To discuss a TV play by play: Girlicious!

The entry below was, unbelievably, published in a reputable newspaper. Suckas!
This one is from earlier this year on the CW-trainwreck show, "Girlicious." It is a glorious debacle that I detailed chronologically. I'll probably do more play-by-plays of shows in the future as a regular feature, so to jump start that, I figured I'd pull one from my vault... The photo, by the way, is my warning that it's best to read this article already up to date on your tetanus booster and wearing a chastity belt of some sort, preferably the one in "Robin Hood Men in Tights."

-------

It’s bad enough that the CW network gave us “The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll” last year, which amounted to a trashy train wreck with some commercials thrown in. This year, it’s “Girlicious,” the “search for the next girl supergroup.” Because I’m a glutton for bad television, I decided to watch the premiere last week ed. note: This was a few months ago now, but the show or some related debacle will likely return this coming season.

A few minutes into it, I realized I was watching history. This was going to be one of the worst reality TV competitions, ever. So, with some assistance from my roommate, Dave, we braced ourselves for an hour of inadequate talent, low-cut tops and bad performances.

:02 It’s not enough that the show is trying to recreate the magic of “The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll” (which ended with the winner quitting the group!). We’ve just been told that we’re starting the series with 15 semifinalists, with no on-screen time for the initial audition pool. So, we miss the chance to see girls with even less talent. That would be have been gold.

The show is hosted by Mark McGrath, formerly of Sugar Ray. Mark, Mark, Mark. Seriously, dude. Why are you hosting Girlicious?

:03 First sign of the apocalypse is a mere three minutes in. According to the show creator, a cosmetic surgery-loving Robin Antin, Girlicious “is what every girl will aspire to be.” Sweet Jesus. If that’s the case, I am never having children if my daughter will grow up with a desire to wear low-cut shirts, dance like strippers and have catfights. I won’t rule out, however, an appreciation for these things from other people’s daughters.

Robin tells the girls that they are the cream of the crop. I think she meant cream of corn. I’m pretty sure the cream of the crop auditioned for American Idol.

:04 Wait, I thought I saw one of the girls, Tiffanie, on that “Flava of Love” show… No, my bad. That was a different girl with a bad weave and a leopard-print jumpsuit.

Also, we’re introduced to Keisha, a 22-year-old who announces she’s a lesbian. Maybe this is a different type of girl supergroup than I thought. Another girl decides her parents would be pleased if she exposed herself on national television, so she announces, “I have a tattoo of cherries on my ‘hoo-ha.’ How do you, as the closed captioning guy, type that line and not acknowledge that your going to hell?

:06 As usual, there are experts brought in to help. Because this is Girlicious, they brought in the vocal coach of Spice Girls, a very flamboyant and bedazzled choreographer and Dave Aude, a music director who’s credentials evidently weren’t impressive enough to tell the audience.

:09 Jenna gives us this gem. “We’re the top 15 girls… out of the nation. That’s, like, so good.” Dave, my roommate, wonders if Jenna realizes that the entire pool of people who auditioned likely was 20 people. In fact, I think I should have auditioned. I could have been Boylicious.

:10 The Spice Girls vocal coach, who I think is Carl Winslow from “Family Matters” with blue contacts and diamond earrings, tries to teach one of the trios to sing. Except they can’t really sing, and it’s obvious. Carl Winslow sheds a quiet tear.

:12 It’s revealed that Carrie, who is being ripped by Flamboyant Choreographer Mikey, has never danced before. That’s funny, since this is a dancing and singing group. Your top 15, America!

:16 Jenna’s having cramps, she announces during her dancing practice. She doesn’t want anyone to think she’s a quitter, so she toughs it out. By curling up on her bed and quitting.

:18 The girls are going to a night club and only have 15 minutes to change into even more revealing outfits. Charlotte, who can play, “like, three instruments,” and Natalie, who is wearing a bustiere as a top, much to Dave’s delight, fight over hooker boots. Dave pleads with the producers to show “the hot girl” again. Thanks to Tivo, I can make Dave’s wishes come true over and over again. Tivo: Making scantily clad women freeze in time since 1999.

:20 Nelly Furtado makes an appearance and looks positively frightened as she shakes hands with everyone. Robin tells the girls that they are doing karaoke as part of the competition. If they are using karaoke to judge whether to offer someone a recording contract, they need to check me out on Thursday nights.

But, because it’s Girlicious, even karaoke is awful. They sing “Fly” by Sugar Ray, possibly because McGrath put producers at gunpoint. Dave ogles Charlotte, who clearly can’t sing. ‘I’d do things to her I wouldn’t tell my grandma about,” Dave comments.

Did I mention Dave is available?

:23 Back in the house, Erika, the show producer, is on to talk to Jenna, whose cramps actually turn out to be a ruptured cyst. Dave tells me I’m a terrible human being for making fun of Jenna before. Dave is right. I shed a quiet tear.

:38 It’s judging time to pick three girls to get the hook. Lil Kim is a judge, because Lil Kim, a rapper, knows a lot about singing. She also appears happy to be out of jail.

:42 As each trio performs a song, one of the judges who represent the record label Girlicious will sign with looks suicidal and nauseated. All the girls are in spandex or booty shorts. Dave promises to buy their album.

:53 “They eliminated two of the top five hottest girls. How do they expect to get ratings?” Dave yells as Keisha, Charlotte and one of the blond girls are kicked off.

I remind Dave that he and I, quite possible, are the only people watching.