Monday, August 18, 2008

To discuss shopping, crying and my foot in my mouth

Last week was a long, long week for me. Not because it was any harder than the others, any harder than yours, any harder than Michael Phelps. It was just one of those weeks.
And so, for no particular reason other than it seemed like a good idea and it was convenient, I decided to drink alone on Friday night.
A contextual thought: I'm not a drinker. On my 21st birthday, I was the designated driver. And on my ex-fiance's 21st birthday, which may be my favorite story to tell (and one day will be told here), I was completely sober. I don't like beer (and if you say you do- Liar!). I don't like drinking anything that doesn't taste good, so that rules out drinking something just to get plastered.
Back to Friday. I bought a six-inch Subway Melt on honey oat, then walked over to the liquor store. Nobody asked for my ID, which either means it's the high schoolers favorite spot, or I'm aging faster than Amy Winehouse. While browsing the aisles, a kid who may or may not have been young enough to try out for High School Musical tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to a bottle. "Man, uh, can you tell me if this is Jagermeister?" I guess the German threw him off; He was probably looking for something called "Yeah Grr My Stir."
I didn't have the heart to lie to him and point to a bottle of Captain Morgan instead, so I told him yes so he could hurry out and drink it in a back alley, free to feel inebriated with friends, pee in public and mistakingly think a hot girl's interested in him. Should be a good night for him, indeed.
I then grabbed old standbys- Kahlua and Bailey's Irish Cream (told you I'm not a big drinker), paid and went home.
Now if you're going to drink alone, you really gotta drink alone. You have to watch a movie by yourself or some other isolated activity (I watched '21.' A review is likely coming soon). You have to look somber. And you have to have no other real purpose. I drank three huge glasses of that stuff. Another highlight of my year, brought to you by isolation and depravity.
I slept in like a college student on Saturday, until past noon, when I heard a lot of voices outside my apartment, which is in a complex. My dog, who had been holding in pee so long that kidney damage likely set in, licked my face a few times, eager to go outside. I tossed on some mesh shorts and stumbled outside.
That's when my dog ran into somebody. Because, right beside my apartment, in a huge open area, a major community yard sale (tag sale for you New England folk) was going on. And I was standing in the middle of it, half-naked, half-awake, with a dog unleashing golden kidney fury beside a table full of Hummel collectibles.
I quickly came back in, took a quick shower, and came back outside to look at all the activity.
And that's when I took an unexpected trip down nostalgia lane. A few items I found but did not purchase (tell me if you've owned these):
  • Mall Madness... I've played Mall Madness before. Several times, actually. For some unknown reason, there was a Mall Madness game inside my Chemistry classroom in high school. We played all the time instead of doing lab work. In a related incident, I got my worst grade of high school in that class. I blame it on the periodic table.
  • Dream Phone... Seems kind of antiquated now that there are cell phones, right?
  • EZ Bake Oven... That thing must cause cancer. It just has to. It can't be safe to whip up some chemical ingredients and cook it in a pink plastic deathtrap.
  • Abs of Steel... I passed on this, since I have more versatile Abs of Cotton- the fabric of our lives.
  • Clue... WTH. Did you hear that this classic board game is being revamped, with new characters? They are making everyone more modern. No more Colonel Mustard. He's now Jack Mustard, a former football player. Miss Scarlet is now a celebrity named Kasandra Scarlet* who, for Clue purposes, is essentially Paris Hilton. Mr. Green is now a black guy. And no more revolver, either. It's been replaced with another weapon- perhaps the ebola virus or an EZ Bake Oven- I didn't check.
I did, however, buy a Christmas compilation record, "Classic Noel." And I do mean record. That's how I roll.

But, oh, if that were the end of things. I had to go to the mall to use a gift certificate at Old Navy, and I ended up looking around afterward for black dress shoes. While looking through the aisles, a customer associate was helping out a middle-age Hispanic man, who also wanted black dress shoes, but didn't like the price of his favorite pair. After faking like he was going to leave twice, the associate gave him a 30 percent discount. Nice, right? You gotta make a sale, after all.
I was excited, because I was basically looking at the same kind of shoes. When I went up to check out, the same associate asked me if I found everything I needed.
Me: "Yeah, I believe so. But I was really hoping this pair would be on sale. The price is a little high for what I need."
Associate: "I don't believe these are on sale, sorry. But they're really nice."
Me: "Hmm. Don't you think you might be able to help me out a little with the price (wink wink)."
Associate: "Sorry, sir. I am not allowed to adjust the price. I can't give any discounts. Real sorry."
Me: "(Ummmmm... what?!?!) Uh, you sure?"
Associate: "Yeah, that's our rules."
Me: (Did I miss something?)
I'm a little girl, so I bought them anyway.

I also saw a hair salon nearby, so I strolled in to get a hair cut. I had been putting off a hair cut weeks, in part because I don't enjoy the hair cutting experience. There's a lot of awkward conversation, and the person is always right next to your face, and has the power to make you look like misplaced crotch.
A girl about my age took me to the chair, and as she began, I scrambled to think of conversation topics. Seeing how capital punishment and abortion would be a little over the top, I went the safe route and asked about the photos on her mirror. On the left, a buff guy held a cute looking dog.
Me: "Oh, is that your dog?"
Her: "No, that was my boyfriend's dog."
Me: (noticing a different guy in photo on right side of mirror) "Oh, who's that?"
Her: "That's my current boyfriend. The other guy on the left is my ex."
Me: (Using that old Andy charm and wit) "Well, I hope the new guy works out. You're going to run out of sides of the mirror to put boyfriends up."
.... Pause....
Her: "Well, the guy on the left is dead."
Me: (slowly inserting foot in mouth, despite her trimming by my ears)
Her: "Yeah, he died in a snowmobile accident."
Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry. When was that?"
Her: "February. The guy on the right was actually his best friend."
Me: (Oh Sweet Jesus. I'm never talking again).

So she wraps up the hair cut, which really did look nice- a mini faux hawk style (not emo though).
Me: (looking down at all the hair on the floor) "Guess I really needed a hair cut."
Her: "You look A LOT better than when you came in, that's for sure."
Uhhh...Does that mean I looked like a Wookie when I walked in? Was that a backhanded compliment? Is she still upset that I told her not to keep sleeping around beyond her dead ex-boyfriend of seven years and his best friend?

To top the weekend off, I watched "Tropic Thunder" on Sunday, which was very enjoyable, although almost uncomfortable at points because of what you're laughing at (again, review likely to come). I finished off the night watching "The Notebook." Yes, that one. With the romance. And Ryan Gosling. And Rachel McAdams (who is just gorgeous in a classical sense). That, dear friends, is one of the few movies that consistently makes me cry. I'll admit that. I'll man up to that. Because it reminds me of my grandparents, who both passed away.
When the old couple lays (lies? laid? lain?)... uh...rested together at the end, holding each other for their last living moments, man that gets me.
When my grandmother died (Alzheimer's, mostly) several years ago, my grandfather knew he wouldn't last much longer. You could tell he was only lasting as long as he needed to for her sake.
As he stood at her grave on the morning of the funeral, he said something I will never forget.
"I'll see you soon..."
And that's why I cry during The Notebook.
I need a drink.

* Good catch by Logarithmic, as I put Miss Violet initially. That's what happens when you try to type through tears.


Lia said...

I wanted to be Miss scarlett when i was little. Yes, i was a six year old hussy.

I read the book The Notebook (that sounds weird) and i cried for like 3 days! Anytime anyone said anything i would just start weeping, "they wanted to be together... *snif snif* always! *wa wa wa*"

The Logarithmic Spiral said...

Miss Violet? What version of Clue were you playing? Come on, Andy, let's get our Clue characters right. Clearly it was Miss Scarlet (like the sinful color of her dress) and clearly she was always the character I chose (even though in the very recent past when Mila was relating characters in Clue to her family, she said I looked like Mrs. Peacock. Mrs. Peacock, I say! Oh the wounds inflicted by the young and stupid)

Anyway, on a different note, drinking alone can be quite satisfactory...I always go for the Smirnoff Ice or the South African Shiraz.....

Kimberly said...

If you are going to do the whole drinking alone thing, may as well make it an opportunity to abuse your circulatory system as well:

In the blender:
Haagen Dazs coffee ice cream

Blend. Loosen pants. Drink. You may want a stick of cookie dough for dunking.

Anonymous said...

You are such a badass. (I cry during the Notebook, too.)

Andy said...

I've realized after reading your comments and my post again that I come off sounding like a 19-year-old in the midst of PMS.
Drinking alone...Sappy romantic movie... Mall Madness reference...
Crap. (Although Kimberly- that sounds like an excellent idea)
Well, at least you know I'm honest, right? Right?

Amy xxoo said...

Aside from the no interaction with any friends or family, your weekend doesnt actually sound that bad Andy. A whole raft of movies, a little shopping, a sleep in after some good drinking.....

Anonymous said...

Dude, I hate when sales associates mind-trick me into paying full price for something, even if I'd clearly made the decision ahead of time to buy it a reduced price or not at all.

All in all, sounds like a solid weekend.

Oh, yeah, and this post is pretty funny. Except for the parts that made me weep, which I had to punch myself in the face because of. Now I have a black eye. Thanks.

Miss Tiff said...

Sounds like you had an interesting weekend. I played mall madness and clue when I was little. Totally had an EZ bake oven when I was little too. That sucked about the shoe issue. You did exactly what I would have done and still bought them. Like anyone can pass up a good pair of shoes?
Aww, I totally cry during the Notebook too.

alexis said...

You watched it on ABC Family last night didn't you? I DID TOO! However, watching it this time around I thought Rachel McAdams kind of had a 5-head.

Andy said...

Alexis- You are dead on. That ABC Family gets me all the time. It was even worse when they showed Step by Step re-runs from 7-8 a.m. when I was getting ready for work.
And even if she's a five-finger forehead female, I'd still give it a go.

Josh- 1) You are probably only the second dude who has left a comment on my posts. I commend you, and at the same time, I'm worried by what that means for us. 2) Sorry I made you cry. Want some Kahlua?

Elisse said...

Andy...so you put the Kahlua and Bailey's together? Iiiinteresting.

I have to be honest and say that when I drink alone, I usually drink tequila on the rocks. Either that, or vodka and cranberry juice ;)

But I watch things like "The Break Up" or whatever Harry Potter movie is on TV at the time. Not sure what that says about me...hm.

Btw, I hate making conversation with hairdressers too! There's only so much I can think of to talk about. Once you've covered what's on the mirror, where do you go? Usually, the weather. And that's just scintillating, I'll tell you.

ANG* said...

whoa, whoa, whoa. they are re-doing the characters from clue!??!?! don't mess with perfection parker bros!

btw, did you ever play "the great museum caper" version? i may hurt someone if they mess with that too!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm not sure, either. All I know is I'm trying to shoot for a more diverse blog circle. At least a little. It's not that I mind the ladies whose blogs I read and who read my blog -- I love reading them and having them offering their female perspectives, actually -- but I don't wanna someday look at all the blogs I've been reading and find that I've immersed myself in only blogs from girls about, like, chick flicks and shoes or something. Okay, wait, bad example.

Also, I almost accidentally read your Tropic Thunder review. After a feeble attempt to scroll to the bottom before seeing anything, I ultimately clicked another link so I didn't. I'm planning on seeing it here pretty soon and I didn't wanna have anything given away, although I accidentally caught something about Tom Cruise and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Oh well.

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