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Saturday, August 2, 2008

To discuss what happens in H-Vegas...

I spent last night in Harrisburg, which I've since learned goes by H-town, H-Vegas and the 'Burg, among others. From what I saw, it shall heretofore be called Ho-ville.
I met up with my quasi-cousin (called that because she and I only found out we had an aunt-in-law in common a month ago, so we're not sure if we're related or not) to go bar hopping. I've never been much of a bar hopper, probably because I'm not much of a drinker, and even more, I'm not much of a spender. I am, however, a single, young male, so I've been told this is what I should be doing.

Things I learned since last night:
  1. Trendiness is relative. When I go to Wal-mart at 3 a.m., I feel relatively trendy, due in part to the straightness of my teeth, the color coordination of my clothes and the lack of an urge to buy huge t-shirts with animal prints. When I go to Ho-ville, there are scores of 20-somethings wearing trendy clothes that they likely can't afford, drinking $8 mixed concoctions and talking about trendy things, like global warming, Darfur, pollu....oh, who am I kidding, they're talking about boobs. But, still, in a trendy way. I have yet to figure out how to be that kind of trendy. From what I can tell, for the girls it involves wearing very, very low cut shirts that will wardrobe malfunction enough to make the FCC have a heart attack, and tanning a lot. For the guys, it involves gelling your hair enough to make it a weapon, pouring on cologne and pointing at "bitches."
  2. A guy who looks like George Costanza, down to the tie, khakis, glasses and eagerness to be accepted, should not sing "Pour Some Sugar on Me" for karaoke. No panties will be thrown. None.
  3. I had better come to grips that I'm working in a niche market. I talked with Quasi and her friend about interior design, drank a Smirnoff Ice, and sang "New York, New York," (to rave reviews and raucous applause, mind you). There is no amount of football talking, weight lifting or stubble growing that will make me seem less gay. So, as a straight guy, my market continues to be, "Hey, have you always wanted to date a guy with all the qualities of a gay guy, but without the love of other guys' crotches?"
  4. All bars use the same iPod mix. AC/DC. Bon Jovi. Poison. Journey. Which makes me wonder- if you went to a bar in, say, 1975, what did they play? Was Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me" considered the "Don't Stop Believing" song that everyone starts singing together as soon as it starts? I don't even really like Journey, but damn if I don't sing that song every time it comes on. It has like 3 key changes to it. It's like the guy's trying to reach God by the final note.
  5. Ramen noodles could, arguably, end world hunger. For the first time in years, I had a package, with Quasi, and I forgot how much I love that salty goodness. And it costs, what, 10 cents? I can't even think of anything else that costs 10 cents anymore. When the guys who created Ramen were brainstorming, what was the thought process? "Let's create the cheapest food product possible that will lure people in with its powerful taste... that way, we'll make almost no profit AND falsely lead people to believe they are eating dinner when in fact they are eating salt water." Mission accomplished, gents.

2 comments:

Bobby said...

Solid post! I'm from nowhere near Harrisburg but sounds very familiar nonetheless!

Sara said...

So many comments, not sure where to begin ...

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