Thursday, January 15, 2009

To discuss an oral exam, and that's not a sexual reference

The last time I was at a dentist, he ripped four wisdom teeth out of my mouth, two days before Christmas.
The time before that, it was to take off braces after three painful years during high school.
The time before that, I had 11 baby teeth removed. As a ninth grader. I would have made a great prison bitch for an inmate out there.

So it might be understandable that I took a few (say, five) years off from going to the dentist, since I had no cavities or other issues that needed attention in the meantime. I associate the dentist with pain and remorse. I mean, it's like having a root canal!*

Yesterday, I went. I promised Capricorn I'd get a dental check-up and a physical (still working on that part) to start off 2009 right, as I've been lazy about those things and she doesn't want me to end up a toothless, cholesterol-ridden dirty old man. She wants me to be a healthy dirty old man. Plus, I have good dental insurance, so it's silly not to go.

Let's recap my trip to the dentist:
  • A dental assistant performed a series of X-rays on my mouth. After the 17th or 18th X-ray, I wondered if the oncoming cancer would kill me quickly, or if it would take awhile. She stuck a strange object in my mouth at odd angles, told me to bite down and press a button to activate it. Now I know how Jenna Jameson feels.
  • I told the dental assistant she looks like actress Evan Rachel Wood. I did not mention that Evan Rachel Wood was married to Marilyn Manson, as I figured that might take away the compliment.
  • You know it's been a long time since your last dental visit when you're blown away they have flat screen TVs perched by your dental chair. The last time I went, all I got was a Ten Commandments poster on the ceiling reminding me how much of a sinner I am. That way, I could have teeth ripped out AND remind myself not to covet any milfs!
  • The dentist and another assistant start talking behind me about what the devil looks like. "Comforting," I thought. They decided he didn't have horns. But he would have cavities.
  • The dentist examined the X-rays (glad I remembered not to wear my grill today) and then my mouth. "Ooooh. C'mon. Really? There's nothing to do, nurse assistant's name," the dentist said. "Looks like somebody's got great teeth," assistant with the braces said. I smiled, confident in my dental perfection.
  • They both then described all the horrible teeth they see-- evidently, Mountain Dew erodes teeth like hot oil on a moat full of Crusaders. The worst, he said, was "meth mouth"- meth heads with no teeth. Yet another reason not to do meth. As if that whole cracked egg in the frying pan thing hadn't already convinced me.
  • I was happy and confident- they didn't have to do a thing. And then they told me the oral hygienist was available for my free cleaning. "Hold the fort. Hygienist? How can she clean perfection?" I thought.
  • It only took about 30 seconds of the hygienist sucking, scraping, poking and grinding** for me to remember why I hate going to the dentist. It's especially nice when they ask you questions and you respond like the love child of Wookie and Helen Keller. "So, are you flossing?" "Ehwahhal!" "How many times do you brush a day?" "Weaananana" "I'm going to molest you roughly, with no safe word. Is that OK?" "Ajjelalaloo!!!"
  • I'm a mouth breather at night, so evidently that means my gums dry up and are more prone to bleeding. At least that's what the hygienist told me when she held up a mirror and my mouth looked like Texas Molar Massacre. And yet, she said I have great teeth, healthy gums and no cavities. That's Andy 1, Eating Way Too Much Sugar And Not Flossing Enough, 0.
  • It took me several hours to get over the feeling of choking on the cocktail of my own saliva, tooth particles, blood and gargled water. I think next time I'll request they shoot vodka into my mouth to rinse. And that I not be awake. And that I get to put in those fake vampire teeth first.
  • When she was done, my teeth felt so clean I could eat off them-- and I will!***
* Jokes like this don't come easy. I'm going to start charging.
** Not a euphemism.
*** That joke will cost you $10.

I still plan on doing the word verification Mad Lib from last Friday; I just haven't had the chance yet. And this weekend, I'm going to Pittsburgh to show Capricorn my nearby hometown and to meet up with college friends... and to celebrate the Steelers victory. I promise to Weekend Update the crap out of all of it.


~Sheila~ said...

-I always gag when that strange object is placed in my mouth (I'm definitely NO Jenna Jameson)

-My last dentist had a flat screen TV too. check out this post-


also..why you gotta be coveting milfs? I don't remember the commandments saying ANYTHING about milfs...*sigh* honestly.

-Congrats on having perfect hygiene in your oral cavity. Gotta make Capricorn feel good to hear that report cause if the news wasn't so fortunate...you'd be back on Match.com

-Riiiight! You go and they say your teeth are great and then they show you the bloody mess they made of them. I always ask for a mirror...just cause I'm dumb and want to see the awful destruction they made before I sparkle.

bianca said...

I hate hate hate the dentist. Just the sound of their instruments make me cringe. Maybe a flat screen tv would make it easier. Think they'd let me watch "Rock of Love Bus?"

Thomas said...

Glad to hear you don't have Meth Mouth. I had it once and trust me, you don't want to go there.

Despite the fact that I also have perfect teeth I always try to convince my dentist that's there's something drastically wrong so that he'll feed me some gas and I can be happy again. Is that wierd?

*Please note that the first paragraph is in no way related to the second.

wee-h said...

I have to have hypnotherapy at the dentist to get through it. They could be doing anything to me and i wouldnt know :S

*~Dani~* said...

I dont like the dentist and trying to make small talk with the hygenist when you have about 30 instruments in your mouth. How can they ever understand you?

Oh, and you can rest easy. Evan Rachel Wood is not married to Marilyn Manson. Never was. They were only dating and recently broke up.

Then she was linked to Mickey Rourke. True story. Speaking of teeth...

word verification:

vooda - practicing voodoo while drinking vodka.

Second word verification because I messed the first one up:

fabins - little bits of fabulousness

KatieSaysSo said...

Thank God my sister is my dentist...She took my wisdom teeth out and gave me the prescription drugs. Oh the love of sisters....

Also, when I got my veneers put on I was so thankful for the flat screen tvs!!! i think i watched 2 lifetime movies while she worked on me....it took forever!

Hopefully you dont have to go back anytime soon!!!

Bridget Marie said...

I love the star (***) system!

Diane said...

Evan Rachel Wood married Marilyn Manson?! Where have I been?!

I hate the dentist, too. Actually, it's less hate and more fear. Lots of fear. Lots and lots of fear.

Erin said...

I love the dentist.

There. I said it. I have always loved getting my teeth cleaned. Growing up, my dentist used to personally clean my teeth himself because he said that I should be on the cover of Teeth magazine. Now it seems a little pervy to me...but I still love the dentist.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Just wondering what a mouth missing 11 teeth looks like. I mean, did you have more than 3 or 4 left? That could not have been good for your reputation with the lay-dees.

Racquel Valencia said...

Ugh. I loathe going to the dentist because it leaves me feeling so judged and cavity-ridden. To date I've had three root canals, one tooth extraction and God only knows how many cavities. How, you ask? When I waitressed I had a three-litre-a-day Coca-Cola habit, I was bulimic for two years and I smoke like a chimney.

I still haven't had my wisdom teeth out. I'm hoping that, like all other problems, if I just ignore them, they'll eventually go away.

RainbowEclipse said...

I don't have a problem going to the dentist... except that if I ever need work done, it literally takes 5 or 6 novocaine shots before my overly-sensitive nerves are numb ENOUGH. They never believe that I need that many until they test it and tears roll down my face...

word-ver is "dighoa"... I want to make a Sopranos reference but I'm not sure how to word it p.c. enough...

stealthnerd said...

Trust me, all it takes for you to love your dentist is to have him give you 2 front teeth after you get yours knocked out of your skull.

Have fun in the 'Burgh!

bex said...

10 bucks?! For quality like that, I think you should charge 20.

Liz said...

I rather a dentist look at that opening every day than the OB/GYN looking at the other opening???? (But you don't experience that little jewel do ya)Wonder what would happen if they switched???? hmmm...

Anonymous said...

I'll see your 5 years and raise you 11. By the time I finally went back, which was like two yeas ago, I was pretty much expecting to need all of my teeth removed by way of my dentist punching me in the face for stupidly staying away for so long. Luckily (or unluckily?) I only came away with my first cavity.

By the time I went back, I had to find a new dentist. I chose mine mainly because she was hot. Unfortunately, I deal primarily with one of her few not-hot hygentists. I should've inquired about flatscreen TVs. Because my dentist doesn't have those, either.

Lump said...

your dentist has a flat screen??! man, I'm missing out.

but really five years? I'm obsessed with a clean mouth and shiny teeth. If my dentist would let me get a cleaning and check-up every month instead of twice a year, I would be all over it. I love the dentist.

Kellie said...

Hate the dentist! Ew. I'm always afraid they'll find a cavity and they hurt like hell scraping and cutting up my gums.

My dentist doesn't have TV's. I must make a note to find a new dentist.

Favorite line: Texas Molar Massacre. Hahahahahaahahha!

surviving myself said...

My two older brothers are going to be at that game. They have season tickets. I hate them both.

If we win, mark my words, I'm buying a Sean McHugh jersey.

Mel said...

I love the flatscreens! Except one time I had chosen a comedy from their list of movies, and they had to turn it off because I kept trying to laugh with all of those sharp things in my mouth.

Sarah said...

oh man i'm so scared to go to the dentist! i haven't been in 8 years or so and they are definitely going to try and rip out my wisdom teeth.

Herding Cats said...

Call me crazy, but I love when they scrape my teeth clean. No, actually....you can just call me "Masochist"

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I am just recently beginning to realize that people have a REAL fear of going to the dentist.

It was something I had no choice about and always did regularly.

I love getting all the freebies!! New tooth brushes with my dentist name, free purse size floss, free travel toothpaste. Pathetic, I know.

Sara said...

Sorry...I'm stuck on the fact that meth addicts go to the dentist?

If I were doing meth I'd be spending all my money on more meth, not clean teeth... Where is that meth heads priorities?

JenBun said...

I am in the camp that hates going to the dentist. (And no TVs-- boo!)

But I do like how pretty my teeth are afterward!

I want to find one of those dentists where you can get spa treatments while they do your teeth. (They exist!) I hope my insurance covers pedis... ;)

Have fun in Pittsburgh!

TishTash said...

Thanks dude. Just when I finally get up the nerve to make my next dentist appointment (making a comeback after an absence of two years), you go and remind me of why I haven't been in two years.

elle michelle said...

Even if you did have meth mouth, you'd still be hilarious (maybe even more so?).

Like you, I haven't been to the dentist in a while. Avoidance is working for me right now, so I think I'll stick with it.

JenBun said...


Also, you've been tagged.

Check it out, and Blog It Forward!


Anonymous said...

You're funny.

I'm 24 and my mom still has to remind me to go to the dentist. What of it?

Lizzie said...

Way to be cleanly!! I have somewhere close to 60 cavities, but at least my teeth look pretty!

Jozet at Halushki said...

So THAT'S why my teeth are rotting! Meth mouth!

The things you learn on the Internets!

This post is like a PSA. :-)

LBluca77 said...

Seriously I need to make a dental appointment. Ugh! I don't wanna!! (picture me kicking and screaming on the floor right now)

Jenn(ifer) said...

I love, love, love going to the dentist! If I could go every 3 months for a cleaning instead of 6, I'd be there with bells on. Seriously.

Sick, I know.

(Thanks for stopping by) :)

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