Wednesday, August 27, 2008

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Making the Band Fo' Sho

I've been watching Diddy's "Making the Band" since he first put together Danity Kane (they do that "Damaged" song). So we go way back. A new season just started last week, with the show following the tour preparation for DK and the new boy group, Day 26, plus Donnie Klang, who didn't make Day 26 but Diddy threw him a bone because he didn't have any generic white R&B singers on Bad Boy.
Last night was episode two. As always, when I see a trashtastic episode of anything on TV, I keep you in mind. So here's a play by play of Making the Band 4
:01 Diddy's already up to his conceited ways. His shirt reads "I am the black American dream." Hmm. I thought that MLK would personify that, but you right, Puffy, you right. I mean, you brought us "Come With Me" for that endearing blockbuster, "Godzilla." That was a legendary moment in black American history.
:02 Full disclosure note. I own Danity Kane's new album, "Welcome to the Dollhouse." I blast it in my car. It makes me feel sexy. Oh, and Andrea (in the middle of the photo) quite possibly could be the perfect woman, given her hoop earrings, long dark hair and great voice. I'm just wondering how many TV girlfriends I'm allowed to have. (Related note: This photo was sent to newspapers as a publicity shot. The girls aren't wearing pants. Newspaper. No pants. Kids reading. Problem?)

:04 Donnie's choreographer looks Amish, except he's wearing a bowler hat. I'm confused. He's supposed to be choreographing hip-hop. Maybe Donnie is covering Weird Al's "Amish Paradise" and is going to party like it's 1699.
:06 Commercial for The Hills. Why do people watch that show? I watch a lot of crap, but that show is scripted and they pass it off as reality TV. And Lauren Conrad's voice physically hurts me.
:13 First Diddy shouting moment. There are usually 6-8 of these per show. He knows the cameras are on, so he makes a scene. I wish I could do that at work- throw temper tantrums and storm off as cameras follow me out of the door. Even better, I wish I had entrance music like Diddy gets. What would your entrance music be? Mine would be Ride of the Valkyries fo' sho.
:14 Diddy tells Donnie to stop dancing like a white boy. Um, Diddy, you signed a white boy. Then when he dances like a white boy, you get mad. White boys dance like white boys. Justin Timberlake is black; he just has a good make-up guy.
:19 DK has to show Diddy one of their dances for tour. Aubrey does poorly, in part because her boobs smack her in the face due to the lack of fabric restraint. Another girl, D Woods, has a mullet. I am positive. It's a red-fringed mullet.
:35 After a bunch of practice footage, Diddy does a random infomercial coming out of the break. He commands people to vote, with a "Vote or Die" graphic behind him. A little strong, no? Vote or die? Vote or feel ashamed, maybe. Vote or feel left out, perhaps. But they don't shoot people who don't vote. They should, but they don't. They should also bring back stocks in the public square. But that's another discussion.
:36 Aubrey asks D Woods if her strapless gown is showing too much cleavage. D Woods tries to respond, but it's hard to understand her because of the boobies smothering her face. Aubrey figures that's a sign of approval and gently tucks D Woods inside her cleavage for safe keeping. I'll call her Aubrey Pocket from now on.
:38 All three acts show up on Total Request Live on MTV. That show is still on? Do they show videos? I remember when Carson hosted that show and it was a must watch. I don't even know what they play on it now. They stopped showing videos around the NSync era.
:41 Diddy calls the groups backstage and singles out Aubrey Pocket for looking like a whore. He doesn't mince words, and basically says she looks like a hooker minus the payment. Aubrey Pocket vigorously defends herself and says she's been trying to stick with the group image and not stand out. Her cleavage tries to protest, but it's bleeped out by censors. Diddy threatens to throw her out of the group. That would be major drama, because she and Andrea are the original members that have been through every season of Making the Band.
:44 Wait, I'm confused. They must've switched to MTV's "True Life: I'm a Dope User." Nope, my mistake. It's a shot of Aubrey Pocket without her pound of eye shadow. She legitimately looks like a different person who may or may not be friends with a syringe. I'm not a fan of women who can't pull off a natural look. A. Pocket can, it's just that her natural look is that of a beaver building a dam. She does have a lot of passion and talent, though. I'm pulling for her to get through this spat with Diddy.
:49 All the groups perform again for Diddy as they move closer to their tour start date. Donnie looks less white this time. Day 26, which to me sounds more like a reminder of when PMS arrives than the name of a boy band, does well with the necessary crotch grabbing and slow reaches out to the audience. DK does the choreography to "Damaged." They're looking sexy, even in sweats. Andrea quickly winks at the camera, a clear, direct message that she wants to marry me. (The answer is yes. Thanks for asking).
:51 Aubrey Pocket asks Diddy to talk in private! It's going down.
:54 Oh crap - they hug and make up. I wanted a Jerry Springer throw down. What's up Diddy? You've never heard of ratings?
:58 Next week in Making the Band- more drama! The choreographer and Day 26 get in a fight. Sweet. I can't wait.

Danity Kane is coming to York next month. I'm going to see them (that'll let give me time to slip a ring on Andrea's finger, too). Anyone interested in going?


The Logarithmic Spiral said...

Dear Andy-

I'm going to have to stop reading your blog if you make another snide comment about The Hills. Of course it's not scripted and we all know that Audrina is the true star of the show. That's right, take your bathingsuit off for Justin Bobby. Who wouldn't want to see that? I know this girl does right here. And no, I am not ashamed in any way whatsoever that I rearranged my work schedule to have Monday nights off to watch The Hills. When else could Danielle and I have true roommate bonding time over cocktails and MTV?

It's a serious addiction, but you don't see me making fun of your love of reality tv. Speaking of, have you checked out I Love Money on VH1? The Entertainer is my favorite person in the world. I had no idea he could rise to such heights after his amazing debut of I Love New York 2. Check it out...your life will never be the same again.

Teej said...

Sadly, I watched this too. I almost fell on the floor when they showed Aubrey sans make-up. Wow. It's about time they showed the "sex kitten" unplugged. Lovely. That's real life folks. Boobies can only take you so far.

Also, wasn't the scene at the end awkward...Diddy giving in? On second thought, maybe the boobs do have an effect...

Amanda. said...

I don't watch the show.
But just wanted to comment
on that oh so very sexy
picture of the ladies
in white. So hot.
Totally dig it.

Finger Talks said...

very happy cause i fell asleep while watching this last night and only made to about :14... so now i feel much better.
(and I agree the Hills sucks hole, continue to screw the living crap out of it)
In the first season, wasn't Audrey sans whore and actually pretty? And THANK YOU someone finally pointed out the mullet! Just cause you call yourself D Woods doesn't mean you're fly enough to rock a mullet!

tracie said...

I haven't watched Making The Band since the original with Ashley Parker Angel (that is really the guy's name).

I do, however, watch The Hills. Please, let those of us who want to, consume this farce we call entertainment in peace. How can you mock The Hills when you watch anything on MTV? Isn't it all crap??

BTW- I love it when you do your play-by-plays. They loads and loads of jollity and fun.

Anonymous said...

Didn't read the play by play 'cause I didn't see the episode and care not for spoilers.

Did, however, read the beginning and end (ha), and they're going to be here in Charlotte this Friday. But alas, I'm working and just discovered this news today. And damnit, the bar they'll be at, ladies get in FREE before 10:30. I'm all about free...except I'll be at work 'til 11 p.m. Boo hiss.

Andy said...

Logarithmic: I have tried watching The Hills. I just don't get it. Maybe I need to be drinking at the time.
Teej: Boobs do only take you so far. But I do know some women who have gone very, very far with them. I think Diddy's banging Aubrey, btw.
Amanda: Slightly turned on by your comment.
Finger- You know what? You're right. I need to look up old photos of her. She didn't use to go heavy on the eye shadow. It's really scary now.
Tracie- I wrote a post for Thursday addressing your comment. Glad the play-by-plays tickle your fancy. More will come down the road.
Motown: That blows. I know I'm trying to think of a reason to use my press pass so I can interview Danity Kane when they come to York.

bianca said...

I thought I was the only person who watched this show. Your coolness points have just increased.

1) I know, I still can't believe that TRL exists. I remember when it first started and it was a 30 min show that showed 5 videos.

2) Did you know Aubrey has a clothing line? Who told her she could be a designer?

3) I'm jealous that you're going to see them perform. After you propose to Aundrea, tell her I said hi.

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