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Monday, September 1, 2008

To discuss a canine screen play and an important announcement

A recap of a true event that happened to me this weekend...
Time: Saturday, early evening
Place: Beside Andy's apartment, the same spot where he literally ran into a yard sale
Scene: Andy's walking his chiweenie

As the crisp air of coming autumn pilfers the day's warmth (ooh, like that?), Andy, a 25/m, meanders out of his apartment building with his trusty but slightly neurotic dog, Bailey, leading the way on his leash. Andy's wearing mesh shorts and no shirt, as has been his habit in an effort to look as homeless as possible for a fully employed individual.
Andy: Bailey, can you pee fast? I've got places to go, dude. And by places to go, I mean I'm going to play volleyball for the 10,000th time.
Bailey: (turning his head slightly) Woof.
Suddenly, a black streak breaches the crest of the parking lot hill, coming full force at the two protagonists. It becomes clear that this stranger is a pit bull mix. It becomes even clearer that it's of the friendly variety, much to the delight of Andy's boxer-briefs, which were moments away from being soiled with reckless abandon.
Andy: Whoh, what is that?
Bailey isn't taking any chances. He goes into attack mode like Mike Tyson in his prime minus the rape charge and facial tattoo. Baring teeth and flailing paws, Bailey decides to take his stand.
Black Dog: (to himself) Uh, are you kidding me?
Bailey: Grrr. I'll bust a cap, yo. Grrr.
Andy can see a chain link collar on BD, but no tags. It's an orphan, and it's black, so it's only a matter of time before Madonna adopts it. Andy, fearing that BD will be forced to listen to "Ray of Light" ad nauseum, decides to help the forlorn beast. But first, he must separate BD from Bailey, who is not shaken by the fact he is a quarter BD's size. It could have something to do with the fact that Bailey is packing heat downstairs. No, seriously. It makes the girl dogs giggle.
Andy: Bailey, calm down. He's friendly... Bailey. Bailey! (He pulls Bailey back by the leash over and over. Finally, Andy picks Bailey up with one hand and hoists the small, tan dog in the air like a misplaced squirrel).
Andy decides he'll need to get rid of Bailey before he can help BD. So he quickly runs back to his apartment, drops off Bailey, who is still growling, and races back out of the apartment to search for BD.
Andy:
(Swiveling his head as he looks around) Oh, found him.
BD had run to the next set of apartment buildings and at that moment had run past a young, petite blond girl standing beside a moving truck.
Blond girl:
Is he yours?
Andy: No, no. Mine's brown and miniature-sized, like Halloween candy. I think that dog is lost. There aren't any tags.
Blond girl: (Collecting herself after losing her train of thought. Andy's rugged handsomeness is almost too much for her to handle.) Well, I hate to see a lost dog. Let's help him. (Calling inside) Hey, I'm going to get this dog. I'll be back.
Andy and Blond Girl-- who inexplicably is helping her boyfriend move in the tiniest tank top possible and has passed on the opportunity to wear a bra like, oh, every other girl would-- are now walking around trying to get BD to approach them. Eventually he does, in front of her Neighbor's Apartment. Neighbors, who also own dogs, are just getting home and see BD approaching them. Now everyone's in on the act, and BD is finally grabbed by the collar. He quietly sits and licks his crotch, causing mild envy by Andy, who has not yet learned that trick.
Blond girl: Well we can call Animal Control. They can come pick him up. Man, I'm so glad we caught him. He looks so hungry. (Blond girl leans over to pet BD, causing what's left of her fabric dignity to fall loosely away from her chest.)
Andy: (to himself) Dude, don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Her boyfriend is across the parking lot. Don't look. Crap. Ok, don't look again. Don't look again.
Blond girl soon leaves to help her boyfriend pack, and Neighbors tell Andy they'll look after the dog until Animal Control arrives. Andy smiles at his good deed for the day while also wondering if Jesus is going to be jacked because of that cleavage incident. Andy then decides the two might cancel each other out.

-------
I see a Lifetime movie being made about that. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying your Labor Day and that at least some of you have the day off, even though that means no one is at work procrastinating by reading this blog. I'm spending my off time in Baltimore with my sister. We're yard sale-ing this morning, which she promises is a verb.
I do have some great news. Next Monday, there will be an all-new feature: Question and Answer. Anything goes- you guys can submit questions through the comment section here, or click the 20-something Blogger link on the right sidebar and message me there. I'll answer anything and will try to be at least 95 percent honest. Try to keep it to a max of 2-3 questions. It can be to find out more about me, or my perspective on something, or my opinion on the best fast food French fries (Hardees).
But the real kicker is that the sensational Haute Pocket is going to be doing the feature with me the first time; she already has a sweet Q&A weekly session going that you can check out today for an idea of what's to come. The Q&A we'll have next Monday will feature Questions from readers of both blogs, answered by both of us- That means a boy and girl perspective, even though neither of us is even remotely qualified to talk on behalf of our sexes. I mean, I read Details magazine. There are few less manly things out there.
So, all this week, leave questions and I'll collect them....

3 comments:

Amy xxoo said...

A weekly Q&A session ? Freakin' awesome! I'm working on a question in my head as we speak....

hautepocket said...

Wow, uh...You've really applied the pressure. Looks like it's time to step my game up.

bex said...

boxer-briefs. nice.

(that was the take-home message i got from this.)

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