Thursday, February 18, 2010

To discuss checking out checks, or why America is Looney

I had to order new checks yesterday, which is a strange thing to do when you barely ever use checks. Lately, I use checks to do one of the following:
1) Pay rent
2) Pay for my fantasy football league
3) ....
3) ....
3) .... OK, I think that's it.

Checks are an antiquated thing now, like using a typewriter, ordering merchandise you see on TV by calling on the phone, or being gainfully employed.

But there are certain things you need them for, just like there are certain times you need cash (one day, cocaine dealers around America will unite and get a debit swipe machine ... I mean, the Salvation Army did it!).

So I went online to find a replacement. Good God, y'all. What is wrong with America? These are some of the top options available at several popular check ordering sites:

What this check says about you: You are not to be taken seriously. You consider Mickey and Minnie to be the gold standard of marriage. You are still delusional in thinking Mickey and Donald aren't secretly in love.

What this check says about you: You like one of the most annoying, self-indulgent, malicious Warner Bros. characters, Tweety, and even more, you want to share that passion with everyone who receives a check. You tawt you taw a puddy tat. You also have a raging speech impediment.

What this check says about you: You have the hots for an animated fairy and have spent hours on the Web searching for "Twinkerbell Lost Boys sex." That is, unless you're Linda Franklin of "Jim or Linda Franklin." Then you are hoping your husband picked out these checks because he has the hots for Twinkerbell. Otherwise, he might be a closet fairy boy.

What this check says about you: You hope people ignore your usual Memo line of: "Don't cash until next Friday please" and instead realize you still hold out hope you will one day live in one of these majestic castles. And you will. As a servant.

What this check says about you: You have good taste, as this is one of the most popular check designs. What that says about America, I'm not sure. Boop oop a doop?

I ended up going with a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball theme, which was both remind people that I'm a guy who loves sports, and a guy who is used to losing (in this case, money from my checking account).
Just before I was finished ordering, I was given the option to include a personal message on my checks. Here were the options:

Those are a good way to get punched in the groin. "Money talks... mine sa *crotch punch* Oh sweet Jesus..."
I had the option of writing my own message. It was too tempting to write something like:
* Do you feel good stealing from the poor like this?
* I could have used this to feed the needy in Africa, but you had to take it
* This is drug money
* Let's stop being polite and just assume this check won't clear

Sure, a lot of these checks are "cute," and there's no harm in that, to an extent. But they also didn't have many manly options. Where's the barb wire? Where's the amputated limbs? Where's the stripper with daddy issues?

P.S. If any of you have Tweety bird on your checks, please send one to me, written out with the amount left in your checking account, and then proceed to rip up the remaining checks and enter a Warner Bros rehab program. Thanks.


Sam_I_am said...

I think the Tinkerbell checks are cute, but then, I'm a girl...

I used to have Garfield and Odie checks, but now we have plain ol' boring ones. C insisted that since I never write a check that I didn't need to have any more Garfield ones. Bastard.

Lump said...

Fuck you, man. Betty Boop is hot.

lbluca77 said...

I always just order the standard checks from my bank because, um hello they are free.

Last time I ordered them I considered getting the Red Sox checks but then decided against it since it would cost me $25. No thanks. That $25 good go to better use, like alcohol, a lap dance or um you know helping the poor.

cavy said...

oh man, i'm embarrassed. my checks have a "denim" print.

i only use them for rent, though, and my landlord in milwaukee is a 50-something gay man.

i bet he still judges me..

benjaminalan said...

You definitely should have put your custom Africa comment on your checks. That would have been awesome - especially when you write out a tithe check. Ha!

P said...

Um . . . so I have Tinkerbell wallpaper on my pc in work. What does that say about me???

Jenners said...

Genius post!!

And I think you have to consider the people who do use checks on a regular basis ... the old ladies who are always in front of me at the grocery store. These are the people who are ordering checks and therefore the "Neilsen" family of determining check popularity.

And it surprises me you didn't just go for the blue safety checks. Why did you have to choose a "speciality" check in the end?

And I love love love your phrases.

kisatrtle said...

goodness Andy this was funny! I have turtles on my checks. What does that say about me?

Herding Cats said...

You didn't offend me. I hate all those checks!

Andy said...

Sam- Don't let the man get you down
Lump- In the 1940s, maybe
LBluca- My bank didn't offer free replacement ones, but the ones I got only cost $11, so not an egregious thing. Maybe because they are Pirates checks, not Red Sox checks.
Cavy- Denim print? Wow. Yes, yes he does judge you.
Benjamin- Next time!
P- Uhhhhh...
Jenners- Thanks... and those old ladies take forever to fill out a check. They are practically dipping their quill pen in ink, it takes so long.
Kisa- Turtles are an exception. Especially the teenage mutant kind
Cats- See! I'm right.

DSS said...

My check card was stolen recently. I have had to write checks for everything. Let me tell you, I think I almost forgot how that all worked!

"May I see your driver's license please?"

"hmmm...the machine appears to have eaten your check...hold on...let me run it again"

Praise Jesus the replacement card has arrived.

stealthnerd said...

I definitely laughed out loud when I read "Do you feel good stealing from the poor like this?" That's kind of awesome and I wish you *had* gone with that!

Soda and Candy said...

I was pretty shocked that a lot of stores will take personal checks over here. I guess they have some fancy verification thing but in Oz there's NO WAY a store would take a check!

Kellie said...

My checks are just the boring bank checks w/ the Wells Fargo stagecoach on them. Old West. Yee Haw! Also, I have consolidated everything to online bill pay so I use like 3 checks a year. And that is only for weird occurrances. Britain is getting rid of checks all together. I think we should too. They really are stupid. Kind of like IOU's.

Unfinished Rambler said...

"Do you feel good stealing from the poor like this?" I think that actually should be on checks...especially our checks.

Also gave you a shoutout via Twitter.

unfinishedrambling (at) gmail (dot) com

Heather said...

My checks used to be covered in brightly colored polka dots... then my purse got stolen and I got the boring "old lady" checks from the bank. I don't guess they have to be cute... they're depleting my bank account either way. In fact, maybe the polka dots were way too cheerful. Who's ever that happy to be forking over a rent check?

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