Friday, March 12, 2010

To discuss what happens to that hour you're losing this weekend

The following is a product of both my crazy imagination and my long week... it's my movie trailer for Daylight Savings Time, in the event Hollywood scrapes the bottom of the idea barrel:

(Deep movie trailer voice)

In a world where different parts of a state can be in different time zones for no particular reason

In a place where Tivo pauses time

In a land where the Land Before Time can have 12 sequels that beg the question, Is it ever the Land During Time?

There are certain unexplained events that occur in our world twice a year. This spring, it's time for...


(Dramatic music) (Scene: Two young detectives survey a crime scene at a clock repair shop)
Natalie Portman (you're damn right I cast her in my trailer): The owner said he came to work today, and all the clocks had moved ahead one hour. He's worried someone stole an hour of his time, and he's also worried about choosing a trade in clock repair when no one uses a clock anymore.
James Van Der Beek (Joshua Jackson was busy): Such a shame (He pauses to check the time on his cell phone). Time is so valuable, we can't afford to lose it ... So let's play the next 30 minutes for the next 30 minutes, and leave it on the field. We have the opportunity to play like gods for the next ...

Natalie: (off script) ... James, James, hold on, you're going into your Varsity Blues monologue again.

James: Sorry. Yes, right ... (back to script) We must find out who is the culprit. Thousands of hung over college kids' slumber this weekend depends on it. This villain is like the Hamburgler, but he steals time instead of juicy patties.

Natalie: It's like he's an ...

(Dramatic music like in Grey's Anatomy when Meredith is getting all whimsical at the end of an episode)
Natalie: ... Hour Thief!

(Quentin Tarantino-ish splash of blood with clock parts flying everywhere)

James: If we don't find the Hour Thief soon, or by, say, this November, millions of people will be affected. They'll have to deal with an extra hour of daylight. The horror! And who knows what terrors await those who are unprepared ...

(Quick cut to two college kids doing it in the backseat of a car at 1:59 a.m. Sunday morning)

Boy: I can't believe we finally did this. I know you were worried after watching "16 and Pregnant," but that doesn't happen to people like us, right? Very Often. Frequently. Kinda all the time.

Girl: Baby, it was great ... but there's something I need to tell you, a secret that you haven't figured out yet, even after what we just did. If you just give me one minute to explain ...

(The boy is confused. The girl slowly reaches toward her long blond hair, and, shockingly, starts to pull it off like a wig, while at the same time she seems to be shifting the front of her pants)

Boy: What the hell is going ...

Quick flash. The boy is now sitting next to a gruff mountain man-type.

Boy: Wait, what just happened? Why is it 3 a.m. now? Where did that hour go? And what did you do with my girlfriend?

Mountain man: I've been explaining this for an hour now ... Now let's get freaky-deaky.


Voice over: Before you dare set your clock ahead this weekend, gird your loins for the Hour Thief. Coming to theaters this spring. Rated R for an awkward scene of mountain man sex and an unwarranted James Van Der Beek reference.


Natballs said...

good god, you're a funny writer!

"In a land where the Land Before Time can have 12 sequels........"

Jess said...

I live in a place that doesn't actually change times. It has something to do with all the farms in the area and it would mess up the cows or something like that.

I only wish I was kidding.

BeckEye said...

Wait...so, is that actually this weekend? I'm always the last to know.

And thank you for warning me about that James Van Der Beek reference. I can handle it if I know it's coming.

FunnyGal KAT said...

That settles it. I'm definitely going to make sure I'm asleep at 2 a.m. in case the world ends when that hour disappears. Thanks for the warning, Andy!

Herding Cats said...

Oh my god. You just reminded me. Ugh, least favorite Sunday of the year!

Jenners said...

Love the poster! : )

You are a genius ... you know that right?

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