Thursday, August 14, 2008

To discuss rounding the bases and pets on a leash

There are many things about my middle school and high school years I don't remember clearly: early morning basketball practices, study halls, stabbing a lecherous hobo... that kind of stuff.
But I also just realized, after a discussion with a few others, what the guidelines are now for the four bases of intimacy.
You know which bases I'm talking about, because I'm sure some of you have trotted around them a time or two, and some have spent more time crossing home plate than the Yankees. The bases are the fodder of teenage talk, when you tried to determine how far you had gone with a guy or girl or teacher (as the case may be).
So, I'm looking for some reminders here. I don't know if this varies by region, but since I've got people checking this blog from all over, I figure we'll get some good insight. Feel free to correct me:
  • First base is kissing. I think you can slip your tongue past the goalie and still be on first base, but others may be more strict.
  • Second base is fondling, or, an even funnier word, petting. I love when news outlets use the phrase "heavy petting," as if boobs should be put on a leash. Actually, not a terrible idea, although I guess that means my boys would have to be put on a leash, too. In a land of metaphors, that's not far from my reality, anyway.
  • Third base involves mouth to crotch. I think this has to be one of the more obvious ones, but still, there's one hell of a gap between second and third, isn't there? I feel like there should be a mid-base in between, where the shortstop would be. But that would make the analogy too difficult, and all people are trying to do is screw like rabbits, so let's not slow it down.
  • Home is the daddy maker. It's when the third base coach gives the windmill arm to wave you in for sexual congress. Although, I do know there are a lot of guys who race home even when the coach has the stop sign up. Those guys are called bastards.
Does this sound about right? Did you ever talk about what base you were on? What do people in England do- is there a good cricket analogy?
I can think of some good variations, too. For strict Christians, first base is asking the girl's father for permission to talk to her, second base is winking, third base is holding her hand and home is reading Song of Solomon. For prostitutes, first base is... uh, sex.
Quick notes:
* If you leave a comment on my posts, I'm doing my best to check out your blog, too. I've been told that's how it works. Of course, when I read your blog, I get jealous and cry the bitter tears of inadequacy. But I'm going to frequently mention sweet posts I've found, such as this one by Cindypoe. She uses the phrase "white knuckling the ibuprofen bottle," and it's glorious.
* I couldn't be happier with the feedback I've gotten so far, so I appreciate that. Wednesday was a personal best for visitors and page views, although that might be because I called pre-teen Chinese gymnasts whores and I referenced Google-friendly Wal-mart. But, I'm still pleased, and I've got some good ideas coming up, including a possible sordid co-blog entry with my ex-fiance!
* Thanks for the support of those who were behind me declaring that Alicia on the U.S. gymnastics team is my new girlfriend, even though she totally screwed the team out of a gold. I think the two of us have a real future, once she stops letting my country down and stops chalking her hands during intimate situations.


Anonymous said...

then what is, um, how do i put this lightly... fingering and hand jobs? bc those are the bases i was mostly playing around in highschool. tmi? sorry. congrats on a personal best! :)

Andy said...

I think that's the mythical base between second and third, although likely more on second.
Congrats on being the first to make a sexually-charged comment- this post will likely be rated NC-17 soon.

Elisse said...

I feel the need to pipe up and slightly - or, entirely - disagree with the "strict Christian" girl's view of "the bases." It's not nearly THAT difficult or repressed, I promise! (At least not for THIS Christian girl!)

Then again, maybe I don't fall into what you mean by "strict Christian" as a result. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Since you run back and forth between two sets of wickets (or something like that) I don't know if cricket would translate. But the fastest games take three hours. Some of them go on for days.
The bats are bigger though.

This is not useful information.

Andy said...

Elisse- Excellent point, although not one I hadn't already considered as a church goer myself (that's the trouble with sarcasm). I've met Christian girls who have all sorts of variations, for sure. So, maybe I'll say Quakers? Does that help?

Ironmaiden: That is 10 times more than I ever knew about cricket.

Elisse said...

Again, second time this week - my apologies. I can usually recognize sarcasm when I see it. I must be having an off day.

I should just stop leaving comments, it seems!

Anonymous said...
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Miss Tiff said...

Damn it.. Wanderingtex took my question I was going to ask! I agree those guys that just race home when the stop sign is up are bastards and all everyone is concerned with is bumping uglies.

Oh and by the way no need of tears of inadequacy over other people's blogs because yours is great!

Amy xxoo said...

We Australian type people use the " bases " aswell, although i'm pretty sure its because we only picked up off some American movie, possibly in the 80's ( shout outs to " Pretty in Pink " and " Sixteen Candles " ).

And Shieldmaiden is right - cricket analogies totally dont work here. Unless we went off the point scoring system:

Golden duck ( a scor of zero ) - being totally shut down by the guy/girl your chasing.

A single ( one run ) - kissing
A double ( two runs ) - fondling
A boundary ( four runs ) - mouth to crouch, as you quite subtley put it
A six ( uh, six runs ) - equivalent to the home run, it'd be sex

Andy said...

man, you guys have had some good comments (except the anonymous one I had to delete, cause, well, you gotta leave a name... especially if you're using the f-bomb. God has to know who to smite)...
Amy, you are dead on with your cricket analogy. I'm also trusting you because you're Australian and much more likely to know how cricket is played. Golden duck? Really? I thought that was the Chinese restaurant down the road.

Anonymous said...

Hmm yeah I'd have to say those sound like the bases :)

Sarah said...

after reading these comments there seems to be more than four bases...maybe they should have gone with an octagon shape instead of a diamond.

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