Wednesday, August 13, 2008

To discuss the box store hot scale

Things are looking up financially (by that, I mean my dad gave me $20 and the government hasn't figured out a way to tax rape me on it yet). I also figured out the reason I was much more broke than usual this month was because I had to pay my 2007 car property tax bill from Connecticut (by that, I mean the government DID find a way to tax rape me, a person who no longer lives in Connecticut).
I decided to go grocery shopping today after realizing my cupboards were more barren than the Virgin Mary's womb before God knocked her up with my Lord and Savior. The thought was that I'd spend on the cheap to avoid having to scrape for change at the end of the month for Little Debbie snack cakes (Little Debbie- are you planning to pay me for all of this free advertising?).
So I went to Dollar General for some basic stuff, then a nearby K-Mart for a few other things, then considered going to Wal-mart for another item.
And that has reminded me of the box store hot scale.
There are few things in life more reliable than the level of hotness of women shopping in a chain store, such as Wal-mart or Target. Just like the merchandise, you know what to expect when you walk in. See for yourself.
Starting from the bottom (written to guys, but ladies, please read on):
  1. Dollar stores: Although there is an occasional hotness surprise (hey, you're shopping there that day too, aren't you?), mostly you are going to find women searching for their baby's daddy. They may or may not own a properly fitting brassiere, and will often refer to the special education child following them as a "brat," or "bastard," depending on the child's need for a new $1 toy. There may be times where a Dollar Store girl looks appetizing to you, but remember that A) Dollar store merchandise looks good on the rack, but when you take it home to use it, you remember it cost a dollar for a reason, B) You're a lonely, lonely man, and C) There's a good chance she's using dollar store contraception, which lead to the aforementioned bastard child.
  2. Wal-mart: Sheer quantity is the name of the game here. There are always people in Wal-mart, no matter what the hours. There's a greater likelihood that teeth will all be accounted for, but there's just as good of a chance that she'll be wearing a neon pink sports bra as a top with flannel pants accentuating her ample bottom. She is probably, however, a cheap date. And made in China. Woo her with promises to roll back prices.
  3. Target: Maybe it's all the red everywhere, but I've seen some extremely hot women in Target. Now, most of them are soccer moms (and that's fine with me; I don't discriminate), but there are also many college girls trying to make their dorm "cute." Stick around the kitchen or furniture section and you'll probably run into some attractive possibilities wearing capris and shirts touting made-up sports teams. You can joke with them about saying Target with a French accent (tar-shea). They will think you're a loser, but hey, there's always Wal-mart.
  4. Whole Foods: Let's assume for a moment you're an attractive man with a charming personality and money to spend. Or, in other words, let's assume you're not me. Whole Foods is your mecca. Because you might never see so many attractive women in your life as when you walk into this organic foods store. In Greenwich, CT, I saw supermodel Stephanie Seymour in there, for one.These women want it fresh and all natural- give it to them (fruits and vegetables, that is).
Does this sound about right?


Anonymous said...

yepp. that is about right. i was one of the target girls. it helped that my roomie in college worked there - even more savings!!!

Amanda. said...

What about the gal
who is a little of
all four?

Because. Um. The Dollar
Store is great. For
stupid items. And ehh...
it's cheap. Score.

Wal-Mart...well, I use
to like Wal-Mart a lot
more before they went
and built a big Super one.
Now it's just confusing,
overly crowded...yet still
remains to lack the proper
customer service. (My friends
and I did not get hired there
a few summer back, however.)
We decided it was because we
were overly qualified. Ya'know...
with being American, young, in
high school, and a personality.

Target. I feel sexy just
walking into that place.
I don't quite know why, but
it's a little orgasmic fo'sho.

And while I do enjoy some
delicious products
from Whole Foods...I think
it's much more of a trend
these days. As if shopping there
instantly puts you on some
elite level. PAHLEESE.

And oh. . .
Mr. Andy. . .
I think your list
can go the same for
dudes as well.
Minus the birth control,
pink sports bra, and soccer
mom references.

Andy said...

Amanda, I'll spot you that one. These rules likely can go for guys and girls, but I don't happen to check out guys, so I'll just trust your opinion. Whole Foods is definitely overrated, as well.
I feel sexy walking into Target, too. I think they should have a red carpet at the entrance.

Anonymous said...

You're going to get me fired for laughing so hard that I spit coffee onto my unsuspecting boss. In other news, you're quickly becoming one of my favorite blogs.

And FYI, my Target in Hollywood has a red carpet. To some it may just look like an ordinary industrial size red rug, but you know, details.

BOBS O LOBS said...

ahahaha a guy at my works says "tar-jay"

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