Thursday, January 28, 2010

To discuss cheating on my longtime lover between the sheets

I'm cheating on someone I've slept with for years.

Oh God, that feels much better getting that off my chest. I now sleep with a long, slender, white partner (a black one would be silly). Not that I should talk-- my ex is as orange as The Situation.

But sleeping with this new partner is so exciting and so fresh. I'm always trying new positions, lately favoring curling my leg around, laying on my side and groping the supple body beside me. It's very kama sutra.

My history with my ex goes back to when I was just entering my teenage years. One day, I happened to see my now-ex at Wal-mart, and it was love at first sight. With a curvy body, a soft touch and a sporty appearance, I couldn't pass 'em up.

That began a love affair that could have inspired the romanciest of romance stories, or even the creation of the word "romanciest."

Night after night, we cuddled, its body always underneath me, missionary style, usually under one shoulder or the other. It always helped my neck and back feel more comfortable, plus it felt nice pressed up against me. We went on trips around the country together, from Texas to New Hampshire. It even was open to threesomes, accommodating the thousands of ladies* who joined us in bed. Sure, it was always a little awkward the morning after, as it seemed put off that I ultimately cuddled with the woman, but it never held a grudge.

* Clarification: "Thousands" means "some**"
** "Some" means "Does spooning count?"

But this month, I knew the time had come to confess the relationship was over. I had already cheated on it one lonely night in Chicago, finding a long, beautiful lover in my hotel bed, yearning to envelope my body.

I had to get one of my own. Just like James Franco on "30 Rock" recently, I had felt an undeniable connection to my full-length companion, except mine didn't have the appearance of Japanese manga porn.

So I went out and found one for $10. White. Huggable. Soft.


Perhaps I should mention my bedmate is a body pillow, and not a cheap Caucasian whore (see, it's not your mom after all).

Yes, I now share a bed with Capricorn, Leo, Bailey and Body Pillow. Capricorn is not convinced there is room enough for all of us, and she may be right. I hope she's comfortable on the couch.

It was time to make a change. My basketball pillow, the one I've had since middle school, now looks like an amorphous Dora the Explorer, minus the hair, backpack and exuberance for cartography.

I just don't know how to let it go. This isn't some stuffed animal to cast aside, a la Stephanie's Mr. Bear on Full House. It's not. (It's not, Andy, it's not. You don't sleep with a stuffed animal, you little girl.)

I wish I could quit you, basketball pillow. For now, you will reside beside the bed like a drunken co-ed slouched beside the toilet.

I'd toss it out, but I'd be afraid it would write a tell-all book about all the dirty things it's seen in the past decade-plus. You know ... pillow talk.


The Logarithmic Spiral said...

NOT THE BASKETBALL PILLOW!!!!!! Andy, you and I both know that there could NEVER be a replacement. Don't ask me if I still sleep with my white/gray/slightly yellowed stuffed/flattened out, noseless bear with a pink and white/yellowed jumpsuit with no elastic in the legs. I absolutely would never answer in the affirmative.

DSS said...

My boyfriend cheats on my with a body pillow all the time. Me no likie!

Herding Cats said...

I hope your basketball pillow isn't the stalker type. You never know with exes...

Soda and Candy said...

The basketball pillow is sitting on the living room couch, watching Castaway over and over, and sobbing that Tom Hanks would never cast Wilson aside the way you did to it.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

I linked you up to my site because of your super funny recap of Teen Mom.

I'm kinda proud of you n'shit.

Hope that's cool.

Tish said...

I have no long, storied attachments to any pillows/stuffed animals. I've been historically a one night stand kind of a girl.

Gabby said...

In the first picture, I thought you were cuddling with a loaf of bread.

I may or may not have a body pillow named Bobby...I understand.

Blonde Bookworm! said...

ha good post, is it weird that I think that one of the best things I took from this is that I really like your bed? haha anyways I sleep with no pillows, I think that makes me better than you somehow... lol :o)

jen - tsk said...

Wow...that's about all! (Apart from, it's my birthday next month, I wonder where I can track down a body pillow in my neck of the woods!).

P said...

So basically . . . it's your "blanky".


siovhan said...

Mine is green and bears the description "Butter Soft". And I'm IN FREAKING LOVE (don't tell boyfriend).

And the your mom comment -- made me laugh SO HARD.

Amy xxoo said...

Now now Andy, the longer you leave the basketball pillow beside the bed, the longer it will take to break the attachment for good.

Besides, you love somebody you set them free right? And if its mean to be, she'll come back.

It is a she, right ?
P.S Very impressed by you throwing the word " cartography " in there...

justsomethoughts... said...

i kinda thought "yer MAWM!" would make it in there somewhere...

and i swear that my word verification is "under"

i thought you'd like to know

Jenners said...

Wasn't James Franco hilarious on that 30 Rock? Did you name yours? I know you did, you little vixen.

Anonymous said...

Do you think these photos would help or hinder your flourishing journalism career? Ha.

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