Tuesday, April 7, 2009

To discuss As Seen on TV Week: PediPaws

This kicks off As Seen on TV Week, full of product reviews, news and other stories of our favorite As Seen on TV products. Any product reviewed is something I actually own. No, this will not include Extenze. Feel free to comment on any personal stories you have with these products.

Have you ever wanted to rape a dog?
Well, good, because that would be an awkward moment for both of us.
But if you wanted to find out how to do it, I've got the product for you!

That's right, it's PediPaws. Tired of taking your pet to get their nails done at the store? Worried about cutting the quick (blood vessel in nail) and spurting blood out like some Saw IX audition? Concerned about having your canine fit in with the rest of the hoity-toity bitches (female dogs, that is) on the block with their fancy outfits and groomed fur?

Well, then try this amazing product which doesn't resemble a female sex toy AT ALL! Except for the fact it kind of does and it took us several minutes to stop laughing. It even vibrates. But enough about your sexual frustrations and failed one-night stands. Let's get back to PediPaws!

This amazing product uses rotating sandpaper to file down your pet's nails. No clipping, no cutting. Just speedy grinding, not unlike what you'd see at an 18-and-over dance club.

To alleviate your concerns about putting your pet's nails in what amounts to a miniaturized ax grinder, let me give you some of instructions to help you and your skiddish pet (seriously, these are the instructions, almost verbatim, with a few strike-through comments):

"If your pet is not comfortable receiving a PediPaws pedicure... you may choose one of the following suggested approaches: Lay your pet on his stomach... Begin the undressing and heavy petting PediPaws procedure.
If your pet resists or tries to squirm away from your groin, DO NOT ALLOW IT! The struggling is only temporary No doesn't always mean no when it comes to bestiality... Be assertive. NEVER LET HIM OR HER GO! Or at least until the cops come

So, you're still not convinced? Take a look at these results, which are almost visible to the naked eye and would have been better if Bailey hadn't freaked out. Speaking of naked, STOP SQUIRMING. YOU'LL LIKE THIS!
Actual review: Not bad. When Bailey did sit still, it worked nicely and I felt more at ease than I do using clippers. His nails get scary, talon long-- I think I saw him swoop in on a squirrel, hawk-style-- so it's a decent product. 3 out of 5 stars for the pedicure, 1 out of 5 stars for the aggressive directions. I even tried it on myself:


Amy xxoo said...

Poor little Bailey.... how could you subject him to such embarrassing family photos? Leave the dog some dignity Andy!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA You know, I bought one of these but haven't had the balls to try it yet... but after viewing your oh-so-instructional photos I think I just might have to toss some batteries in and go! ;) Thanks for the review!

Laid Back Lion said...

your OTT reviews make this blog amazing. lol

Ben said...

HA! The first picture damn near killed me. So it's worth checking out, for real?

Sam_I_am said...

now, try that with a 98 pound pee-er. Yeah. I know. My mom bought that for her dog, but wanted me to practice using it first, so she made Chance and Narnia the guinea pigs. My lucky pups. Chance was a little bitch at forst (as usual), but he submitted quickly for the treat in my hand. I had to pin Narnia to the ground, and she's almost as long as I am, so it was interesting. She freaked out and I didn't feel like getting peed on, so she still has long nails. Chance's are pretty though.

Heather said...

I've been wondering if PediPaws worked. Toby freaks out when it's time to cut his nails, which is why they're particularly talon like at the moment. And the directions lie. They don't eventually give up the squirming. At least mine doesn't. Last time I tried to trim his nails, it looked like I was wrestling a greased pig for thrity minutes. I wound up quitting. I was exhausted and had cuts all over my arms and legs. NOT COOL. At the vet's office, it takes the vet and two vet assistants to hold him down. He weighs 16 friggin' pounds! It's crazy.

Soda and Candy said...

I cannot get over that first picture of Bails, with his ears all flat and his giant wobbling anime-eyes.

Freakin' adorable.

miss minneapolis said...

My dog Otis didn't mind this thing the first time I used it on him. Then something went horribly awry without my knowledge because now when it comes out he runs & hides. Maybe he read the instructions when I wasn't looking and got freaked out?

Andy said...

XXOO- He's a sucker for fame. He'll deal.
One- I think you should give it a whirl. It'd be hard to hurt your dog... unless this was for personal use, as I'm still not convinced this isn't a self-pleasuring device.
Lion- I love your profile photo.
Ben- Yeah, it's worth a try. I used it on Bailey after I gave him a bath, so his nails were softer, and that helped, I think. I also gave him black tar heroin.
Sam- I don't know how you deal with Urine Dogs. Seriously.
Heather- I would have loved to see this on YouTube. Please make it happen. And really, wrestling a 16-pounder?
Soda- "Anime-eyes" hahahaha Oh, I'll tell him that one. As a photographer told me once, he has a very expressive face.

Kellie said...

Hahaha!!! You kill me Andy. Seriously you out did yourself on this one!

Kobe's nails get really scary, talon long too and I have cut them too short before and then I feel awful. I wonder if he would let me use the PediPaw on him...

Oh and Kobe and Bailey do look so much alike! Maybe they are half cousins or something. :)

FunnyGal KAT said...

You are braver than I. I have two small dogs, but can't imagine getting them to sit still long enough to slowly file down their nails with a vibrating emery board. It's hard enough to clip their hair.

But perhaps I could get this for the Pretend Husband? I may have to post photos of me pinning the PH down and filing his nails like you did with Bailey. Submit, PH, submit!

Lynnette Labelle said...

I wondered whether or not that product worked. Thanks for the review.

You should drop by my blog. I posted a dog video yesterday. I think you'll like it.

Lynnette Labelle

kisatrtle said...

Laugh out loud funny

Erin said...

Every single time I see the PediPaws commercial, I just laugh. There is no way in hell that I would be able to get that thing near either of the dogs without some serious limb amputation occurring.

PorkStar said...

hahahahaha this was an awesome post... i still fail to see the relevance with the sexual connotations from the begining but then again, I lack any sex drive so I dont even know what sex is either.

Jenners said...

I am so excited for this series as this one was totally hilarious. Loved it. My $19.95 is in the mail. And do I get double posts if I order now?

Miss Tiff said...

Hahaha. I kind of feel sorry for Bailey after seeing that first pic..

Anonymous said...

I've definitely questioned whether or not this was something worth dishing out the dollars for. Perhaps it is... Or I can just keep having my boyfriend cut the dog's nails (for free). Whichever.

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