Wednesday, July 14, 2010

To discuss babies, babies everywhere

A married couple I went to college with recently announced they are having a baby - a funny phrase, if you think about it... if I ever am expecting a child with my wife, I think I'll "proclaim a little baby is going to show up in nine months and I've got dibs."

This is very exciting news, and they are the first among the small group of college friends I meet with every year to be expecting a baby. We really should have placed bets on that, but I'm sure that's unethical and easy to rig.

It also signals, however, a changing of the guard. Next time we all meet up, we'll likely have a baby amongst us, and that'll make it harder to drink rum and smoke cigars (I could just rub some rum on the baby's gums... don't want anyone to feel excluded... I'm going to make a great dad!)

And within weeks, I'll also be an uncle, as my sister is super preggy right now. That's a lot of babies coming into my life, and yet I have little experience with them outside of watching "Rugrats," and I sincerely doubt my nephew will let me call him Tommy Pickles. Wait, I did watch "Muppet Babies" when I was a kid, so I think that counts. I still wonder what the nanny looked like. A friend and I recently agreed she must have been a fox.

So with my little experience and an upcoming need for knowledge, please help me. Provide any baby knowledge I might need. I know some of you *cough* AmyXXOO *cough* are new parents, so that will help. Even if you just date someone who acts like a baby, I'll take it.

What should I expect? What should I tell these babies? How long until I tell them about sex - 6 weeks? 8 weeks? Is it socially acceptable to buy them a Power Wheels and then drive it to work myself? Should I keep my shirt on to avoid nipple confusion? How long does crate training take? Is it advisable to take them to a tanning salon "just to get a base," like on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"? If the baby turns out to be ugly, is there an exchange policy? Should I start messing with the baby's psyche now to set them up for a lifetime of lowered expectations so that they never become more successful than me? Would it be OK to "borrow" the baby so I can drive in High Occupancy Vehicle lanes? Can I tell them Lindsay Lohan is the most beloved actress in Hollywood and should be emulated, just to see what happens? Can I drop them off at the Jolie/Pitt residence to see if they get taken in, and then years later claim them for my own and demand millions in compensation? Should I baby-proof my house by wrapping everything in bubble wrap, including my dog? Can I read them Disney fairy tales but convince them it's all real and that if you bite an apple you'll fall into a deep sleep and some really short people will totally creep on you?

Please help. Thanks.


Anonymous said...

The only thing I know about babies is that you're not supposed to drop them. Especially on their heads.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I'm still a few weeks away from having real baby experience, but we hosted our nephews this week and the six-month-old kept trying to get at everyone's nipples. I fought him off, but I think it is the duty of an uncle to at least let the kid give it the ol' college try. I'm sure he'll realize there's nothing coming out after an hour or so and give up.

Anonymous said...

Yes. To all of your questions. You will be the perfect role model :)

Cadence said...

Absolutely to the tanning question. If he/she/it whines about it, make sure to tell them to be quiet or they'll get stuck in there forever. Kids like threats, and they also like scare tactics. I would also start working on a healthy body image from the start, and make sure they are working out every day. Don't fall for that "baby formula" or "breast milk" nonsense...it's just empty calories. Puree some rice cakes and sticks of celery, give them some water, and call it a day.

Other advice: big sunglasses, from day one. Also, mascara...baby eyelashes are usually pretty, let's accentuate them!

Also, babies love saunas. However, usually you won't be allowed to take them in there, so a hot dan and a car with the windows closed is a great substitute.

...too far? Is the FBI going to come sterilize me now?? I'M KIDDING!


Soda and Candy said...

"How long does crate training take? "


Also, do not make jokes about nipple confusion. Hungry babies will latch onto anything that gets too close to their heads (much like a slutty friend of an ex-BF of mine).

Amy xxoo said...

Andy, Andy, Andy - so many questions, yet i have so little time. You know, with a 6-and-half month old to look after ( thanks for the shout out by the way ).
Alli can say is you need to get yourself relatively comfortable with:
a) crying
b) vomit
c) poop
d) dribble
and dont take it personally if the babies take one look at you, drop their lip and start crying. Its not that they dont like you, its just that they dont like anyone who isnt their mumma!

Jenners said...

As long as you can give them back to their original owners, you don't need to worry too much. It is when they are with you permanently that you have to start worrying ... and then it is too late.

Say goodbye to your friends ... you won't see them all that much now.

kisatrtle said...

They cry ALOT, they take up ALOT of time, they poop and pee non stop. They beg for money, they learn to talk and the first thing they say is no but for some reason you love them more than your own life. To borrow a phrase from Jerry McQuire they complete you.

Kellie said...

These answers have been extremely helpful to me since I'll be popping Nugget out here hopefully sooner rather than later. I will have to buy her some tanning sessions and get a crate to crate train her. I wonder if the pee pads would work just as well as a crate???

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