Friday, February 12, 2010

To discuss some Valentine's Day flirting advice, Cosmo style

Dude, I'll be honest. After all the snow this region has received in the past week, I almost forgot about Valentine's Day this weekend.

Fortunately, our favorite "women's*" magazine, Cosmopolitan, has us covered. I'll save the full-fledged review of the March edition for later, but I think a certain article will benefit all of you this lovers' weekend, especially those on the prowl.

* "Women's" used loosely, and by "loosely" I mean the type of women.

"50 Ways to Become a Legendary Flirt" has the kind of insight you'd pay upwards of $5 for, if you had $5 that you either need to light on fire or spend hastily at a convenience store. The article gives advice how to flirt your way to power with a guy, with coworkers, and even with family (!?!)

Let me give you some of the highlights Cosmo offers, with my own advice to boot. And, for those who prefer the visual format, I offer this all up in a vlog (I gave my debut vlog Tuesday). Again, it's Pop Up Video style, featuring my chiweenie, Bailey.

Kinda slutty:
Cosmo: Lean on the counter at the dry-cleaners so that the cashier can see your statement necklace slip into your cleavage.
WildARS: Lean on the counter at the dry-cleaners so that the cashier imagines permanent pressing his manpart in your booby crease.
Cosmo: Slip into your fishnets while giving him the eye.
WildARS: Slip out of your fishnets while asking him to leave the $100 on the nightstand before he leaves.
Cosmo: Gift your man with a pair of silk boxers to pamper his package since it's been working "extrahard" lately."
WildARS: Show your man how much you hate him by giving him ultra-uncomfortable silk boxers that will make his package feel like its on a slip-and-slide. Silk boxers are weird.

Slightly incestuous:
Cosmo: When a relative gives a sappy toast at a family event, catch your new sister-in-law's eye and wink. (Ed. note: WTH, Cosmo?)
WildARS: When a relative gives a sloppy toast at a family event, catch your new brother-in-law's eye with your drunken lip licking.
Cosmo: Tell your big sis she's a total MILF.
WildARS: Tell your big sis she's a total SILF, and then proceed to move to (insert backwoods hillbilly town here).
Cosmo: Send your grandma two dozen of her favorite flower, just 'cause
WildARS: Send your grandma two dozen flowers with a "Secret Admirer" card, just to see that crazy old bird go nuts.

Questionable premise:
Cosmo: Ask the hot Best Buy salesman to help you pick the perfect birthday present for your guy friend since he's a "sexy tech genius like you."
WildARS: Tell the nerdy Best Buy Geek Squad guy about your sexy guy friend to remind him he'll never RAM a girl like you.
Cosmo: Treat your pooch to an at-home doggy massage every a.m.
WildARS: Treat a man to an at-home massage every a.m., unless your intent is to flirt and turn-on your dog.
Cosmo: Give everyone in your inner circle a flattering nickname, like Man-Eater and Fashionista.
WildARS: Give everyone in your inner circle an unflattering but accurate nickname, like Teletubby and Tits McSee.
Cosmo: Study his face, and remark on how much he looks like (insert hot male celeb he kinda-sorta resembles here).
WildARS: Study his face, and remark on how much he looks like (insert butch female politician he definitely resembles here).


Ben said...

I can see absolutely no reason why anyone should be flirting with a cashier at a laundromat or Best Buy salesman.

Same goes for sisters, sisters-in-law, grandmothers, dogs, etc.

All in all, I couldn't get past the flirt-targets to even absorb the actual flirt tactics.

L.C.T. said...

Liking the vlogs :)

L.C.T. said...

No comment on the Grey's front... ;)

Andy said...

Ben- Seriously, Cosmo is hitting the bottom of the barrel
LCT- Thanks, and it's OK for a man to like Grey's Anatomy. I think. Just cause I wrote it on your blog, doesn't mean you have to tell my secret.

Natballs said...

hahahahahahhaha. "silk boxers are wierd, seriously"

is it worse my husband has a silk pair of stewie griffins?

Kellie said...

I don't understand their incenstuous recommendations. Really? Why in the world would you want to do any of those? Except for your last recommendation of sending your grandma flowers. That is too funny. :)

Also, the dog one? WTH? Cosmo is just confusing and wrong.

BeckEye said...

You're so considerate of your video-less readers.

And holy Jeebus, Carrie Underwood looks even more like a cyborg than usual on that Cosmo cover.

P said...

I am a massive "Friends" fan - but I muted it in order to watch this vlog, and laughed nearly as hard.

Consider that a MASSIVE honour.

You need your own show, dude.

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