To discuss another Lump in My Ars: 2009 Predictions

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's celebration... wait, what? You didn't? It was boring/depressing/anticlimactic? That's because New Year's is overrated. You don't see us holding a massive celebration when January becomes February, or when Thursday becomes Friday. Most New Years celebrations I've been to have ended with me kissing no one, feeling awkward and wondering if Dick Clark is going to make it much longer.

But that's all in the past. It's 2009. And it's time for the second half of the Lump in the ARS co-blog with the hilarious Katie. If you missed it, here's the first half with our resolutions. Now, it's our 2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't.
(Katie will have her predictions on She's Lump)....

Andy's Predictions:

1. After Obama takes office, white Americans will grow gravely concerned about whether it's cool to call Barack "black" or if "African American" is the right term, fearful of offending minorities. Political pundits will go out of their way to avoid referencing Obama's race and come up with new P.C. terms: "Listen, Barack is doing a great job representing his people. Wait, by his people, I mean Americans, not uh, well, you know, the people that are, um, came across the ocean, um, you know, non-white... Uh, the night-colored community." The black community will laugh at us crazy crackers.

K: It is possible the black community already thinks white people are crazy crackers. Case in point: we had one crazy cracker named Bush in office for eight years. That should say enough. By the way, 19 days left of that crazy cracker.
ARS: So, you voted for McCain?
K: OK, now you are one Crazy Cracker.

2. The networks will cancel a show you like and justify it by low ratings, despite a fervent following. You'll point out that "According to Jim," Gary Unmarried" and "Ghost Whisperer" are still on the air despite all logic against them. Oh, and "E.R." will miraculously come back for another season after NBC's failed medical reality drama, "The Real Proctologists of Orange County," sucks ass. Literally.

K: I have to disagree about "The Real Proctologists of Orange County." I think that show would do very well. It would be like "Dr. 90210" except the Proctologist is googly-eyed over a piece of ass instead of boobs. Because I hate it when men are googly-eyed over my boobs.
ARS: At least men aren't Googling your boobs. That would be a whole 'nother issue.

3. Gas will go above $3 again because of (insert unreasonable, dumb reason here: Slowed production in the Gulf/Terrorists in the Middle East/OPEC restrictions/Wall Street brokers peeing themselves in fear). We will all complain about it.

K: Hell yes I will complain.
ARS: At least $4 gas helped moms realize they don't need to drive Hummers to pick up the kids.

4. A Hollywood megastar will die in some tragic accident, making the world weep and gnash its teeth. There will be tributes and celebrations of the actor's work in movies, as even their worst stuff becomes "great examples of acting" because the dude is dead now. Awards will be given posthumously, and books will be written. Exceptions: Keanu Reeves and Tara Reid.

K: If you're talking about Freddie Prinze Jr., then I'm coming to Pennsylvania (um, that's where you're from right?) and kicking your ass for that one.
ARS: No, I'm from Jersey *quickly hides PA driver's license and points to the right*

5. Jim and Pam will finally have their wedding on The Office, but Michael will screw it up when he tries to take over for the preacher. Jim will do that quirky mouth thing. Stanley will roll his eyes. Meredith will sleep with the preacher. Andy will serenade everyone with "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid. Dwight will tell Phyliss to lay off the cake. Sarah Palin will guest star as the preacher. "Do I now pronounce you man and wife? You betcha."

K: I'm probably going to get shot for this, but I don't watch The Office. However, I do find Steve Carell strangely attractive.
ARS: That's alright, because I don't watch Lost, 24, Mad Men, or most other buzzworthy shows. I prefer stuff that is likely to be canceled.
K: I've never even seen those shows either. See, I watch too much reality TV, man.

To discuss a Lump in My ARS co-blog: Our 2009 Resolutions We Promise to Break Any Day Now

I'll let you catch your breath while you recover from the colorful graphic. It's practically USA Today up in this mother.

On the eve of the New Year, I couldn't pass up the chance to list the resolutions I have absolutely no chance of completing successfully. But, rather than simply list my failures like I've done in the past, I joined forces Jedi-style with Katie of She's Lump to make this a more in-depth post. And by in-depth, I mean lots of perverted jokes and references to pop culture. We only make one or two references to child molesters, so I consider it a success.

Today is Part 1- My resolutions are here, and hers is posted on her site... It's more colorful language than usual- I promised Lump I'd curse. She promised not to emasculate me too much.
Tomorrow is Part 2- "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't."
Let's get this party started...

Andy's Resolutions:

1. I will keep my apartment neat and tidy so that Capricorn and I aren't forced to frequently stop mid-sentence, look around and say, "We really need to clean today." This should last for a good two to three months, until we become lazy and rationalize that at least it's better than a frat house and there's still a clear path to the bathroom.
K: I think you may need a "Just in Case you need an Excuse to Party" poster and a super soaker (see her resolutions). Dude, I will bring the beer.

2. I will keep up with exercising a few times a week to make my body look good while I'm still young enough to keep my body looking good without the need for crash dieting and Chuck Norris exercise equipment. If I fail at this, I'll limit my moping to no more than three pints of Ben and Jerry's. A night. For a week. I'll also stop trying to run faster and longer on the treadmill than the guy next to me, especially if he is from an African country that ends with a vowel.
K: Instead of running a marathon on the treadmill to keep your body looking good, you could always take Kung Fu like me. I mean, check out my last Kung Fu photo and blog post. One commenter said I look like a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Oh wait, having a seven year old body isn't really considered "looking good" is it? Unless you're Michael Jackson.
ARS: Or a Chinese gymnast.

3. I will not lose my motivation for my career in the fall like I do every year, leading to months of searching online for jobs that require no experience, little time and pay six figures so that I can pursue my interest in professional karaoke singing. Instead, I'll be satisfied with the well-established, successful career I already have, since I have yet to hear back from that Kenyan prince and his offer to have me manage his finances if I just make the first deposit of $5,000 in an offshore account.
K: You probably haven't heard back from this Kenyan Prince because you haven't deposited $5,000 yet. You ever think about that? Do you want to borrow some money? Well, tough shit.
ARS: Not even, say, 10 bucks? I'm so broke right now, I have to take doggie bags home from McDonalds. I'm one traumatic event away from blowing people in a back alley for a Twinkie and some quarters. It's the price you pay... for balloon animals.

4. I will try food I've never tasted, visit a city I've never heard of, watch a reality show I've never seen, and talk to a person I've never met. When that leads to me vomiting, getting lost, losing IQ points and getting abducted and featured on Dateline, I'll blog about it and pretend I intended for all that to happen for the greater good of comedy.
K: You know, that would be hilarious. Give me a shout out on Dateline, will ya?
ARS: Weren't you already on there? I thought I saw you in some dude's kitchen during that To Catch a Predator series.

5. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. (If I keep repeating it, I think it may come true... wait a second... if that's the case...) I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out. I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out....
K: OK, not going to Banana Republic is a piece of cake, Andy. I want to see you not spend any money on Banana Republic garb. And every night I will say a little prayer for you in hopes that will help Natalie Portman and Capricorn to get it on. Hey, what are friends for?
ARS: $10 loans. Now where's my money?
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Don't forget to come back tomorrow (after you take an Advil for that hangover) to read our "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't"

To discuss a Wild Bloggy Blog: We've Got Major Game in the Rookie Waterboy Mighty Blue Stick Sandlot League

Did you think my Top Christmas movies poll would be the most significant tome of movie reviews ever assembled? (Man, I hope not, or you set the bar low.) Well, feast your Festivus eyes on this:
The hilarious, witty and altogether manly Joshlos of It's a Bloggy Blog World has teamed up with me for what can only be described using an epic-ly long blog title.
We've assembled the Top 10 (Plus 2) Sports Movies of Our Generation-- our generation being that of 20-something dudes, so don't get mad that Bull Durham and Field of Dreams didn't make the cut. We were still sucking thumbs and eating crayons back then (and some yesterday, but I stopped after I heard magenta is high in cholesterol). This is a list we hope sparks controversy and a few forest fires.
We also freely acknowledge that most of our readers are women, so we hope you ladies have seen at least a few of these. And if you are a dude reading this, can you please come out of the woodwork? It's not often I have a guy-themed blog post. I write about America's Next Top Model, for God's sake. Luckily, Josh is adding some man fuel (yeah, that didn't sound right) to Wild ARS Chase.
The first half, plus my bonus pick, is here. The second half, plus his bonus pick, is now posted. Merry Christmas...
(Joshlos is in italics, I'm in bold. The picks are in random order)
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A League Of Their Own: Joshlos: True story: for a U.S. History class in college, one of my friends and I got permission to watch this movie and write a paper about it instead of movies like Glory, Saving Private Ryan, and the other suggested items.
I'll take Tom Hanks nailing a kid in the face with a baseball glove over realistic, historical war violence any day. But not over cartoonish, over-the-top, non-historical action movie violence. The Terminator wasn't on our list, though, and I don't think I could've sold that to the prof. The movie wasn't so bad, though, even if it did exceed Hollywood's sappiness requirements. Then again, it was essentially The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Stirrups.
ARS: This is a must-see. Madonna, before she went all Kabbalah. Rosie O'Donnell, before she went all View arch nemesis. Lori Petty, before she went all Tank Girl. I think it's a bona fide good movie, with classic lines like "There's no crying in baseball."


Mighty Ducks: ARS: Only the first one. None of this knuckle-puck nonsense. This is about Emilio Estevez regaining his glory by taking down his old coach, Jack Reilly of the Hawks, with a bunch of ragtag players and one fine performance from the guy from Dawson's Creek. This movie is so good, it spawned an actual NHL franchise (No, seriously, it did).
Joshlos: "Are we Ducks or what?" I remember that from my ol' skool church youth group days from a lock-in one time. Apparently some of group watched that at one point overnight and were so loopy from lack of sleep that they kept saying it over and over again until the next morning.
Some decided to keep the saying going for weeks afterward, thereby sorta making me resent the movie, which I'd previously loved before the lock-in. Aside from Major League, it's still probably my favorite "ragtag team comes together and succeeds" movie. As a kid, though, I always thought it was odd that Emilio Estevez wore such small skates. It wasn't until later that I learned all male Hollywood actors are only 5' 4".
ARS: Oh, you watched Disney movies during church lock-ins? I made out with girls. Coincidentally, I'm also going to hell.

Blue Chips: Joshlos: I don't like this movie for how good it is. Rather, I like this movie for how awful it is. Terrible acting from all but maybe two actors in the movie --- and they were only supporting roles. Nick Nolte misses the mark --- even if he did have a fun, "Bulworth"-like honesty breakdown at the end. Shaq, although entertaining in a few scenes, wasn't good. And Anfernee Hardaway may have turned in the worst acting job ever. He should get an award for how awful he was. One redeeming quality: the character names were classic, all the way from the minor characters --- Slick, Happy, Tony, Freddie, Jack --- to the major ones: Coach Pete Bell, Ricky Roe, Butch McRae, and, of course, Neon Bodeaux.
ARS: I am so glad you included this movie. Neon! Oh, what a name. Yes, Penny was a terrible actor. Shaq could barely mumble his sentences. And there was even a token white guy basketball player. It's everything you don't want in a basketball movie, which makes it all the more worthwhile to watch.

Stick It: Joshlos: I hate gymnastics. As a result, I wasn't talking about it this past Olympic season, and thus, also not fortunate enough to gain readers who were googling "Alicia Sacramone crotch shot." However, this movie's awesome. Well, the diner scene dialogue was a little clunky, but other than that, it's pretty hilarious. I'd have definitely watched the Olympics this year if all the opposing gymnasts would've gotten together ahead of time to decide which of them would actually compete in a given event, just to stick it* to the judges and their wack judging. Especially if it resulted a hip hop balance beam routine. Oh, and Missy Peregrym is hot.
ARS: Yes, you really missed out on the Sacramone action during the Olympics. Almost all of my visitors were searching for her girl parts. So... I did gymnastics for years as a kid. I'll admit that. But I can't say I've seen Stick It. Missy Peregrym is hot, I'll give you that; plus, it has the hot hostess from "Waiting."... But a hip hop balance beam routine? Is this like Save the Last Gymnast? I'll spot you this one, and put it on my list of things to watch, right between "Godfather Part II" and "Raging Bull."

The Sandlot: ARS: Wendy Freakin Peffercorn. And baseball. And George Herman Ruth. And fireworks. And James Earl Jones. And "You're killing me Smalls."
Joshlos: All I'm sayin' is that if I had a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth, and I had kids in the house, that bad boy would be locked up where the kids couldn't get to it. But a solid choice... I think a lot of guys can remember back to when they were that age and played neighborhood baseball, even if they didn't have a true sandlot. The movie captures a lot of that experience, right down to the part about losing baseballs in yards with dogs.


Wildcard:
Hardball: ARS: Keanu Reeves' finest acting performance. I only say that with a hint of sarcasm. Keanu plays a dude with a gambling problem who is forced to coach a team of misfit black kids (I'm beginning to send that the only way misfit kids get coached is if a white guy develops a drinking problem or gets arrested for banging a hooker). A little kid gets shot and dies-- DIES!-- in this movie (spoiler much?), and they play my all-time favorite rap song, "Big Poppa" over and over. It's heartwarming, and Diane Lane's fine cougar self is in it.

To discuss the No Ordinary ARS Chase co-blog. Enter: Men. Exit: Legends

For the intro to this co-blog event on advice for manly men from a gay guy and a metrosexual dude, check yesterday's post....As a caveat for regular readers here, this is a little spicier than my normal stuff. And yet, you'll read on anyway, because you're a little devil. I like that...

Okay, Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster goes first with his advice... Again, B is for Ben, A is for Andy.

B: First off, and this one's a little self-serving, be comfortable with your sexuality. This means being open to doing less than macho things. Investing in her interests does not make you gay no matter how much your single, loser buddies suggest it might. Trust me, going for a romantic evening stroll with your lady doesn't make her forget that you have a penis (I think this might be the first time that word has been used on my blog).

A: I've always said, doing girly things doesn't make you gay. Making out with other guys makes you gay. (B: I did not know this). So man up, fellas. If you're dating the lady, you don't need to prove you're a man's man by scoffing at romantic stuff. Being a considerate, romantic guy willing to be vulnerable is what really makes you a man's man. And chest hair, which I do not have (B: Ironically women seem to like knowing that you CAN grow chest hair but would rather you didn't have any at all like Zac Effron. I can only assume this means that all women are child predators)…And congrats on using an adult word, Ben.

B: Second, much like the first, being pleasant to her gay friends ups your appeal by about 85%. Don't you know that not liking gay people these days is like not liking puppies? THAT MEANS YOU CALIFORNIA. Seriously. (A: So, to be clear here, are you a little bitter? B: Meh. I can get married 'til the cows come home up here) Being cool with her gay friend dropping the occasional flirt in your direction reminds her that you're so attractive that men are into you. That makes you a valuable commodity. In laymen's terms, YOU GET NAUGHTY TIME!

A: And by naughty time, he means that activity your parents did to create you… Anyway, this is an interesting point. Really, you should try to at least be friendly with her friends. She wants to know you are cool with the important people in her life- straight, gay, transsexual, robot or character on The Hills. (B: Actually, it's your duty as a human being to punch any character on The Hills in the face if given the chance).

I know I haven't had problems getting along with gay guys. They love me. A lot. Thank you, Connecticut- I got asked out by more gay guys than straight girls. (B: Do you want to grab a coffee sometime? A: (awkward silence, then subtle nod))

B: Third, make her feel sexy on a regular basis. Just telling her how hot she is when you want to get some is tragically transparent. If you make her feel as sexy as you know she is on a regular basis, her confidence, excitement and playfulness will skyrocket. This means REAL kisses – none of that junior high school crap - for no reason, looking her in the eye and telling her something about her that gives you dirty thoughts, and other simple gestures. Just three a day would make a HUGE difference!

A: Man, in junior high school the only kissing I was doing involved CPR dummies, and they only want you to touch their lips after 15 thrusts to the chest (that's what she said). (B: Yeah…I did no kissing until university. But I hear other people were cool in Junior High…) But, really, any way to make your lady or potential lady feel attractive is a good thing. Notice her high heels, notice her new hairstyle, notice a cute thing she does when no one is looking… it's all good.

B: Okay, for the last one let's blow honesty out of the water here. (A: We're not past that point yet?) You know sex, right? (A: I heard about it on the school bus once) Sex, generally speaking, is about pleasuring both parties. What if – and I'm going to take this slow so I don't lose you – one time you make it entirely about her? Yes, you might have to take care of yourself that once, but she'll remember that night and you'll get your pay-off and then some. I promise…

A: I think we could extend this premise to the relationship as a whole. (B: Nope. Just sex….just kidding. Or am I??) Instead of making each time together about what you want to do or a compromise neither person really wants, try one time, without her suggesting anything, to set up an entire day all about her. Whatever she's said she's always wanted to do, you make it happen. The key is to not make it a big deal you are doing this. Just do it, not expecting anything, and you will reap everything.

B: And by 'reap' he means 'sex'. And by 'everything' he means 'HER UP'!

I'm sorry.

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A: My half of advice giving, the dramatic conclusion to our three-day, epic co-blogging series, will be on Ben's site later today. Please check it out, as my ego is fragile and prone to bruising, much like a peach or an Olsen twin's skeleton.

Also, there will be a TV Play-by-Play of America's Next Top Model season finale posted today on here...If you missed last week's episode/post, check here... And if you had problems commenting last night, I fixed the issue, so try again.

To discuss an Intro to Co-Blog Infamy: No Ordinary ARS Chase

Legend:
A: Andy from Wild ARS Chase
B: Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster

Legendary:
Our combined skills of the mind and raw sexual energy.

B: Tomorrow is the glorious day that two man-bloggers unite in their quest to educate the foolish for the greater good of all womankind! We are handing out advice on how to please your woman. Our credentials? Well, as a strapping, well-spoken young man, Andy is in the midst of a blossoming new relationship, a.k.a. the honeymoon period where men still go out of their way to keep you happy.

A: That sounds about right. I'm still in that ga-ga stage where the hearts pops out of my eyes like Pepe Le Pew. Also, I have the past experience of a 3-plus year relationship that ended in engagement, and scores of failed relationships that are mostly my fault. So, yeah, I know the ladies. And I read all the metro men's magazines and have a Banana Republic Visa card.

B: Those exist? I, on the other hand, being the dashingly dapper young homo that I am, grew up surrounded by beautiful women drawn to me like a moth to a 'mo...I mean flamer...I mean flame. God. I think we all know by now that us gay men know how to please us some ladies. Amiright? Of course I am.

A: Sadly, you likely know better than the straight guys how to please the ladies, and yet you prefer to use your captivating charms on other dudes, who don't look nearly as good naked.

B: Debatable.

A: But yes, you've got good qualifications.

B: Let's pause for all the new readers to digest the facts revealed in the introduction. Let's pause again for them to clue in that 'the newf' is not, in fact, a Newfoundland dog but rather a human being with adorable dimples.

A: The mystery of 'the newf' is revealed. You can already tell this co-blog is going places not seen since the Muppets took freaking Manhattan.

B: Make sure you check here at Andy's blog tomorrow morning for the first half of our recommendations and then you can come back in the afternoon and read the other half over here. AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER.

A: No seriously. Do it. We time-bombed this thing like a Mission Impossible dossier.

To discuss a portent of fun things to come, plus Saved by the Bell

As alluded to before, this is going to be a very fun week on Wild ARS.
Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster fame, of Canadian fame, of Dream Date fame, of dachshund blog fame, is doing a co-blog with me. We promise to be good*.

Because nothing about either of us is small (insert high school joke here), we are rolling out a massive three-day series on both of our sites that may one day rival Homer's The Odyssey.

Today, there's a taste. Tomorrow, an appetizer, including two Dream Dates. And Thursday, we cap it off with a co-blog full of advice for men much manlier than us.
Excited? You bet your blog we are... We're already planning on taking a weekend trip to the Bahamas with his newf and my Capricorn based on the royalties we'll receive from all the extra blog traffic.... You know, just as soon as we figure out how to make money off this thing. Until then, your comments will suffice as payment.**

This is a little something Ben and I wrote, imagining what would happen if the Saved by the Bell class reunited for a new episode today...
We call it, "What if? Saved by the Bell: The Reunion Years."

Scene 1: Zack is in trouble again. He doesn't have his science project done. Usually, Screech would help him out with this, but he's busy trying to get his pro wrestling career underway. Desperate, Zack goes to Jessie's house. Jessie is "so excited and so scared" to help Zack. They agree that Jessie will help Zack do his project if Zack will manage Jessie's showgirl career.

Scene 2: At the Max, Slater says he quitting the wrestling team, which catches Lisa and Kelly by surprise. He says he wants to pursue a career as a professional dancer. Lisa reminds Slater he didn't win Dancing with the Stars. Slater reminds Lisa she hasn't done jack on TV since SVTB ended. Kelly sits in the corner, wearing her now too-tight cheerleading uniform but somehow still looks hot.

Scene 3: Meeting at the lockers, now filled only with outstanding bills and the business cards of agents gone by, Zack waits anxiously as Jessie unveils the science project she created for him. She passes him an unmarked DVD. Explaining that he never liked Showgirls and doesn't consider CSI: Miami to be anything to brag about, Zack pushes the disc back into Jessie's hands. When she tells him it's actually a documentary on human perversion, his interest spikes.

Enter Screech.

Zack and Jessie pause, shudder and exit stage wherever-the-hell-gets-them-away-from-Screech, DVD still in hand.

Scene 4: Lisa's crying into her chocolate milkshake, lamenting her failed life and trying to beef up her Wikipedia entry on her laptop. She curses that the two cast members who wore the shortest shorts and the most neon somehow ended up more successful than her - especially as she watches Kelly wipe Cheetos dust off her cleavage while absently gazing at Slater, who is waxing his stomach. Determined to prove herself once more, she storms off.

Scene 5:
Zack appears at the Max, where they decide they might as well make money off Screech's sex DVD, much the same way he sold Buddy Bands, Bayside Girl Calendars and other must-haves. Jessie is seen in the corner, making out with Screech in appreciation after he mentioned he let her be valedictorian, and because they both need the publicity.
Mr. Belding pops in, crying out, "Hey hey hey what is going on here?!?"
He then realizes he might be the worst principal of all time because his students skip class constantly to play pranks and are always at the Max. Sullen, he throw his hands in the air and wanders back to the set of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" for another turn as a perverted gym teacher.

Scene 6:
Slater and Lisa, sitting in the gang's booth, laugh at Zack's latest venture, then lock eyes. They both realize they have never been a couple on the show, the only possible match-up not scripted. Just before they kiss and the audience "Wooos!!!," producers step in and remind them that they can't have two minority characters date. It's too progressive. Lisa sulks.
Slater decides Kelly still looks good and woos her with stories of his hit MTV show and his racy guest spot on "Nip/Tuck."
Kelly turns him down, though. She's always loved Zack, and now he has a new show on TNT. True love conquers all.

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Come back later today for my "Quantum of Solace" review...

* Good in quality, not in taste or manners.
** We should be paying you, really. We had more fun writing all this stuff than you can imagine.

To discuss International Relations: Part 2

(Before reading this half, go to AmyXXOO's site for the first half of our co-blog on cultural stereotypes)

The following is the second half of our Americans vs. Australians stereotype lists, with this section's stereotypes done by Australian AmyXXOO. These common stereotypes may or may not be true about both countries... We hope it's your favorite (or favourite!) list of all time.

Comments by Andy are in italics, comments by AmyXXOO are in bold.

....And now, for Amy's list:

Australians:

1.All know how to wrestle crocodiles
If only this was true, because that would be fun to watch. If they had a TV show like that, Americans would watch all the time.

I can see it now - Outwit, Outlast, Out Wrestle.

2. Eat " shrimp on the barbie "
Not to be confused with eating crustaceans on a plastic doll. I'm guessing you never actually eat shrimp on the barbie, or consider it equal to us eating hot dogs- no big deal. Outback Steakhouse is to blame for this.

Outback Steakhouse is the devil! If any of you readers were actually under the impression that Outback Steakhouse is authentically Australian, you are sorely mistaken. Oh, and for the record, we don't call them shrimp - they're called prawns. Prawns, people, prawns.
For the record, they didn't call it Bubba Gump Prawns in "Forrest Gump." I'm just saying.

3. If they don't live in a major city, they must live in the "Outback."
I'm trying to think of Australian cities off the top of my head, and it's a short list. Americans are so very terrible at world geography. Uh, Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Newcastle, Kangaroo, Boomerang...I do like the idea of the "Outback." We call that the "boonies" here. Not as fun.
Wow Andy - I'm impressed you knew Newcastle which, as any good Australian knows, is home to the best rugby league team in the country (Go the Knights!). And I don't necessarily know if the Outback is all that fun (not that I've ever been there). It's kind of desolate, and dry and empty. Not exactly a barrel of monkeys, especially if you're lost out there.
I only know Newcastle because I was born in New Castle, PA, so it sticks out...So it sounds like half of your country is wasted space. Nice. Over here, we call that "Montana."

4. Are all buffed, bronzed and beach-going
At least your Olympians are that way. I'd like to date them. So, are there fat Australians? Do you put them in caves?

I'd like to date some of our Olympians too. Please? But sure, we have fat Australians. We don't put them in caves per say, we just don't feature them in glamourous tourism campaigns.
Glamourous... There you go again with your fancy spellings.

5. Have kangaroos hopping around in the streets
I imagine Australians rural roads to be overrun with kangaroos like we are overrun with deer. Most people I know in Pennsylvania have hit a deer. Have you hit a kangaroo? I'd like to take a ride in their pouch.

No, I've never hit a roo. To be honest, I don't think my little car could take it. However, I have almost hit a deer when I lived in NJ, and have run over numerous rabbits. Bunny lovers everywhere hate me.
A roo? Is that what you call them? I like that.

Americans:

1. Are stupid and/or ignorant compared to other nations
This is remarkably true in many cases, though some people are worldly. Many of our children don't score as high on tests, we have little knowledge of world events and have a tough time making independent, coherent thoughts. Other than that, we rock. And we have Gridiron.

I cannot count how many times Ivy League educated Americans asked me about crocodiles, sharks, the Opera House, the Harbour bridge and other such inane topics. I had a BBQ with some other au pairs once and an Austrian girl told me she was always getting asked about the Opera House. An Austrian girl, from Austria. Austria and Australia = two different countries people.
How is that Opera House, anyway? Also- why do families sign up to have a hot, teenage foreign girl in their house? People in Connecticut did that all the time, and I just don't understand it. Are you trying to get your husband to bang her? Cause he will. In three different languages.

2. Will always be the loudest, most obnoxious tourists in any given country
No, that would be Canadians and Germans. Just kidding. If we are obnoxious, it's because we're commenting how cute it is that you have your own little country and are trying just so gosh darn hard to live like us.

Germans are the most clinical and robotic tourists in any given country. Don't get me started on Germans.

3. Are unwaveringly patriotic

Never, ever make fun of the military here. People take it very seriously. And display an American flag outside your window with great frequency so as not to be identified as part of al Qaeda. The ironic thing is this country was founded by revolutionaries (who also owned slaves and cheated on their wives, but hey, we love our Fourth of July fireworks... which are made in China). Related note before I get shot: I do love being an American. One great thing about being an American is you are free to say how sometimes it's not great to be an American.

And I love being Australian - we reserve the right to shorten all our words, have numerous unnecessary public holidays and call everybody " mate." Ah, aint this the life?

4. Have proven time and time again to be "trigger happy"
Sometimes you have to bust a cap in someone's ass. The conundrum- people want to buy guns to protect themselves from other people with guns. But if we got rid of all the guns, then we wouldn't have that problem, except people would always believe there is someone out there to get them. Most of that is our Second Amendment right to bear arms... although that is specifically citing the need for a militia, not to defend your apartment from burglars.

You should try what we did - have a gun amnesty. Everyone voluntarily hands in their guns to the police, gun crime goes down - and stabbings and glassings go waaaaaaay up. Glassings - the new drive by.
Glassings? Wow, what a word.

5. Are in love with fast food
We are known for being overweight- which, after watching "Supersize Me," is more apparent than ever. We eat fast food all the time, knowing full well how terrible it is to consume.

Yep, you guys are fat. Sadly Australia is moving its way up on the fat-o-scale. I think we're top 5 now - go us!
------------

Big thanks to AmyXXOO for indulging me on this one...Thanks. Check out her blog regularly. You'll laugh frequently, I promise.

To discuss an order to go somewhere else, Part 1

After you are done reading the Weekend Update, head over to AmyXXOO...As I mentioned before, I wanted to tackle cultural stereotypes with a blog post, after I so rudely made a stereotype about native Australians. What better way to do that than do an "International Relatons" co-blog with an Australian who also happens to be hilarious and witty, right? Even better, we make up our own stereotypes and then confirm them with scientific research (by that I mean a few random observations with no firm facts).
So check the first half out today, with the other half coming on this blog tomorrow, U.S. Eastern time ( in Australian time, that's even sooner than you think. You better hurry).

To Discuss a Co-Blog About Romantic Hints, Plus Andy's Mancrush and Tiff's Fear of Stalkers.

Occasionally in the two-plus month history of WildARSChase, I've had another blogger get the crazy idea that they'd want to write a co-blog with me. The results have been Michael Phelpsian, if by that I mean that we achieved glory and not that we bombed on Saturday Night Live.

So far, TracieLee, my Ex-Fiance and Haute Pocket have taken the plunge. Since then, Tracie has been hired at Nike, Ex-Fiance has adopted two cats and Haute has made a major life decision to move back to Minnesota. So you see, friends, people who co-blog with me go places- sweat shop, furball and parka places.
In my brief blogging history, Miss Tiff has been one of my most frequent and supportive readers; I hope I have returned the favor her way, and I already wrote a guest post for her. This time, though, we have ventured into co-blog territory.
The topic? What guys and girls think when meeting someone of the opposite sex. The results? Lengthy (you're not really working at work, anyway), but still great.

Here we go:

The Co-Blog Post:

MT= Miss Tiff.... ARS: Wild ARS Chase

MT: OK, so I'm dying to get your take on this relationship stuff since, well, you are a guy, and I'm needing a little bit more guy perspective in some aspects of this whole dating/relationship scene.

ARS: I'm glad that my main qualifying factor is that I have a Y chromosome. Proceed.
MT: First question I gotta ask, because of what I'm going through, is why do some guys go all crazy on us gals? Seriously, any warning signs that you as a guy could give us gals? Because I know from my experience with the EX that I had no idea he was crazy until we broke up (ARS: That's actually good, because otherwise that means you dated a crazy person). Maybe if you could give us a little bit more insight on signs that he may turn crazy in the relationship, so that when it ends you could keep gals like myself from making the mistake of dating a loser like this in the first place.

ARS: Are we talking Pepe La Pew crazy, or Mark Walhberg in "Fear" crazy? That's the first thing. I'm guessing you're talking about the latter. If' that's the case, there are probably a few signs during the relationship to look out for:

1. If he always needs to know where you're going/who you're talking to... that likely means when you break up, he's not going to be used to you doing things on your own without telling him first.
2. If he isn't friends with any of his ex's, or least acquaintances, it might be because he's scared them off.
3. If he repeatedly says how he doesn't know what he would do without you, without you prompting him to do so by doing something/saying something nice... That could signify that he literally means he doesn't know what he'd do without you and is already planning how to slaughter your entire family. And by slaughter, I mean say mean things. No one needs to die. That only happens in "Fear."
   

The best thing you can do is cut the line of communication off, permanently, until he shows he can be a normal person. I do admit that guys are tougher to read than War & Peace. (MT: That's the biggest understatement I've heard in a long time.) It can be tough on our end, though.
We're always told that we need to be sweet and considerate, but we're also told not to go overboard so we don't look like freaking psychos. When you have your first few encounters with a guy, what can he do to impress you?

MT: You would be correct in assuming we are talking Mark Wahlberg in Fear crazy.

ARS: Good, because otherwise it might be Funky Bunch version of Mark Wahlberg, and that involves tighty whities.

MT: Those are some really good pointers that us gals should keep in mind. I know I will remember those, especially with all the ex stuff that I've had to go through recently which I have just finally managed to get under control with the advice you gave me a week or two ago.
I would have to agree with you that guys are really hard to read.
A lot of guys don't like to express their feelings so we (us gals) are left to try and figure out/guess what's going on with you guys. That usually never goes as well as it could if you would express your feelings better.
Guys do need to be sweet and considerate, I agree with you on that. It's not hard to be either, really it's not. When having a first few encounters with guys we like to see you guys be sweet and gentleman like. Call me kind of old fashioned about it, but opening doors, showing up with flowers, etc., always impresses me.

Also, if you have a good time with us let us know we like to know that. Because, you can bet if you don't tell us then we are wondering and we are probably over analyzing things we did. Don't you guys do the same thing if we don't tell you whether we had a good time or not?

ARS: Guilty as charged. I have to spend the rest of the night eating Ben & Jerry's and listening to Frank Sinatra.

MT: It also impresses me when a guy calls and/or texts every so often to let me know that he's thinking about me or hoping that I'm having a great day. But, and I can't stress this enough, do not go overboard with the calling/texting so much where we don't want to talk to you (like texting us ten times in one day to see what we're up to).

ARS: (Crossing that off my list) Oh yeah, that's crazy. Who would do that? Freakin' dudes.

MT: That's just crazy and will scare us off. What are some things that us gals can do to impress you during the first few encounters? What shouldn't we do?

ARS: Guys aren't as complicated as you think. Our basic thoughts when first meeting an available, cute girl run along three lines, with varying degrees of depth, depending on the situation:

1. Does she think I'm fun/funny/nice: This is the generic one that everyone wonders. We want to know that you enjoy us. Some of us go way overboard and ask every 5 minutes what you're thinking. Those guys have lack of self-esteem issues, which should be a warning sign, not a fixer-upper. We don't need you to stroke our ego all the time- we stroke enough (ego) as it is- but just realize that we want you to think we're cool.
2. Does she think I'm attractive: We are well aware that our abs do not resemble... well, those of Mark Wahlberg (Why do I keep mentioning him? I sound all mancrush. He is dreamy, though. Like in The Italian Job). (MT: That's like the third time you've mention Mark Walhberg.. I'm so calling you out on your mancrush. He is dreamy though and full of hotness.) We know that our hair isn't like that of George Clooney or Brad Pitt or even John Stamos. And many of us dress like we're auditioning for "Rent." But we do want you to think we're at least marginally attractive. So, if you do, mention it. Just once or twice, and don't make it into a big deal. It can be a small thing- eyes, biceps, molars, kidneys- but it will be enough for us to think that we're not still in "friend territory.".......Which leads to...
3. Is she putting me in freaking "friend territory": This was best explained in "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds. If we like a girl, our big fear is that she's put us in Friend Territory, which might as well be the Yukon Territory because it's just as cold and frigid for our psyche.
   

Once you're in there, it's tough to get out, which is why some of us make romantic moves we probably shouldn't, just to make it clear we don't want to be the guy you end up talking to about other guys. So, if you do like us, flirt a little. Drop a line about how you thought about us today. Use my Seven Steps to Holding Hands. Cop a feel (just seeing if you're paying attention). (MT: Did you just say cop a feel? You're joking right? Wait you aren't are you?)

And, if you think we have potential, don't talk to us about your guy problems all the time-- sometimes, yes, just not all the time. (MT: Noted. No griping about guy problems.) Because we'll eventually decide we don't want to be "the guy" you always need to complain about.

MT: OK, wait, so you're telling us that this basically boils down to those three things? If we think your fun/funny/nice, if we think you're attractive, and if we're putting you in friend territory.

ARS: It's like I'm unlocking the Ark of the Covenant, only nobody's flesh melts off like in Indiana Jones.

MT: Well, most of us gals easily show what we think about you in all of three of those areas within the first date or so. I know that I at least hint around those things. I may not come right out and say it but, do we really have to come out and say "You're hot" or something like that to get you to realize that we are digging you? If that's the case, then why don't guys come right out and tell us when they are digging us? (ARS: Did I mention guys are idiots?)
Because, sometimes you guys don't. Sometimes you guys leave us wondering what the heck is going on? Then we learn later you really do dig us and we've been stressing out over it for no reason.
A little tidbit of information that is that us girls can usually tell within the first date (if not the first date then definitely the second date) if we are going to put you in the "friend territory."
Since we got onto the subject of the "friend territory," how do guys go from being oh so into us girls to all of a sudden we're in the "friend territory" without any warning?!
Basically a lot of the whole "guys are hard to read" thing is because you tend not to talk (or hate talking) about your feelings about anything when it comes to relationships. So why is it guys don't tend to tell us what is on their minds? You all know that us gals will almost always tell you what's going on with us. But, guys tend to shut gals out. Why is that?

ARS: Well, that's not how it works. We are shrouds of mystery, like James Bond, but without the martini, weapon, and impeccable suits.(MT: Did you just try and compare all guys to James Bond? *rolls eyes* Right, go on.) Guys aren't as likely to come straight out and say they like you-- I would, but I'm not the usual. But think of it this way: If a guy calls you several times, wants to know what you're up to on the weekend and often mentions how he wants to go do something but wishes he had someone to go with, he probably likes you. Subtle. Very subtle.

It's likely a defense mechanism to protect us, because we're not very good at detecting if you like us or not, so we don't want to put ourselves out on a limb. Did I mention that guys make no sense? (MT: No but the whole female population myself included already knows that. No big surprise there.)
So here's the final question, then. If a guy is going to give you a compliment, would you rather it be about your personality, your looks or your lifestyle (your clothes/car/home/hobbies)?

MT: So, basically you guys aren't more obvious about liking us because you're not good at detecting if we like you or not. Actually that kind of makes sense because a few of us gals do the same thing. We don't like to put ourselves out on a limb that often either because it can result in getting hurt. Each girl is different as to what she would like to receive compliments about.

But, I'm sure quite a few of us love it when you compliment our personality and looks. It's kind of hard to really choose because we like to know that you like our personality, that you find us attractive and that you do like at least a few things about our lifestyle.
So that makes it hard to choose which we would rather be complimented on. I, myself, would probably go for personality or looks. However, like I said, it all depends on the girl. I will tell you this- we do like to receive compliments. So feel free to send them our way when ever you feel the need.

ARS: Noted. You know, I actually did watch "Just Friends" again recently with the girlfriend as a reminder of the friend zone and people missing "Hey I like you signals." You know what happens to Ryan Reynolds because of that? He gets facial lacerations, hit in the crotch, punched in the face and slapped. It pays to pay attention. (MT: That only happens in movies. Oh wait, I totally hit a guy in the crotch before. He deserved it though. So that makes it OK right?

I think the theme here, if I may be so bold as to summarize this co-blog, is that both sides need to be more forthcoming if they like somebody so we can avoid the crotch hitting and heart breaking. Agreed? Good. (MT: Totally agree both sides need to be more forthcoming to avoid those not so fun situations.)
Oh, and Mark Wahlberg. (One last reference for good luck). (MT: *Rolls Eyes*.)

To discuss sand in uncomfortable places and Alicia Sacramone

Alicia Sacramone, Alicia Sacramone, Alicia Sacramone.

(Wait for it...)
Sweet- I think my visitor total just shot up. At least, that's what I'm assuming based on the Google search phrases that led several people to my site in recent days. Let's just say they weren't looking for somewhat witty, somewhat narcissistic blog entries from a York, PA metrosexual.
Evidently, the key to increased traffic is claiming an Olympic gymnast is your girlfriend (excuse me... "Alicia Sacramone girlfriend hot sexy nude"... that should do the trick).
Although I hope those of you who Google stumbled over here stick around, I'm sure you left disappointed that I'm not actually her boyfriend (Google phrase that got them here: "Alicia Sacramone's boyfriend), that I don't have any Perez Hilton-esque shots of her (phrase: "Alicia Sacromone crotch shots") and, well, this one speaks for itself: Phrase "Sacramone still trembling from the incredible sex she had with Phelps." (???!?!)
I did appreciate another fine selection, though: Phrase "Beach volley sand in crotch." Is sand in the crotch a turn on? I'd think that'd be uncomfortable.
If any of you Googlers care to elaborate, feel free.

No big post today; I will have an eventful weekend recap (Drinking alone! EZ bake oven! Tropic Thunder!) on Monday. I do hope, though, that you can leave some feedback on my co-blog with Tracie from yesterday, at least so I know if that's something I should do again in the future, plus to hear what you think about all this Olympic madness. And Michael Phelps never having clothes on.
Oh, and a quick thank you to ABitofMissTiff, who was so kind as to nominate me for the "Kick Ass Blogger Award." At this rate, I won't need to rely on Olympic gymnasts for popularity. Take that, Google porn seekers.
Of course, the award title reminds me of those old Heluva Good sour cream dip commercials with the girl saying, "It tastes great, but it's kind of naughty to say." That's right, Tiff. You bring out the precocious, innocent 8-year-old girl in me.

To discuss a new feature: Co-blogging the Olympics

To help me gain a better perspective on what women are thinking, I asked a real, live girl to write an extended blog entry with me for some perspective on the Olympic games. This means obligatory Michael Phelps ogling on her part, and failed attempts on my part to sound sexy and cool.

Tracie (represented by ‘T’) and I bonded over our love of “So You Think You Can Dance.” She’s a beautie from California, and her blog, http://decade3oftracielee.blogspot.com/ is all kinds of awesome, in part because she uses the phrase “Mormon Machination Convention” in a post about her fellow Mormon bloggers. Tracie has a few words of her own: Now that I feel comfortable in this blogging environment (what I like to call "First Base"), I have decided to move onto the next step: co-blogging (what I like to call "Second Base"). I've asked my good friend Andy, who doesn't look that much different from Michael Phelps, (READ: The hot single ladies love him, the hot single guys want to be with him, and he's pretty much an unstoppable force in the state of Pennsylvania, plus he's Alicia Sacramone's boyfriend. Just ask him.), to help discuss the "hot issues" of the Olympics.
Quick sidenote- I did not ask Tracie to compare me to Michael Phelps. But God will reward her for that. A little about me for newcomers from Tracie's site: I’m from Pennsylvania, I used to play clarinet and I’ve only been blogging for about two weeks now, so, in other words, I’ve got nothing going for me.

1. U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team
   T: I remember watching the ’96 Olympics and begging my mom to put me in gymnastics because I wanted to be in the Olympics, too. She crushed that dream as quickly as she did my elementary cheerleading and dancing careers, thus forever cementing my status as “teacher’s pet” instead of “cool and super popular cheerleader-dancer girl”. A: I was just the opposite. I was put in gymnastics when I was really young and stayed in it for years, even when I was the only boy in the class, possibly cementing my future in metro sexuality.
   T: I vote Alicia Sacramone for "Women’s Gymnastics Poster Child ‘08." She emanates the gymnastics vibe. She has the cute little face with the high ponytail circa 1984 with the super-toned but somewhat stocky yet not in any way fat body, and I just want to pat her head and say “It’s okay, Alicia, it’s okay you lost the gold, everyone will forgive you because you’re just the cutest little thing.” Maybe one day she’ll get that coveted “Wheaties” contract U.S. Olympians lust after. Until then, she’ll have to settle (and I mean this in the nicest way, Andy) for the title of Silver Medalist/Apple of Andy’s Eye. A: I'm with you on voting Alicia poster child, if only because that means there would be posters of her available. Did you know that she became an Internet sensation the night of the team competition- and it was because of her looks. True, but sad story. It helps her case, I think, that she actually looks like a woman among girls. You know, she actually has a chest. And has had her monthly visits from Aunt Flo before (I'm talking to you, China).
2. U.S. men’s gymnastics
   T: Does this bother anyone else? I’m anti-gymnasts-looking-at-the-television-cameras and saying hi and/or waving while at the competition. I prefer the clueless Romanians and old-school US teams who didn’t acknowledge the cameras that were shoved in their faces for the precious moments of reaction the TV director is constantly calling for. Come on, people, we want to see the focus and determination and self-discipline of gymnasts totally fixated on the competition. You make us lose a little faith with each smile into the camera, wave into the lens. We think, “Are they really focusing on the competition? Are they really mentally preparing themselves for the next event?” Maybe the ’08 men’s and women’s gymnastics teams should have focused more on the competition than the television cameras. Maybe this is the reason why we didn’t get higher than a bronze or silver in the team competition. Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
   A: No, the reason we didn't get the gold is because my gymnast girlfriend, Alicia, has the balancing skills of an inebriated clown on a tightrope, and because the Chinese male gymnasts are built in factories. I was getting tired of the U.S. male gymnasts trying to convince themselves they were competing in a more manly sport, like football, by screaming "U.S.A., baby! Number one!" over and over. Nobody is so patriotic that they need to shout out their nationality because they stuck a vault landing. If that's the case, I should start shouting "U.S.A. baby!" every time I go grocery shopping. Or change lanes. Or roll through traffic signals.
3. Swedish wrestler throwing bronze medal on floor at ceremony:
   T: Can we say “sore loser” any louder? Can we all act our age? Can we stop acting like babies? Can we show respect for the Olympics and the other athletes? Can we be grateful that we even medaled at all? Can we be grateful we are even IN the Olympics? Can we be grateful we are living, breathing human beings without any major disabilities? Can we be GRATEFUL that we are ALIVE??????
   A: Tracie, you feeling okay? Are you a little bitter? I'll talk to your mom; maybe we can still get you in gymnastics. Will you wear one of those leotards? Better yet, will you wrestle? With me, perhaps?
4. Swimming
   T: Four words: Michael. Phelps. Ryan. Lochte. Now, Andy, I don’t know if you’ll understand this at all, but let me be the voice for the Women of the World: I would like to take this time to publicly thank Mama Phelps and Mama Lochte for enrolling their boys in the local private swim club that spurred their fantastic careers, without which we might never see these beautiful men in Speedos/super tight body suits on a daily basis for 14 days straight.
   A: I do appreciate the women's point of view on this, although I wish when I walk around in a Speedo, I'd get the same response. I mean, the pastor told me it was a full body baptism. I don't know why those church ladies were so upset. (T: And how old were you wore a Speedo to church???) A: My fault. By Speedo, I meant wrapped in Jesus’ love. But here's what I'm trying to figure out: The gender of the swimmers. There are some (supposedly) female swimmers that, with their goggles, swimsuit and cap on, no longer look like girls. They look gender neutral. Like my recent dates. (T: Ugh, who are you dating?) A: Your mom.
5. Michael Phelps
   T: amazing, astonishing, astounding, deiform, divine, fantastic, fantastical, godlike, idol, marvelous, miraculous, pantheon, phenomenal, prime mover, prodigious, providence, stupendous, unbelievable, wonderful, wondrous. A: Just to clarify- you think he's good? Since the Olympics began, I've realized there are many things that, unlike regular people, Michael Phelps will never do: perform a bad backstroke, sing off key, sin, eat an entire box of Thin Mints, forget an anniversary, lie, lose in an event, wear a shirt, die, or ask for directions. At least, that's what I gather from the sexually-charged gushing of the two male announcers. (T: They do seem a bit like 12 year old girls giggling and gossiping about the cute boy in the back of class).
6. Young China girls
   T: I am so over the debates of whether or not these girls are under the age of 16. OBVIOUSLY they are (that required capital letters). China hasn’t properly disposed of the evidence. It has been reported TWICE (again with the capital) in major Chinese newspapers that He Kexin was born Jan. 1, 1994, this birth date making her too young to compete, thus making the true winners (if we are to abide by all the rules) of the Women’s Team Finals, Team USA. I say, Darn you, IOC!!! (International Olympic Committee) You need to make an investigation, force the Chinese to admit to fraud, de-throne them, make Alicia Sacramone feel better while giving the gold to the US and be on your merry way! The US Gymnastics peoples are not calling for an investigation, as following the guidelines of proper Olympic etiquette would be that they show grace and class for the Silver Medal (take a hint from them, O Mighty Wrestler from Sweden!) and not complain. China disrespects everything about the sport by falsifying ages to win the gold in their own darned country. A: You must be jacked. You forcibly used capitalization, and you used the IOC's name in vain. There's a simple solution to all this. Have one of the male gymnasts hit on one of the Chinese girls. Then, find out if that constitutes a crime. This plan will work perfectly, just as soon as you find a male gymnast that likes girls.
7. Synchronized swimming: Who came up with this sport?
   T: If I was a feminist, I might be offended the Olympics supports a “sport” (Is it a sport? Is it REALLY a sport?) that involves pretty girls (A: Not always!) swimming in unison, wearing make-up, with smiles plastered on their faces while dancing ballet-like moves in the water. But seeing as I’m a “girly-girl” (does that make me anti-feminist?), I won’t lose any sleep over this. A: Not sure that makes you anti-feminist, Tracie, but go vote and burn a bra, just in case... There are other sports I doubt are needed in the Olympics. Did you see the white water kayaking competition? Not one of those people looked like they had control. One of the top performers actually flipped upside down. I think if any part of your Olympic experience involves you paddling for your life in a manmade river, something's wrong. Also, did you catch the women's fencing event? They looked like robotic beekeepers. And they moaned a lot. And I do mean moan. It was awkward watching it. I was waiting for them to light a cigarette after and compliment each other's thrusting.
8. Beach volleyball
   T: We (girls) want to have bodies like Kerri and Misty and date boys like Phil, Jake and Sean. Vice-versa, Andy?
   And what is this about the “bikini debate”? Can I say this any clearer? SAND = SWIMSUITS. What was that Tracie? Oh, Sand = Swimsuits. Duh. Let the athletes wear their athletic swimsuits while playing on sand (it’s an Inter-Galactic Law that one must wear a swimsuit while biding time on or near sand-like surfaces) and let’s be done with it. There. The debate is over.
   A: Not quite right on the first point, Tracie. I'd like a body like those guys, but Kerri and Misty both have bodies like the guys, too. (T: What?? No way!! Girls, [and boys too] raise your hand if you like Kerri Walsh’s body!) A: What you just heard there were crickets. Guys don’t want to date a woman who is in much, much better shape. We get jealous easily. So either way, that works. I did appreciate that there were female cheerleaders, for no reason, at some of the women's sand volleyball events. Classy move by the Chinese.
   I think there are far more issues with the swimsuits worn by the male synchronized divers. Those were the smallest suits I've ever seen, including birthday ones (T: A little reminiscent of “Thunder from Down Under”, so say my sources). Another awkward moment. It's truly an Olympic miracle.
   
9. Doping
   A: I'll start the last one. There was a Korean guy who got his medals taken away for doping. Swimming? Nope. Cycling? Nope. Try air pistol shooting. First off- you can get a medal for shooting an air pistol???? (T: I Googled it. ‘Tis true, it’s an Olympic sport) Can I get one for my Nerf gun? Second, the guy was using muscle relaxants. At what point did he have the conversation of, "You know, I just can't cut it this year. I better juice up. The sport of air pistol shooting is just getting too hard these days." T: Or maybe he was thinking, “Dictator of country will kill me unless I win an Olympic medal. Must. Use. Beta-Blocker!” What else could possibly freak him out enough to drug himself to keep from trembling? IDK, my BFF Rose?
   If shooting can be an Olympic sport, let’s take your Nerf Gun, Andy, and put it to good use in what I would like to propose as the next Olympic Sport for London Olympics 2012; a game of skill, determination, precision, and self-discipline: Nerf Jenga. Sound weird? Yes. Sound scary? Maybe for the faint of heart. Sound like a good idea? I think so.
   Step 1: Put a Jenga puzzle tower on a table.
   Step 2: Stand 6 feet away (Nerf Jenga Association regulations).
   Step 3: Take your Nerf gun.
   Step 4: Shoot out pieces one at a time, then proceed in normal Jenga manner of putting knocked out pieces on top, to build a high tower. Take turns.
   Step 5: Whoever knocks it over first, loses.
   I can testify that if you use the Nerf gun with the little round darts, it will not, I repeat, NOT knock over if you aim correctly. Trust me.
   A: I’ll take your word for it. Man, I really need to find an Olympic sport to compete in. Maybe I’ll start training for curling.

Anything we missed? Leave comments... I know there's someone out there who's got thoughts on China forcing that little girl to lip synch during the opening ceremony. And if you enjoyed the co-blog idea, let me know and I'll try to do it again in the future.