about two amazing aspects of my weekend drive... which I'm going to do visually. That's right. It's fall foliage, and gas under $3. Vote: Yes.

Things I am glad that happened in hindsight:
* I brought home all my laundry so as to avoid using quarters. In the course of washing a load, my mom shrunk my favorite zip-up sweater. Like, Lollipop Guild shrunken. But, because she felt terrible (even though I wasn't mad), she bought me two new sweaters. Next time, I'll tell her to wash my car.

Things I smelled (smelt? sniffed? snorted a line of?):
* My new cologne by Dolce & Gabbana, a gift from Capricorn. It's a good man scent and does not remind me of anyone's father or grandfather- that's a key trait. You definitely don't want your woman thinking of her dad when she's kissing you, unless your Hugh Hefner and that might mean she's mentally knocking a few decades off your age, and in that case go for it.
It also means I won't have to use Axe, which is good because I was getting tired of women ravishing me in convenience stores and malls because of the olfactory sensation.


Amy xxoo said...

Following in your footsteps:
* A used sex mirror - No
*Kittens, however cute you may think them - No
*Talking about your friends boobs outside of the womens bathroom - No
* Inside the confines of the womens bathroom - Yes
* Ring pops - always a Yes ( works kind of different if its a woman sucking it.... )
* Loving your weekend - a big Yes

kk said...

whew! what a weekend!

glad you survived.

you think college kids look young? new drivers are barely out of diapers!

Sophia said...

awww Velcro!! that was enough cuteness for the whole week! and why do college campuses keep changing so much...it's like they're all trying to keep up with each other.
great monday morning post!

~Sheila~ said...

1. Never had a sex mirror (unless you count the one on my dresser)
2. You graduated in '05? I bet you still look like a 12 yr old.
3. My best friend has a kitten named mischief...the name says it all.
4. Lots of girls talk about their boob (at least those who don't care about what they talk about in public...


5. I actually have a ring pop in my purse and I'm waiting for the right time to break it out and get what I want.
6. Things you smelt on the way home....your dirty laundry.

Miss Tiff said...

Sounds like a interesting weekend!

1.) That kitten is oh so cute! You should have kidnapped her and brought her back with you.. I'm sure Bailey would adjust.
2.) Glad to hear you never owned a polly pocket but you did own a my little pony.
3.) Sucking on a ring pop at a bar is never really a good idea for a guy.

Finger Talks said...

wow that was a massive weekend! two notes
one: be proud of the ring pop, own it.
two: velcro = mind bendingly cute!

SouthernBelle said...

New drivers are TINY!!! Especially since they all drive giant trucks/SUVs.

Not as tiny & adorable as Velcro though. My old cat in Australia climbed up legs when he was a kitten. It's okay if you have jeans on, but bare legs, not so much.

Brandon Szuminsky said...

I'm so happy to be referred to solely by my blogger handle. I feel like I'm in the movie Hackers. It feels good.

Anonymous said...

Three things:

1. Please send Velcro Kitten.

2. I love that your forgot your entire suitcase, yet the most important thing you were missing was your laptop and not, say, clean underwear.

3. Please send Velcro Kitten.

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