Jersey Shore wrapped up last week.
Teen Mom is wrapping up this week.
What in the world am I supposed to do next week? I already watched The Pregnancy Pact. I guess I'll get by, somehow. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it. Baby recap: Leah- Amber/Gary; Carly- Catelynn/Tyler; Bentley- Maci/Deadbeat Ryan; Sophia-Farrah/Her mom. Let's get all Teen Mom up in this piece. It's the extended-length season finale.
:01 Leah can now say "Mama," which is adorable. And soon, she'll be able to say other frequently-heard words, like "Gary" "useless" and "domestic violence."
:04 Farrah is tired of being a single mom. I don't think she should worry, though. It's only a matter of time before Slade and Gretchen break up and he moves on to the next housewife. She could be next!
:05 Maci's friend asks what we've all been wondering: Why does she keep going back to Ryan? There's a long awkward pause, before Maci says it's for Baby Bentley. I'm now convinced Ryan is secretly playing subliminal messages while Maci sleeps: "You loooove Ryan. You love his chewing tobacco. And you love his inability to articulate. Stay with him no matter what."
:07 For some reason, I like Butch. And I'm not just saying that in case he reads this and decides he wants to murder me... Butch thinks Tyler is silly for wanting to propose to Catelynn. Yes, because at this point, those two kids are just in puppy love, Butch.
:08 Teen Mom Finale special with Dr. Drew? Yes, please. Amber might be pregnant, Farrah is still boyless, Ryan hates Maci, Catelynn might get to hold her baby. It's all gold. I kinda think Ryan and Farrah will hook up. Just an early prediction.
:15 Gary is crying as he talks about how he misses Amber. Is he thinking of the Amber I'm thinking of? She yells at him for breathing ... Amber is putting her GED on hold so she can have time to work and criticize Gary. I mean, there's only so much time in the day.
:23 Catelynn and Tyler again show their maturity by being happy to see photos of Carly with her adoption family. Don't they know that ruins the fun? What good is Teen Mom if people are reasonable and sane?
:33 I'll just put this out here. Leah looks like Gary.
:34 Maci says she and her mom spent about $200 on Bentley's 1st birthday party (pictured on right), not including presents. I'm turning 27 in two Saturdays, and I might not even have $200, total. Should I ask Maci to adopt me? Is that weird?
:38 Farrah takes Sophia to the zoo for more mommy/daughter time. Sophia is incredulous to this "Mommy wants to be around me" development, and demands MTV return her real mommy by the end of this episode.
:41 See, Gary and Amber have the right thought. They are going to Family Dollar for Leah's birthday party supplies. Ya see, Maci? Note that Gary, who isn't even with Amber anymore, still volunteers to help with the birthday stuff. Ya see, Ryan? Ryan? You still alive? Blink twice and mumble something if you are... OK, good.
:44 Farrah,who calls herself a MILF, and her sister are both single. I smell a spinoff show. "Date my Mommy/Auntie," with Sophia crawling to whichever boy she wants to send off on a date. And the boy must go through an interview with Farrah's mom. And, just for good measure, with Butch, too.
:45 Baby Bentley gets a Halloween birthday party. Maci dressed up as ... a naughty school girl? And Ryan dressed up as ... kind of a douche? What a strange party.
:54 We're near the hour mark, and Amber hasn't busted out crying Asian face. This is the saddest development since Kelly and Zack broke up at the prom so she could date Jeff.
1:02 Don't think for a second I'd let Farrah's mom's fur coat slip past me. Because of animal rights? No- because of fashion rights! It looked like she had a family of foxes biting her shoulders.
1:03 Hold the phone. Did Maci always have that upper lip stud in? ... It looks like Maci and Ryan are going to break up. What's next, Brad and Angelina? Oops.
1:11 There are an absurd amount of nutcrackers in Farrah's house. Take a look during the repeats. It's borderline creepy.
1:13 OK, Tyler is ridiculously sweet. And now he is going to propose to Catelynn ... just as soon as they watch a video on how to tie a necktie. "I never wore a tie in my life... 'cept 'dem snap-on ones!" Butch says. How can you not love this guy! Wait, don't answer that.
1:20 Ryan has gray hairs on his head. I know this, because he is doing his usual "look down at the ground and avoid eye contact during an argument" thing. "Can you not see that it kills me?" Maci says to Ryan about his lack of care. Ryan gives a half-hearted apology. Maci leaves. That was horrible, and I only had to watch it, not live it. Hey, at least when Bentley gets older, he can look back fondly at other parts of this episode... well, some of this episode ... well, he got a cool haircut.
1:22 Gary apologizes, and even uses the word "empathy." Amber says she's not going to run back to him like she always does, and seems more or less unmoved by his speech. I don't know who this Amber is, but I would like my old one back. Preferably the hysterically emotional one.
1:24 OK, I'll admit I almost just Asian Ambered when Tyler gave his heartfelt proposal. And, unlike Gary, he didn't get his ring at Wal-mart (with a return receipt, don't forget). He even took her to a classy restaurant. Can I marry Tyler?
So, should I do a recap of the reunion special? Let me know. And Tyler? E-mail me. XOXO.
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