Good times. Here's the overdue Weekend Update, multiple choice style. Please comment on how well you did, as the results are more anticipated than an Obama presidency.
1. Capricorn was jonesing for ____ all weekend like she was ____. She finally got her fix on the way home and was so satisfied she nearly gave up men.
A) Opium... a 19th century English protagonist
B) A Dairy Queen Moolatte.... convinced there was a "Buy 1 Moolatte, get one Jonas Brother free" deal.
C) Butch women... the star of such films as "Mean Girls" and "Freaky Friday"
2. I took Capricorn to the Presbyterian church I attended when I was a kid. Rather than the usual Jesus loves us stuff, the light-hearted topic was:
A) A startling look at how Noah accidentally brought a gay pair of animals on board the ark and, contrary to popular belief, was the real reason why there are no Loch Ness monsters around anymore.
B) The Immaculate Conception: God's Intervention, or a Faulty Condom?
C) Abortion Sunday: Since John the Baptist was kicking in the womb, don't kill babies.
3. On Sunday afternoon, I took Capricorn to the mini-college reunion I've had every year with a group of theater/choir friends. As part of the ritual, I regaled everyone with a retelling of our classic story about a friend's 21st birthday party. The story, which includes sound effects and has been told to pastors, professors and parents, involves:
A) Someone throwing up in a hallway, unwanted fondling, vomiting in surround sound out of the back of a Subaru and an exposed thong.
B) A priest, a rabbi, a monk, a chicken, a road, and your mom
C) Salmonella, herpes, a can of Spam, three rusty screws, and yesterday's remorse
4. On the lengthy ride home through a small mountain range, Capricorn got a little loopy and busted out a freestyle rap. What was the verse?
A) The hills are alive but I won't drive cause my boyfriend is fly and I just peed my pants. No, seriously, there's a little wet spot. My pants are more soiled than Miracle Grow.
B) Ears are popping, pants are dropping, mountains make me so horny.
C) I like big hills and I cannot lie, you other mountains can't deny, when a boy hikes in with carabiners on his waist and belay up in my face I get spelunked.
5. I was nearly back to Capricorn's house when a police officer pulled me over. What happened next?
A) Bailey barked, Capricorn texted, and the officer nicely reminded me I had a headlight out. No ticket or warning.
B) I got a $200 ticket for driving 95 in a 25 mph zone, all the more impressive because I was driving a go-kart. A Mario go-kart. Yoshi's, to be exact. I then proceeded to leave behind a poison mushroom using the Y button, spinning the cop car out behind me.
C) I found myself on an episode of "Cops," as a cameraman rushed to my car to watch the officer investigate if I had any cocaine hidden underneath my seat. It wasn't until 20 minutes and a body cavity search later that the stupid cop realized I was a drug mule and the cocaine was in a plastic bag in my colon, right next to some McDonald's.
Bonus point (easy for regular readers):
Capricorn got to do something this past weekend no other girlfriend of mine has ever done. Did she:
A) Audition for America's Next Top Model as the first contestant to ever solely use a blog pseudonym and a boyfriend's knowledge to compete.
B) Get to see home videos of me that I hadn't even seen myself.
C) Get to see illicit home videos of me that Paris Hilton hadn't even seen herself.
* I'm mega-behind on blog reading, so if you've mentioned me/asked me something in your blog in the past week or two, remind me so I can check it out.
Coming up later this week: An entire post dedicated to embarrassing old photos of me. This will include a pink leotard.
And yes, there will be a Bromance Play by Play later today. I wouldn't let you down.
1. B...You would've thought the Holy Spirit was inside that cup
2. C...At least it wasn't about dead puppies
3. A... To truly appreciate the story, it must be told in person.
4. B... She's convinced she can sell a record with this, along the lines of any Ying Yang Twins or JKwon song.
5. A... Thankfully. Because after that weekend, I've got about $5 to my name.
Bonus: B... She's that special. And soon enough, you too can see the magic.