Thursday, October 30, 2008

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: America's Next Top Model Isn't a Prostitute

It's been awhile since my last America's Next Top Model play-by-play, so, to get some background, you may want to check out either post.... Since the last entry, Hannah Alaska, Isisaman and Clark Hater have been kicked out. Remaining girls include BiVegan (Elina), Token Asian (Sheena), Saudi Arabia (Analeigh), BritMcKey (Brittany S), Menageatrois (Marjorie), Blondboobs (Samantha)....

:02 The girls just found out they are going to Amsterdam, presumably for the legalized prostitution.
:04 Blondboobs says she can't wait to go to Holland for some bong photo shoots. Or was that bomb photo shoots?
:05 The host of Holland's Next Top Model (Who was Holland's last top model?) tells the girls in the airport they are going on a mission to find their new home in Amsterdam. The girls pair up, middle school style based on who likes who... Blondboobs gets stuck with BiVegan, her nemesis.
:06 Everytime Menageatrois speaks, little babies curl up in fear. There are few people more socially awkward. You know what? Screw it. Marjorie doesn't get a cool nickname. She doesn't deserve it. She's going by Frenchgirl. Freakin' France.
:07 Token Asian: "I though Amsteredam was going to be weed and sex and alcohol, but it's gorgeous." Sorry to disappoint you.
:09 The girls have to find a public pay phones to get directions. They still have pay phones?
:11 BiVegan, Saudi Arabia and Frenchgirl "have a lesbian bath moment," Blondboobs says. She's right- they are all naked in a giant bath tub, for no apparent reason. Amsterdam does that to people.
:14 I'm practically speechless at this point. I was joking before that Amsterdam makes people do crazy things. But now the girls are walking down a road with sex shops and half-naked girls. Token Asian, who sticks her butt out like Kim Kardashian in most shoots, is worried she'll look too hoochy if they do a sexy photo spread next. If I was her, I'd be more worried about syphilis.
:18 Miss J, who is a dude if you didn't know, tells the girls how fashion designers want to convert brothels into fashion boutiques. Yeah, cause that makes sense. One place tries to get people out of clothes, the other place tries to get people into clothes.
:21 The girls pair up again to model clothes in windows that are normally used for prostitutes ("How much is that hooker in the window"... Is that how that kid's song went?)... Token Asian gets so excited about her crazy outfit that she does her make-up Joan Rivers style from "The Muppets Taken Manhattan."
:24 Miss J tells Token Asian that she modeled like a whore and that Frenchgirl was awkward in a good way. At least nobody was an awkward whore....Blondboobs and BritMcKey win the challenge, despite BritMcKey being forced to wear a dress that resembled rotting cabbage.
:26 BiVegan lashes out at Blondboobs(BiVegan lashes out at someone every episode, like clockwork), this time because BiVegan is upset that Blondboobs thinks prostitutes shouldn't be respected. Evidently, BiVegan is a big fan of "Pretty Woman."
:31 The photoshoot is on a boat. I hope one girl will get sea sick.
:33 After BritMcKey and Blondboobs each have great photo shoots, Token Asian vows not to be too hoochy... She then proceeds to straddle a wooden beam.
:34 Is it bad that I think I could model better than most of these girls? I have a better catwalk, I know that much.
:35 Saudi Arabia is up. She is one of the most likeable girls in the history of Top Model. Which is to say, one of the few that appears to be normal and that you could take home to your mother. And that you'd like to bang. But you wouldn't. Because you're a gentleman.... Bold prediction- she's going to win this whole competition.
:44 It's judging time. I'm predicting BiVegan and Token Asian are in the bottom two.... Tyra looks at least semi-normal, which, if you watch this show at all, is an extreme rarity. She has been crazy this season. One show, she wore a hood. Like a vampire.
:45 It's never a good sign when a judge says your photo reminds her of scurvy. BiVegan, beware.
:48 The judges tell Blondboobs she looks like a soccer mom and she should change her outfit. So, logically, Miss J takes off his pants and gives them to her. Yep.
:54 It is hard for me to see Tyra and not think of her and the Fresh Prince getting in that argument at The Peacock where they talked at the same time and then yelled, "Damn!" as they stormed off. Classic.
:55 Tyra slips into her slow talking, dramatic voice....BritMcKey has the top photo of the week.
:56 Maybe I watch too much ANTM. Because I just nailed that bottom two.
:58 Token Asian goes home. BiVegan gets to make another person's life miserable for at least one more day in the Top Model house.
:59 Tyra is taking the photos next week. It'll be trashtastic.


Amy xxoo said...

Seeing as I this season of ANTM is playing here yet, i have no idea who you are actually talking about. But it was entratining nonetheless.

Oh, and just for your big fat information, Hollands current top model would probably Doutzen Kroes ( she's a Loreal spokesmodel at the moment i believe ). Google her - you'll see...

SouthernBelle said...

Just quickly, the argument at :26 between BiVegan (who I think has a gorgeous china-doll face, btw) and BlondBoobs (who I hate with a fiery passion) was because BB was upset by the legalized prostitution - she thinks it's bad, whereas BV can't understand how someone could have a problem with it.

In my opinion, BV is one of those people who tries so hard to be cool and non-judgmental with everything (at least sexual things) that they accept a little too much. And the flipside of it is that she's extremely intolerant of other people's opinions when they don't match hers.

scargosun said...

This is why I don't watch these shows, reading the recap is so much funnier. :) TWOP is my friend.

Finger Talks said...

i love your recaps, French girl was scaring the crap out of me posing in that "what ever happened to baby jane" makeup! i think i had nightmares.

Miss Tiff said...

Great word and also great use of trashtastic.

So@24 said...

I expect posted pics by Monday.

Lump said...

I missed this last night. :( but thanks, now I don't have to watch it!

Herding Cats said...

It was on last night?! Ugh stupid world series! So mad! But hey, thanks for the recap - that was awesome!

siovhan said...

oh man. i'm quitting watching the actual show until i read your recap. i think it'll make everything quite a bit more entertaining. and marjorie freaks me out so bad.

p.s. every person ever should own mean girls.

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