Friday, September 5, 2008

To discuss a TV Play by Play: America's Next Top Model is for the boys now

You asked for it (ok, one person did), so here it is- A television play-by-play of the season premiere of America's Next Top Model, CW's reigning train wreck and a personal fave. Get ready for Tyra Banks overload (I wish she was still back on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air... those were the good days).

ANTM has been around for a decade? For realsees? On a related note- name one winner that you've seen regularly gracing the catwalk or magazine covers. Better yet- name one winner.
:01 First model introduced: Hannah (if they introduce you, you're almost guaranteed a spot. Let's see how that plays out). Hannah is from... oh, of course. Alaska. It's becoming a plague, people. Hannah tells us they don't have freeways or people in Alaska. Coincidentally, the woman who wants to be our next vice president is using her experience as governor of Alaska to shoot her to the top... a state that, evidently, is barren of transportation or residents to govern.
:02 Holy crap you guys, they took the bus full of models to some abandoned warehouse, and judges Miss J (Miss J is a dude, in case you didn't know) and Jay Manuel step out in all-white spaceship looking things and declare they are at the Top Model Institute of Technology... I knew models must be cyborg based. I just knew it.
:02 Ok, at this rate, this is going to be my longest post ever. It's a two-hour episode, and every second is both horrible and amazing... First thought as they walk inside the Institute- It's that white room from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where they miniaturize that cowboy dude... now I'm jonesing for some Wonka bars.
:04 While practicing their catwalk, Clark, one of the requisite skinny blond girls that I may offer to have relations with, says that people are "threatened when they see me walk."... Does she swing her arms around like a ninja or something when she walks?
:06 Tyra appears, taking a few moments to enjoy people looking at her. She's also wearing a bra as a top, reminding me of a great Seinfeld episode with the same idea (the braless wonder).
:07 Just seven minutes in, I can already tell this is going to be the biggest trainwreck season yet. They pushed that Institute idea wayyy too far despite not having the budget for a futuristic feel. They are apparently stealing Saved By the Bell's special effects guy, because they effects look more dated than Lisa Turtle's shoulder pads, and have the panache of Zack freezing people during his Timeouts.
:13 I can't make this crap up. Analeigh said she got whored out by Saudi Arabians. She tells Tyra that some woman conned her into thinking she was working with a modeling agency, but in reality Analeigh was bought by a Saudi Arabian prince to be his wife. They got our oil, and now they want our women, too? I now officially know what the War on Terror is.... Oh, by the way, Analeigh giggles when she tells the story. Giggles, ladies.
:16 The requisite Mormon is on. She'll never live up to the all-time reality show Mormon, Julie from Real World: New Orleans, who got kicked out of BYU and outcast from her family because she turned into a hussy on camera. Veronique (yeah, not very Mormon-y) said her parents sent her to lock-down for 3 months for having sex with her boyfriend. And you thought God's heavy hand of moral justice was harsh...
:17 And, finally, the much-publicized transgender girl is introduced. Well, why not. Let's throw another shrimp on the Top Model barbie. Isis says she was born in the wrong body. I feel you, Isis. Ryan Reynolds stole my body. Bastard... Guarantee of the season: Isis will end up in the Top 5. Tyra loves social issues; last year was the plus-size model. This year, a man-girl.... The other girls find out Isis is transgender and, of course, get catty and jealous. Why, oh why, do girls get so catty?
:24 Tyra tells the plus-size model, who, you know, eats and stuff, that she is too thin. Way to give her another complex. Now, to compensate in the modeling world, she'll have to throw up all her meals to stay skinny, and then eat it back up like baby robins in order to get fat.
:27 Hannah Alaska is back (Get it? Like Hannah Montana, except colder and with a girl's voice). She now says she grew up without electricity and was chased by a moose once. That's it. This Sarah Palin chick has got to go. Her state is full of nomads.
:31 Elina, a bisexual vegan, says she has a crush on Clark, who hates everyone. This should be interesting. Related news- I've dated or made out with several bisexuals. Maybe that's my problem.
:37 Some teenager blanks on answering the classic ANTM question: Who are five models working right now? (another is who are five fashion designers)... It blows my mind every year girls don't come prepared for this. They always ask it, and girls always blankly stare. Man. Maybe I should be on ANTM. I've got a mean catwalk.
:38 They are making the first cuts back in the Wonka room. Some of those who make it: Hannah Alaska (called it!), Saudi Arabia, BiVegan, Token Asian, Isisaman (called it!), Clarkhater, MiddleSize and Nikeysha, who declares, "Take me aboard the mother ship with the hot aliens." Um, what?
:41 First photoshoot. Realize that I have seen many, many seasons of this. I know what works in the photoshoots. Let's see if I can pick out some good ones.
:42 Already, a bunch of girls make two classic ANTM blunders: Men's magazine pose (too much sexy pin-up) and constipated pose (self explanatory). The good ones know instantly to slightly turn in a knee, do the hands on the hips with elbows pointed forward thing, or extend the neck with elegantly placed fingers- all solid moves. Also- I swear I like girls.
:48 Ad for that new "90210" series comes on. Have any of you seen it? There's no way that's good.
:51 Tyra, Miss J and Jay look at the photoshoot shots... At one point, Tyra says Clarkhater is "pretty pretty, which is ugly ugly." Wait, so should I date ugly girls then? Am I missing something?
:52 Alright, here we go. The top 14. Among my predictions to get in are Hannah Alaska, BiVegan, Clarkhater, Token Asian, Isisaman, Saudi Arabia and MiddleSize.
:53 2 for 2 so far with TA and SA.
:55 Isisaman (called it!), Clarkhater and BiVegan are added. 5 for 5... C'mon, MiddleSize! Oh, and Clarkhater went to BiVegan for a hug first after getting named. Love is in the air.
:56 MiddleSize is out, apparantly because they had a plus-size model win last season so they had enough eaters for the time being.
:57 Hannah Alaska, who made it (called it!), now says they don't have billboards in Alaska. I also notice she's from Fairbanks, a major city I've actually heard of, which begs the question- what is going on in Fairbanks?
:58 Token Asian says, "You're not ready for this yellow fever." Um, well, you're right, I'm not, if by yellow fever you mean malaria.
Ok, the first half has concluded. Want to read about the second half? Come back tomorrow for my big conclusion... They are already promising drama with Isisaman and Clarkhater. Don't leave any spoilers in the comments for those who haven't seen it all yet...

And, if you haven't done so already, e-mail wildarschase@yahoo.com with questions for Monday's first ever Q&A, co-answered with the lovely hautepocket. Ask her terribly difficult questions that will cause her to blush. I'll enjoy it...


bianca said...

ANTM makes me happy. It hasn't been around for a decade...it just seems like it. There are 2 seasons a year.

Your observations are great...I totally got pissy when the asked the girl to name 5 models working right now and she couldn't. There are a few things that get asked/are required every season and I can't get over how these girls don't get them right. Some of these are: 1) Name some fashion designers that are hot right now, 2) Smile with your eyes, 3) Don't be afraid to be "ugly pretty", 4) Don't correct the judges when they are critiquing, 5) Don't dress like you're a 16 year old going to the mall in 1989.

I can't wait to read part 2!

Amy xxoo said...

I havent seen the episode because,of course, its not on air here yet but has anyone else noticed that Sarah Palin looks like the older sister of Mariska Hargarty from " Law and Order: SVU "

Herding Cats said...

You did it! Thank you! This is great. I can't wait to read part two :) Now I need to get to work!

Anonymous said...

I hate you break it too you, dear, but I don't blush easily. ;)

Andy said...

Bianca- excellent point. I figured 10 seasons means 10 years, you know, like normal shows. I don't think it's hard to smile with your eyes, btw- how can you want to be a model and not know how to control your face?
Amy- I can see that... and I'm surprised you didn't comment on my terrible shrimp on the barbie reference, Aussie girl.
Herding- Thanks. I look forward to distracting you tomorrow.
Haute- Won't it be fun, then, when it does happen?

Miss Tiff said...

Thanks for the ANTM play by play. I always watch that show. Can't wait to read part two.. :)

Sophia said...

this is hilARIOUS. I was dumbstruck by the ridiculosity of the "special effects" and how crazy Tyra is. you nailed it!

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