To discuss an identity theft update

For background on my identity theft situation, check out this post.

Here's the fun-filled update on the identity theft:

You know what's a good time? Getting called by a collection agency. Evidently, my having talked with the credit card company and requesting a fraud investigation didn't prevent them from sending it on to a collection agency.

I hate how those agencies have tunnel vision about what they do. All they want is to get your money. I told them I didn't make that purchase. The lady said, "That's fine, but I'll need $15 to get you out of our agency before I can forward you to another department."

I have to pay $15 on a stolen account just so I can tell someone it's stolen? That's like sleeping with a girl just to prove to her that you don't have syphilis.

Eventually, after yelling at her (yelling! AND I'M NOT A YELLER!) that her request is both ridiculous and illogical, she got her supervisor on the phone. Funny enough, the supervisor apologized for both having called me to collect on a fraudulent account, and for asking for money. He quickly gave me the fraud investigation department number, and said his agency wouldn't be calling anymore.*

* Except they did, once more, later last night. And then the lady realized there was a note on the account to not call me.

Eventually I talked to a fraud investigator. She asked me if I had any idea how someone got my personal information.

"Do you have an ex-girlfriend who might have done it?" she asked bluntly. That must happen all the time. I was pleased she assumed I was straight, at least, and capable of having a girlfriend.

"I have lots of ex-girlfriends, but none of them are seeking vengeance that I'm aware of. Plus, they really aren't big on watches," I responded.

So she finally got the investigation officially started (the one that was promised to me last week).

And, for the icing on the stolen cake, I also got a copy of all the credit card bill for this account. My thief must be a romantic at heart. He (or she) bought the watch at the Florida department store on Feb. 11.

That must have been a really romantic night. "Ah, babe, thanks for the watch, but why does the engraving have a social security number on it?" "Shh, babe, you ask to many questions."

To discuss mistaken identity, and by mistaken, I mean stolen

I bought a watch in February.

It's a Rolex, it's got diamonds, and it's worth about $550.

Jealous?

So am I. I've never seen it or wore it.

On a related note, this blog will now be written by the Andy Shaw who bought that watch.

I can't wait to meet him. Or her, really. It could be anyone, but it sure wasn't me who went to a department store in Florida (!?!?!) and bought a diamond watch with a credit card under my name using my Social Security number.

At least, that's what I found out when the credit card company called on Friday demanding $135 immediately for the past-due bill that hadn't been paid in months and had racked up hundreds of dollars in late fees. I'm very good about keeping up with bills, so that was a surprise to me.

It was even more of a surprise when I learned the credit card was for a department store I never shop at. And even more so when the card was listed for a person by my name but with a wrong birth date and wrong street address, although it was the right town and right social security number.

Yes, that's right. My identity was stolen like hotel towels.

After quickly doing all the identity theft requisites - getting the account closed, documenting my phone calls, contacting the three major credit rating agencies, sharpening my shiv -I thought about what really angered me.

I had my identity stolen by a complete moron.

Hey, dummy, when you steal someone's identity, don't steal it from someone who is poor. And don't list the victim's cell phone number on the application so that they get called when the bill goes unpaid.

But really, I was upset that they didn't at least try to lease a BMW, buy a hot tub or invest in Google with the fake credit line. A watch? Really? Don't they have a (stolen) cell phone that tells time? Who buys diamond watches these days? Diddy?

I also am worried that they didn't at least get a good deal. Did they shop when it was on sale? I hope they at least shopped around. I'd hate to think my credit got ruined over a full-price item.

So, other than having my credit rating go in the tank the past few months, unknowingly, because of this horribly past due, unpaid bill (which should get resolved eventually), the worst outcome of all this is the hassle of getting everything repaired. Can I sue for lost time?

The problem with identity theft is that you can't change your Social Security number to protect yourself afterward like you can with an online password. It's not like I can tell the bank next time, "Yes, my new Social Security number will now be PRETTYKITTEN123*. Do you need me to spell that?"

* Note: That's not what I changed it to, so don't get any ideas. My new number is now "UNICORNGIGGLE99."

I investigated my redemption options, and the iPad does not have an app for "Seeking revenge on someone who stole your identity and didn't even do a great job by buying something cool, like an iPad."

The lesson here, readers, is to always check your credit reports, to keep your guard up, and to keep a look out for anyone wearing an overpriced, ostentatious wristwatch and then punch that @#%*#%&*@ in the face.