Friday, October 31, 2008

To discuss Donner, Party of 1, and Happy Halloween

This week is the anniversary of some part of the Donner Party tragedy. Remember? That family in the 1840s that took the trail west to California, but got stuck in the mountains and had to become cannibals to survive a long winter?
In honor of this frightful event that we have publicly funded parks and memorials dedicated to, and because it's Halloween, I thought I'd try to recapture the magic of those fateful days, as I think it might have gone...Historically accurate? Heck no.

Scene: The Donners- Ma, Pa, Sister, Brother and Cousin Donner- emerge from a trading post with the supplies they will need for a four-month trip from Independence, Missouri to California, where Sister Donner hopes to make it as an actress and Brother Donner has dreams of becoming a dancer- a Flashdance kind of dancer, not an America's Best Dance Crew kind of dancer.
Pa: "Well, we got healthy oxen, plenty of water, an Indian guide, Mapquest directions and I remembered to suspend our newspaper subscription while we're going to ward off burglars.
Ma: "You think of everythohmygod whERE'S KEVIN!!?!?!"
Macaulay Culkin: "I'm right here, looking sweet and innocent in my red sweater. See you guys later."
Ma: "That was close... We almost had Home Alone 4: Lost in Kansas."
Pa: "Enough fooling around. It's time to hit the trail. I set the meal rations button on 'full,' and we've got plenty of bullets to shoot at squirrels in case I get a buffalo quickly. Let's head out."
The Donners set out on their trip, blithely unaware of the perils and immorality that awaits them. Weeks go by, and everything seems normal, except for Cousin getting motion sickness and Sister getting dysentery, which, when you're 9-years-old playing a computer game, sounds a lot cooler than diarrhea. Soon, they hit a river and must decide how to proceed.
Brother: (Excited)"I think we should just dance it out. Everyone, jazz hands!"
Pa: "What is wrong with that boy?...Anyway, we're going to ford this river to avoid paying the Indian guide money."
The group fords the river, but soon only their hats are visible as the river is way too freakin' deep. Most of their oxen and supplies are lost, although Sister's iPod is saved- thank God, that would have been sooo boring without it.
Winter approaches. Desperate to get to California fast, the group consults Mapquest for a shortcut. Mapquest screws up as usual and takes them the wrong way, putting them in the middle of the Sierra Nevada mountain range in the heart of winter...Cousin perished in the latest snowfall, due to his high school foolish desire to wear flip-flops so he could look fashionable, even though it's the middle of winter and he looks like a tool.
Ma: "I haven't felt my toes in weeks, and now we're out of food. What are we going to do, Pa?"
Pa: "I gotta say... and this is going to sound Britney-Spears-shaves-her-head crazy... but Cousin was a good looking dude, right?"
Sister and Brother: (confused) "Uh, sure... why?"
Pa: (sheepishly) "Well, we're all hungry. And I've got this extra barbecue sauce going to waste. And damned if I couldn't eat a horse right now, but, well, we're out of horses. Can we eat Cousin?"
Ma: (glances around nervously) "I'm so glad I wasn't the first to say it. But let's eat that sweet man flesh."
And so the great Donner Party feast begins, with many comments on how Cousin tastes like chicken.... but soon, Cousin is all gone... the days get colder... Brother dies... He gets eaten faster than a donut at fat camp... Ma dies... She is almost entirely eaten, save for her skinny butt, since Pa's Anaconda don't want none unless she got buns, hun... And the Indian guide, who had hoped to make it to the West Coast to open up a novelty shop selling authentic Native American trinkets to tourists, didn't technically die on his own. Pa kinda killed him.
Anyway, it's down to Sister and Pa.
"Pa, why are you looking at me like that? I feel like I'm the moose and you're Sarah Palin hanging out of a helicopter."
Pa: (Ravished with hunger like Nichole Richie on a Wednesday... Or any day, really) "One of us has to go..."
Sister: "But isn't there a token black guy in this scene who dies off before the main characters?"
Gary Coleman: "Damn!"

And... scene.

Happy Halloween...


Diane said...

OK, darlin', I still have my crush... HOWEVER... that was one disturbing (albeit funny) little missive. Remind me not to travel from MO to CA with you.

RainbowEclipse said...

I understand that nostalgia is what you were aiming for in this one --- but the new "token black guy" is Craig Robinson.... (aka Darryl, the Office). Mos' def.


NPTimes said...

I may love you forever with this post! Holy Gary Coleman Batman! I am in awe of your awesome-ocity (now a word). Best Halloween post every by anyone!

Finger Talks said...

crap that nptimes comment was from me, sorry i was signed into the wrong account! my excitement of cannibalism got away with me!

SouthernBelle said...

Ah, Halloween gold.

What are you dressing as for Halloween Andy? Do you have some diabetes-inducingly sweet couple costume with Capricorn?

RainbowEclipse said...

.... or are you opting for the speedo and 8 medals?

Cuz you could be THAT guy.

Andy said...

Diane- I wouldn't eat you. Unless you mean in a cute way, like "I just want to eat you up." And then yes, I would, cutie pie.
Rainbow- Excellent point... Did you know he got arrested for coke possession?
NPTimes- Say hello to finger for me. She's hot, you'd like her.
Finger- You'd make an excellent cannibal.... I think we should all figure out who we'd eat if we had to.
Southern- I'm working on it. Capricorn is going to be a nurse. I want to go as static cling. Or Todd Palin.
Rainbow- I considered it. But Phelps is so two months ago. Plus, wearing a Speedo could cause cancer of some sort.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Your interpretation of the details is dead-on.

Anonymous said...

What an active imagination you have, haha.

Anonymous said...

Ummm... wow.

tracie said...


Lump said...

seriuosly? I've never hear of this awesome story!

and your's is pretty awesome, too. ;)

Miss Tiff said...

Great story Andy. Perfect Halloween post. :)

Amy xxoo said...

You're kind of warped and twisted arent you?

But in an entirely good way....

gracie-mel said...

and yet again, the educational value of the Oregon Trail supports us...

Shelly D said...

love it! plus Macaulay Culkin is never referenced enough nowadays.

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