Friday, July 9, 2010

To discuss ways to get your mind off of Lebron James

Fun fact: A certain all-star NBA player who made a certain free agency announcement yesterday did so in the town where I used to work, at a Boys & Girls Club that I had visited often for stories. Small world.

But that's as close as Mr. James and I get when it comes to his impact on my life. Oh, and I'd rather not call him Lebron, as if we're on a first name basis. We're not. He can call me Mr. Shaw. Or Ms. Jackson if he's nasty.* I also won't call him "King James," because he's neither a Bible version or royalty in the line of King Tut, King Kong, or King Koopa.

* That song title is a bountiful cornucopia of jokes; my favorite one is in this post.

Mr. James had a giant press conference and dragged his decision out like eight days of Hanukkah, just to let everyone know he would not, in fact, stay loyal to his hometown team and would instead seek out Tiger Woods' mistresses in Florida a championship in Miami. That would be like me holding a press conference to announce I'm switching newspapers, although, actually, that would be extra ironic.

As I'm not from Cleveland, don't live in Miami, am not in Jay-Z's ownership group with the Nets, and secretly love it when New York sports fans don't get everything they want, I didn't care too much about Mr. James' decision.

And why not? Consider that Lebron James:
  • Has never given me any money, so the amount of money he makes has no impact on me
  • Is only someone I've seen on television, so, like Brad and Angelina, there's been no physical proof to me that he actually exists.
  • Will never improve my life because of where he plays basketball
  • Is younger than me
  • Will not be able to bring back "Raising the Bar" on TNT (just saying)
  • Plays a game for a living, a job I wish I had if I had, say, coordination
So instead of indundating yourself with more coverage of this stuff, try:
  • Kama sutra
  • Watching Toy Story 3 (I haven't seen it yet, but everyone cries in the theater, from what I've heard)
  • Reading one of those Old Testament books in the Bible but this time don't skip the whole "So and so begat so and so." And then try to use the word "begat" in a conversation.
  • Flying planes for a living, at least until you get picked to be on a reality dating show, where you propose to a girl you selected from a crop of contestants, only later you turn into a fame whore, stop flying and appear to be emotionally abusive on national television.
  • Sending a text message but writing it like one of those old love letters people wrote centuries ago. No "u," "lol" or "OMG!"
  • Bottle-feeding kittens, preferably your own.
Try one of these, and I'm sure you'll forget about ol' Mr. James. Except that I just mentioned his name again. Crap.


Herding Cats said...

Yeah, I don't care about Lebron James at all, but then again, that goes for most basketball players...

Natballs said...

Knowing that you are also an avid Maxim reader... do you remember the Lebron James interview? He talks in third person. IN THIRD PERSON. What the fuck, man.

Anonymous said...

Who's Lebron James?

Andy said...

Herding- But curling players, well, that's another story.
Nat- Andy doesn't approve.
Alexis- My dad.

P said...

Here's the best way to get your mind off Lebron James . . . whoever the heck he is.

Be Scottish.

I've never heard of the dude before in my life.

Problem solved! :)

PS And I don't believe for a MINUTE that he's your dad.

Tara said...

I've read a few of your posts and plan to waste the remainder of my workweek perusing your wit and snark.

I think you're funny, etc.

Amy xxoo said...

You could also try moving to Australia ( sorry P, i've gotta vote for Australia over Scotland ).
We had one small mention him on the sports section of the news and then poof! he was gone...

Sam_I_am said...

I saw his name all over my homepage this morning, but I was trying to avoid actually reading what he did. Thanks a lot, Ms. Jackson.

Soda and Candy said...

Ways to keep your mind off Lebron James: Only have the merest foggiest notion of who he is. Two of my male coworkers were discussing him and I was like "He's a basketball player, right?"

They forgave me on account of being a girl and a foreigner.

dominique said...

what might be even more brilliant is to never care about lebron james, because you probably didn't before, kind of like the world cup...

but these are excellent ideas for what to do on a rainy saturday, which, coincidentally, is the current state of affairs. thanks for that.

Jenners said...

I begat the Little One, who loved Toy Story 3, which had me in a puddle of tears at the end.

I could not care less about Lebron James .... not did I follow the story in any way shape or form. All my information on it was just given to me by your blog post.

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