To discuss putting an end to this $1 donation kettle-guilt

I consider myself a charitable person.

I've sponsored a child, I've donated clothing, I've watched Ben Affleck movies ...

But I grow tired - nay, weary! - of getting asked if I would like to donate a dollar to fill-in-the-blank charity for orphans/kittens/astronauts, almost every time I check out.*

(* Actually, I would donate to astronauts if that was an option. But not kittens. They'd spend it all on catnip.)

They ask for donations at Wal-mart. They do it at the grocery store. Last night, they did it at Arby's, when all I wanted was a roast beef sandwich and a chance to briefly forget the haunting words of Fast Food Nation for just five minutes.

As I always do, I reply, "No, not today," because that's the best way I can think of to politely tell them "Eff you." I know the cashiers hate asking, too, which makes me feel uncomfortable for them.

Instead of asking all the consumers to donate $1, I'd rather have Wal-mart donate money out of their pockets (Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen designed pockets, no doubt).

Better yet, how about I be given the option to donate $1 to the cashier, who no doubt is underpaid. It feels a little ridiculous for a person who can't afford dental insurance to ask the customers for donations to another charity, doesn't it? I know one cashier who has asked me for that $1 donation for months, all the while getting more and more preggers, to the point that I am fairly certain she was being forced to work while giving birth.

Here's what it comes down to:

You know how I feel about the Salvation Army kettles. Well, this is like getting kettle-guilt year-round, but without the klick-klack of a dented bell.

To discuss the box store hot scale

Things are looking up financially (by that, I mean my dad gave me $20 and the government hasn't figured out a way to tax rape me on it yet). I also figured out the reason I was much more broke than usual this month was because I had to pay my 2007 car property tax bill from Connecticut (by that, I mean the government DID find a way to tax rape me, a person who no longer lives in Connecticut).
I decided to go grocery shopping today after realizing my cupboards were more barren than the Virgin Mary's womb before God knocked her up with my Lord and Savior. The thought was that I'd spend on the cheap to avoid having to scrape for change at the end of the month for Little Debbie snack cakes (Little Debbie- are you planning to pay me for all of this free advertising?).
So I went to Dollar General for some basic stuff, then a nearby K-Mart for a few other things, then considered going to Wal-mart for another item.
And that has reminded me of the box store hot scale.
There are few things in life more reliable than the level of hotness of women shopping in a chain store, such as Wal-mart or Target. Just like the merchandise, you know what to expect when you walk in. See for yourself.
Starting from the bottom (written to guys, but ladies, please read on):

1. Dollar stores: Although there is an occasional hotness surprise (hey, you're shopping there that day too, aren't you?), mostly you are going to find women searching for their baby's daddy. They may or may not own a properly fitting brassiere, and will often refer to the special education child following them as a "brat," or "bastard," depending on the child's need for a new $1 toy. There may be times where a Dollar Store girl looks appetizing to you, but remember that A) Dollar store merchandise looks good on the rack, but when you take it home to use it, you remember it cost a dollar for a reason, B) You're a lonely, lonely man, and C) There's a good chance she's using dollar store contraception, which lead to the aforementioned bastard child.
2. Wal-mart: Sheer quantity is the name of the game here. There are always people in Wal-mart, no matter what the hours. There's a greater likelihood that teeth will all be accounted for, but there's just as good of a chance that she'll be wearing a neon pink sports bra as a top with flannel pants accentuating her ample bottom. She is probably, however, a cheap date. And made in China. Woo her with promises to roll back prices.
   
3. Target: Maybe it's all the red everywhere, but I've seen some extremely hot women in Target. Now, most of them are soccer moms (and that's fine with me; I don't discriminate), but there are also many college girls trying to make their dorm "cute." Stick around the kitchen or furniture section and you'll probably run into some attractive possibilities wearing capris and shirts touting made-up sports teams. You can joke with them about saying Target with a French accent (tar-shea). They will think you're a loser, but hey, there's always Wal-mart.
4. Whole Foods: Let's assume for a moment you're an attractive man with a charming personality and money to spend. Or, in other words, let's assume you're not me. Whole Foods is your mecca. Because you might never see so many attractive women in your life as when you walk into this organic foods store. In Greenwich, CT, I saw supermodel Stephanie Seymour in there, for one.These women want it fresh and all natural- give it to them (fruits and vegetables, that is).

Does this sound about right?

To discuss bowling for babies...

I have no fatherly qualifications for saying this, other than watching Father of the Bride I and II (Oh, George Banks. Won't you ever learn?), but is it a smart idea to bring infants to a bowling alley?
I went bowling at Colony Park Lanes in York tonight with Adam and Rachel, whom I must mention by name because the sheer pin-obliterating beat down they put on me demands my respect and casual name-dropping. Adam at one point had five strikes in a row, and finished a game with a 199-- not the 200 he'll tell his grandkids one day in a failed attempt at respect and admiration.
Rachel frequently crushed me as well, with a combination of looks saying "oh, I'm not really that good" to let my guard down and "oh, go figure, another spare!" to make me cry inside like seeing so many dead puppies.
But we all wondered why, on glow bowling night with lasers, loud music, smoking and cursing creating a tapestry of blue collar entertainment, there were people bringing their infants. Not that I don't agree that parents of babies need to get out. But babies at the bowling alley? It's a guaranteed future bout of either emphysema, seizures, trucker mouth or a career managing Dollar General.
Of course, as usual when I bowl, there's always a little kid nearby who is smoking me. I hate those kids. Yeah, I'm talking to you "Oh I knocked down 8 pins and you only knocked down one... " I saw you.
Next time I go to the bowling alley, I'm using bumpers.
I also found out that Colony Park Lanes (using the specificity for Google search, not for free advertising) is hosting pro bowlers this month, much to the joy of Wal-mart customers. We've established that my bowling game is on par with toddlers, sure. And any person who can consistently knock down 10 pins that seem at times like a Weeble-Wobble gets some respect.
But when a young guy is growing up, does he ever tell his friends, "Sure, sure. You keep dunking on me. You keep throwing perfect spirals, and dreaming of your millions. I'm practicing knocking down the 7-10 split. There's a $2,500 check in my future (That's ALL for the top winner at the York event), and it's all mine."
I think the pro bowlers used to be Little Leaguers who couldn't cut it, so they joined the high school golf team, and couldn't cut it, so they joined the college chess team, and couldn't cut it. So, out of options, they started bowling regularly and figured out that the key to being a good bowler is... bowling regularly. Brilliant.
Do bowlers get groupies? Do they call themselves Kingpin in bed? Cause there's all kinds of possibilities there.
Hmm... I could use $2,500 right about now. And groupies.