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Saturday, August 16, 2008

To discuss a new feature: Co-blogging the Olympics

To help me gain a better perspective on what women are thinking, I asked a real, live girl to write an extended blog entry with me for some perspective on the Olympic games. This means obligatory Michael Phelps ogling on her part, and failed attempts on my part to sound sexy and cool.

Tracie (represented by ‘T’) and I bonded over our love of “So You Think You Can Dance.” She’s a beautie from California, and her blog, http://decade3oftracielee.blogspot.com/ is all kinds of awesome, in part because she uses the phrase “Mormon Machination Convention” in a post about her fellow Mormon bloggers. Tracie has a few words of her own: Now that I feel comfortable in this blogging environment (what I like to call "First Base"), I have decided to move onto the next step: co-blogging (what I like to call "Second Base"). I've asked my good friend Andy, who doesn't look that much different from Michael Phelps, (READ: The hot single ladies love him, the hot single guys want to be with him, and he's pretty much an unstoppable force in the state of Pennsylvania, plus he's Alicia Sacramone's boyfriend. Just ask him.), to help discuss the "hot issues" of the Olympics.
Quick sidenote- I did not ask Tracie to compare me to Michael Phelps. But God will reward her for that.
A little about me for newcomers from Tracie's site: I’m from Pennsylvania, I used to play clarinet and I’ve only been blogging for about two weeks now, so, in other words, I’ve got nothing going for me.

  1. U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team
    T: I remember watching the ’96 Olympics and begging my mom to put me in gymnastics because I wanted to be in the Olympics, too. She crushed that dream as quickly as she did my elementary cheerleading and dancing careers, thus forever cementing my status as “teacher’s pet” instead of “cool and super popular cheerleader-dancer girl”. A: I was just the opposite. I was put in gymnastics when I was really young and stayed in it for years, even when I was the only boy in the class, possibly cementing my future in metro sexuality.
    T: I vote Alicia Sacramone for "Women’s Gymnastics Poster Child ‘08." She emanates the gymnastics vibe. She has the cute little face with the high ponytail circa 1984 with the super-toned but somewhat stocky yet not in any way fat body, and I just want to pat her head and say “It’s okay, Alicia, it’s okay you lost the gold, everyone will forgive you because you’re just the cutest little thing.” Maybe one day she’ll get that coveted “Wheaties” contract U.S. Olympians lust after. Until then, she’ll have to settle (and I mean this in the nicest way, Andy) for the title of Silver Medalist/Apple of Andy’s Eye. A: I'm with you on voting Alicia poster child, if only because that means there would be posters of her available. Did you know that she became an Internet sensation the night of the team competition- and it was because of her looks. True, but sad story. It helps her case, I think, that she actually looks like a woman among girls. You know, she actually has a chest. And has had her monthly visits from Aunt Flo before (I'm talking to you, China).
  2. U.S. men’s gymnastics
    T: Does this bother anyone else? I’m anti-gymnasts-looking-at-the-television-cameras and saying hi and/or waving while at the competition. I prefer the clueless Romanians and old-school US teams who didn’t acknowledge the cameras that were shoved in their faces for the precious moments of reaction the TV director is constantly calling for. Come on, people, we want to see the focus and determination and self-discipline of gymnasts totally fixated on the competition. You make us lose a little faith with each smile into the camera, wave into the lens. We think, “Are they really focusing on the competition? Are they really mentally preparing themselves for the next event?” Maybe the ’08 men’s and women’s gymnastics teams should have focused more on the competition than the television cameras. Maybe this is the reason why we didn’t get higher than a bronze or silver in the team competition. Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
    A: No, the reason we didn't get the gold is because my gymnast girlfriend, Alicia, has the balancing skills of an inebriated clown on a tightrope, and because the Chinese male gymnasts are built in factories. I was getting tired of the U.S. male gymnasts trying to convince themselves they were competing in a more manly sport, like football, by screaming "U.S.A., baby! Number one!" over and over. Nobody is so patriotic that they need to shout out their nationality because they stuck a vault landing. If that's the case, I should start shouting "U.S.A. baby!" every time I go grocery shopping. Or change lanes. Or roll through traffic signals.
  3. Swedish wrestler throwing bronze medal on floor at ceremony:
    T: Can we say “sore loser” any louder? Can we all act our age? Can we stop acting like babies? Can we show respect for the Olympics and the other athletes? Can we be grateful that we even medaled at all? Can we be grateful we are even IN the Olympics? Can we be grateful we are living, breathing human beings without any major disabilities? Can we be GRATEFUL that we are ALIVE??????

    A: Tracie, you feeling okay? Are you a little bitter? I'll talk to your mom; maybe we can still get you in gymnastics. Will you wear one of those leotards? Better yet, will you wrestle? With me, perhaps?
  4. Swimming
    T: Four words: Michael. Phelps. Ryan. Lochte. Now, Andy, I don’t know if you’ll understand this at all, but let me be the voice for the Women of the World: I would like to take this time to publicly thank Mama Phelps and Mama Lochte for enrolling their boys in the local private swim club that spurred their fantastic careers, without which we might never see these beautiful men in Speedos/super tight body suits on a daily basis for 14 days straight.
    A: I do appreciate the women's point of view on this, although I wish when I walk around in a Speedo, I'd get the same response. I mean, the pastor told me it was a full body baptism. I don't know why those church ladies were so upset. (T: And how old were you wore a Speedo to church???) A: My fault. By Speedo, I meant wrapped in Jesus’ love. But here's what I'm trying to figure out: The gender of the swimmers. There are some (supposedly) female swimmers that, with their goggles, swimsuit and cap on, no longer look like girls. They look gender neutral. Like my recent dates. (T: Ugh, who are you dating?) A: Your mom.
  5. Michael Phelps
    T: amazing, astonishing, astounding, deiform, divine, fantastic, fantastical, godlike, idol, marvelous, miraculous, pantheon, phenomenal, prime mover, prodigious, providence, stupendous, unbelievable, wonderful, wondrous. A: Just to clarify- you think he's good? Since the Olympics began, I've realized there are many things that, unlike regular people, Michael Phelps will never do: perform a bad backstroke, sing off key, sin, eat an entire box of Thin Mints, forget an anniversary, lie, lose in an event, wear a shirt, die, or ask for directions. At least, that's what I gather from the sexually-charged gushing of the two male announcers. (T: They do seem a bit like 12 year old girls giggling and gossiping about the cute boy in the back of class).
  6. Young China girls
    T: I am so over the debates of whether or not these girls are under the age of 16. OBVIOUSLY they are (that required capital letters). China hasn’t properly disposed of the evidence. It has been reported TWICE (again with the capital) in major Chinese newspapers that He Kexin was born Jan. 1, 1994, this birth date making her too young to compete, thus making the true winners (if we are to abide by all the rules) of the Women’s Team Finals, Team USA. I say, Darn you, IOC!!! (International Olympic Committee) You need to make an investigation, force the Chinese to admit to fraud, de-throne them, make Alicia Sacramone feel better while giving the gold to the US and be on your merry way! The US Gymnastics peoples are not calling for an investigation, as following the guidelines of proper Olympic etiquette would be that they show grace and class for the Silver Medal (take a hint from them, O Mighty Wrestler from Sweden!) and not complain. China disrespects everything about the sport by falsifying ages to win the gold in their own darned country. A: You must be jacked. You forcibly used capitalization, and you used the IOC's name in vain. There's a simple solution to all this. Have one of the male gymnasts hit on one of the Chinese girls. Then, find out if that constitutes a crime. This plan will work perfectly, just as soon as you find a male gymnast that likes girls.
  7. Synchronized swimming: Who came up with this sport?
    T: If I was a feminist, I might be offended the Olympics supports a “sport” (Is it a sport? Is it REALLY a sport?) that involves pretty girls (A: Not always!) swimming in unison, wearing make-up, with smiles plastered on their faces while dancing ballet-like moves in the water. But seeing as I’m a “girly-girl” (does that make me anti-feminist?), I won’t lose any sleep over this. A: Not sure that makes you anti-feminist, Tracie, but go vote and burn a bra, just in case... There are other sports I doubt are needed in the Olympics. Did you see the white water kayaking competition? Not one of those people looked like they had control. One of the top performers actually flipped upside down. I think if any part of your Olympic experience involves you paddling for your life in a manmade river, something's wrong. Also, did you catch the women's fencing event? They looked like robotic beekeepers. And they moaned a lot. And I do mean moan. It was awkward watching it. I was waiting for them to light a cigarette after and compliment each other's thrusting.
  8. Beach volleyball
    T: We (girls) want to have bodies like Kerri and Misty and date boys like Phil, Jake and Sean. Vice-versa, Andy?
    And what is this about the “bikini debate”? Can I say this any clearer? SAND = SWIMSUITS. What was that Tracie? Oh, Sand = Swimsuits. Duh. Let the athletes wear their athletic swimsuits while playing on sand (it’s an Inter-Galactic Law that one must wear a swimsuit while biding time on or near sand-like surfaces) and let’s be done with it. There. The debate is over.

    A: Not quite right on the first point, Tracie. I'd like a body like those guys, but Kerri and Misty both have bodies like the guys, too. (T: What?? No way!! Girls, [and boys too] raise your hand if you like Kerri Walsh’s body!) A: What you just heard there were crickets. Guys don’t want to date a woman who is in much, much better shape. We get jealous easily. So either way, that works. I did appreciate that there were female cheerleaders, for no reason, at some of the women's sand volleyball events. Classy move by the Chinese.
    I think there are far more issues with the swimsuits worn by the male synchronized divers. Those were the smallest suits I've ever seen, including birthday ones (T: A little reminiscent of “Thunder from Down Under”, so say my sources). Another awkward moment. It's truly an Olympic miracle.
  9. Doping
    A: I'll start the last one. There was a Korean guy who got his medals taken away for doping. Swimming? Nope. Cycling? Nope. Try air pistol shooting. First off- you can get a medal for shooting an air pistol???? (T: I Googled it. ‘Tis true, it’s an Olympic sport) Can I get one for my Nerf gun? Second, the guy was using muscle relaxants. At what point did he have the conversation of, "You know, I just can't cut it this year. I better juice up. The sport of air pistol shooting is just getting too hard these days." T: Or maybe he was thinking, “Dictator of country will kill me unless I win an Olympic medal. Must. Use. Beta-Blocker!” What else could possibly freak him out enough to drug himself to keep from trembling? IDK, my BFF Rose?
    If shooting can be an Olympic sport, let’s take your Nerf Gun, Andy, and put it to good use in what I would like to propose as the next Olympic Sport for London Olympics 2012; a game of skill, determination, precision, and self-discipline: Nerf Jenga. Sound weird? Yes. Sound scary? Maybe for the faint of heart. Sound like a good idea? I think so.
    Step 1: Put a Jenga puzzle tower on a table.
    Step 2: Stand 6 feet away (Nerf Jenga Association regulations).
    Step 3: Take your Nerf gun.
    Step 4: Shoot out pieces one at a time, then proceed in normal Jenga manner of putting knocked out pieces on top, to build a high tower. Take turns.
    Step 5: Whoever knocks it over first, loses.
    I can testify that if you use the Nerf gun with the little round darts, it will not, I repeat, NOT knock over if you aim correctly. Trust me.

    A: I’ll take your word for it. Man, I really need to find an Olympic sport to compete in. Maybe I’ll start training for curling.
Anything we missed? Leave comments... I know there's someone out there who's got thoughts on China forcing that little girl to lip synch during the opening ceremony. And if you enjoyed the co-blog idea, let me know and I'll try to do it again in the future.

2 comments:

Amy xxoo said...

That, my friends, was absolutely, hil-hairy-ous! YOu two should send a proposal to NBC ( or whoever broadcasts the Olypmics overe there ) to have your own end of day discussion show.

I'd watch it! If it were broadcast here of course...

Melanie said...

you both NAILED it! Kudos! And re: Michael Phelps? Try living in Baltimore!!! He has been placed on such an elevated platform that I dare the mainstream media to mention his underage DUI right now!! But I jest... his accomplishment is amazing.

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