Thursday, July 9, 2009

To discuss barking up a blog post: WildARS is overrun with chihuahuas

Bailey caught a fly midair and ate it.

No, this isn't a post about my dog's apparent knack for extermination-- he's the Venus fly trap of dogs-- but it does serve as a preamble* to one of your favorite types of blog posts.

It's not a Cosmo or Maxim review (those are coming). It's better. It's a dog post. Yes, I notice how you love reading about my chiweenie, Bailey.

Well, like Lindsay Lohan in a hapless remake of the Haley Mills classic "The Parent Trap," I've got double trouble. I've got two chihuahuas running around my apartment.

Now that Capricorn is fully entrenched in my abode (and my commode- she's got 15 bottles of shampoo in the bathroom, give or take), her dog, Leo, has also taken up residence. Unless the landlord of my apartment complex asks. Then, no, he's just visiting and will be gone by tomorrow, k? Thanx.

Leo and Bailey (both fixed boy dogs) have become quite the duo. I thought it might be worth highlighting some of what has transpired so far:
  • Leo is the neediest dog you will ever find. He must be held just about every second. Bailey finds this puzzling.
  • Leo and Bailey might be turning gay for each other. At least, I'm assuming they are because if I sniffed a dude's butt that much AND spooned with him, I sure as hell would have to admit I was flying my rainbow flag.
  • Leo has a bladder the size of a peanut... if you ate half the peanut. Capricorn has to get up every night in the wee hours to walk him. Bailey, because he's awesome, doesn't need walked until he wakes up after I'm done getting ready in the morning. That is, except for the recent night when I woke up around 2 a.m. to hear "Ssssssssss." Yep, Bailey was making a non-refundable deposit at the Urine Bank by the bed.
  • Leo likes to play first thing in the morning. Bailey, possibly hung over, likes to sleep in. So Leo's new trick is to tunnel under the covers to get Bailey, then nudge him and pull back the covers until Bailey comes out to play. Bailey usually looks pissed.
  • For one reason or another, given the option, both dogs like to sit on me. Bailey sits in between my legs-- only a hooker is in between a man's legs more than Bailey, and even then, it's not close-- and Leo likes to curl up on my left arm. Which is all very cute. Until I need to, oh, type, pee, eat, use the remote, or anything useful. How's a man supposed to dial his dealer?
  • Leo squats like a girl when he pees. He also likes to sniff Bailey when Bailey pees, except sometime he gets too close and gets peed on... which would be fine if he was into golden showers, but he's not.
  • There is a giant cage for both dogs when we're out of the apartment. Bailey has no problem with it. Leo will bark and paw at the door with all the intensity of an Elisabeth Hasselbeck/Rosie O'Donnell split screen. This makes Bailey fear for his life. As a note, Bailey is about 11 pounds and is inexplicably ripped. Leo is about 6 and has a skeleton that feels like it's made out of packing peanuts.
  • If it was bad enough having an adult male walk around a chiweenie... well, now I'm walking a chiweenie and a chihuahua who looks like a prancing reindeer when he walks.
  • Capricorn is convinced Leo is the second coming of Jesus, as he has never sinned.
  • Capricorn is convinced Bailey is the devil. We call him El Diablo.
  • Leo, based on his dominant personality and apparent awesomeness (Capricorn's thoughts) has been dubbed "The Boss." Except, you need to say "Boss" like a rapper, so it's two syllables: "baw-us." Gives it that certain something. Capricorn's favorite joke now is to have The Boss (not to be confused with Bruce Springsteen) facing her, and make his paw pimp slap her while she goes "Who's the boss? I'm the boss!" Tony Danza, eat your heart out.**
  • Other names we have given the pair since Leo moved in: Billy the Kid (Bailey) and Walker Texas Ranger (Leo), Bailey Mays (Bailey, after Billy Mays died. We had Bailey give product pitches in our house), Angel (Leo) and Bailzabub (Bailey).
* Not entirely sure what that word means, but it gives the blog post a certain Gettysburg Addressian feel, doesn't it? Four score and whatnot.
** Tony, that's just a saying. Don't take it literally! Gross, Tony!


Heather Rose said...

Sounds like you have your hands full...of shampoo and puppies.

Life is good, no?

Children of the 90s said...

Oh, they are very cute. My boyfriend has a staunch anti-chihuahua stance, though I think they're cute. I'm not sure exactly the reason. It can't be because he thinks they're girly, as he grew up with a big white standard poodle. This case is still open.

cavy said...

my dogs are brother/sister, and he's definitely into golden showers. incestuous, no?

Herding Cats said...

This post convinced me I need a dog pretty soon. So entertaining!

Heather said...

Funny stuff - especially the mental image of you walking two chihuahuas. That takes a very secure man.

My house has been intensely chaotic lately. An insanely hyper jack russell mix and a very young, extremely playful kitten are an interesting combination. Never a dull moment.

JenBun said...

I don't know what I'd do if my house was invaded by another 4-legged beastie-- I already hardly have any room in the bed! (The next 2-legged beast who wants to invade is going to have to be VERY tolerant! lol)

During most of that post, the only comment I could think of was "You have hairy legs!" But, then, so do the doggies...

Andy said...

@heatherrose: All I can handle, really, but it's good. Just wish they gave me more room on the bed.
Children: It takes a real man to own a chihuahua. I'm not compensating for anything.
Cavy: Definitely. Please have them move to certain parts of Miss., W.V. or the stereotypical state of your choice.
Herding: What's holding you back?
Heather: Maybe you're the one with your hands full out of the two of us. That sounds like a lot.

Amy xxoo said...

I wouldnt worry about anybody questioning your manliness if they see you walking two tiny girly dogs Andy.

If they do, you could just drop your trousers and show them the hair on your legs. I love a man with a bit of virility :)

(P.S That love does not extend to hairy backs. Gross. )

Soda and Candy said...

I see Bailey still has the Mega Guilt Trip Eyes.

; )

Diane said...

I have a good friend who says that small dogs aren't dogs at all... they're cats in drag. I can't look at a small dog now without thinking it. And now? You won't be able to look at the prancing reindeer getting the golden shower without thinking it either.

Yeah. Sorry.

kisatrtle said...

Awwww it's like you have kids.

WomensDaily said...

Awww they're so adorable!

Zan said...

They are super-cute...the golden-showers quip made me snarf my juice.

Thank goodness for keyboard covers.

Srg said...

They are very cute!

Jenners said...

I do love me the dog posts. And I'm guessing it is because you wrote it and might be biased, but Leo sounds like a bit of a high-maintenance ass.

Anonymous said...

I bet your neighbors don't question your sexuality AT ALL and that you look very masculine while walking The Boss and El Diablo.

So, you're totally ready for kids now, yea? (Unless you guys are anything like me, in which case your pets have reinforced the fact that you're so very much *not* ready for kids. Like, ever.)

Andy said...

Amy: I don't have a hairy back, for what it's worth. And, um... thanks?
Soda: More than you know. More than you know.
Diane: Thanks a lot, Diane. Now I'm screwed.
Kisa: Starter children, except if I get tired of them, I can take them to the pound. Not sure that's allowed with babies.
Womens: I'm renting them out for $10 an hour.
Zan: Sorry for the snarf- that can burn.
Srg: Cute dogs=readership. Known fact.
Jenners: Leo is actually adorable and cute, but he is a bit of a prima dona.
Haute: I know one thing. My MOM is ready for me to have kids. Like, yesterday.

Sam_I_am said...

Chance rather enjoys peeing ON Narnia. He didn't catch the memo that my name is on her tag, not his. Good luck with the dynamic duo. Two always makes things more "interesting"

LadyFi said...

That's hilarious! Sounds like those dogs have you wrapped around their little fingers - er, paws!

Anonymous said...

I'd go with Bert and Ernie since their sexual preferences were often called into question.

Kellie said...

They are so cute! Glad to have you back! You came back while I was in Europe so I'm just now catching up! :)

Bailey is adorable and sounds exactly like Kobe. He's a late sleeper in that he sleeps ALL day and we have to force him out of bed before we leave for work in the morning. What a lazy turd.

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