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Saturday, September 6, 2008

To discuss a TV Play by Play: America's Next Top Model hates Brittanys

Part Two: A television play-by-play of the second half of America's Next Top Model season premiere. I adore this show more than bunnies and babies. To catch up on the first half, see yesterday's post. So far, the large group of girls has been cut down to the 14 finalists...

:59 Blond teen SamIam, who didn't know any top designers, said she missed her prom and graduation for this show. Judging by Sam's comments so far, I'd like a closer inspection of the high school curriculum requirements. She is nice, innocent and All-American though... exactly the type that gets kicked out within the first few rounds.
1:00 Tyra asks two of the three Brittany's to change their names, because evidently it was too hard having three Brittany's around and Tyra thought it would be easy for two girls to completely change their name on the spot. Brittany B. becomes Sharaun; Brittany S. is going by McKey. I'm going by Brittany from now on. Take that, Tyra.
1:02 The girls move into their new home. Hannah Alaska is blown away, reminding people that she didn't electricity or water growing up. Now I'm wondering how she knew about ANTM in the first place.
1:03 There's a Walk of Fame in the house to commemorate fake awards Tyra gave out on her talk show- because nothing's better than giving award to people for a show you created, on another show you created, and then showcasing those awards on a new season of a show you created. Among the winners, Jaeda won for Worst Makeover Meltdown. Jaeda really had me jacked- she had natural beauty and when she got a short haircut, she flipped out and basically threw in the towel on the rest of the season. What's worse, I guarantee a girl will do the same this year. What's even worse is that I remember Jaeda's meltdown because I saw that entire season.
1:03 Isisaman, a transgender, said she had her junk taped under when she wore a bikini for the audition. What she means to say is she made a "mangina," which is a simple penis trick, along with the "elephant" and the "monkey heart." If you think your boyfriend doesn't know these tricks and hasn't tried them with your friends, you are wrong.
1:04 Isisaman tells BritMcKey that going through a sex change is like going through puberty again. Who in God's creation would want to go through puberty again? That was a horrible experience, although I never got "the talk" from parents and have since regretted it. I soon hope to know what goes where.
Clarkhater and Hannah Alaska have a pleasant, socially ignorant conversation about how transgender people "would get shot" in their towns. Clarkhater says it's not her being closeminded, it's her being "traditional." Well, CH, traditional in that sense also means you as a woman wouldn't be allowed to vote or have a job. Which means you're picking and choosing which "traditions" you like. I'd like to uphold the "tradition" of putting you in the stocks in the town square and throwing tomatoes at you. Deal?
1:11 I hate it when they read Tyra Mail aloud in unison. Hate. It. Although, I do enjoy hearing the few girls each year who can't read as well and lag behind.
1:12 OK, I'm really not trying to do so many Saved by the Bell references lately- but the girls are taken to a castle, where a magician is performing. He looks exactly like Max, the magician/waiter, from the show.
1:15 BritSharaun introduces herself to each judge as "I am America's Next Top Model." Unfortunately, her drawn on eyebrows say otherwise.
1:18 Photo shoot time. The theme is the different issues people consider during voting; i.e.- Tyra wants to force viewers to vote and needed to make a convoluted photo shoot topic. Evidently, she didn't hear Diddy already told his viewers to Vote or Die.
1:20 Marjorie, a French immigrant, is this season's awkward girl. They traditionally do very well until having a late collapse in confidence that forces them out near the end. Marjorie does well in her photo shoot by looking like a quadriplegic, which is so in right now.
1:21 Clarkhater's theme is bureaucracy, except she doesn't know what that is... Jay Manuel, who supervises the shoots, tell CH to smile with her eyes, a classic ANTM tidbit. CH looks really confused.
1:22 Uber-athlete BritMcKey uses boxing moves during her shoot to feel more comfortable, and it works. Clarkhater predicts BritMcKey is going to be out. Clarkhater is an idiot.
1:27 Jay tells TokenAsian- dressed in a short red sequinned dress, whore blush and blue (blue!) lipstick like an Asian Kim Kardashian without the black codpiece in her mouth- that she should avoid looking too hoochy. How can she not?
1:30 Back at the house, FrenchMarj is already doubting herself. This really goes to show that pretty woman can have image issues, too.
1:37 It's judging time, and Tyra celebrates the occasion by wearing leg warmers on her arms.
1:38 BritSharaun's photo is up, and she's portraying Homeland Security by standing between two metal detectors. I would've thought standing next to an illegally wiretapped phone or beside a racially profiled Muslim at an airport lobby would have been more apropos.
1:40 Nykesha is screwed. She got caught making excuses for why her photo sucked. Sounds like a bottom 2 finish
1:41 Joselyn has the best photo of the week for me- it's fierce. Fully extended leg, arched neck, jutted chin.
1:43 I finally figured it out. BritMcKey looks like Natasha Henstridge.
1:44 Lauren Brie is screwed. First off, I haven't mentioned her until now, which means the producers (Tyra) didn't think there was much reason to showcase her. Second, her photo isn't strong, and she's one of many blond girls. I'm thinking bottom 2.
1:51 Ok, we're down to the part where Tyra names who is leaving. She always- ALWAYS- talks really slow and pointedly during this part and it makes everything cheesy. Just get on with it Tyra. Please.
1:51 FrenchMarj gets the top photo, even though she predicted her demise. Great. Now she'll worry that the other girls will be jealous of her (which is true, because girls are catty).
1:52 I almost nail the bottom two. Lauren is fourth from the bottom. Nykesha is in, with BritSharaun, who can't possibly lose because she already said she's ANTM.
1:54 BritSharaun is gone, possibly making her one of the biggest fools in the 11 seasons of this show. Man do I love watching people's dreams crumble before my eyes. It's like an optical fiesta of failure. Even better- while BS cries on the floor, Clarkhater smiles. Oh, I'm going to like this girl.
1:56 Tyra encourages girls to audition for next season. Judging by some of your profile photos, you all should apply. Judging by the fact a former dude is on this year, I think I should be allowed to audition next year. You know, as soon as I get pretty enough.
1:59 On the teaser for next week, BiVegan kisses Clarkhater. I so called that. Another Play by Play, perhaps?

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Hope everyone has a good weekend. I'm actually going to spend it hanging out with girls. In person. No joke. Oh, and watching the Steelers beat the Texans.

4 comments:

Amy xxoo said...

See, these play by plays are so good i dont even need to watch the episodes when they finally hit Australian screens.

Oh, and i mnissed that " shrimp on the barbie " reference in Part 1... shame on you Andy, dragging out a lame cliche like that! We call them " prawns ", not shrimp...

joshlos said...

Hmmm... monkey heart? Out around this way, I always heard it referred to as the pig's heart. Unless the monkey heart is something completely different...

ashley said...

I always watch America's Next Top Model (just ask Miss Tiff the lovely lady that directed me your ways).. I loved the play by play both posts.

Oh btw, my friend Miss Tiff so wants you to do another guest blog with her and wants to ask. But, she seems to think that you've got too popular now to want to do a guest post again for measly little old Miss Tiff.. Though us, her friends would love to see it. So you should do whatever it is you bloggers do to keep in touch. I'm not hip to all that. I just read them and comment..

Herding Cats said...

Awesome post. Can't wait for this week's episode!

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