To discuss As Seen on TV Week: PediPaws

This kicks off As Seen on TV Week, full of product reviews, news and other stories of our favorite As Seen on TV products. Any product reviewed is something I actually own. No, this will not include Extenze. Feel free to comment on any personal stories you have with these products.

Have you ever wanted to rape a dog?
No?
Well, good, because that would be an awkward moment for both of us.
But if you wanted to find out how to do it, I've got the product for you!

That's right, it's PediPaws. Tired of taking your pet to get their nails done at the store? Worried about cutting the quick (blood vessel in nail) and spurting blood out like some Saw IX audition? Concerned about having your canine fit in with the rest of the hoity-toity bitches (female dogs, that is) on the block with their fancy outfits and groomed fur?

Well, then try this amazing product which doesn't resemble a female sex toy AT ALL! Except for the fact it kind of does and it took us several minutes to stop laughing. It even vibrates. But enough about your sexual frustrations and failed one-night stands. Let's get back to PediPaws!

This amazing product uses rotating sandpaper to file down your pet's nails. No clipping, no cutting. Just speedy grinding, not unlike what you'd see at an 18-and-over dance club.

To alleviate your concerns about putting your pet's nails in what amounts to a miniaturized ax grinder, let me give you some of instructions to help you and your skiddish pet (seriously, these are the instructions, almost verbatim, with a few strike-through comments):

"If your pet is not comfortable receiving a PediPaws pedicure... you may choose one of the following suggested approaches: Lay your pet on his stomach... Begin the undressing and heavy petting PediPaws procedure.
If your pet resists or tries to squirm away from your groin, DO NOT ALLOW IT! The struggling is only temporary No doesn't always mean no when it comes to bestiality... Be assertive. NEVER LET HIM OR HER GO! Or at least until the cops come

So, you're still not convinced? Take a look at these results, which are almost visible to the naked eye and would have been better if Bailey hadn't freaked out. Speaking of naked, STOP SQUIRMING. YOU'LL LIKE THIS!
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Actual review: Not bad. When Bailey did sit still, it worked nicely and I felt more at ease than I do using clippers. His nails get scary, talon long-- I think I saw him swoop in on a squirrel, hawk-style-- so it's a decent product. 3 out of 5 stars for the pedicure, 1 out of 5 stars for the aggressive directions. I even tried it on myself: