Wednesday, February 3, 2010

To discuss a guest post: Children of the 90s examines children born in the 90s

First off, let me say there is no Teen Mom post today. My laptop had a meltdown, possibly because it hates Farrah, or just because it's several years old, which is 654 years old in computer years. I'll do one as soon as I get a working laptop.

Now, on to the good stuff. My birthday is Saturday (which you had marked down, obvs), so to celebrate, I'm going to heaven with 72 virgins have three guest posters fill out the next few days.

I was born in '83 and am turning 27, which is either really old or really young, depending on what year you were born. I know it always creeps me out when I think of people born in the 1990s, for example. And what better blogger to write about the 90s than Children of the 90s, who, if you haven't checked out her blog yet, has some of the most detailed, fun, and nostalgic looks at the decade of yester...er...decade around. She even just hit 500 followers. So check out this great post, then go follow her. Not literally, cause that's weird. I mean blog-wise.

Think You're Too Young to Feel Old? Think again.

Hello WildARDChasers! Children of the 90s here. When Andy asked me to write a guest post in honor of the impending anniversary of his birth, I was pretty excited. After all, we've been blog pals since way back when and I always think his posts are hilarious. I don't usually do this sort of thing, but it seems that now's as good a time as any to give back to the blogging community with a creative guest post. I use the term "creative" lightly, as technically Andy came up with this clever idea. But since he's so modest, I will graciously accept the credit for it. Thanks, Andy.

Being in your twenties in a strange phenomenon. In this world of extended adolescence, many of us still act like we're still coasting on the edge of our teenage years. We don't feel older. That is, until our friends start talking at dinner parties about mortgages and tax credits and car insurance rates and all sorts of other topics that feel distinctly adult. Not in the fun XXX adult way, but in the boring, dry "Am I turning into my parents?" adult kind of way.

We're still young, of course. I'm not implying we need to buckle down and behave soberly and responsibly quite yet. But sometimes you just get that distinct feeling that our time basking in the glorious carefree sun of youth is drawing to a close. The teen idols of our day are settling down, getting married, popping out lucratively photogenic babies. An entirely new generation of young stars are commanding the spotlight and they have a unique talent of making the rest of us still-young 20-somethings feel ancient. You know, like subjects worthy of exploration by the ever-wise Olmec on Legends of the Hidden Temple. Even that reference going over the respective heads of these up-and-coming pretty young things is enough to make us feel practically retirement home-bound.

Just in case you're thinking you're too young to start feeling old, here's a surefire trick: consider that some of today's top-earning celebrities were born in the 90s. That's right. While we were out there frolicking with our Big Wheels and Skip Its, these kids were enjoying the well-insulated fetal chamber of the womb.

Here are just a few of these kidlets out there making more money this year than we'll probably see in a lifetime:

Kristen Stewart (born April 9, 1990)

I'm not much of a Twihard myself, but from what I've heard around the interwebs is that this girl is going to be rolling in it. At the tender age of 19, she's rumored to be making somewhere in the vicinity of eight figures on the upcoming films. Let me say that one more time for you, just in case you missed it. Eight figures. I'm five years older than her and barely making my rent payments. Hurts, doesn't it?

Soulja Boy (born July 28, 1990)

When his 2007 single"Crank That (Soulja Boy)" hit number one, this kid was the youngest ever to produce, write, and perform his own number one single. I was going to say "sing", but that wouldn't be the proper verbage for his work, would it? Anyway, if you've got time to come up with some sort of widespread dance move phenomenon, there may still be time for you to catch up. Good luck.

Jamie Lynn Spears (born April 4, 1991)

You know we're in trouble when a kid born in the 90s already has a kid of her own. Really, though, the joke is probably on us. OK! paid $1 million for photos of lil' Spears and her newborn daughter, Maddie.

Miley Cyrus (born November 23, 1992)

Damn you, Miley, and your incredibly catchy pop music offerings. I'd love to hate you for eclipsing any of my greatest financial dreams before you were old enough to drive, but I can't get that damn "See You Again" and "Party in the USA" out of my head long enough to consider it.

Taylor Momsen (born July 26, 1993)

Here's an old Hollywood trick. How do you take a fresh-faced 16-year old and make her look like a tired 35-year old after a long night of barfly-ing? I think the smudgy eye makeup is definitely a factor. Anyway, you could always just check with Ali Lohan for more tips.

Nick Jonas (born September 16, 1992)

A religious, upstanding trio of brothers with questionable taste in hairstyling? This one's got Hanson written all over it. Luckily, today's teens aren't old enough to remember Hanson, so they're content to settle with these knockoffs. I want to say Nick is the cute one, but I don't want to implicate myself in anything statutory here, so we'll just say if I were 10 years younger I'd be wont to plaster my bedroom walls with his J-14 centerfolds.

Shawn Johnson (born January 19, 1992)

A gold medal and a Dancing With the Stars victory? You're really making the rest of us here, look like slackers. I thought I was doing okay if I can get down to the gym for a half an hour or so three times a week.

Taylor Lautner (born February 11, 1992)

Heck, this kid played a Mouseketeer in 2004 on The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour. I can guarantee none of his peers would even have the vaguest recollection of that show's existence, but it's got to make the rest of us feel old. And a little dirty for admiring his shirtless Situation in New Moon.

Dakota Fanning (born February 23, 1994
As one of the youngest on this list, she's probably accomplished more than we can expect by twice her age, but it's hard not to like her. She even played the child version of Ally McBeal in a flashback scene. That's pretty much the only reason she'd even know who Ally McBeal was, and she was just 5 at the time.

Justin Bieber (born March 1, 1994)
It's more than a little disturbing to hear a 15-year old kid crooning on the radio about "One Less Lonely Girl." What's he going to do to hook her? Take her for milkshakes? Have his mom drive them to a movie? When I first heard the song, I thought its singer was the aforementioned One Less Lonely Girl. We'll see what happens to his career when puberty sets in.

Of course, if it makes you feel any better, most of the actors who actually play teenagers on TV are closer to 30 than 15. In fact, many of them might be older than you. By Hollywood's calculation, that means you've got at least a few more good years of youth before you'd have to start playing the parent or the teacher in a sitcom. It's a small consolation, but as the years fly by we're going to settle for taking what we can get. Happy Birthday, Andy!


Ben said...

I want to punch every single one of these people.

Herding Cats said...

I want to drink after reading this post...

stealthnerd said...

So apparently what I was doing wrong all these years wasn't being tan and untalented, it was just being born 6 years too early. Now it all makes sense.

Kellie said...

Dear God this made me feel ANCIENT. And very very dirty for staring a bit too long at Taylor's abs. Damn.

Also, I've got to say I thought "One Less Lonely Girl" was sung by a female when I first heard it as well. Obviously a lesbian. No biggie. But then I learned it was a pre-pubescent boy and I gagged a little.

Alexis said...

I just assume everyone was born in the 80s.

P said...

I was born in 1979.

I started HIGH SCHOOL before some of these freakin' KIDS were even a glimmer in their parent's eyes.


PS I hate Miley Cyrus even MORE now...

Jenners said...

Um...as a "Child of the 60s" (born in so I guess I'm a child of the 80s????), this post plunged me into a pit of depression ... so thanks for that.

And my "marker" celebrity (i.e., celebrity born in the same year I was and that I measure my accomplishments against) is that old hag Julia Roberts. Not content to be one of the leading box office earners (back in the ancient days of the 1990s), she is still making movies, although she seems semi-retired. And she looks a hell of a lot better than I do. Plus she had 3 kids (while I only have 1). She can't even let me win there! About the only area where we even match up is that I personally think she dresses as badly as I do (unless she is on a red carpet).

Going to cry in my Geritol...

Sadako said...

I feel old. So so old!

Jen said...

Oh goodness! I too was a February 1983 baby (do you think we're related? Hehe). I feel super super depressed everytime I see / realise someone pretty grown up was born in the 90s, seriously, it literally kills me!!

Anonymous said...

...This post really just made me sad inside. Sigh.

Amy xxoo said...

I'm a born in the 80's ( 1984 to be exact ) child of the 90's, who has just given birth to my own first child.... and I DO NOT FEEL OLD READING THIS POST. It pleases me that these celebra-teens are really only popular with their own generation and that people my age think they're ( mostly ) ridiculous.

Like that Beiber kid - it just makes me laugh listening to his song. Hearing a 14 or 15 year old boy singing about some chick is his life and his fight or whatever.... ri-dic-u-lous!

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