To discuss males fantasizing about Tom Brady's passing stats

Fantasy Football.
It’s a funny-sounding phrase, isn’t it? As if visions of Tom Brady floating on marshmallow clouds flutter around in the minds of grown men. Well, actually, that part’s true. Except Ladainian Tomlinson is up there, too. Wearing rainbow-colored suspenders. Oh, LT. I love you and your guaranteed 15 touchdowns.
Ladies, I wish there’s a simply explanation why your man spends more time looking up Peyton Manning’s touchdown-to-interception ratio than he does looking down your shirt.
There are some guys I know who would outright turn down a night with their girlfriend so they can watch 10 NFL games at once and calculate live stats. In the words of Jay from 40 Year-Old Virgin, that’s putting the football on the pedestal.
But, here’s the thing.
Fantasy football is fun.
I mean, real (fake) fun.
I spent 3-plus hours on Saturday drafting my fantasy team online. Three. I didn't move from my chair for three hours so I could look up stats, scout players and analyze draft picks in the hope that I might win a league that doesn't matter to anyone but the 12 guys participating. If it would have been possible, I would have worn an adult diaper so as to avoid any need to leave my computer. The fantasy football draft is basically a late summer Christmas, without all of the unnecessary gift-giving and holiday cheer. It's nothing but gift-receiving, and those gifts are wide receivers, quarterbacks and tight ends.
Man, it was sweet.
I’m probably a mid-level fantasy footballer. I’ve played for a few years in a competitive league where you gotta put down money and there’s a pot (money, not weed) for the winner. I check my team’s performance regularly, I keep an eye on all the games, although not at the sake of other facets of life. Once in a while, I catch myself saying absurd things like, “Ben Roethlisberger really needs to play well for me today. I need him to throw two touchdowns.” As if I own him.
Oh, that’s right.
Cause I do! On a fantasy team, for those who don’t know, you “draft” NFL players to fill out a roster. You get points based on how those players perform. So when your boyfriend (or girlfriend- I know some women who play and do really well) has a team, they’re checking all Sunday to see how “his” players did.
I like it because instead of just rooting for one team (like, say, the Steelers and their awesomeness), I can have interest in all the games. It's the only reason I'd ever watch the Arizona Cardinals or Atlanta Falcons. Actually, I'm not sure that even people living in Arizona or Atlanta watch those teams.
Fantasy football also gives us a sense of connection with other dudes, because we can talk about how our teams are doing, what trades we’re making, what place we’re in, all while scratching ourselves and growing chest hair (I’ve got three so far!*).
I know that for most of you ladies this all seems a bit childish and makes little sense. I mean, it’s fantasy, right? Not something that actually matters.
Well it does, and here’s why. The guys who play fantasy football don’t play in the NFL. We’re not real athletes. We’re never going to get on TV for making the winning touchdown pass or get caught organizing an illegal dog fighting ring.** The closest we can get to gridiron glory is online.
I’m not denying we're all a bunch of nerds. We definitely are. Just understand that if we could trade in a fantasy championship for a Super Bowl championship, we would in a second. Then you could find a new thing to get mad at us for... like looking down your shirt.
* Chest hairs, not testicles.
** Ok, that was just the Falcon's Mike Vick. When I read what he did to those dogs, I had to google "rape stand." Look it up. It'll make you sick. It's basically a way to keep the female dog in place while she gets raped by a male dog. Not cool, Mike Vick. Not cool.