Thursday, August 28, 2008

To discuss answering the prayers of Google searchers

Dear Google search dudes and dudettes:
I feel both indebted to you and worried for you. Last week, because of your voracious keyword searches, you sent my visitor totals sky high, likely directly causing a hole in the ozone layer that won't soon be repaired through diligent car pooling and recycling. I appreciate that effort, even if you left terribly disappointed by my blog not having the answers or nudity you sought.
To make it up to you, I thought I'd try to answer some of questions posed and provide some of the content you were looking for. I'm just that type of guy.* The following are all actual Google searches that led people to WildARSChase.
  • "How to Make Vending Machines Accept Fake Money" Excellent question. First, go to the bank. Hand them a dollar bill. Ask for the most fake looking U.S. (or Aussie, for reader AmyXXOO and friends) currency available. The teller, without hesitating, will hand you a shiny gold Sacagawea dollar. You will smile, knowing that nothing could be more fake looking that the U.S. Treasury trying to pass off a gold coin with an Indian guide on it as real currency. Next, go to your nearest vending machine. Shove that golden dollar in with gusto, mucho gusto (that's right. I just threw word play and random Spanish in there. That lesson comes free of charge).
  • "Needed to pee" This one worries me. You needed to pee, but you were doing Google searches? Fortunately, the answer is easy. Find a toilet. Lower your pants. Wait for golden relief. Call the doctor if it burns a little.
  • "Synchronized gangsta swimsuits" I'm not quite sure those are real things. But, not wanting to disappoint, I'll hazard a guess. Perhaps that means you're looking for the U.S. mens' swimming relay team's Speedos, with a blue flag hanging out the backside, but only on the left side, because, as Snoop Dogg informed us, that's the Crip side.
  • "Alicia Sacramone boob size" Bigger than yours, smaller than Aubrey Pocket's.**
  • "Alicia Sacramone's boyfriend" See Me, That's.
  • "Does James Franco have a Facebook page?" Even if he does, will he really add you as his friend? Better question: If he does, does he use the bumper sticker application? What would his bumper say? "My best work was in Freaks and Geeks, and that ain't bad."
  • "Girlicious spandex" I can't help you here. The fact you want photos of that terrible girl band Girlicious in spandex is an indictment on your taste. What you meant to look for is Danity Kane in spandex. I forgive you.
* I'm also the type of guy that owns a tiny dog, multiple suits, watches "What Not to Wear" and buys low-fat ice cream. Do you still want to be friends?
** I wonder if I can start a trend by repeatedly calling Aubrey from Danity Kane "Aubrey Pocket." I think I'll keep doing it until she wears a sweatshirt or a sweater or something.

For the people who are reading my blog regularly, on purpose: You do know I'm not paying you, right? But anyway, thanks for coming back again and again. To reward you, I have a special co-blog post for tomorrow, which is right around my one month blogaversary. Technically, it's Sept. 1, but you'll all be punch drunk with Labor Day frivolity (do they have something similar to Labor Day in Australia, AmyXXOO?) by then, so I figured I'd get it out tomorrow. It will help unravel some of the mystery about me by getting answers straight from a woman who knows me best (It's not Oprah or the Virgin Mary).


alexis said...

I have a blog-question, since you're one of the other ones that have blogger.

How the eff do I see how people are finding ME? I have no clue! Can you help a sista out?

I didn't think I was stupid until I started blogging...

elle michelle said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're *not* paying us? Good thing your last post on old school TV shows was pure brilliance. I'll stick around a while longer.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not sure those exist." I just spit out my coffee. And now it's on my pants. Thanks.

Amanda. said...

Oh Google. How my
heart oozes with delight
from the sweet lil' search
engine. (Yes. I'm a dork.)

And pshhh. To think.
I thought the Blessed
Mother was going to
pay us a visit on your
blog. I am SO bummed
right now.

Miss Tiff said...

You got to love google search engine.

Here I was hoping the answers were going to be coming from the virgin mary. Damn, I'll read it anyways. Lol.

bex said...

i assume what your google searchers wanted was to see YOU in a synchronized gangsta swimsuit. because that's what i want to see.

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