To discuss a Cosmo review: April 2010

What do you think convinced Lady Gaga to do an issue of Cosmopolitan? As if she would ever follow any of the advice they have in there. I mean, look at one of the cover headlines: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." Since one of the options isn't "Perform live at an awards show," why would she listen?

Anyway, here's the Cosmopolitan April 2010 review. As always, don't read this if Cosmo (or Lady Gaga) offends you.

• Cosmo Bachelor Search 2010: Nominate a guy to be Bachelor of the Year. Is Jake Pavelka still eligible, or do we have to wait until he officially breaks up with Vienna?
• Cover subject Lady Gaga:: "I wanted to sleep with as many rock 'n' roll guys as I could, and I've certainly had my fun." Holy crap, was she on Rock of Love Bus and I missed it? And what part of sleeping with a bunch of rockers sounds like a healthy decision? Her private parts are probably a petri dish.
  
• Gaga: "I'd tell any new boyfriend to hang on because it's going to be a bumpy ride." ... Why? Because in the middle of sex your bra would gouge his eye? Or because in the middle of sex you'd decide you don't like boys anymore?

• OK, these JC Penney ads are getting more and more ridiculous. Am I shopping at the wrong JC Penney, or is there a secret slutty one guys aren't allowed to know about? And at what point did JC Penney ad models get hotter than Victoria's Secret models?
• Guy confessions: A guy giving a PowerPoint presentation at work using his iPhone is embarrassed when "private" photos he had sent to his girlfriend popped up on the screen. How many run-of-the-mill sitcoms do people need to watch before realizing that it's never a good idea to keep personal photos in the same folder/phone as the one you're using for a PowerPoint? Although you'd think by this point Microsoft would have invented a PowerPoint update that automatically scans photos for boobs and penises before it's shown on screen.
• Fun Fearless Fashion: Wearing denim-on-denim: Cosmo says it's now socially acceptable to wear a denim top and denim pants and denim shoes. But that denim thong can get really itchy ...
  
• Sexy vs. Skanky: A quick smooch (Amanda Seyfriend/Dominic Cooper) vs. A long tongue wrestle (Janice Dickinson and her bf). That just makes me miss the days of Janice on "America's Next Top Model," even if it looks like she's trying to recreate a scene from "Species."
• The 5 Best Compliments You Can Give Him: 'Cha-ching' when he's successful at work; 'Hahahaha' when he cracks a joke... or 'I've never seen one that long and big!' when he ... crochets a scarf.
• The Sex Article We Can't Describe On the Cover: As it turns out, Cosmo CAN be shamed... they couldn't put the words "oral sex" on the cover because it's "too shocking" to some... and yet they can put "Find Your G-Spot" and "Speak His Sex Language" on the cover. But oral sex? Heavens no!
• How to Appear Crazy and Neurotic: Oops, I don't think I got the article's title right. But who can blame me, when Cosmo advises women to touch a new guy they meet five times within every 15 minutes ... because guys love it when a girl is so into their conversation, she's timing out her physical contact.
  
• A new ABC Family original movie: 'Beauty & The Briefcase' starring Hilary Duff: Hilary plays a girl who lands a big assignment from Cosmo where she has to date a bunch of guys and write about it. Pay no attention to the movie you saw with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey with a similar plot. Or the fact Hilary Duff keeps getting movie roles. Don't even get me started on "Raise Your Voice."
  
• Cosmo Gyno Q&A: 'My gyno gave me a rectal exam. WTF?' Dear Gyno worrier: Turn around next time. Duh.
• Rethink Your Green Routine: Advice such as pulling the plug on unused appliances and purchasing organic foods. For some reason, "Don't buy a 200-page glossy magazine every month" isn't on their list of ways to save the environment. At least I'm helping you avoid that.
  

To discuss a Maxim review: February 2010

Despite being eminently popular with Google searches, I haven't had the chance to do a Maxim review lately. And then, when I finally get to do one, Amanda Bynes is on the cover. What do I have to do to get away from Amanda Bynes? First Cosmo, now this. And that cover photo looks like she just woke up at an all-night study session that ended in a half-naked mistake. Oh well. It's the February 2010 Maxim review. Don't read on if you're offended by Maxim, scandalous photo links or Tiger Woods jokes.

• Reader letter: "Your models always wear the sexiest panties. Luckily my girlfriend puts me in charge of buying all her intimates. Where can i buy the stuff your ladies wear?" Let me translate: "OMG you guys, I want to buy panties just like the ones on your models. For, um, my *cough* girlfriend *cough*. Can I get them online so no one has to see me buy them?"
• Five Airlines That Cater to Your Every Vice: Porn- Alaska Airlines is one of the only wi-fi equipped airlines that does not block inappropriate content. So besides the crying baby, the morbidly obese seatmate, the loud cell phone talker and the snorer, I now have to deal with "party in his pants" guy? I hope he's not the one sitting beside the emergency exit, or "open the hatch" will be too many entendres to handle.
• Women of the World: Camila Tavare. I'm including this NSFW link for all the Google sexytime searchers, who, we now know, are going to view her near-naked picture while on Alaska Airlines. Camila may be incredibly sexy, but she's 20 years old. Which means she could have been born in 1990. Andddddddd flaccid.
• Michelle Branch was in Maxim? Whose next, Vanessa Carlton?
• Happy Valentine's Day... The world's sappiest holiday is the best night of the year for no-strings sex ... "Something about the fact that it was Valentine's Day made me feel way sluttier than normal," said Jenny, 25. And now the mystery is solved. We now know who gets all those "For a good time call..." messages in rest stop bathrooms. It's Jenny.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: OK, not to get too graphic, but the (non-nude) sheer dress in this photo makes it look like she has cameltoe. And, in a fun fact, did you know Nick Cannon was on "All That" with Amanda? Neither did Mariah. Mariah is going to stab that bitch.
• Bynes: ""Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now." The Olsen twins are legal, too, but that still makes it creepy.
  
• Tiger's temptress: A photo spread with Tiger's mistress, Jaimee Grubbs. Jaimee says her first time with Tiger was "passionate and sweet." That sound you heard was Elin smashing an eight iron on Tiger's golf cart. BTW, Jaimee is not an attractive woman. Why has this not been brought up?
  
• 31 Things You Absolutely Did Not Need to Know: Snippets from real celeb autobiographies. Sarah Palin "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Actually, he made them out of carbon, but why get technical. Carbon tastes delicious after a 20 minutes on the grill.
  
• For my British readers: London native Keeley Hazell, who is famous for being a Page 3 Girl (a semi-nude model) in The Sun newspaper. Clearly, I'm working at the wrong type of newspaper. Keeley says her big chest causes big backaches. This assuredly is true, but Maxim readers probably don't want to her busty girls say there back hurts. What's next, that girls don't like going down on guys?

To discuss a Cosmo review: January 2010

I'm confused by the January edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. It promises me 100 percent hotter sex ... which is impossible, because that means you were having 0% sex before. That means you were either getting it on with the Virgin Mary (and in that case, you may be Jesus' dad), or you are confused and thought having sex involved mommy and daddy and a stork.

But, because of all of you, I will read on and give you all the insight you need, saving you time and money in the process. There may even be a Maxim review on the way, too.

Side note: As part of my New Year's resolutions, I'm hoping to get an article published in a magazine at some point. I am confident I've got the skills to write for Cosmo, but have no idea what to pitch for a story. Ideas are welcome. I wonder if I should mention in my query letter that Ben and I wrote an entire fake Cosmo?

And now on to the Cosmo review... as always, don't read this if you don't like rated-R content or were offended by my Virgin Mary joke.
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• Cosmo cover: Your Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina. Step 1: Don't call it your hoo-ha. Step 2: I've never heard a guy say, "I'd date that girl, but her hoo-ha is just not sexy enough." Never.
  
• Hot Sheet: Kissing and Telling... Ijustmadelove.com lets people brag about where they got it on. I'm not sure yet if this site is disturbing, fascinating, arousing or all of the above. For instance, this guy in my state wrote that he and his girl got it on at an elementary school playground. But he doesn't mention how old the girl is ... hmm.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: Something about her is off-putting, and I can't figure out what. Might be that she's randomly on the recent covers of both Cosmo and Maxim. Might be the fake blond hair. Might be that I remember her on "All That" when she was 11, and now she's 23 and has boobs. This must be what Bob Saget felt like looking at Jodie Sweetin.
• Sexy vs. Skanky: Mary Carey's soccer ball cleavage is skanky. Somewhere, Snookie is sniffling and confused.
• Cosmo Guy Confessions: A guy and his girlfriend picked out a vibrator to buy at a sex shop, only to be told by the cashier that was a lousy model and to choose a different one. Imagined conversation: "Oh, no, you don't want Purple Thunder. Try our most popular brand, the Tiger Woods In My Hoo-Ha."
• The Guy Report: Dumb advice he's getting- 'There's nothing worse than staring at a girl's chest. You should use your skills not to look--she'll wonder why her womanly powers don't work, and she'll subconsciously try to get you to look.' On the other hand, Cosmo spend time each month advising women to use cleavage to their advantage. Something's got to give. Maybe women should just give guys 10 uninterrupted seconds to get the staring out of the way. Or guys can show more man cleavage to even things out. Either way.
• Sexy Tips from Victoria's Secret Models, such as bending forward when fastening a bra to get extra cleavage, or wearing boy-cut hipsters to feel sexy without silly lingerie. Andy's tip: Don't wear Angel Wings into the bedroom. You'll poke an eye out, and look like a slutty Tinkerbell.
  
• Your biggest girl-on-top worries, solved: 'What if I break his penis?' Bouncing too enthusiastically and missing the target... can hurt your guy. Make sure he doesn't pull out all the way. And if you do break his penis, you'll get the bonus benefit of seeing your man cry like a little bitch.
• Does Your Man Have A Sole Sex Problem? Tell him he's seemed dissatisfied during sex... then mention that you read in Cosmo that masturbating too much can make it hard to orgasm. Yep. You should definitely tell your boyfriend that you read about his masturbating problem in Cosmo and want to help. That won't be weird for him at all.
• Make Your Own Nude: Cut out your favorite hottie's head, and attach it to our model bod to create pure naked nirvana. Why go with their obvious choices, like Robert Pattinson or Brad Pitt?
  
  

Let's think outside the box:

Naked Mr. Feeny of Boy Meets World!

Naked Peter Griffin of Family Guy!

Naked Wild ARS Chase!

To discuss a Cosmo review: December 2009

I better get this December Cosmopolitan review to you, as the January one has already hit the shelves. That, and I know you need to use the money you'd use to buy Cosmo on presents instead. You stingy minx.

In this edition, we get news on what guys want with sex (My guess: having it), weird things guys shout out during sex, and a very, very strange product for your who-who. As always, if you think Cosmo is dirty filth, don't read this.

Although everyone should check the special message at the end. It's brought to you by Christmas cheer.

And now on to the Cosmo review...

• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Hey, an appearance by Cosmo fave, Aubrey O'Day. But, as usual, it's for a "Not So Hot" moment, as they dislike her "I Love Me" shirt. Can they just make her the cover subject already? Who wouldn't want to see them try to make her sound classy?
• Sexiest photo I've seen so far is about 46 pages in. Damn you, saucy JC Penney ads, with you and your come hither lingerie models.
• Cover subject Fergie: There's a one-line mention in her feature that she was addicted to meth. There are multiple paragraphs about her husband, Josh Duhamel. Don't be jealous, meth. Josh was in "Transformers." You're only featured in MTV "True Life" documentaries.
• Cosmo makes the argument girls are more likely to dig a guy who is already in a relationship. So while you hear guys say, "The good girls are already taken," evidently the girls say, "The good guys are already taken!"
• Quick side note: While I do this review on the December issue, my girlfriend is reading the January issue. This is what makes relationships work.
• Cosmo Hot or Not: Cosmo gives special skank recognition to "The Cuchini," which hides camel toe. Not to be confused with zucchini, which is for salads and vagi... yes, just salads. P.S. We both know you clicked on that link.
• "Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals": Advice such as "The farther down your body his hands travel, the more fired up he is." Examples: If his hand is inside your pants, he is hoping to have sex with you. If his hand is by your ankles, well, get ready for an all-nighter.
• How much of Sarah Jessica Parker's original face do you think is left in this heavily-Photoshopped "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" ad, featured in Cosmo? 20 percent? 15?
• "Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True." Advice includes sending naughty photos and whispering in his ear you need to have sex with him -- now. This advice works so well, the near-naked male model being straddled by the gorgeous near-naked female model in the accompanying photo does not have an erection. At all. Maybe she needs to whisper louder."
• Bizarre In-Bed Outbursts": "He shoots, he scores!" Really, dude? Really? What did you score, conception of a bastard child?
• "Seven Habits That Are Giving You Belly Pudge." Examples: You Skips Meals, You Think Bread Is Bad, You Booze a Lot But Infrequently. Another possibility: You eat a lot, don't exercise and your New Year's Resolution is to find a more efficient way to suck the cream out of a Twinkie.
  

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On to something much more worthy of our attention. Some friends of mine, including Rainbow Eclipse, decided to skip the gift-giving this year and instead raise money for cleft-lip or cleft palete surgery for babies, done through Smile Train.
If you'd like to donate (say, the amount of money you saved by not reading Cosmo this month), please visit this link. I would have made this request it's own post, but I knew it's easier to get people's attention with Cosmo sex quizzes. I'm evil like that.

To discuss a Cosmo review: November 2009

It's been a few months since the last Cosmo review, after I went on Cosmo overload in August with a We Are Cosmo stog.

But Kim Kardashian's on the cover of the November 2009 edition, so you know I can't miss the opportunity. I've got all of you to think about. Let's get into Cosmo. As always, don't read this if you wear a WWJD bracelet.

• The cover alone offers a myriad of "duhs" Cosmo assumes readers are either idiots or virgins. "What He Thinks During Sex." Um, he thinks, 'Woohooooo! Booobbbiieeess!' "Kim Kardashian: The Mistake That Still Haunts Her- No, Not the Sex Tape"Actually, yes, the sex tape. "Bad Girl Issue: For Sexy Bitches Only" Good thing I renewed my sexy bitch permit.
  
• Are Cosmo readers secretly lesbians? There are a lot of ads with topless chicks. A lot.
• Cover subject Kim Kardashian: In the quiz, she says she's tired of having to defend my "butt!! It's real, OK!!!!" Kim, of course we know that. You proved it in your home exercise video ... Wait, that wasn't about home exercise? Yeah, right, and next you're going to tell me "One Night in Paris" wasn't a documentary on the perils of drug abuse.
  
• Kim says the sex video was a mistake, "and I don't make the same mistake twice." Next time, she'll get better lighting and an iTunes distribution deal.
• Cosmo Man Manual: Tear-away cards to take to the bar so you can decipher a guy's body language. I'll tell you this much: If you whip out a body language advice card while trying to decipher a man, you might as well call it a night. "Excuse me, Hottie McGuy, but can you not move for a second? I'm trying to figure out if you are subconsciously undressing me."
• Dear Cosmo: I appreciate you including a photo in the "Man Manual" section of a girl wearing a wife-beater with no bra, but it's worthless nipple. I can't get aroused by Cosmo nipple. It's like cleavage at church- you weren't supposed to see it in the first place, and when you do, you don't know what to do with it.
  
• Before They Were Hotties: I feel better knowing Brad Pitt had a double-chin before. Of course, he was a baby, but I'll take it.
• What He's Really Thinking During Sex: "When I see that those giant breasts she had really came form a push-up bra, it's a huge disappointment," Allan, 28. Also a disappointment, Allan: When she takes off your pants and find a balled-up tube sock.
• Another example: "Talking dirty is cool, but I do not want to be called Daddy by anyone in bed," Dan, 30. Totally acceptable alternatives, Dan: Step-Daddy, Lord of the Groin, or Pretty, Pretty Princess.
• "The New Way to Foreplay: Cosmo's uncovered some surprisingly sensitive parts of the body." How is it possible there are parts of the body Cosmo has yet to find erogenous? At this point, they are down to elbows, kidneys and heels. Here's a hint, Cosmo: Advise women to directly touch a man's Private Benjamin. We'll salute every time. Don't try to reinvent the penis.
• Cosmo's 2009 Bachelor Blowout: A hottie from every state. Capricorn thumbed through all the guys and found about 18 that were passable. She almost gagged at a few. We particularly enjoyed the guys who listed their interests as "playing the guitar," "surfing" or "generally being kind of a douche."
• There's an entire section about being a bad girl. Except, in Cosmo terms, all that seems to mean is that you are super, super, SUPER slutty and likely have a tramp stamp. Oh, and you swear like a trucker ... while having slutty slut sex with strangers.
  

To discuss a Cosmo review: August 2009

Capricorn* and I have discussed an inherent flaw in men's and women's magazines. Men's magazines, such as GQ and Maxim, tell you how to get the girl through fancy possessions and pick-up lines. Women's magazines tell you how to make him stay through "mind-blowing" sex and reverse psychology craziness. Why isn't there a men's magazine that tells you how to keep a woman around through "100 ways to please your woman" and "Here's what she means when she says this," and a women's magazine that helps a girl "not get crazy jealous of all the guy's female friends" and "how to stop fooling yourself into thinking you can turn a bad boy into marriage material"?

On to the Cosmo August 2009 review (a lengthy one to make up for the lack of a July review). As always, don't pass Go or collect $200 if you think Cosmo is the devil's literature.

• He totally blew it when: Stories of guys blowing their chance. Example: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment...He proudly showed me the condom collection he had hidden in his closet." Could have been worse: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment... He proudly showed me his shrunken head collection he had hidden in his freezer."
• Target has a perverted ad, listing 10 "Things that Sound Naughty, But Aren't." Examples: Purina Moist & Meaty, Scotch Packing Noodles, Caress Body Wash.... Just in case you missed it: Freakin' Target has a perverted ad!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Trends on the Rise Right Now: 1) Studly Stubble. "Women find stubble more attractive than any other kind of facial hair." Sweet! I've been going stubbley since the day after Sound of Music. I mean, my 'stache was pimp and all, but...
• Cosmo cover girl, Katy Perry: Did you know her real name is Katheryn Hudson, but she didn't want to be confused with Kate Hudson? My real name is Andy Samberg, but I didn't want to be confused with the Junk in a Box guy
  
• Katy says she decided to break away from the church (her parents are pastors) when she decided she wanted sex before marriage. The church decided to break up with Katy when they realized she kissed a girl and liked it.
• Katy's cat's name is Kitty Purry. I assume she's referring to an actual feline.
• Aubrey O'Day must be in the Cosmo Hall of Fame for her litany of appearances on Sexy vs. Skanky, this time for sucking face with Kathy Griffin.
• An ad for "The Ugly Truth," with Katherine Heigl. Is the ugly truth the fact the movie is so formulated I don't need to see it to know how it turns out?
• Cosmo Confessions: One girl was on a bus ride in Mexico, when the driver pulled over, concerned about a loud buzzing noise. He evacuated the bus, and eventually decided the noise was coming from the girl'sbagohwhatasurprise it's a hot pink vibrator. What is a surprise is that a vibrator sounds SO LOUD you can hear it on a shoddy Mexican tourist bus. Is her vibrator a jack hammer?
• "What His #1 Sex Style Reveals" Options include intensely sexy, sweet and slow, playfully unpredictable and fast & furious. Not included: intensely stalkerish, sweet and slowly choking you to death, playfully imagining kiddies and fast & furious as the cocaine allows.
• "Cosmo for Your Guy"... is full of ways to trick your girlfriend into having sex the way you want. Which, in the next issue, will become an article about why women need to take control in bed. Which,in the subsequent issue, will become an article about why men need to pick up on subtle hints in the sack. Nowhere to be found: Hey, just enjoy the fact you're having sex in a relationship without analyzing it like a football game.
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) offers "10 Things Guys Wish You Knew," such as "Quiet confidence is incredibly sexy." Surprisingly, one of the options is not, "Don't kiss your on-stage romantic lead in a Shakespeare play because Kelly and A.C. will totally find out!" Sidenote: Watching Gosselaar's "Raising the Bar" on TNT. Thank me later.
• What is up with these damn "boyfriend jeans"? They aren't actually your boyfriend's- you bought them at the GAP, and you were single. You just want a reason to wear loose, comfortable jeans, an understandable thing. But let's be clear- you're wearing man jeans. You don't see GQ recommending "girlfriend jeans."
• Why do women always look so happy shaving in the ads? I only hear about them complaining.
• Dear Cosmo: Please stop insinuating men are lustful, porn-obsessed pervs. Because the two photos in your "Cosmo Sex Poll: 6,000 Horny Guys Tell All!" are basically porn. Unless Christianity is completely wrong and it's totally cool looking at a girl take it from behind in the shower.
• Sample results from the poll, done with askmen.com: "The hottest thing a woman can say when she sees you naked is, "I want you inside me," at 56 percent. Hmm. I figured it's "Ooh, look how cute that is. I just want to pinch it!"
• Another: "When we're done with sex, I would love if she..." Number one answer by guys is "Cuddled up with me in bed." Fifth-place: "Rolled over and left me alone." Ladies just can't get enough of those hit it and quit it types.
• Oh crap. Well, the AskMen survey just killed my point above about Cosmo making us into pervs. "What can she do to ensure that she's on your mind all day." Send you a romantic card? No. Make you cookies? Nope. Popular answers: Dirty texts, naughty pictures, phone sex, sticking thong in coat pocket.
• One of Cosmo's suggestions on how to get your man to change an annoying habit is to have your friends tease him. That's just kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic advice, and I'm sure it won't blow up in your face.
• "Turn Him Into the Orgasm Whisperer" by using lube. Four out of five gay guys can't be wrong!
• Terrible advice of the month: A girl in a college engineering program only has male students to hang out with, and thinks they might be a cockblock. Cosmo advices her to use the nerds to help her meet a hot guy at the bar, saying she should offer "whoever helps you meet a cute dude gets a free drink." At least Cosmo isn't shallow and didn't completely overlook the fact one of those nerdy engineers might think she's hot and would lose all self-esteem if she said that... not Cosmo. Not the Cosmo I know.-

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* Capricorn is my girlfriend, for new readers. Check here to find out why.

To discuss a Maxim review: May

To balance out the Cosmo reviews, I started doing Maxim magazine reviews. Maxim is unabashed when it comes to near-naked women. It comes right out and shows it, an emerging trend in magazines overall. Next thing you know, "Field & Stream" will have a full page spread of naked people getting their buck on.
Here's the May 2009 review. There's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work. Also, please read a Bible afterward:

• "Fighting" movie star Zulay Henao, who is wearing a bra, panties and four-inch stilettos (the five-inchers would have made her look whore-y) reveals her first kiss was with a guy named Sergio, when they were playing house together as kids. Her mom got mad, "and I was done seeing Sergio." Yeah, and now Sergio is holding your two-page spread with one hand and slowly reaching for a pistol with the other.
• Stop a Chimp from Eating Your Face: Protect your 'nads. An angry chimp may end up castrating a male." As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I have to look out for runaway Chewbacca going ape s*** on my banana bunch. (Any other ape jokes can be inserted here)
• Ask Maxim: Q: Why is my girlfriend so clingy? A: She has separation anxiety. Or maybe because Cosmo is telling her that she needs to check up on her man constantly so he doesn't forget about her.
  
• A feature on "Sit Down, Shut Up," a new animated show on Fox that premiered in April... and has been canceled by the time I did this review.
• Multiple pages on hybrid cars, waterproof watches and mountain bikes...This section could also be called: "See, we're more in depth than just Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. But, if you like that, she's on page 58"
• Stuff for Her: Surprise her with a scooter. 1) The chick on the scooter is wearing a one-piece, side-cut out leotard with no bra... because that's what you'd wear to ride a scooter 2) Buy her a scooter. Go ahead. Tell me how that works out for you.
• Maxim staffers try to recreate famous movie sex scenes, like from "Ghost" and "Risky Business" and "Titantic." The Titanic guy says it's too difficult to draw your lady, nude, then convince her to go to your car and have sex in the backseat. I'd be much more worried about the fact that a few hours after sex, you have to wade in the freezing ocean, while she comfortably floats on a door.
• Did you know Jennifer Love Hewitt is "our generation's hottest starlet"? Maxim does. And here, I thought it was Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Alba or Topanga from "Boy Meets World" (dudes know what I'm tokkin 'bout!)
• Did you know the "Ghost Whisperer" is a ratings juggarnaut? How did that happen?
• Did you know JenLove just turned 30? That makes her a puma!
• "105 Greatest Geek Flicks of All Time!" Anything to make them feel they've got a shot with Megan Fox, the magazine's hottest sci-fi chick (oh, you totally do, dude. She thinks your Transformer action figure collection is h-o-t.) Transformers, evidently, counts as sci-fi. I can think of lots of other things to call that movie.
• Take a look at this photo of "Star Trek" director J.J. Abrams, then finish this sentence: "J.J., what is that veiny, thick, long _____ you're holding?"*
• An interview/photo spread with "Fast & Furious" star Jordana Brewster. I'd tell you more about what she said, but I was too busy staring at her thighs... and wondering if I should make her a cheeseburger or some cookies or something. At this rate, next year she'll be in a commercial, with an old white dude telling me I can sponsor her for just 10 cents a day.
  

* Correct answer: Tentacle. I'd also except penis.

To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: May

It's long past due. Well, not really, because it's still May, but you know how magazines come out a month in advance. So here's What I Learned from Cosmo, May edition (here's April's edition). If you think Cosmo is smut, please do not read. If you're smutty yourself, read on.

• May's cover subject, Whitney Port from MTV's The City, admits she breaks down in tears a couple times a week from the stress of being on a reality television show. Whitney, not sure if you know this, but that's not normal. You may want to reconsider your life decisions if you are crying all the time. Unless the crying is part of the script.
  
• For Whitney's Cosmo quiz, she reveals she's never eaten pasta and she's addicted to soy lattes. You must be a real fun dinner date.
• The sexiest new kind of a woman: A puma, which is a woman in her 30s who likes younger dudes. Cosmo, always on top of things, includes a photo of a couple canoodling... and the "puma" in it looks like her mom might be 30-something. Phew. That was close. Cosmo almost showed a woman past college age in their magazine.
• Cosmo also makes this broad generalization: "Women are becoming entrenched in their careers right after college" instead of getting married. Except for the dozens of women I graduated with who are now married. They're just exceptions. And all of your female friends, too. Other than that, so true!
  
• How exactly does Cosmo get so many men to contribute their "Guy Confessions"? Do the girlfriends force them to do it?
• Cosmo editor Guy Henderson in "The Guy Truth": "Q: I found some e-mails my boyfriend wrote to girls who posted ads on Craigslist wanting to hook up. He said he was just playing. Why did he really do it? A: Because he wants to have sex with other women"... And please schedule a visit with your gyno, as you've probably got Craigslist Chlamydia by now.
  
• Get More Looks for Less: Budget-conscious outfits. Just so you know, Cosmo considers it budget-conscious to buy a $110 belt. We'll get out of this recession, America, one Cosmo-backed budget belt at a time.
• I don't care what they say, swimsuit tube tops like the one Katherine Heigl is wearing are not flattering. The cut makes it look like you've got granny boobs. Talk about Grey's Anatomy.*
  
• "What Guys Know About Sex That You Don't" offers such (somewhat sage) advice as "You're always doable," "Your crotch is awesome" and "Practice makes perfect." But, if you look closer, you realize Cosmo is telling women they should just fantasize about sex and masturbate all the time. Which is fine, if the woman is channeling her inner 14-year-old boy. But in reality, it might just be best to not overthink things and believe him when he says you're sexy. That goes a lot farther than double-clicking your mouse five times a day.
• "Wedding Day Freak-Outs: How to distinguish between normal nervousness and serious cold feet." Example: You feel like you're on pins and needles versus You have a lingering sense of foreboding. Or: You have trouble deciding which dress to pick versus You're worried about the fact you're a dirty whore.
• Advertisement for Yaz birth control. Me, to Capricorn: "Why do women always look so happy in birth control ads?" Capricorn: "Because they're not pregnant."
• There is a multi-page spread on "Make Waves: Glam up chic swimsuits with sophisticated accessories." This is a clear case of women dressing for other women. Ladies, if you are wearing a teenie bikini and are relatively in shape, guys are going to think you look hot. We could care less about bangles, purses or necklaces to help you "rule the sand." We just think, "Hey, her butt looks nice." Also, a smile goes a long way.
• "Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had the Guts": "Your dad's not as nice to us as you think he is," "Anything bedazzled is bad news,"... and "You spent HOW MUCH on a belt?"
• Repel a Peeping Tom: Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms... at a distance. Yes, because a Peeping Tom would think, "Man, I'd watch this girl getting naked by using my binoculars and my telephoto lens, but there's a damn cactus by her window. I guess I'll just go home and watch porn instead."
• "50 Things to Do Naked." Among the asinine suggestions: "Take a strip class. Look on Craigslist... and find a private instructor." Because there are so many legitimate strip class instructors on Craiglist... you might want to plant several cacti by your door before the "instructor" arrives.
• Cosmo Gyno: "Why do my roommates and I get our periods together" It's God's way of punishing your boyfriends.

* Hey-yooo!

Check out the new links (and the new graphic!) at the top of the main page, including a link for all my past Cosmo/Maxim recaps. See, I was productive this weekend.

To discuss the differences between the birds and the bees

We've had a series at church recently on the differences between men and women. Beyond the fact that one has the inney and one has the outey (as detailed by me here), I've found there are many differences that I'd like to make horrible, broad, generalizations about. Feel free to disagree or add your own.

If a woman was going to build a skyscraper, she'd make sure it had lots of usable work space, plenty of bathrooms, greenery outside, windows for lots of natural light, and make sure it was handicap accessible and gave people a comfortable, at-home feel.
If a man was going to build a skyscraper, he'd make sure it looked super-phallic.

If a man was going to buy shampoo, he'd get one with conditioner added to eliminate a step during the shower.
If a woman was going to buy shampoo, she'd check to see what product (name an actress) was using, because her hair just looked so (curly/shiny/soft) in that movie. Then, she'd find out in (name a fashion magazine) that another shampoo is supposed to be better because it's got some previously unheralded natural ingredient that promises to add (curl/shine/three orgasms). Then, she'd go to the store, hold both products in her hand, and choose neither, because she's having a bad hair day and is just too pissed to think about shampoo.

If a woman was going to rent a movie, she'd choose something she knows will make her laugh or make her cry... or maybe something that just won an award. If Zac Efron's in it, good. If Brad Pitt is in it, even better.
If a man was going to rent a movie, he'd first browse through all of the options, then decide what kind of mood he's in. He'd narrow the field down to a blockbuster action movie (bonus for anything with a nipple or two) an artsy movie (artsy like "Fight Club" or "American Beauty," not artsy like "Memoirs of a Geisha") and a bromantic comedy (anything involving Ferrell/Rudd/Rogen/et. al). After a lengthy debate... he'd go with the movie with the nips. Because they are nips. And they are enchanting as a summer's day in Paris.

If a man got a phone number from a cute girl, he'd figure out if she's a short-term or a long-term possibility, and use that to decide when to call or text her. He'd take a grand total of 30 seconds figuring this out, perhaps done in part by checking her Facebook photos. The other portion of the night would be spent watching "Crash," waiting for the nude scene with Jennifer Esposito*. Just kidding. He's still Facebook stalking you and seeing if your friends are cuter than you are.
If a woman got a phone number from a cute guy, she'd spend: 1 minute giggling with excitement; 5 minutes wondering if he's going to call; 10 minutes calling her friends, explaining what just happened and asking them what they think; 20 minutes freaking out that he hasn't called yet; 1 minute wondering if he thinks they are pretty enough; 5 minutes cursing that they wore the black pumps and not the red stilettos; 4 hours staring at the phone; and, three days later, about 3 minutes actually talking to the guy and pretending like it's no big deal he waited this long.

If a woman was consoling her son after he missed the game-winning shot, she'd remind him how he did a great job scoring 20 points already, and that he'll get another chance.
If a man was consoling his son after he missed the game-winning shot, he'd remind him to stop being such an f'in loser and hit the shot next time.

If a man was giving directions, he'd first ask why you don't have a Garmin or TomTom, then tell you to go 4 miles, take a right at the intersection of Taft and Smith, then go half a block until you reach the fourth house on the left.
If a woman was giving directions, she'd first rub it in your face that you're a man and you're asking her for directions. Then she'd start talking about the destination, how the house has this cool wraparound porch, and this one time, she hung out there all night with some friends and they talked about this movie with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck and oh my God what was it called and how it was... oh yeah, then she'd remember she's giving you directions. Then she'd tell you to drive until you pass this pretty oak tree that's near a gas station (it's not near the gas station-- it's half a mile away and it's not an oak tree, it's a store that sells oak furniture that is near some trees), then take a left, or was it a right? No, it's a right, right(?) onto this wide road that has, like, too many speed bumps. Then she'd tell you to go a little while until you saw a red house. Or was it maroon?... Good Will Hunting!

If a man was going to watch "America's Next Top Model," he'd.... oh, who am I kidding?
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* Not Eva Mendes, as previously written. I get those two mixed up all the time. Nice catch, AmyXXOO, except now I'm worried you are also looking for nude scenes with Eva. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Quick note: Maxim and Cosmo reviews will be done as soon as they decide to send them to my new address. Let's hope it's soon.

To discuss Maxim: Infiltrating the March 2009 edition

Judging by my poll, you like the Cosmo reviews I've been doing, if only because it saves you $4. Well, to be fair, I thought I'd do a Maxim review as well so you ladies and gay guys can get insight on what men are reading. Cost: $6. Yes, $6, even though it's half the size of Cosmo. I'm going to write it down as a business expense.
Here's the March 2009 review. There's links to some of the photos so I could make this post safe for work. Also, you may want to read a Bible afterward:

• First ad: Girl having sex. Second ad: Girl with plunging neckline dress. Third ad: Girls in bikinis. Yep, this is Cosmo Maxim, alright.
• There's a joke page (which will really help me out the next time I'm at a college frat party.) Example: "Q: How do you know if you're really ugly? A: Dogs close their eyes when humping your leg." Or you get cast as the misunderstood one on America's Next Top Model.
• A photospread of Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano: I can't fathom the amount of boob tape she must be using. She has on a swimsuit with thin vertical strips of fabric covering her boobs, but she is laying/lying/lain/flat on the ground and her boobs are still in the proper position. Is that the goal for every woman- wear an outfit one day that requires boob tape?
• Porn to Be Mild- How adult stars have fared going from XXX to mainstream film. Sly Stallone (he was in 1970's "The Party at Kitty") was deemed most successful, right after Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. There's still time, Kim Kardashian. There's still time.
• Cover girl- Eliza Dushku, of "Buffy" and now "Dollhouse," says she likes chess and guys with scars. Somewhere, Stephen Hawking is grabbing a scapel and staring at his arm, saying (in robot voice): "I've. Got. A. Shot. I've. Got. A. Shot."... Here's a summary of Eliza's photo spread: Eliza spread out on a fur rug with her butt sticking out. Eliza on her hands and knees in lingerie. Eliza back on the fur rug with her stocking-covered feet in the air. Eliza putting a suggestive finger near her mouth while she wears an impossibly lifting bustierre. Eliza leaning back while a bra strap falls perilously off her shoulder.
• Shorter summary of Eliza's photos: Sex, sex sex sex, sex, sex, wad of tissues grabbed by lonely men.
• Capricorn's summary of Maxim-style lingerie photos: "What's the point? Don't buy this pussy crap. If you're buying this to get off, there's a lot better stuff out there" she advises men of the world.
  
• Newport cigarettes ad includes Surgeon General's Warning: Except the warning is advising pregnant women not to smoke. That's the warning you're going with in a Maxim ad, Newport? You think a lot of family-oriented, married men are reading Maxim, see this ad and think, my GOD I better tell my knocked up wife she better stop smoking! More plausible for these readers: My GOD I better tell my knocked up stripper mistress she better stop smoking!
• Do you know who Danneel Harris is? No? She's got a three-page photo spread, one involvin her licking a cupcake like it's the last dollop of sexual satistifaction on Pastry Planet. Danneel, evidently, is the star of Fired Up, the movie about two guys infiltrating a cheerleading camp. Danneel reveals this tidbit about her on-screen antics: "Simulated lesbianism bonds you quicker than anything."
• Maxim's 2009 Sex Survey: Well, at least Maxim and Cosmo share their love for this kind of stuff. Here are some results of a survey of women:
• 18 percent lost their virginity before age 15. I didn't even know how to lose my virginity before age 15.
• 0.6 percent have had more than 100+ sexual partners; about 4 percent had between 30-99. And yet, just 1.1 percent had zero partners. So, basically, you're more likely to bump into Mary Carey than the Virgin Mary. Strap two on, boys.
• About 49 percent of women have tried _____. I'll let you guess. It doesn't involve another woman. But it might involve walking like a cowboy the next day.
  
• About 62 percent of women said they wouldn't let a guy pee on her. Only 62? Threesome came in at 8 percent. If the guy pees on you during a threesome, well, I just don't know what follies would ensue.
  
• Maxim's advice on "Scoring on St. Patrick's Day"- Tell her you really like her shoes, and show her you have friends so she doesn't think you're a dangerous sociopath. Even better: Tell her your friends with Manolo Blahnik.
  
• Personal note: The manner in which men's magazines and women's magazines treat readers is startling and, in all actuality, sad. Women's magazines tell readers they aren't pretty enough, don't sleep around enough, sleep around too much, need tons of cosmetics, should stop buying cosmetics, and should constantly try to please their guy to the brink of overanalyzing every one of his words. Men's magazines tell readers they should have all the latest gadgets, stare at women's breasts and have the latest gadget that helps you stare at women's breasts. Although, I'll say that men's magazines are more likely not to use a third-grade vocabulary (ahem, Cosmo?)

To discuss What I Learned From Cosmo: April

I'd like to think that one month, Cosmopolitan will stop treating women like they are sex-crazy, boy-hungry, insecure, unintelligent people. But that month is not April. Here's what I learned from Cosmo's April edition; here's last month's review...

• "Bachelor Search 2009..."If you know a single guy worthy enough to make the cut for our annual Bachelor issue, let us know about him!" I know a great guy, Cosmo editors! He's famous, has dreamy eyes and tan skin, is a great father and is looking for a long-term relationship. In the interest of full disclosure, he's also a two-faced liar who broke a woman's heart because of contractual obligations.
• "82 percent of bachelors believe a hookup can turn into a real relationship." 18 percent of bachelors aren't as delusional.
• Ashley Tisdale is this month's cover girl, a fact that even Ashley Tisdale can't quite explain. She dishes that even though she lives with her parents, she he has no problem getting intimate with her boyfriend. Well, that is until she dished to Cosmo that she's banging her boyfriend with the 'rents home. Say goodbye to nookie, Ashley's boyfriend.
• Cosmo confessions: A girl who has a sore throat goes to the E.R., where she is attended to by a hot young doctor. But she's like, so totally embarrassed because the doctor asks her to "pull up my dress so he could feel my spleen. I had on the rattiest pair of full-bottom briefs." Which brings me to this thought: Doesn't it sound suspicsious that this doctor needed you to lift your dress to feel your spleen to help cure your sore throat? When you complain of an ear ache, does he ask you to remove your underwear?
• Read between his lines- He says "She was too clingy." He means "I don't do well with commitment." Wrong again, Cosmo. He means, She was so clingy I had to text her to let her know when I had to use the bathroom.
• Postsex Moves He'll Love... "Put on his shirt"... "Compliment him"... "Take off." Yes, Cosmo just advised women to leave after sex. Next month, there will be an article telling girls that guys don't like one-night stands, thus further confusing women who need an endless cycle of Cosmo advice. My advice: Stop letting strangers board your ho train.
• Cosmo for Your Guy: Create a Sex Goddess by flattering her weak spots: A surefire way to piss a girl off, Capricorn says, is for a guy to talk about a girl's fat spots, because she'll know you're lying. See, even guys can learn from Cosmo!
• Sexy Ways to Go Green: Eco-friendly tips include showering with your guy, using all-natural lubricants, and buying a vibrator with rechargeable batteries. So the Inconvenient Truth was actually about the need to recharge batteries before bedtime fun?
  
• Celeb Look: Get perfect, glistening lips like Rihanna by using gloss. Also, by not dating Chris Brown.
• My observation- Things women must really be excited about, judging by the models in ads: Tampons and birth control.
• The Worst Advice We've Ever Printed: Do needlepoint while he watches...Invent a boyfriend and send yourself flowers... Hand kissing is no longer limited to gentlemen." No, seriously, Cosmo gave that advice in past issues. More recent bad advice: Anything in the Cosmo for Your Guy section.
• What to Do When Your Guy's on the Small Side: Leave him. Just kidding. For the second month in a row, Cosmo reviews "Is he 'normal' down there." About five inches is normal, according to Cosmo, although 2-3 percent of guys have a penis less than three inches long than erect... which means my chiweenie dog is packing more heat than some adult men. Hey-ooo!... Cosmo says not to lie and say "Wow!" when teenie weenie drops his pants. I also advise not pointing, giggling or calling it "cute as a button."
  
• Make him reveal how he feels- Don't ask "Do you love me?" Say "Mind if I drive your car?" The more he cares, the more he shares. Yeah, that makes sense. If he really loves you, he'll share his car, his clothes, his herpes and his emotional baggage. Enjoy, lovers!
• "My guy's condom tends to slip off. Why?" He's in the 2-3 percent category.
  

Take a second to vote in my poll on your favorite Wild ARS Chase features, such as this one. And, for those that like the Cosmo reviews, then come back for a review of Maxim later this week... or you could stop by LBluca77 for her excellent own Cosmo review.

To discuss what I learned from Cosmo- March

So, in all the craziness of the past few weeks, I missed doing a review of Cosmo's February edition, which comes out in January (naturally). But I would not let another edition go by without giving you its precious info, so here's What I Learned from Cosmo: March edition. As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo smut, then don't read this, or just read it anyway and pretend I forced you:

• "Ovulation alerts: You can now get text messages... to notify you when you're likely to be most fertile." Is it possible to have that same text message sent to the guys so they can "coincidentally" be out of town?
• "Red-Carpet Confidence: Who Has It" One of their examples is Rihanna. I'm guessing this was before Chris Brown tried to make his hand Run it, Run it on her face. Just a guess, but Chris might not have a career anymore.
  
• This is the first issue in months in which the "Sexy vs. Skanky" section did not include Danity Kane's Aubrey. Good thing there's a new season of Making the Band about to begin! Heeyyooo!
• "Guy Confessions" A guy starts doing his girlfriend on a dumpster and then is surprised when the lid falls and knocks the girl in... How trashy. I'm fairly certain there is no good experience that starts with "So I was doing this girl on a dumpster" that ends well.
• "Read Between His Lines... He says, "Let's just be friends... He Means, "We can still sleep together, but I'm not buying you dinner." No, Cosmo, he means, "I am terrified of how stalker-ish you've become and I'm suspecting you follow me home from work everyday, so can we please just be friends, peacefully, because I have a fear you're going to murder me in my sleep. And, yes, we can still do it."
• Cosmo, please stop telling women there are "Fashion must-haves." A $225 skirt and $98 handbag in a recession? That's a must-have? Is it alright for me to blame the credit crunch on Cosmo?
• Beauty Q&A "How can I get my man to moisturize without embarrassing him?" Might I suggest throwing a bucket of water in his face every day when he gets home from work. Or let him eat butter off of you. But make it I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to reduce the calories-- no one likes a porker.
  
• "Unlock his emotions by asking: If you could relive one childhood moment, which would it be?" Oh, that's just a great idea. Bring up that time when all the other kids made fun of his clothes, or how he never got invited to parties. He'll love that.
• "Sex secrets that should stay that way-'I fantasize about a Jonas Brothers foursome.'" Wait, did Capricorn write that?
• "His 'boys' are actually tougher than you think." False! False! Do not encourage women to kick me in the groin, Cosmo!
  
• "Does a curved penis signal a problem?" Yes, it means his penis is broken. If it looks like a question mark, there's probably a question if it works.
  
• "How many erections a day should a guy have?" Is there a limit? Should I be counting these things? Maybe the question should be, "Where is it inappropriate for my guy to get an erection?" I can answer this, based on experience. The answer includes words such as "church," "county fairs," and "doctor's exams."
  

To discuss rounding the bases and pets on a leash

There are many things about my middle school and high school years I don't remember clearly: early morning basketball practices, study halls, stabbing a lecherous hobo... that kind of stuff.
But I also just realized, after a discussion with a few others, what the guidelines are now for the four bases of intimacy.
You know which bases I'm talking about, because I'm sure some of you have trotted around them a time or two, and some have spent more time crossing home plate than the Yankees. The bases are the fodder of teenage talk, when you tried to determine how far you had gone with a guy or girl or teacher (as the case may be).
So, I'm looking for some reminders here. I don't know if this varies by region, but since I've got people checking this blog from all over, I figure we'll get some good insight. Feel free to correct me:

• First base is kissing. I think you can slip your tongue past the goalie and still be on first base, but others may be more strict.
• Second base is fondling, or, an even funnier word, petting. I love when news outlets use the phrase "heavy petting," as if boobs should be put on a leash. Actually, not a terrible idea, although I guess that means my boys would have to be put on a leash, too. In a land of metaphors, that's not far from my reality, anyway.
• Third base involves mouth to crotch. I think this has to be one of the more obvious ones, but still, there's one hell of a gap between second and third, isn't there? I feel like there should be a mid-base in between, where the shortstop would be. But that would make the analogy too difficult, and all people are trying to do is screw like rabbits, so let's not slow it down.
• Home is the daddy maker. It's when the third base coach gives the windmill arm to wave you in for sexual congress. Although, I do know there are a lot of guys who race home even when the coach has the stop sign up. Those guys are called bastards.

Does this sound about right? Did you ever talk about what base you were on? What do people in England do- is there a good cricket analogy?
I can think of some good variations, too. For strict Christians, first base is asking the girl's father for permission to talk to her, second base is winking, third base is holding her hand and home is reading Song of Solomon. For prostitutes, first base is... uh, sex.
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Quick notes:
* If you leave a comment on my posts, I'm doing my best to check out your blog, too. I've been told that's how it works. Of course, when I read your blog, I get jealous and cry the bitter tears of inadequacy. But I'm going to frequently mention sweet posts I've found, such as this one by Cindypoe. She uses the phrase "white knuckling the ibuprofen bottle," and it's glorious.
* I couldn't be happier with the feedback I've gotten so far, so I appreciate that. Wednesday was a personal best for visitors and page views, although that might be because I called pre-teen Chinese gymnasts whores and I referenced Google-friendly Wal-mart. But, I'm still pleased, and I've got some good ideas coming up, including a possible sordid co-blog entry with my ex-fiance!
* Thanks for the support of those who were behind me declaring that Alicia on the U.S. gymnastics team is my new girlfriend, even though she totally screwed the team out of a gold. I think the two of us have a real future, once she stops letting my country down and stops chalking her hands during intimate situations.

To discuss a week-aversary using crude humor

Can you believe I've been doing this for a week? I've got the attention span of a goldfish with ADD, and yet I keep putting up posts, and even more surprising, people keep reading them.
There's been more than 150 visitors so far-- including 100 of me (I do love myself).
There's even been visitors from all over the world, including England, Australia, Korea and Canada. I'm guessing that they visited because the cultural translation for "Wild ARS Chase" is "Paris Hilton Sex Video," but I'll still take it.
What's more, my mom hasn't discovered this site yet, in part because she likely thinks a blog is a piece of Ikea furniture. But as long as she doesn't check this, I can continue using words and phrases like sex, boob and Paris Hilton sex video without fear of a hairy palm laced-guilt trip of my certain damnation. I already have the book of Romans to do that.
I do hope to continue writing often, and I'm even more inspired when you guys leave comments, so keep that up. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm only writing for my ego and my hairy palms, and, well, I can't handle two big things at once.
Good... got that out of my system.
I do love celebrating one-week anniversaries. It's like you're back in middle school, and you pass a note to your girlfriend on the week mark, with a big heart in it, declaring your unending love. And when most of my relationships at that age were about 3 weeks long anyway, a week was a 1/3 of the time I had. That's basically buy a house/have the first kid/consider leaving her for your secretary territory.
I remember one 8th grade romance where we decided around the one week mark that our official song would be "Lovefool" by the Cardigans (an odd choice, in hindsight). What was your official song?