To discuss advice on Facebook friend etiquette

I'm not sure of the proper etiquette in this social media situation, as I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas*. Please help:

It's getting to the point on Facebook where people who would never normally get on it - bosses of mine, for example - are now on it, and the point that it's been around long enough that people I only knew as children have now grown up and are on it.

So what do I do if one of them friend requests me?

1) Pretend I didn't hear their request, in hopes they think the request is done verbally
2) Click "Ignore" and hope they forget they asked me in the first place

3) Click "Accept" and block access to them seeing anything on my profile as if they are a child molester

4) Petition Facebook to add a new "Indifferent" button that I can click, so that they know I am acknowledging their request, but that I'm not too thrilled about it

5) Murder a kitten, as who would care about a Facebook friend request with that going on?

There is no good protocol for these situations, and yet I feel most of us have run into them. People who you never see aren't a huge issue - you can ignore them - but coworkers are another (not that I'd be dumb enough to do something like this girl). None of this applies to people you went to school with but who you barely know who now want to be your FB friend so they can see if their life turned out better than yours. We don't accept those people.

Thoughts? Concerns?

If any of you want to be my FB friend, by the way, e-mail me at wildarschase dot yahoo dot com. I promise I won't ignore you. Unless I do.

---------------------------

* And my uncle, Scar.**

** That's right, I made a Lion King joke. And guess what? Give it a few weeks and I'll be making Toy Story jokes.***

*** Somebody poisoned the waterhole.****

**** I had the Woody doll when I was a kid. That's what he said when you pulled his string.*****

****** You can't say "poisoned the waterhole" now. It's a matter of bioterrorism.

To discuss what I should teach young journalistic minds this week

On Thursday, I'll be speaking to high school kids attending a media conference at my alma mater university.

The topic: Blogging and journalism.

I'll try to drop in what I've learned, whether it's using Twitter for reporting, or writing a reality show blog to attract a different readership/get paid to watch So You Think You Can Dance.

Now, I've already dispensed social media advice to all you in the summer.

The budding journalists I talk to this week can only pray my advice is just as sage when I speak to them.

Since you won't be there, here are some of my possible words of advice:

1. Don't believe all the hype about "the Internet." People love holding an unwieldy and bulky newspaper. There's something about the lack of Google searchability and timeliness that readers just love. I mean, everyone was doom-and-gloom over postal mail when e-mail invented, and look how that turned out!
   
2. Interested in podcasting? Instead of doing clips about the day's hot news topics, try spicing things up. Listeners would much rather hear whether you agree with Esquire magazine naming Kate Beckinsale the sexiest woman alive* than they would about your views on property tax reform. Or, converge the two to get the most listeners. "In a meeting last night, the board members said 'insurance costs have caused us to inflate tax increases.' Speaking of 'caused us to inflate' ... Kate Beckinsale."
   
3. Leave the news to the bloggers. Sure, you might say they have limited access to sources, a lack of training on how to write a cohesive, fact-checked story, and a lack of understanding of how news is put together. But their unvalidated opinions still have lots of moxie! And when people get their news, they'll take moxie over accuracy and/or objectiveness anytime.
4. Use your official newspaper Twitter account to trash talk sources. They won't be mad because you're just being so darn cutting edge using your social media to reach readers. Hey, everyone knows Twitter wasn't popular until news talk shows did feature segments on it. You control fads! While you're at it, young journalist, use your new-found power to bring back Trapper Keepers. They're the shiz!
   
5. Petition Facebook to allow you to add attribution to your status updates, so people will know that you verified your state of being. If you tell me you are "in a relationship," I want to know it's "according to my girlfriend." If you are "It's complicated" I want to feel confident that it's "according to my sister's bisexual husband who 'accidentally' felt me up and I kinda liked it but then remember he used to be a she who liked he's and she's but now just she's since he's a he" Attribution, attribution, attribution.
   

* While I can't disagree in theory- Kate Beckinsale is crazy attractive- doesn't Esquire really mean, "The sexiest white female celebrity actor and/or singer"? It's not like Esquire searched the earth finding the sexiest woman; for instance, my girlfriend, despite being uber-sexy, was not considered. Were any of you?

To discuss a Weekend Update: Visually speaking, it's the king

Do you remember all that social media training I had last week? It's time to show off what I learned.

Here, in a new format (special for this week), is the Weekend Update, highlighting the trip I took with Capricorn to King of Prussia, Pa., site of the largest mall in the country.
Let me know if you like the format (it takes a second to adjust to it), which is from Vuvox. If you hate it, I'll make sure someone is fired on my production staff.
Use your cursor to adjust the speed, and click on all the glowing thingies. They're magical, and contain all the witty banter.



Here's the link to the collage if you have problems viewing it.

To discuss social media training for all of you

Dear blog readers:

I have a gift for you today. It is the gift of ESPN hottie Erin Andrews' nude video. No, just kidding. Just wanted to put that in there to disappoint porn seekers. Sorry, boys. You'll just have to make due with reruns of Step-by-Step and Boy Meets World and pray it's the later episodes when Al and Topanga got hot.

No, my gift is free training on how to use social media, from Facebook to Twitter. You see, I got such training at work yesterday, and I feel it is my duty as an American to shop at Walmart and love the first two Mighty Ducks moviesto educate those in need.

I guess you all will just have to suffice instead.

Here's practical advice on how to use some of the most popular social media tools. Please feel free to dispense your own advice:

Twitter:- When retweeting (RT, as it's called), it's preferential to RT your own tweets. That way, people really know you mean business. For full effect, RT yourself three times and drive it home.
- If a strange woman named Holly, Natasha or Candy want to follow you, and they are following 3,000 people but no one is following them, do not be alarmed about spam. They are just givers, by nature. If you want, they'll give it all to you for about $2.99 a minute, or 140 characters at a time.*
- All of us want to have maximum follower counts. I'm up over 150 myself. You, too, can easily do this, by doing it the WildARSChase way: Beg, stalk and appear overly friendly. It may also improve your chances if you put a photo of a beloved Muppet as your icon. Or your cleavage. Or a beloved Muppet's cleavage, as I can't imagine someone not following a user with a Miss Piggy teet shot.

Facebook:
- I cannot stress this enough. Please, please, PLEASE with cherries on top, keep your status as updated as possible. I will not friend someone who does not let me know the duration and effectiveness of their bowel movements, nor will I comment on a status that does not frequently remind me the person is bored. I need to know your bored, so then I can say, "yeah me 2" and then we can both be lame together.
- Send as many Facebook apps to as many people as possible. People love getting useless apps. It's like Christmas, but the gifts are free and the remorse is fleeting. It's even better when you send them to people you only kinda talked to in high school but are now FB friends with, because they love knowing you'll take the time to send them an app request, but can't bother to ask how they are doing. Sharing apps is caring.
- Understand that if you like a guy/girl, they will be checking your photos. Please use this as an opportunity to add even more embarrassing shots of you falling down drunk, closing your eyes when the shot is taken, having a bad hair day or anything that involves a walk of shame. Potential lovers will flock to your honesty, just as soon as they get rid of the image of you puking in a parking lot.
- A true Facebook user will analyze every relationship status change of every friend. Use Twitter to quickly spread gossip and rumors about changes from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to "single." You may be doing the couple a favor by expediting the process through libel and slander. They'll thank you later, perhaps with a friend request!

StumbleUpon/Del.icio.us
- Please refrain from referring others to sites that everyone knows are awesome. Use this as a chance to highlight rare finds, like a porn site you can't get enough of that offers hard-to-legally-find bestiality clips, or the social networking site for recovering goths. You'll be lauded by peers.
- Keep respected sites on their toes by giving them negative reviews. It will amaze fellow users how you found problems with popular sites that no one else seemed to care about. Tell ESPN.com it doesn't offer enough table tennis coverage. You'll be the toast of the town, and respected by all two of your StumbleUpon friends.

MySpace
- No amount of background theme and illegible white on white text is enough. Readers of your MySpace page want to work hard to read what you have to say, so add wild photos as the background, make all of your font translucent.
- Please join a bazillion groups to show you have a wide palette, ranging from alcoholism to loving that one show you saw a few times as a kid.
- Write in ALL CAPS. SOME MIGHT SAY IT'S ANNOYING. I SAY IT CLEARLY SHOWS WHO'S THE BOSS AND WHO COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THAT CAPS LOCK LIGHT.
- You have a moral obligation to MySpace stalk people who don't know you look at their profile photos. It's what our Founding Fathers would have done. Ben Franklin totally would have MySpace stalked his mistress. He would have invented MySpace, too.

Friendster
- No matter what people tell you, continue using this site and tell the world, "Screw you and your MySpace." It's only a matter of time before Facebook users realize their mistakes and come back.


AOL Instant Messenger

- AOL, do me a solid and discontinue my account. I'm afraid I have an away message up from when I last logged in that probably says I'm off to prom. Thanks.




Tinyurl.com/Bit.ly

- Anyone can shorten their url once. But you, blogger, can shorten your shorterned url! Save your readers both time and brain cells by doubling up. Or, try a triple shortener, and go from this: http://wildarschase.blogspot.com to this: http://tinyurl.com/wac to this: /

Ning.com's 20 Something Blogger's group
- Buck the trend. Be the 45-year-old cougar in the 20-something group, and the men will flock to you like a Trekkie to Comic Con. Bonus points if you have your 20-something-year-old child add you as a friend.
- Too many 20-something bloggers write about things people are age relate to: drinking, being broke, reality tv, the Tori vs. Kelly Saved by the Bell years. Why not tackle a different age, like knitting, Vietnam or propery taxes? Consider yourself ahead of the trend.

Feedburner:
- Refuse to offer your feed in an easily accessible manner. Make people work for it, like dangling a carrot from a stick. Hide the RSS link in a post no one read about your feelings on health care reform.

They'll be so happy to have found it, finally, that they just won't be able to containg themselves from ripping you apart through all your entries!

ICQ
Keep on keepin' on. It's not dead until you and millions of Twitter users say it is.



--------------------------------------------

* Some guys can only last 20 characters though. That's known as premature characterization.

If you want to actually follow me on these various things, go to the sidebar. Or, if you're using your RSS reader, well aren't you just something? At least follow me @wildarschase and celebrate your technological proclivities.