1) Pay rent
2) Pay for my fantasy football league
3) .... OK, I think that's it.
Checks are an antiquated thing now, like using a typewriter, ordering merchandise you see on TV by calling on the phone, or being gainfully employed.
But there are certain things you need them for, just like there are certain times you need cash (one day, cocaine dealers around America will unite and get a debit swipe machine ... I mean, the Salvation Army did it!).
So I went online to find a replacement. Good God, y'all. What is wrong with America? These are some of the top options available at several popular check ordering sites:
What this check says about you: You are not to be taken seriously. You consider Mickey and Minnie to be the gold standard of marriage. You are still delusional in thinking Mickey and Donald aren't secretly in love.
What this check says about you: You like one of the most annoying, self-indulgent, malicious Warner Bros. characters, Tweety, and even more, you want to share that passion with everyone who receives a check. You tawt you taw a puddy tat. You also have a raging speech impediment.
What this check says about you: You have the hots for an animated fairy and have spent hours on the Web searching for "Twinkerbell Lost Boys sex." That is, unless you're Linda Franklin of "Jim or Linda Franklin." Then you are hoping your husband picked out these checks because he has the hots for Twinkerbell. Otherwise, he might be a closet fairy boy.
What this check says about you: You hope people ignore your usual Memo line of: "Don't cash until next Friday please" and instead realize you still hold out hope you will one day live in one of these majestic castles. And you will. As a servant.
What this check says about you: You have good taste, as this is one of the most popular check designs. What that says about America, I'm not sure. Boop oop a doop?
I ended up going with a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball theme, which was both remind people that I'm a guy who loves sports, and a guy who is used to losing (in this case, money from my checking account).
Just before I was finished ordering, I was given the option to include a personal message on my checks. Here were the options:
Those are a good way to get punched in the groin. "Money talks... mine sa *crotch punch* Oh sweet Jesus..."
I had the option of writing my own message. It was too tempting to write something like:
* Do you feel good stealing from the poor like this?
* I could have used this to feed the needy in Africa, but you had to take it
* This is drug money
* Let's stop being polite and just assume this check won't clear
Sure, a lot of these checks are "cute," and there's no harm in that, to an extent. But they also didn't have many manly options. Where's the barb wire? Where's the amputated limbs? Where's the stripper with daddy issues?
P.S. If any of you have Tweety bird on your checks, please send one to me, written out with the amount left in your checking account, and then proceed to rip up the remaining checks and enter a Warner Bros rehab program. Thanks.