Tuesday, December 9, 2008

To discuss a Weekend Update: The Real News of Atlanta

I did not see any Real Housewives in Atlanta.

Let me make that point first, as I'm sure you were wondering that more than anything else. I did not see NeNe, and I definitely did not see Kim, as I'm sure I would've heard her singing a mile away and confused it for goat rape.

Atlanta did hold up its end of the bargain. I was entertained by the city, and even more so by the people who attended a weekend journalism seminar with me near Georgia Tech. We talked about higher education, analyzed financial aid trends, discussed politics and drank shots of Italian liquor while hearing about an orgy with a cougar.

But before I get ahead of myself, a few random Weekend Update selections:
* Yes, Capricorn and I told each other "I love you" for the first time last week. I got nervous and basically blurted it out after wanting to say it for weeks. It was akin to romantic Tourettes. Fortunately, she thought it was cute.

* After deciding to carry my second bag on the plane to avoid baggage claim, I got in line for the security check. I frantically rifled through the bag to toss out any fluids larger than the guidelines. Out went some shaving cream, a bottle of water and a biological weapon (it was over 6 ounces.) At the same time, I was unzipping the other bag and getting my laptop out so it could be put in its own bin through the X-ray machine. At the same time, I was taking off my belt and my shoes so I could pass through the metal detector. The people behind me likely thought I was having a seizure, but I was just trying to live up to FAA guidelines.

* I had a direct flight from Baltimore to Atlanta, which left at 6 a.m. Everyone on the flight was asleep for that hour and a half trip. That is, except for the three Japanese businessmen behind me, who talked loudly and profusely the entire trip about the plane or Toyota or how creepy it was that Izzie had sex with her dead husband's ghost and needs to just move on and see what's in front of her with Karev... or, uh, something.

* I took a tour of the CNN building. An anchorwoman said "Hi" to me as she passed by into the newsroom. I'm assuming she was an anchorwoman because her face was without a blemish, her hair didn't move, her make-up was impeccable and she was in great shape. Other than that, she was ugly.

* I didn't post yesterday, perhaps the first time I haven't posted on a Monday, and the first time I've gone three days without posting, since I started this thing. I'd apologize, but I was crazy tired and out of it. Really, the post would have been something like:
Hey everyone, Atlanta was great, I had so much fun and stayed up so late and am so tired and I'm having trouble forming syllables and my eyes are playing tricks on me and is that a kitten dressed as a pirate and i need sleepandholycrapwhattimeisitdidiforgettowearpants?
A few photos:

This mysterious woman was at the club when my group got there and was still dancing when we left at 2 a.m. She might be 6 foot tall. At first I thought she only liked chicks, as she was suggestively dancing with women and had a certain dominating persona, what with her Amazon woman limbs and bright red lipstick. But then that idea went out the door, because she grabbed me and started doing some kind of salsa/ballroom dance- to a Michael Jackson song. Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
"Do you like bad girls?"

Yeah, seriously, she did. I said, "Yes?" (Exactly like that- as a question). She soon went on to another dude. (That's a photo of me at the end of the night. I was still shocked.)

The Varsity is supposedly an Atlanta tradition, a restaurant known for its old-fashioned hot dogs and hamburgers. Me, I'd rather go to the Max and watch Ed Alonzo** do magic tricks.
* I knew you'd look... While out on Saturday night with two new friends from San Antonio and Boston, we stopped at a trendy-looking bar. The trendy looking male bartender overheard us talking about crazy sexual experiences and offered to give us a free shot of Strega (highly recommended) if we told him a story. Then he offered his own: He took a female bartender to a club, they found a 42-year-old MILF, and she offered to take them back to her hotel room... Soon after he told us this tale, I realized that he likely was hoping to get the three of us in bed as well, as MILFs are a dime a dozen, but RILFs*** are a real notch on the belt.

** I remembered that actor's name without looking it up. Sadly.

*** Reporters I'd Like to ****

**** Have sex with.


*~Dani~* said...

Your trip to Atlanta sounds much more fun than I. To my knowledge I did not meet a 6ft girl that could have been a boy that wanted to be bad with me.

Also, sadly, I did not have Japanese businessmen discussing the finer points of Grey's Anatomy on my plane. If I had, I surely would have jumped in as it would have been preferred over the loud business guy calling everyone with his schedule.

Jest said...

Sounds like a very entertaining weekend. I wonder why Amazonian woman never dance with me at the bar? I'd like for it to happen just for the experience and the story.

Áine Caitríona said...

Amazonians need love, too.

I may only be 5'6" and 115 pounds, but I'd bet dollars to donuts that I'd scare the shit out of you. My classiest pick-up line?

"I'll make a man out of you, bitch."

Thank you, thank you.

Kylie said...

Atlanta sounds fun! My cousin is moving back there at the end of the year...I've already told her that I will be down for a visit next year. I love Georgia! I wanna move there...family wouldn't be happy though!

FunnyGal KAT said...

Welcome back! We missed you...

And now, your mission, if you choose to accept it (and you should), is to come on over to FunnyGals for our holiday-themed game (Ok, Ok, the game was Southernbelle's idea and we're just hosting it-- geez, the lawyers she has following me around are tough!)

SouthernBelle said...

Yes, come play our game, it's mostly cougar-molestation free!

also, my word ver is "press". how appropriate for a post about a journalism conference!
; )

Sara said...

Alright...so the whole MILF thing leads me into another great sex story that happens to involve one of my husbands friends. "Bob" meets this girl in a bar and brings her home, as he is reaching for the obligatory condom, she moves his hand away and says, you don't need that, I had my tubes tied after my third kid. So he decides...hey why do I need a condom then...and has sex with her. CLASSIC!!

sj said...

it sounds like you had some good times indeed!

(and um. izzy never married Denny. they were *engaged.*)

ps- i like how you threw Brangelina into our holiday game and breast-feeding. totally classed it up.

Sam_I_am said...

You're lucky that you didn't get sexually assulted by saying yes to her. You should have responded, "I actually have a thing for Sunday School Teachers."

Diane said...

Romantic Tourettes made me choke on my ham sandwich. I could totally picture it. I'd just recovered when I saw the shocked Andy photo. I just stopped coughing. Thanks for nearly killing me during lunch. I still love you... but not during lunch.

Cadence said...

I'm very happy that she felt like an orange skirt, black nylons and a black shirt would be the PERFECT ensemble with which to pick up unsuspecting tourists. You should have responded "Yessss I like bad girls, and I like pumpkin pie even more." You'd have to say pumpkin pie in a VERY creepy manner. And yes, you probably would have gotten molested. ANYTHING FOR THE STORY, MAN.

Lump said...

I guess Amazon Woman wasn't a bad girl.... that's why she moved on to another dude.

So, was the CNN anchorwoman almost a RILF?

Andy said...

Dani- I finally watched last Thursday's episode. I wrote the post before I watched it, and now I feel even happier to have mentioned Izzie going crazy.
Jest- I think the key is to look easily swayed by authority.
Aine- I'm scared. And turned on.
Kylie- Georgia is a nice place. I can genuinely say that. Wouldn't mind working there someday (here that, CNN? Whaddup?)
KAT- I missed you too. It was weird not blogging or reading blogs for 3 days, although I'm way behind on blog reading.
Belle- You created a great game. And I enjoyed your state.
Sara- And then he got herpes, because tying tubes doesn't prevent that.
SJ- I've been wanting to make an Angelina breastfeeding joke for a long time.
Sam- Amazing. That would have been perfect.
Diane- I guess we've learned our lesson today- Wild ARS+Food= Death.
Cadence- You know what? I'd actually consider that. I do things just for the blog now, anyway.
Lump- Not almost. She is.

Amy xxoo said...

That photo of you is priceless - she must have been one scary lady....

Also, and this is addressed to everybody, stop giving away " Grey's Anantomy " plot points... some of us people in Australia arent up to that season yet!!

Kellie said...

Izzie is a loon. She needs to be sent to the crazy bin. Seriously. I don't get that part of the show. I'm really confused now...

Sam_I_am said...

tagged ya.

SouthernBelle said...

I also tagged you, come check out my blog for details!

Miss Tiff said...

Sounds like you had a good weekend.. Also, congrats on you and Capricorn saying the L word..

Also, the pic of you is priceless... :)

~Sheila~ said...

Wow. you stayed up until 2 am. Oh yeah. I forgot. You're still young and can still handle that.

Your trip sounds like fun. I'm still feeling the aftermath of Thanksgiving so I never fully got my mind back in gear.

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG .... "I'm sure I would've heard her singing a mile away and confused it for goat rape" is the perfect description of Kim's singing voice.

Famously Single said...

This is too funny. Reason to go to Atlanta: Amazon woman who likes to talk dirty and dance!

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