No, this isn't a post about my dog's apparent knack for extermination-- he's the Venus fly trap of dogs-- but it does serve as a preamble* to one of your favorite types of blog posts.
It's not a Cosmo or Maxim review (those are coming). It's better. It's a dog post. Yes, I notice how you love reading about my chiweenie, Bailey.
Well, like Lindsay Lohan in a hapless remake of the Haley Mills classic "The Parent Trap," I've got double trouble. I've got two chihuahuas running around my apartment.
Now that Capricorn is fully entrenched in my abode (and my commode- she's got 15 bottles of shampoo in the bathroom, give or take), her dog, Leo, has also taken up residence. Unless the landlord of my apartment complex asks. Then, no, he's just visiting and will be gone by tomorrow, k? Thanx.
Leo and Bailey (both fixed boy dogs) have become quite the duo. I thought it might be worth highlighting some of what has transpired so far:
- Leo is the neediest dog you will ever find. He must be held just about every second. Bailey finds this puzzling.
- Leo and Bailey might be turning gay for each other. At least, I'm assuming they are because if I sniffed a dude's butt that much AND spooned with him, I sure as hell would have to admit I was flying my rainbow flag.
- Leo has a bladder the size of a peanut... if you ate half the peanut. Capricorn has to get up every night in the wee hours to walk him. Bailey, because he's awesome, doesn't need walked until he wakes up after I'm done getting ready in the morning. That is, except for the recent night when I woke up around 2 a.m. to hear "Ssssssssss." Yep, Bailey was making a non-refundable deposit at the Urine Bank by the bed.
- Leo likes to play first thing in the morning. Bailey, possibly hung over, likes to sleep in. So Leo's new trick is to tunnel under the covers to get Bailey, then nudge him and pull back the covers until Bailey comes out to play. Bailey usually looks pissed.
- For one reason or another, given the option, both dogs like to sit on me. Bailey sits in between my legs-- only a hooker is in between a man's legs more than Bailey, and even then, it's not close-- and Leo likes to curl up on my left arm. Which is all very cute. Until I need to, oh, type, pee, eat, use the remote, or anything useful. How's a man supposed to dial his dealer?
- Leo squats like a girl when he pees. He also likes to sniff Bailey when Bailey pees, except sometime he gets too close and gets peed on... which would be fine if he was into golden showers, but he's not.
- There is a giant cage for both dogs when we're out of the apartment. Bailey has no problem with it. Leo will bark and paw at the door with all the intensity of an Elisabeth Hasselbeck/Rosie O'Donnell split screen. This makes Bailey fear for his life. As a note, Bailey is about 11 pounds and is inexplicably ripped. Leo is about 6 and has a skeleton that feels like it's made out of packing peanuts.
- If it was bad enough having an adult male walk around a chiweenie... well, now I'm walking a chiweenie and a chihuahua who looks like a prancing reindeer when he walks.
- Capricorn is convinced Leo is the second coming of Jesus, as he has never sinned.
- Capricorn is convinced Bailey is the devil. We call him El Diablo.
- Leo, based on his dominant personality and apparent awesomeness (Capricorn's thoughts) has been dubbed "The Boss." Except, you need to say "Boss" like a rapper, so it's two syllables: "baw-us." Gives it that certain something. Capricorn's favorite joke now is to have The Boss (not to be confused with Bruce Springsteen) facing her, and make his paw pimp slap her while she goes "Who's the boss? I'm the boss!" Tony Danza, eat your heart out.**
- Other names we have given the pair since Leo moved in: Billy the Kid (Bailey) and Walker Texas Ranger (Leo), Bailey Mays (Bailey, after Billy Mays died. We had Bailey give product pitches in our house), Angel (Leo) and Bailzabub (Bailey).
** Tony, that's just a saying. Don't take it literally! Gross, Tony!