Monday, September 8, 2008

To discuss Part One: You've Got Questions, We've Got No Freakin' Clue

There are times in life when the stars align and God's cool with you and you can just tell things are going your way. This isn't that.
This is better.
It's the inaugural Question and Answer session, unofficially titled You've Got Questions, We've Got No Freakin' Clue. But it's not just me answering your hot mess questions... I've been admiring Haute Pocket(HP) and her Q&A from afar (using a telescope). So I asked her if she'd co-write one with me, as I find her stuff to be hysterical and full of belly laughs that make me pee a little.
Wouldn't you know it, that crazy lady said yes. So, here you go. The first half is all here; the second half will be posted on her site this afternoon (UPDATE- Here it is, yo. Still working out some formatting issues, but otherwise all good), so we can torment you. It was either that or Chinese water torture. Be grateful... The questions are from actual (re: forced to do so) readers of both sites... Oh, and the language is more adult than usual for this site- even worse than daggummit.

Insane Mama desires to know the following:

Obviously you are voting for Obama. Can you give me one point as to why?

HP: Dude, he's hot, which you must admit will make the State of the Union speech far more entertaining. I would totally do him. Again. That, and I'm relatively sure he is the lesser of two evils (which coincidentally is what WAC is about to say, but I promise I didn't steal that from him, though I can't prove that, so maybe I did.) For me, and I'd imagine many others, it's impossible to find a candidate that satisfies on all levels (How are we feeling about the sexual innuendos? Too much?) Truthfully I'm not overly impressed with either of the candidates, but one of them has to win. I want to do my part to challenge the status quo. (I'm sure that's incredibly shocking.)

WAC: You're right, HP, Obama is a good-looking man. That's why I'm glad McCain grabbed Palin, so I have something to look at, too. I think it's patriotic to want to have relations with a vice president. So, most of the time in politics it's the lesser of two evils and that's kind of the case here. Obama has little experience and McCain is a good ol' boy who likely will follow the path of G.W. I can't shake the feeling that if I didn't vote for Obama, I'd miss out on the first true game-changer up for the presidency in my lifetime. That's not to say he'll do well or not do well, but he's the first legitimate candidate where you can look at him and think, "Here's a guy who really might do things differently." That, and as part of the media, I'm obligated to love Obama. It's in my contract.

Do you think marriage is just a piece of paper, meaning should I push for my boyfriend to get his divorce legalized so we can get married? (They have been in court for over three years.) Or should I leave it alone?

HP: Hold the phone. I thought we were asking questions about me here? I'm joking, it's just that I hardly posses the authority to dole out relationship advice. Different things work for different people and so I think it's important for couples to define marriage and commitment on their own terms. With that said, fuck yes you should get him to finalize that divorce. Uh...at least that's what I would do. Whether you elect to get married is an entirely different matter. I've yet to tie the knot so the idea of marriage to me is still a relatively romantic one. I realize it's not thought of that way for everyone. Ultimately, what it comes down to is whether or not you're happy with your current situation, but your question leads me to believe that it bothers you and that you would prefer he did finalize it. If that's the case then yes, you absolutely should say something.

WAC: Mama Mia... I know someone in a similar situation. She's dating a guy who is in the process of divorcing his wife, except for the fact that it never actually happens. It keeps getting delayed, and I fear that maybe this guy is jerking her around so he can have his cake and screw it too.
Marriage is a piece of paper— the way we think of marriage is a relatively modern concept, especially the wedding ceremony— but, fo' real, you either tell him to get that stuff finalized or get out.

HP: Wow, WAC Man, you really laid down the law there.

WAC: Only because too many girls think the guy is going to leave his current lady, and he never will. Why would he? He's got them both. So you have to force the issue.

HP: I actually agree (and no, you can't get that in writing.) I just want to be sure not to assume our reader's situation with her boyfriend is the same. After all, I like her, and we want her to stick around, don't we?

WAC: Good point. Let's hope for the best, Mama.

What is your favorite perfume for you and cologne for a man?

HP: YES! Finally an easy one! I highly approve of Dolce & Gabana's Light Blue, but my long term staple is Divine from the Victoria's Secret Dream Angels collection. Actually, you can read a cute story about that here, if interested. If you're not interested, could you just pretend to care? Please? My ego is fragile. My favorite male cologne would probably be Armani Mania, though that's entirely cliche. But come on, it's like an orgasm for your nose, it just smells ohsogood. Let's not for one second assume that Boyfriend wears Armani Mania, because he doesn't. He used to...back when we were in college and not poor (i.e.: Living off of student loans.)

WAC: So what do you make him wear now, then? I just wear Axe stuff, because the commercials make it seem like women will drop their clothes and jump on me for wearing it, a fact I'd like to believe will come true.

HP: It won't. Unless you're hot. Are you hot?

WAC: I'm going with nerdy cute. So, no. On women, the best smell is vanilla. I have absolutely been more attracted to a woman, even a woman who is not terribly beautiful, just because she's wearing vanilla. If Haute has on vanilla right now, I will drive to L.A. on. the. spot.

HP: You know, that's interesting because I had an ex-boyfriend that absolutely loved the smell of vanilla and I used to wear it all the time. Unfortunately, he was in prison at the time and I am happy to say that situation did not work out. And by "not work out" I mean a couple of things: He totally cheated on me with his baby mama, in the bathroom of a Taco Bell. (Not exactly a strong point in my life, but cut me some slack. I was like, 17.) Secondly, my parents ended that torrid love affair the second they found out about it, praise Allah. The point through all of this, is that I can no longer stand the scent of vanilla. So WAC, I'm sorry that you don't have an excuse to road-trip across the U.S. of A.


If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

HP: Truth be told, I would just allow myself to be, rather than stressing about every mundane detail about every.single. thing. I over-think everything, plot out an exact plan in my head, and then freak-out internally when it doesn't go as planed. . It's definitely my biggest weakness and something I'm continuously trying to improve. Sometimes I'm really fun, can role with the punches and go with it. Other times I'm a completely over-planning, psychopathic, can't-let-myself-just-enjoy type of asshole. I like the first version of myself much better.

WAC: I'd love to have the ability to finish anything I started... I'll be surprised if I finish this Q&A entry.

HP: Dude. Whatevs. Of course you'll finish this Q&A. You're attention needy. (Don't call my bluff, don't call my bluff, don't call my bluff....)

WAC: Bluff called. I'm not finishing this thing unless you all meet my demands... which are that all the readers enjoy our Q&A and leave a few comments at the end stroking my... ego. I expect it will be done.

HP: I don't respond well to ultimatums. But cash? Definitely.

Who is your favorite author?

HP: US Weekly. No, kidding. US Weekly is a publication, not an author. At risk of sounding like a total cliche, I'm going to say Dan Brown. Angels & Demons was the greatest book I've ever read, hands down, and I only wish Mr. Brown had more for me to read.

WAC: It used to be John Grisham. Now, I don't read novels much- I stick to how-to books and the like. So I'll say Mr. Bookfer Dummies. My favorite classic book, though, is The Great Gatsby. Oh, and the Bible. I'm supposed to say the Bible, right? I did actually read all of the New Testament a few times through. Old Testament is rough. Too much begetting. It's all they do in Deuteronomy. Beget babies and stone prostitutes.

What TV shows are your must-sees?

WAC: Um, anything I write a TV play-by-play about, because it's just trashy enough to make you feel better about yourself, and just entertaining enough that you don't feel totally embarrassed telling your friends you watched it. Also, The Office, Friday Night Lights and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which will have an episode about cannibalism this season. I'm jacked. Haute, I'm a little scared to read what you think are must-sees. It's not Gossip Girl, is it?

HP: Good God no. I have excellent taste in television. Upon first reading this question my initial reaction was, "I really don't watch much T.V." Upon further consideration of my must-see list, I realized it actually appears that I never leave the couch. That's not entirely false. Many of my favorites have been discontinued, but the list is as follows: Grey's Anatomy (WAC, don't even THINK about it), Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Weeds, The Sopranos, The Wire, The Office, Til Death, Family Guy, Malcolm in the Middle, Rob & Big, and I Love Lucy. Wow. I'm lucky I'm not an 800 pound women. Especially considering my love for Doritos.

WAC: Yeah, how are you all thin and hot and whatnot? Go figure. Anyway, a lot of excellent choices, especially since you know I'm man-crushing on The Wire recently, and I love The Office. but Til Death? Really? That's one of those comedies that's just... on. You don't ever love it, but if there's nothing else on, then you say, Well, it's got the guy from American Pie on it. Eh.


Would you date/ have you dated a co-worker? I ask because I really, really want to make a move on Pancho the Copy Machine. and by that, I mean photocopy my butt.

WAC: If you do photocopy your butt, please blog about it.

HP: You're so discreet, WAC. But Bex, I totally agree. Do it.

WAC: I had a brief fling with a girl who worked in a different building but same company, if that counts. Let's just say that didn't go well. Fortunately, most journalists are not the type you'd want to date (myself included), so I don't have that problem. If Haute worked in my office, I'd send her a photocopy of my butt. No doubt. I'd autograph it, "To Haute, You're the best. No butts about it. WildArs." She'd tear up a little, and then sell it on eBay.

HP: You know me too well. Where have you been all my life?


What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

WAC: Crocodile sausage. Wasn't bad, either.

HP: I'm going to tell the Internet a story that I have never lived down and will most likely immediately regret. I am the oldest of 3 children. A long time ago, my parents, younger brother, younger sister and I all sat down to eat s'mores and watch a movie. Family time, if you will. My sister was still in diapers, meaning I was about 8 years old. Give or take a few minutes. I saw a brown chunk on my blanket, and thinking it was a piece of fallen chocolate, I popped it into my mouth. A millisecond later, I was up and screaming, running around frantically, crying and brushing my teeth. (I can see you all, hands to mouth, in horror.) I had somehow eaten a small piece of poo that had escaped from my sisters diaper. Nearly 16 years later and I've yet to live that moment down. Or top it.

WAC: Words cannot describe how to react to that. On a related note, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Do you think guys and girls can be really great friends without sex becoming an issue?

WAC: See my co-blog post with my ex-fiance. We lived in the same apartment for a year, using the same bed, after we broke up, and we never touched each other. I've been friends with lots of women without sex getting involved. I'd be much more worried if I had problems with guy friends because sex got involved.

HP: Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this topic. There are three particular males that I consider great platonic friends of mine and sex/gender has never been an issue. And it's also never been awkward. But there are a couple of guys, namely an ex-boyfriend, whom I know I could never have an honest-to-God friendship with. At this moment in time, I would say it depends on the people.

WAC, what's the longest you've ever gone without showering and why?

WAC: Good question. I'm guessing during the summer when I was in high school and didn't have to go anywhere, I figured screw it for several days. I was such a social butterfly.

...to be continued (dramatic John Williams music)


Miss Tiff said...

Ok, I can admit it to the blogging world. I've been waiting to see what this post was going to look like. One word: GREAT.

Question were good and answers were great!

Can't wait to read part 2 on Haute Pocket..

Diane said...

Holy shit (no pun intended), the poop answer made me snort tea through my nose! (And it hurt, by the way). That is, by far, the funniest friggin' answer I could have hoped for! Thanks, HP!

sj said...

dammit! i can't believe i forgot to post a question.

i'm putting mine in now for next week: if you were offered a double your salary job outside of your current (writing) industry, would you take it?

but seriously. i was reading that response re: poo and was thinking "no, please don't be poo - please don't be poo! AHAWAHGHAGHA! it WAS POO!"

seriously. you kids are fun. *great* fun. (i say that in the non-condescending but you are after all 6-8 years younger than me way).

Kimmers said...

Wandering over from haute pocket... This is fantastic! Can't wait for the counterpart. :)

Sam_I_am said...

I buy Axe for my 14 year old nephew. Not because I want him to be swarmed by girls, but because I want people to come within 20 ft of him, so he can be a bit sociable. We have a mantra though: "Axe is no substitute for soap." I have to remind him of this a lot.... X-<

Andy said...

Thanks to all for reading this massive post so far- just imagine if HP and I didn't split it in twain.
Tiff- Glad the Q&A lived up to your expectations
Diane- Is it sad that you were really pumped for a response that involved someone eating feces?
SJ- Now you have more incentive to submit ?'s to both of us in the future. You are coming back here again, right? Right?
Kimmers- Thanks for the excellent questions
Sam- Wait, we're supposed to shower? Oh crap.

Teej said...

I can't believe Dexter or Pushing Daisies isn't on either of your lists. Since it's not you should catch up and watch them. Do it.

Also, Haute(Poo)Pocket...that's classic lady.

...love Maegan said...

Okay, where do I start? Obama all the way. Yes, IM's man should divorce his ex pronto!

Marriage: You DO actually have a bit of a closer bond after the piece of paper. I didn't think anything would change, but it is a bit different. Also, you can use the line "I'll have to check with my husband" to get you out of anything involving money! It's a great way to say fuck off!

Also, I LOVE Armani Mania for men and I pretty much ONLY wear Vanilla or a mix of Vanilla and another food scent {like chocolate, banana, or coconut - Pink Sugar is nice to mix with it too}. It's the only scent I can handle on myself.

HP: Great answer to Kimmers on what would you change about yourself.

Also, I never finished Angels and Demons but now I'm totally going to! Read the DVC, of course.

The Office and Arrested Development all the way! Also, I wouldn't date a co-worker...too much trouble there...and if it doesn't work? You have to see them daily? ANNOYING!

I love The Great Gatsby!

And, omg, you ate poo! When my bro was a baby, he was in his crib with what we thought was a rock in his hand that was on it's way to his mouth ...and we were all How'd he get a roooooooooo.....and realized it was poop

looking forward to the second half later!

Anonymous said...

HP, I just about threw up all over my keyboard. That made going out with a felon w/ a baby mama not so bad. Well, no, that's bad. But c'mon now... I'm still gagging at the thought of that.

WAC, you should write a series of Bible commentaries, although, well... probably not. That cracked me up, anyway. Oh, and nice acronym, btw.

Amy xxoo said...

I'm totally enjoying this whole Q&A thing. For god's sake people, dont leave us hanging for the second half too long!

Oh, and P.S : Haute, keep those sexual innuendos coming. What would a good Q&A session be without some slightly inappropriate sexual innuendos?

Andy said...

For anybody who didn't see the update in the intro, the second half is now posted at hautepocket.wordpress.com -- Check it out

Finger Talks said...

i loved every second of reading this! Truely awesome!
andy - just say no to axe
hp - i'm so sorry about the poo and the taco bell sex

bex said...

old spice deodorant should make you smell nice AND prevent you from smelling bad.

think about it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for reading, everyone! You guys are great.

Katie said...

Vanilla? seriously? that reminds me of junior high and all the girls wearing Vanilla Fields. Shit, I thought I was smelling an ice cream cone my whole 7th grade career!

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