To discuss a Cosmo review: April 2010

What do you think convinced Lady Gaga to do an issue of Cosmopolitan? As if she would ever follow any of the advice they have in there. I mean, look at one of the cover headlines: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." Since one of the options isn't "Perform live at an awards show," why would she listen?

Anyway, here's the Cosmopolitan April 2010 review. As always, don't read this if Cosmo (or Lady Gaga) offends you.

• Cosmo Bachelor Search 2010: Nominate a guy to be Bachelor of the Year. Is Jake Pavelka still eligible, or do we have to wait until he officially breaks up with Vienna?
• Cover subject Lady Gaga:: "I wanted to sleep with as many rock 'n' roll guys as I could, and I've certainly had my fun." Holy crap, was she on Rock of Love Bus and I missed it? And what part of sleeping with a bunch of rockers sounds like a healthy decision? Her private parts are probably a petri dish.
  
• Gaga: "I'd tell any new boyfriend to hang on because it's going to be a bumpy ride." ... Why? Because in the middle of sex your bra would gouge his eye? Or because in the middle of sex you'd decide you don't like boys anymore?

• OK, these JC Penney ads are getting more and more ridiculous. Am I shopping at the wrong JC Penney, or is there a secret slutty one guys aren't allowed to know about? And at what point did JC Penney ad models get hotter than Victoria's Secret models?
• Guy confessions: A guy giving a PowerPoint presentation at work using his iPhone is embarrassed when "private" photos he had sent to his girlfriend popped up on the screen. How many run-of-the-mill sitcoms do people need to watch before realizing that it's never a good idea to keep personal photos in the same folder/phone as the one you're using for a PowerPoint? Although you'd think by this point Microsoft would have invented a PowerPoint update that automatically scans photos for boobs and penises before it's shown on screen.
• Fun Fearless Fashion: Wearing denim-on-denim: Cosmo says it's now socially acceptable to wear a denim top and denim pants and denim shoes. But that denim thong can get really itchy ...
  
• Sexy vs. Skanky: A quick smooch (Amanda Seyfriend/Dominic Cooper) vs. A long tongue wrestle (Janice Dickinson and her bf). That just makes me miss the days of Janice on "America's Next Top Model," even if it looks like she's trying to recreate a scene from "Species."
• The 5 Best Compliments You Can Give Him: 'Cha-ching' when he's successful at work; 'Hahahaha' when he cracks a joke... or 'I've never seen one that long and big!' when he ... crochets a scarf.
• The Sex Article We Can't Describe On the Cover: As it turns out, Cosmo CAN be shamed... they couldn't put the words "oral sex" on the cover because it's "too shocking" to some... and yet they can put "Find Your G-Spot" and "Speak His Sex Language" on the cover. But oral sex? Heavens no!
• How to Appear Crazy and Neurotic: Oops, I don't think I got the article's title right. But who can blame me, when Cosmo advises women to touch a new guy they meet five times within every 15 minutes ... because guys love it when a girl is so into their conversation, she's timing out her physical contact.
  
• A new ABC Family original movie: 'Beauty & The Briefcase' starring Hilary Duff: Hilary plays a girl who lands a big assignment from Cosmo where she has to date a bunch of guys and write about it. Pay no attention to the movie you saw with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey with a similar plot. Or the fact Hilary Duff keeps getting movie roles. Don't even get me started on "Raise Your Voice."
  
• Cosmo Gyno Q&A: 'My gyno gave me a rectal exam. WTF?' Dear Gyno worrier: Turn around next time. Duh.
• Rethink Your Green Routine: Advice such as pulling the plug on unused appliances and purchasing organic foods. For some reason, "Don't buy a 200-page glossy magazine every month" isn't on their list of ways to save the environment. At least I'm helping you avoid that.