To discuss the Winter Olympics: New events for 2014

Capricorn and I watched the first part of the "Be Good Johnny Weir" documentary series last night (I didn't realize he grew up less than an hour away from where I live). Sadly, that was about as much ice skating as I've seen recently, as I haven't had a chance to watch much of the Olympics. Check that. I've watched curling several times, because when I do have time to watch, it's the only event on. I still have no idea what the rules are or how this is different than cruise ship shuffleboard with ice.

I did recently catch the biathlon, which combines the beauty of cross-country skiing with the grace of randomly shooting a firearm on the side of a mountain, which would come in handy if you were being chased by the Yeti in the Alps.

But I think the event is too self-limiting, as there are only so many among us who have a passion for both skiing and shooting a firearm. And Yetis.

In fact, there are many great potential Olympic events that have not been included in this year's schedule in Vancouver. To help out, here's my input to the Olympic committee for the next Winter Olympics, to be held in Russia Miami, Florida! (The tourism would be amazing! All they'd have to do is import ice and snow and mountains!). Others, assuredly, have done "new Olympic event" lists in the past and gave ideas such as sled riding or snow man building. Yawn. Let's ramp this thing up a notch.

* Black Ice Braking: Drivers must travel 60 mph around a backwoods road while successfully negotiate a series of turns. After sliding off the road into a ditch, the driver must successfully convince the police officer the cause of the crash was a mysterious patch of black ice that "like, came out of nowhere and I couldn't do anything," so as to avoid a ticket for reckless driving. Judges give extra consideration for those who were talking on their cell phone and driving with their knees.

* Ice Road Prius: It's one thing to be an Ice Road Trucker with a semi truck at your disposal. But for this Olympic event, drivers must select a hybrid or compact car. For the competition, they must drive in the middle of a blizzard in the passing lane with hazard lights on. A gold medal in this event requires pissing off a minimal of three SUV, four-wheel drive drivers behind them, and spinning out at every stop sign by gunning it instead of slowly pulling out. Pulling off on the side of the road and waiting for the snow plow will cost you 10 points.

* Flying V: In this team sport, a group of misfit, underprivileged and surprisingly charming youth must win a hockey game by using a combination of their Flying V and their xenophobia of Icelanders, led by that rat bastard Gunner Stahl. References during the game to "The quack attack is back, Jack" will be worth both plus 5 and minus 5 points. References to "Goldddddberggggg!" are worth 50 points.

* Pet walking: In the first pet/owner Olympic event ever, the athlete must successfully get his pet dog (Requirements: Under 25 pounds, pretentious and picky) to use the bathroom on a course that has two feet of snow in every direction. Medals are given to those who quickly find the one patch of grass in the entire area for their dog that has since become a cesspool from community over-urination, and get their dog to stop being a prima donna and just pee already because it is freakin' freezing.

* Hanging Icicle of Doom: Unfortunately, gold medalists are guaranteed not to repeat as champions. That's because in this event, the athletes stare straight up at a giant hanging icicle and wonder if anyone has ever been impaled b... *crack!*

* Couples Figure Skating: No, not the similar event already part of the Olympics. This one is much more difficult. In addition to the requisite jumps and lifts, both male and female partners must make it appear like they are actually into each other sexually and that this routine isn't just an antiquated sham repressing skaters' true orientations. Judges give extra points for couples that have the male triple sal the female's chow.